Concerning Behavioral Parallels

Alright, so today, for the first time in almost a year, I exercised for nearly two hours. This used to be the amount of exercise that I was involved in between school and home. However, the only problem is that this level of activity also marked a time when I had anorexia nervosa. While I do feel really good both physically and mentally (much less anxious and restless than usual), I cannot help but be slightly concerned that I might be headed back in a bad direction. In addition to increased exercise, I have also noticed (as has my family) that I have become rather obsessed with eating certain foods (i.e. sushi, granola bars, and cereal). Again, this reminds me a bit too much of when I used to have an eating disorder. Presently, I am eating at maintenance level, based on my level of activity. Nevertheless, given my background with an eating disorder, should I be concerned that I am heading down the same unhealthy path again, or should I embrace the fact that I am eating healthy and exercising more? 

Note: I never received any sort of treatment for my ED. As a matter of fact, unless my mom did not bother to tell me about it, I never even received the diagnosis (had all the symptoms, though). Somehow, I eventually managed to become weight-restored on my own. 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through the turmoil of an ED, but I'm equally glad to hear that you were able to come back from the brink and understand its destructiveness.

Your past doesn't have to equal your future.  If anything, just being aware of this parallel should be enough to keep you from it; so long you truly are committed to approaching weight in a healthy manner.

I would suggest you reaffirm your healthy goals each day, and remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing. Staying motivated is like keeping up your hygiene; you got to make sure to refresh your goals and your reasons for them every day.

Cheers :)

Original Post by msilvermane:

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through the turmoil of an ED, but I'm equally glad to hear that you were able to come back from the brink and understand its destructiveness.

Your past doesn't have to equal your future.  If anything, just being aware of this parallel should be enough to keep you from it; so long you truly are committed to approaching weight in a healthy manner.

I would suggest you reaffirm your healthy goals each day, and remind yourself of why you're doing what you're doing. Staying motivated is like keeping up your hygiene; you got to make sure to refresh your goals and your reasons for them every day.

Cheers :)

To be honest, I have never really had "healthy" goals. I cannot even remember how I came to be weight-restored, save for the fact that nobody helped me do it. Given that, one would think that I must have had some guiding purpose, but the reality is that I really don't think that I did. I know that sounds rather strange, but it's true, as far as I can recall.

seems to me, 

awareness is key. if you are aware of your behavior, you can adjust as needed. exercise is a good thing in moderation. 2 hours is fine for many people, so although that was a symptom in the past, it does not need to be in the present or the future. its ok to be fit and healthy. if your quit eatting enough to maintain your weight and activity levels, you'll need to assess and adjust, but in itself, you dont give any info in your op that raises flags. 

same with food choices. lots of us get into rhythms with particular foods, whether because their easy, healthy choices, taste good, make us feel good, whatever. as long as your getting more variety than just these three things, even if they are kind of central right now.  i have a friend who eats the exact same breakfast every day. another who takes sandwiches for lunch five days a week. thats not pathological, just practical. i eat soup alot in the winter. i'll go for weeks with one of my primary meals being about three cups of salad with protein. i get very into blueberries! then im ready for a change. sushi sounds like a good summer food. so i wonder: are there some fruits and veggies in there? while these are your three main food interests, is there more variety than that over all? do you enjoy your food? are you feeling a need to restrict? or is this just what you enjoy right now?

i think the emotion and motivation behind things may help you discern what's going on more than just the appearance of it. 

so i wonder what you mean by "obsessed". defining that might help you answer your question? 

