CLEAN jokes - Laughter is Good Medicine

Given the hardships on Wall Street and the uncertainties of the times, I thought that we could use a little laugh. 

Question:  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

Answer:  Noah -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

I just didn't know where else to put this except under "Place of Refuge".  Maybe we need a forum called "Glad Tidings" for CLEAN jokes, funny observations, puzzles, trivia, games and challenges.

Psalm 126:3 (KJV)

  The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.

Denna

(edited - sticky post, description)

Denna, I like the Pillsbury Doughboy thing...

I miss the billboards I use to see that said,

"Don't make me come down there,"--God.

The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.  Author Unknown

I went to the doctor for a check-up and he told me I needed to "drop a few pounds."  This was an understatement, because I needed to drop about 50 pounds.  I sighed and replied, "Yeah, I know."  His response "You don't seem surprised."  What does he think, that I don't look in the mirror every morning?  anonymous

Hey, if you guys want to read some clever Christian humor, check out this blog: 

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ 

The guy who writes it is smart and the people who read it and leave comments are brilliant.  Today, they are doing "Sound guy/gal Haiku"

If you read through earlier posts, be sure to read the comments. 

For those of us who are watching what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION    Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.  Author Unknown

In the Middle Ages they had gullotines, stretch racks, whips, and chains.  Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.

While walking down the street one day a senator is tragically hit by a truck and
dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
 
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you.'
 
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you
spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the senator.
 
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
And with  that, St. Peter  escort s him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such  a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
 
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
 
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group  of contented souls moving from  cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.
 
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
 
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.
 
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in
black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

'What happened?'
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
 
 
Today you voted.

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.  Author unknown

 Between the Pages 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
      
      "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
      
      "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
      
      With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
      
      The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
      
      Revelatio n 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
      
      Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
      
      As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 
       
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" 
       
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.  Anonymous

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.  Author Unknown

I never worry about diets.  The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.  Mae West

I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door, it made me hungry for pork chops.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:  the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in- the-back- of- the- fridge is group.  - Unknown

The stomach shouldn't be a waist basket.  Author Unknown

"Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts".  Coincidence?  I think not!  Author Unknown