committed a work cardinal sin

Seriously, who would know with men?  What on earth does he mean by a "friendship that could lead to a relationship" ??? You guys already HAVE a relationship - by now it may have deteriorated but you still HAVE ONE.  You can't back up the bus and say, oh let's just be friends and see what happens.  To me, to be honest, that sounds like a cop-out and he wants the friendship you give him but not the "hassle" of a relationship - like cold-feet sort of.  And honestly, if anyone was dating like 8 years and only JUST got engaged?  Don't these guys know what they want?  If I were you, I would save yourself some heartache and withdraw tactfully.  I know it's hard because you work together, but ya know, that's what you get when you "screw the crew" so to speak. 

Let him know you're still sweet on him, but that you don't want to get hurt and need to focus on your work for now until he's ready to make his position right with you one way or the other.  For me, that should buy you a little distance and emotional space to get back to working for him but not being with him in the immediate future.  BUT if he wants to court you, and take you out, you aren't going to say no, but set some boundaries. 

As my nana used to say, "Let the man chase you, until you are ready to be caught."  So, let him do the running as you know where you stand, and if he doesn't then I guess you will also know where you stand.  Don't know if this helps, but it seems sensible to me, if you are to come out of this relatively intact one way or the other. (( ))

If you're still working with him, change your job so you both have more freedom to say what needs to be said. Tell him he needs to make up his mind: does he want a relationship or not? Don't let him linger on in this inbetween state; it's totally unfair on you.

lucylocket: for the record, I "screwed the crew" and it's still working out just great thanks, so you're wrong when you say "that's what you get."

Nup, no wrong, just that is what CAN happen.  I screwed the crew too and have been happily married for 8 years now :)  BUT was also air crew for some years and have seen some real nasty situations.  What I was meaning is there is the potential for this to happen when you, well, you know, with colleagues and especially hierarchy ...

Hope it all works out, but meryl's right - he needs to make a decision. 

Not to be cruel but to be honest it seems as though like the movie tittle "He is just not that into you". It just sounds like an excuse this whole friend thing . I do not know manyguys that think that way ,if you find someone you want it  does not matter how you meet them. You do what ever you can to make it work if you truly want to be with that person.

I am sure this is not what you want to hear and really it is just my opinion . I could be way off base.

Instead of watching the movie, read the book, it'd probably be more helpful.

You can't go on living with this guy while he's sort of wanting to be with you and sort of not. You are  not happy with how things are, so change them. If he's having problems dealing with family deaths and past relationships maybe he needs to get into some counseling.

If he can't commit to being in a relationship with you, then you should not be living with him. If he only half commits, that really isn't good enough. You can still be friends and try to work things out, but living together doesn't make sense. If he's not fully committing to you, then he really doesn't want to be committing at all. Maybe he feels bad and feels like he'd be kicking you out with nowhere to go.

Don't depends on him for anything. Don't tell him you miss him so much and you want him back. Just tell him simply that you are getting your own place/moving back in with so-and-so/going to stay wtih your parents while you find a new place because you want to give him his space to decide what he wants to do about your relationship, because you aren't really happy with the way things are.  Either you are together, or you are just co-workers or friends. Tell him you just want what's best, and what will make you both happiest, and if he's not happy you are not happy.

Also, some companies have forms for you to fill out to disclose your in-office relationships. You can get in a lot of trouble if you are required to disclose it and you don't (like you could both be fired). Getting a different job wouldn't hurt either, though in the current economic situation it may be pretty difficult.

Original Post by kico714:

I usually keep stuff bottled up but know this is affecting my happiness which in turn affects my waistline... I have been good for about a month with committing myself to diet and exercise and don't want to fall off the bandwagon but... I started dating my boss and YES I KNOW THE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDNT SO PLEASE DONT LECTURE!!!!

Things were going great and I never had a connection like that with someone- I am 29 and have had my share of serious/casual relationships so I speak with a little experience.  At the beginning of the year-- we both got some bad news that we dealt with that usually makes or breaks a relationship.  A few weeks later, I had a work injury where I tore my ACL and ruptured the meniscus-- this is where I feel everything went downhill...

So I am dealing with that and gaining weight and feeling sick to my stomach everyday- SUPRISE- I am pregnant.  He was excited and I was excited and we started planning.  Of course our relationship was slowly being discovered- not because of our actions but rather his friend's big mouth.  I found out on May 2 that I lost the baby at just a little over 8 weeks.  Talk about devastation! 

Thats when things definitely turned for the worse becuase he told me he didn't want a relationship but wanted a good friendship that could lead to a relationship-- I called him out on what he was saying and he told me he was bitter because of everything that had happened in his past (including an ex wife and an exgirlfriend who had faked a pregnancy but later told him she had it aborted and recanted her story to a miscarriage)-- he was there with me when I had to go to the hospital for the DNC and sonogram!  Through more talk I found out that his one of his friends had been a friend of a girl for eight years and they just got engaged. I can only assume because we don't really talk now that he is looking at his friend's relationship as ideal and he wants the same thing.  He isn't fully committing to being in a relationship but he isnt entirely single either.  Thats what is bothering me.  If anyone can offer a guy's opinion on the matter I would appreciate it. I don't want to be played but something keeps pulling me towards this guy.  I have the feelings you are supposed to have in order to make this work long term.  I believe he did too.  I don't know whether to give this time- how much time is too much time?  When do you know when to walk away? 