Original Post by bubbles556:

seems to me, 

awareness is key. if you are aware of your behavior, you can adjust as needed. exercise is a good thing in moderation. 2 hours is fine for many people, so although that was a symptom in the past, it does not need to be in the present or the future. its ok to be fit and healthy. if your quit eatting enough to maintain your weight and activity levels, you'll need to assess and adjust, but in itself, you dont give any info in your op that raises flags. 

same with food choices. lots of us get into rhythms with particular foods, whether because their easy, healthy choices, taste good, make us feel good, whatever. as long as your getting more variety than just these three things, even if they are kind of central right now.  i have a friend who eats the exact same breakfast every day. another who takes sandwiches for lunch five days a week. thats not pathological, just practical. i eat soup alot in the winter. i'll go for weeks with one of my primary meals being about three cups of salad with protein. i get very into blueberries! then im ready for a change. sushi sounds like a good summer food. so i wonder: are there some fruits and veggies in there? while these are your three main food interests, is there more variety than that over all? do you enjoy your food? are you feeling a need to restrict? or is this just what you enjoy right now?

i think the emotion and motivation behind things may help you discern what's going on more than just the appearance of it. 

so i wonder what you mean by "obsessed". defining that might help you answer your question? 

I do not feel any particular need to restrict, those are merely the foods that I enjoy, albeit in appropriate portions. Nevertheless, those are not the only foods that I eat, but more precisely, the central foods, as you suggested.

As for emotions, I am a rather indifferent person. As a matter of fact, only recently was I able to discern my reasons for developing an ED in the first place. Presently, I spend most of my time feeling either numb or bored, and occasionally depressed. In spite of these negative feelings, there has not been anything going on in my life that might lead to another bout with anorexia. The only scenario that I can think of is one in which I overreact to a binge. However, because these  binges have never been a common struggle for me, I do not foresee them triggering contradictory habits in the near future.

Obsessed might be too strong a word, though it does reflect my personality rather well. Those are just the foods that I show a strong preference for at the moment. I am not particularly interested in food right now, although I am increasingly engaging in more exercise. I find that, as of late, very few activities hold much pleasure for me. My day is more or less spent finding ways to kill time....so that I can proceed the same way the next day. Bizarre phase, I guess. I should also note that I am starting to become very reluctant to sleep, even when tired, for reasons currently beyond my awareness. Additionally, I have become very paranoid about the contents of foods and beverages. For example, I will no longer order a diet soda from a restaurant, for fear that the waiter might serve me regular soda without my knowledge. Moreover, I will not allow anyone to cook for me because I am afraid of the decadent sorts of ingredients (i.e. butter, olive oil, etc.) that they might use. In short, my eating habits are trending toward the abnormal, and what concerns me more than anything is my passive resistance to these changes. 

vincent_louis, 

im sorry your in such a funky place right now!

it sounds like you have some depression going on. changes in sleep patterns, changes in food interests (paranoia about ingredients), and loss of interest in general are all typical symptoms of depression.

the exercise should help. healthy fats too. you dont need to avoid olive oil. its good for you. the skin, cells, and brain all need us to eat our healthy fats. you dont need a ton of them, but you do need some! eat foods high in vit. A and D. especially D. fish oil/omega 3 and 6 fatty acids have been shown to help with depression as well. if your not interested in meds, food choices may be one of your best solutions. you might also look for foods high in anti-oxidents, as they tend to help with overall mood, like blue berries! (im so biased towards blue berries!). 

do you work? if not, you might want to check out a few hobbies, take a class or do some volunteer work, even if your not too interested to start with, getting yourself out in the world "finding [new] ways to kill time" might be of gentle benefit, rather than doing the regular. the brain likes novelty, gives it something to do. if you do work, and hate your job, that will depress any of us. look for a new job! it at least helps open up ones thinking about where we might be in the future and how to get there, a little list of "maybe's" to do, instead of sitting around waiting for the next torturous day of the blaws. these are the things that help me anyway.

other ideas might be to start researching a subject your interested in, dreams? engineering? fashion design? geology? it really doesn't matter the subject, just that you find a flickering little spark and try to give it someplace to grow stronger. or taking a class at the community college or local arts center, even a yoga class or something. something to fill up some of those blocks of boredom. 

or you could go see the doctor, a little counseling or a trial of meds are two other options. i love acuptuncture for when depression comes around. it really helps, its relatively cheep, and its effective. but of course, for any of this to help, you've got to want it to be different, at least a little bit, and i suppose you do, or you wouldn't be posting here asking for input. 

how do you feel about researching into food and mood? restructuring your diet to support healthy body functioning? that would give you something to do and help you get over some of the fears about fats in the diet, and still support your decision to stay clear of soda pop! 

whatever you decide, i hope you'll give yourself a little room to play with wasting time in ways that are kind of fun and interesting, let yourself dream a bit about a life with some interest in it. you can have one, you just have to figure out how to get there, and all of it happens a step at a time. 

im sorry your having such a hard time right now. i wish you all the best. 

