Concerned Friend

Hey everyone,

     So I have another male friend who I met three years ago at an eating disorder clinic. Unlike me who used to be overweight leading me to a very restrictive diet and to bulimia and to the clinic, my friend was always an average weight until he got hung up with dieting and exercising when he turned 15 or so (he was teased for many other things that had nothing to do with his weight/appearance)....anyway he is contsantly struggling with his weight going up and down about 20 lbs over the course of the past three years...when he is on the "high end" he looks the best but always startes to look funny when he drops into the low 140's and 130's...he says he weighs in the 140's now and looks great....anyway today when we were jogging together as we do every sunday he flat out told me he was...and I quote...."tired of eating in the summer" and after today was only going to eat a salad/vegetables for dinner, a cliff bar, and continue to jog not his usual 4...but 8 miles a day for the next 6 weeks or so....I have been on edge with my own weight since I have gained but I literally started yelling at him and we got int a huge fight....but seriously this is the STUPIDEST THING I have ever heard and I am no angel when it ocmes to this stuff by any means....the sick thing is I know he will in fact carry this out....I don't know what to do....he got mad at me and went home and isn't answering his phone now to me (I know he is ok though b/c he went out with another friend for dinner ironically).....I am really worried what is going to happen to him if he really tries to go through with this and succeeds in his twisted head of finally achieving that sickly look he is always desiring....again I am sick too with this stuff, which isn't helping...what should I do? I was thinking of claling our councilor, although I am not sure what that will do.....

hi - i met lots of ppl on both my ed programme and also on other programmes i did. i have come across this situation also. in the end i found, under instruction from the ed staff, that you have to let this person fall.

you have to let them choose to do what they are going to do and you have to distance yourself from them. let him know that you think what he is doing is a bad idea. but also tell him, that if he is embarking on that plan that you need to back off as friends. this is a triggering move for you and if he had any kind of mass on you at all as a friend he would cop the hell on.

it is not your responsibility to call his counsellor. it is his. if he is aware that he is slipping, or as it seems - he is actively pushing his own relapse, then he needs to be the one to call the counsellor. it is about taking responsibility for his own health and life. and owning up to the fact that: in 6 months from now if he is emaciated and miserable, then he has to take responsibility for that.

as a friend you have guided him as best you can. now its up to him.

I too have a lot of friends with ed and am in recovery. I think that you can't change others only state how you feel and maybe in a calm manner and focus on what you need to do. I know it can be hard when one is uncomfortable with themselves but try to not glorify the ed under these times. Try to focus on what the ed takes away and what life this will lead to for your friend. If he is set on going back you can tell him how you want to be friends but can't listen to him talk like he does cause it upsets you. If he feels he wants to make progress you will be there. I have a rule with my friends with ed no weight or food talk. We are all different and it is best to focus on ones needs. We do talk about body image or life struggles though just not numbers or behaviors

ahhh I seriously got NO SLEEP whatsoever last night....I saw him like 2 hours after this at a friends house and was gorging himself with food....I didn't say anything, but knew what he was doing...eating before he "can't" again for a while...I just ended up walking out....

then this morning I got to work early and guess who comes jogging in form their house which is 8 miles a way...seriously I just can't believe it. It's almost like he isn't serious about this and just wants my attention or something....I usually go to lunch with him at lunch hour, but refuse to today because I KNOW he is just going to want to rub it in more....

this problem is making me worried for two reasons-his health and mine....I guess I am just going to have to walk away and ignore him...just easier said than done :-\

walk away. i kno the game he is playing. this is not a professional comment from me, but its the truth. let him fall. he clearly is trying to alert you to something. but dont rise to the game he is playing.

adults tell eachother things, when they need to get something off their chest. they dont "show" eachother, by goin to extreme measures to self destruct.

walk away

I am so sorry this is impacting you so hard. It seems like he is doing this as almost a cry for help to be this out so to speak about it. Do what you have to taake care. Can you tell him how this is hurting you? Please take care. It is not a rub in your face though it can feel that way. He is in a very bad place and I hope you see that. This reminds me how when someone is an ed and in such a struggle that they can become very selfish. Look he does not even notice how this hurts you. Please take care and I hope you can have a good lunch.Don't use this as a reason to use the ed. Show it you can be strong

sounds like you a good concerned friend, but the best thing you can do...walk away.  i agree with fidget, because you can't jeopardize your recovery.  its not fair if you're the only one being a real friend, because he should be considerate enough not to drag you into this game.  people who get sick together don't get healthy together.  just keep that in mind.  i have had to walk away from so many friends.  When he gets better, he'll naturally be a better friend, so don't worry.  i know exactly how you feel, because i am going through the EXACT same situation right now.  its so hard to just let go, but you're not alone.