Well, I don't know if I made the situation worse... I have lived with him since the beginning of the year.  And from his mouth he likes living together and we try to keep outside of work separate.  I don't exactly understand either how we went to having a relationship to not and being friends (he calls me a special friend that he shares his secrets with) that work on a serious relationship. I was and am still confused.  He said that a couple of months ago and I cut off sleeping with him (sexually and physically side by side).  He said that he is stressed by certain events of his life which include his mother and half siblings being killed by his stepfather when he was 18 and also the exwife and exgirlfriend.  I think that his view of relationships is skewed.  I'm not saying that I am perfect but I know I have a lot to offer that would be appreciated by most men. 

I took a step back emotionally in March and my feelings haven't gone away-- and I know that it doesn't help that I live with him.  I know people say take a black out time where you don't have communication with that person at all and evaluate everything-- I went away a few weeks ago and these feelings just won't budge.  As much as he has his flaws and displays them (lol- I have mine too), I still honestly like him.  I have never told him I love you as weird as that sounds because I felt a like for him for such a long time.  I want to talk to him about it but don't want to press this.

 

 

I agree with RunningMan: " He's just not that into you..."

Read the book before you watch the movie.

Book Quote:"The reality is harsh, but if a man likes you enough, he will find a way to ask you out, no excuses. He is not too busy (seriously how long does it take to pick up the phone or send a text), too shy, too damaged, too out of town, or too anything else except too not into you! No matter how shy/busy/scared he is, he will find a way to overcome all obstacles if he is that into you."

It comes down to the same principle for both genders: If a person hasn't given you a clear indication as to whether or not they're into you, then you may have to take a risk and break down your wall of excuses.That way you can honestly  find out... whether they're "just not that into you" or not.

It's important to consider the possibility that he's just not that into you. That book is amazing because it breaks things down. Most people are the rule not the exception! All the most common excuses are about the exception... But that ain't you/us! Lol! It's hilarious/true at the same time.

... but also consider all the countless hours you will/can save yourself by taking away excuses.

Find out! Bite the bullet and throw away all the excuses his/yours/others made for him and/or you by outside sources/Etc.w/e  Best of Luck! By the way let us know how things work out regardless. Status updates are appreciated but rarely seen on here.

First things first - look after you.  Stick it out at least until you get your knee done.  Nothing is going to change particuarly right now is it, so you might as well get the knee sorted and have some time to think.  Secondly, it may be that he is afraid this relationship will go the way of others and his own poor family model, so might be self sabotaging the relationship; testing you out to see how you will react; etc.  Lots of reasons. 

With that sort of family history it can be difficult.  I had a bf before my husband and his mum had shot his dad when he was about 3.  He never really got over it and even as an adult - and this might sound familiar - he was forthright and really business like and confident in his business-mode, which was really attractive and made me feel good.  In his home life he was such a child and it drove me absolutely up the wall and in fact we ended up cohabiting in exactly the same way ... I completely went off him and ended up as a flatmate (sound familiar?) which of course then got REALLY ugly when I met my husband ...............

I have no idea if any of this helps, but right now, you're Number One, so sort your knee out and don't do anything drastic if you don't have to.  THEN readdress the situation.  I mean, it sounds like everything is kind of status quo right now, so get that done first, and then take it from there. 

Good luck and PM me if you want to ...

The babay thing scared the hell out of him.

wont admit it, but it did. now there is no baby and he is looking for an escape route.  He likes you though and thats why he wants to continue to be freinds.....get him to talk with you and you may be able to sort it ou t or let him go.

you never know he may really WANT a baby and be scared you don't.  Like I say, he hasn't asked you to move out, so get your knee sorted and take time to talk with him about stuff while you're laid up.

You live and work with him...so yea, he's going to try to bow out nicely. He doesn't want to live and work in hell until....whenever....

But sometimes, too much happens and you just can't get past it. it sounds like he has issues with women (the ex thing) as it is and it already would have been hard as hell for the both of you losing the baby.

right now he's giving you an empty promise into the future....he's not saying he wants a relationship and he's not even sayign that he WILL want one....even though you already HAVE one.....

You need to be straight with him. I was in a situation where I really loved someone but they couldn't commit...so I told him that w.o that commitment, I just couldn't be the friend that he needed, cuz I would always be wanting more and I owed it to myself to see what else was out there. Of course THEN he didn't want to let me go, but I did anyway (HAVE TO STAND YOUR GROUND). Turns out I wasn't ready for a relationship either. I learned so much about myself, and how strong I am and that darnit, I deserve someone completely commited to me, not wishy washy always wondering how he feels today. And that's exactly what I got!

I like the quote from above....he shoudln't be TOO anything. If he wants you, he'd be there and everything else would take a backseat. You deserve that.

It might hurt like hell to go through, but eventually this too will pass, and you'll look back one day.....will you be happy with the road you chose?