I have an alternative point of view and there seem to be a couple of issues, albeit related. 

Don't take this "the wrong way", I speak from experience.  Have you been diagnosed or suggested that you have autistic traits, are autistic or Asperger's Syndrome?  Eating obsessions, restrictive tastes and indifference are all present in many autistic people.  For all intents and purposes, I was anorexic during my childhood.  But not for weight loss reasons.  I simply couldn't eat many foods due to smell and texture. When my tastes broadened, I couldn't stop eating and became overweight because my obsessiveness led to a lot of high-calorie bingeing. 

On the more immediate issue of recovering from ED, we use words like recovery because we are describing an addiction.  Many people live with addictions all their life and they don't erase the addiction, they change the behavior.  If you can accept that, then maybe you can refocus your eating habits and exercise regime so that they are healthy and make you feel good. 

I do see a problem with associating feeling good with doing something bad.  You may need to see a professional because that suggests deep-seated issues with treating yourself well.

Original Post by bubbles556:

vincent_louis, 

im sorry your in such a funky place right now!

it sounds like you have some depression going on. changes in sleep patterns, changes in food interests (paranoia about ingredients), and loss of interest in general are all typical symptoms of depression.

the exercise should help. healthy fats too. you dont need to avoid olive oil. its good for you. the skin, cells, and brain all need us to eat our healthy fats. you dont need a ton of them, but you do need some! eat foods high in vit. A and D. especially D. fish oil/omega 3 and 6 fatty acids have been shown to help with depression as well. if your not interested in meds, food choices may be one of your best solutions. you might also look for foods high in anti-oxidents, as they tend to help with overall mood, like blue berries! (im so biased towards blue berries!). 

do you work? if not, you might want to check out a few hobbies, take a class or do some volunteer work, even if your not too interested to start with, getting yourself out in the world "finding [new] ways to kill time" might be of gentle benefit, rather than doing the regular. the brain likes novelty, gives it something to do. if you do work, and hate your job, that will depress any of us. look for a new job! it at least helps open up ones thinking about where we might be in the future and how to get there, a little list of "maybe's" to do, instead of sitting around waiting for the next torturous day of the blaws. these are the things that help me anyway.

other ideas might be to start researching a subject your interested in, dreams? engineering? fashion design? geology? it really doesn't matter the subject, just that you find a flickering little spark and try to give it someplace to grow stronger. or taking a class at the community college or local arts center, even a yoga class or something. something to fill up some of those blocks of boredom. 

or you could go see the doctor, a little counseling or a trial of meds are two other options. i love acuptuncture for when depression comes around. it really helps, its relatively cheep, and its effective. but of course, for any of this to help, you've got to want it to be different, at least a little bit, and i suppose you do, or you wouldn't be posting here asking for input. 

how do you feel about researching into food and mood? restructuring your diet to support healthy body functioning? that would give you something to do and help you get over some of the fears about fats in the diet, and still support your decision to stay clear of soda pop! 

whatever you decide, i hope you'll give yourself a little room to play with wasting time in ways that are kind of fun and interesting, let yourself dream a bit about a life with some interest in it. you can have one, you just have to figure out how to get there, and all of it happens a step at a time. 

im sorry your having such a hard time right now. i wish you all the best. 

If depression is involved, it would not surprise me. Mental health problems run in my family. 

I am well aware that healthy fats are necessary for a healthy lifestyle, yet I cannot bring myself to eat them most of the time. It is much easier for me to consume several small, separate portions of a low-fat food, then to simply consume a single serving of a full-fat food. 

I do not work, as I do not have a permit to do so. Furthermore, I am presently still a high school student, which does require some time and attention. And yet, having already completed a few college courses, doing high school work basically bores me to tears. Thankfully, I am on target to graduate a year early via independent study. In regards to the current summer term, I have been considering becoming involved in some volunteer work in addition to my school work. However, I must admit that I am hesitant to do so as a consequence of my fear of being trapped at some foreign location. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I never particularly enjoyed going to school (though I loved the repetitive nature of homework, as well as learning in general), and thus associate being away from home for more than a few hours with being held captive. Additionally, I am increasingly starting to feel the same way about time commitments. I honestly have to take things ten minutes at a time, more or less like a little kid, which I find somewhat discouraging. I mean, not to boast, but I used to be a perfectionist student that could spend 6 hours on homework, in addition to attending school. Then, I would even spend my weekends locked away, working on homework. It was not only repetitive, but also a challenge, and so I enjoyed it. And yet now, with high school work no longer a challenge, I find that I can take much less time on the work and still receive an "A." Thus, in order to supplement my work, I have recently assumed the challenge of learning how to play the piano, learning Russian, and improving my drawing capabilities. 

Personally, I do not perceive my present circumstances as being "hard," but rather, as being dull and to a certain extent, uncertain. I am one of those people that MUST know what happens next, who feels obligated to right schedules, in spite of the knowledge that the unexpected will happen and all my plans will be obliterated. Let me put it this way: I am the only type A personality in a house full of type B personalities. 

Thank you for prompting some introspection on my part.

Original Post by mrsdagle:

I have an alternative point of view and there seem to be a couple of issues, albeit related. 

Don't take this "the wrong way", I speak from experience.  Have you been diagnosed or suggested that you have autistic traits, are autistic or Asperger's Syndrome?  Eating obsessions, restrictive tastes and indifference are all present in many autistic people.  For all intents and purposes, I was anorexic during my childhood.  But not for weight loss reasons.  I simply couldn't eat many foods due to smell and texture. When my tastes broadened, I couldn't stop eating and became overweight because my obsessiveness led to a lot of high-calorie bingeing. 

On the more immediate issue of recovering from ED, we use words like recovery because we are describing an addiction.  Many people live with addictions all their life and they don't erase the addiction, they change the behavior.  If you can accept that, then maybe you can refocus your eating habits and exercise regime so that they are healthy and make you feel good. 

I do see a problem with associating feeling good with doing something bad.  You may need to see a professional because that suggests deep-seated issues with treating yourself well.

 

I don't find that prospect offensive in the least. It actually makes a lot of sense. However, having read rather extensively into the matter, I must say that my behavioral tendencies point more toward Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, as opposed to an Autism Spectrum disorder. 

The only reason that I make such associations is that I have a propensity for taking things to far. For example, I strive to avoid social situations because I know that, if I start talking, then I will doubtless end up embarrassing myself. I recognize that everyone makes a social faux pas every now and again, and yet, it seems as though I will inevitably make one. I should note that I am very much an introvert, though I cannot say that I am exactly shy. In other words, while I am aware that this site advocates balance and moderation, I still have not figured out how to change my all-or-none approach to life. As a matter of fact, if you have any suggestions for how to do so, I would be more than happy to read them

hi vincent louis, 

your obviously intelligent, well spoken, thoughtful, and im not surprised to hear that high school bores you to tears! 

how did you like the college courses? if you enjoy study, that might be the thing to do. pursue subjects you enjoy and let yourself be challenged. it sounds like you enjoy a challenge and an intense task that you can work at on your own. i went to college during highschool as well, had to stay in highschool four hours a day, because in that era, they wouldn't let one graduate early, so i took only art and literature classes for the last two years, those subjects held my attention and kept it tolerable. all my pre-req's were done. the rest of the time i was at college. 

guess there is a bit of confession in my thinking boring and dull is hard. i find boring a harder experience to manage than stress, problem solving, and having to adapt to new situations. i love learning, and boring is more challenging to learn from than difficulty for me, or a more difficult difficulty than those that have conflict and tension in them, alas. 

so, the question seems to be, how do you ease yourself into eating the full variety of foods that a body requires. i think several small meals a day are fine. seems many in the field of health and nutrition are advocating it more and more, so it doesn't seem like you need to worry about that. leaving you with the question how do you make sure your getting all your nutritional needs met through the course of a day or week. 

i have no idea how you'll do it. i have switched to low fat rather than non fat yogurt. eat fish for the fish oils (my brain seems to love halibut-helps me think clearly), and for cooking i use olive oil. i've started putting flax oil in my morning oat meal as well, and when i started i could tell a difference in how i felt. you dont have to do a full dose, perhaps start with a teaspoon instead of a table spoon, added right before its finished cooking so the oil doesn't heat up too much but it has some time to soak into the grain. add in some fruit for sweetness, and walla! i dont know what will work for you food wise, but it sounds like it might be a place to apply some of your creative thinking and problem solving skills. 

musings on mental health: 

i dont know what country you are in, but if your family has health insurance, you might consider doing a depth oriented therapy for a while to explore your options about how to give yourself a life you want. i think this because you seem to enjoy introspection, which is what a depth oriented therapy is all about. depth oriented would be working with someone in the psychoanalytic or Jungian tradition, someone who values the unconscious dimensions of the mind and helps you become aware of your feelings and unconscious assumptions by exploring behaviors and beliefs. this approach uses introspective capacity to help with symptom management (boredom, apathy, ocd, etc.) and to support movement into creativity, health, and happiness. my 2 cents: its ok to shop around. interview a few people on the phone, make an initial appointment with the one who seems like a good fit, and see how it feels. the relationship is important, how it feels to be in the room with them. i dont know if thats something your interested in, but it sounds like you are the type of person that could make excellent use of that type of experience. 

many think OCD arises out of anxiety. a productive field of research out of UCLA has explored how mindfulness meditation helps re-wiring the neuropathways in people suffering ODC. apparently mindfulness meditation helps send the impulse up into the frontal cortex so the executive functions can get in on managing the obsessive/compulsive impulses, which then allows those suffering from such behavior to access more options before being propelled into action. they've validated the effectiveness of mindfulness as an intervention with PET scans as well as behavioral measures and self reports of OCD suffers. I think the researcher whose work im thinking of is named Jeremy Schwartz. hmm. taking up meditation might be another option for self help in finding balance amidst a tendency for all or nothing thinking. . . . 

and, finally, the "science" of behind the "diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders" (the DSM-IV) is notoriously inexact. there is a lot of controversy among different disciplines within the mental health field, and diagnostic criteria changes through the decades. i'll avoid a long tangent about who is in conflict with who over what. and yet, despite all the controversy in the field, it still does provide a base line for conceptualizing the suffering we humans go through, and assists in languaging, phenomenological inquiry, and furthers research into both causal factors and treatment strategies that can hopefully help alleviate at least some human suffering. its a useful tool, but it isn't a gospel. ~ many people partake of more than one diagnostic category without meeting the full criteria of any, so having some OCD tendencies and also qualities that are consistent with the autistic spectrum, and complaints that partake of anxiety and/or depression is not outside the realm of the likely. like the dsm, diagnosis is only a tool to help us actually understand the quality of our personal experience. it shouldn't take us out of our experience, but help us take better care of ourselves. diagnoses are not gospel either. they change through time, different clinicians will give the same individual assessed within the same time span different diagnoses, etc. so if its helpful in living, go for it. if its not, that's important information too! 

dont know if any of that is worth a dime, just thinking out loud perhaps, 

still wishing you all the best, b.

I agree with Bubbles here on key points. 

I do know autistic people who have been misdiagnosed with OCD or are dually diagnosed with OCD.  There are a lot of similarities in their treatment too. 

I think the OCD/anxiety is a chicken/egg argument to be honest.  Anxiety can be chemically-based and just another issue with Executive Dysfunction. 

I know of autistic teens that attend college so that they will finish high school.  Otherwise they will drop out because of the utter lack of stimulation and care in public schools.  I plan to send my own son to college or something similar when and if the need arises.  I tutor him math because they are so far behind in the elementary schools. 

For help in "balancing your life", frankly I didn't start to deal with that issue until I was in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) with a pyschologist.  I have spoken with other autistic people who have done the same with good results.