i have a confession to make

hey guys.. just wanted to say to everyone.. that i need to confess that i'm very jealous of most of you.  There are so many wonderful people here who look in the mirror and see someone who is less than perfect, but when i look at your pictures on your profile.. you don't know how badly i'd love to look like any of you.  i am jealous of anyone who is under 150 pounds.  i don't like those feelings because i want to be supportive of everyone here... but i have a hard time relating to those of you who have so much less than me to lose.. i can't understand why anyone would think that 20 pounds is an impossible amount of weight to lose. 

now i just want you guys to know that this is MY problem.. and i'm trying to fix it..

maybe it's because there are very few of us that have over 100 pounds to lose who have put our pictures up... and the picutres that i have seen of some of you i can't imagine looking like that and not being more than happy with myself.  i know it's all about body image and how we see ourselves.. but seriously.. if you weigh 150 or less and feel like you are very overweight.. compare your picture with mine and know that there are those of us out here who would die for your figure.. :) 

i guess this all boils down to me being jealous.. so if i've ever not been supportive to you thinner people out there.. know that i'm working on that.. i want to and try to support everyone here.. but sometimes it's harder to do. 

the confessional is closed.. sorry if i've offended anyone and i'm not trying to say that you shouldn't have your feelings.. i am saying that your feelings about your body image are just as valid as mine about my body image and i sometimes lose sight of that.

I think you make a good point and I understand it to some extent for sure.  while we are being honest here I have an honest question to ask and I think you would be a good person to answer.  I have been thin my entire life and my goals as far as pounds are not a big as yours.  What you are doing is very commendable and you taking control is great.  Its very inspriational to many - I think.

But to my question...you are bigger than me and have a good amount to loose,  I have always been curious how people get to such a large size.  I guess I don't know because as soon as I feel that things are getting out of control for me I make that change then.  I guess I just realize or have been more sensitive to the changes in my body.  I don't want to offend or anything like that I am just curious.

Maybe it has to do with the way that I was raised to always be reading labels and very health conscience.  I am starting to realized that  I have a lot more knowledge in this area than a lot of people out there.  Is that it?

obsidyan - I am really just curious and if I offend you or anyone else here I am truely sorry.  I think I just want to know so that I a make sure I stay in the right mind set throughout my life.  I really just want to learn so I can appreciate better how people here feel.

If I were 110 lbs I would not put my picture up and that is because I have always felt very unattractive...having nothing to even do with my weight. You are absolutely lovely and I would be extremely happy to be as pretty as you are. Maybe it's neither here nor there but I wanted to let you know that.

I can certainly understand, ob, especially given the relatively few males on this board and how good most of them look in comparison to myself.

*offers hug*

The difference, though, is that you're working towards the right goal. You may not be as thin as some of the gels on this board YET, but you're working towards it. And I don't think I'd be wrong to speak for the board when I say we all expect you WILL succeed. Not because of us, or because of any advice we could offer, because YOU'RE the one with most of the good advice, but because you really WANT to do it.

You'll get there, ob, promise. You're on the right track.

come over to my diet log and pick up a few huggs. There free, today only.

And love, I know the feeling about being jealous. So your not alone. And you darn sure should be proud of yourself for voicing it and talking about it in "public". I couldn't.

God I love the way you tackle you stuff, instead of pushing it in the back corner of nowhere. Keep doing it. Talking about hard things, is the first step of healing.

So I see you in a minute for your free huggles.

Hi Dena, I just checked out your pictures and profile.  You're doing great.  I know how you feel because I feel the same way.  I look at some of the pictures and they're down to the 130's where I want to be.  I need to lose another 38 lbs to get there.  I know it's possible, just takes a long time.  Just keep taking the baby steps, before you know it, you'll be there too.  Keep your chin up, and remember the lbs are melting off with all your hard work. 

As for posting my picture.  I've tried but for some reason I can't figure it out.  Hopefully Eric will be able to help me.

I am sorry if my post did not sound supportive.  clearly by you being here is putting you on the right track and you do give very good advice.  And of course you will succeed, it seems like you already have in many ways.  Each day seems to be a success for you.

I guess guys I should feel bad that I make such a fuss about my weight.. I weight 140 and I'm 5' 7". I only have a big stomach and it gets the better of me sometime. All of us has some issues about ourselves some time or the other.

and do not apoligize because you feel jealous of us. you're your own person and you're beautiful in your own way. and i KNOW that everyone is jealous for one person for one thing that they might have that we want, so dont feel bad. It happens to all of us.

Just take it one day at a time and then when you lose pounds, you;ll say to yourself that I have accomplished alot and I did it for me and now people will me jealous of ME because I made such an effort to look good. :)

dcgirl I have a lot of weight to lose I am can only speak for myself here.

I was raised on fried meat, mashed potatoes, sweets, junk food.  Everyone in my family was overweight to some extent and had extremely bad eating habits.  I didn't realize that then.  I was always told that I was exactly the way God wanted me to be, etc.  It wasn't until I got older and started getting teased that I realized it wasn't acceptable to be overweight.

Well, realizing that you don't fit in when you are in your early teens can be dramatic.  The worse I felt - the more I ate.  I couldn't get control.  My family said they loved me the way I was so they didn't offer much help.

Years of not being in control and not sure how to get control put me where I am today.  I am now struggling to change eating habits, struggling to exercise when I don't physically feel good enough to exercise and very self-conc. when I do.

Asking people why they are overweight is asking them to tell you a story about their life experiences, traditions, and feelings.  Some might be offended but hopefully we will be able to discuss this in a helpful way.

I think people who have always been thin, who have been raised with healthy eating habits, was taught to be active - should give their parents and extra hug today.

dcgirl-  there are so many factors involved in getting to this size it's not even funny. 

i was put on my first diet by my mom when i was 12 years old. i was not allowed to have any snacks or eat anything that was in the least bit bad for me.. so i started to binge when they wern't around.  i was allowed to go back to my normal eating patters shortly thereafter.  i was maybe 10-20 pounds overweight at that time.  i did, somehow, get my weight down to 120 ish (i really don't remember what it was anymore) when i was a freshman in high school.  i was still told by everyone in my family and my friends, that i was fat and needed to lose.  so i started dieting again.. but to me dieting was something you did during the day and then binged at night when no one was around.  this was the start of my eating disorder i now know.  from that moment on i tried every diet but continued to binge whenever i was alone because i was starving myself.  by the time i was done with college i weighed 240 (ish) and felt horrible about myself.. so i tried to break the cycle.. but no go.  just got heavier.  then after i got married i decided once and for all that i was going to do it the right way.  so i joined a gym and counted my calories and tried to quit binging and i was successful.. i went from 260 to 220 and was feeling very good about  myself.. but then i fell off the wagon for about 6 months and went up to 250 again.  so i decided that enough was enough and started counting calories and exercising again.  i gained 10 pounds in 2 months of doing this... i got so frustrated that i quit and went overboard.  cut to 2 years ago.  i had some serious medical problems (not weight associated believe it or not) and had about 6 months worth of blood work, tests, all sorts of weird tests.. and i got 2 diagnosis back.. 1. i am hypothyroid and that that condition was probably hurting me for many years since i had signs of the condition from when i was a child (one of them being some of my baby teeth had to be extracted when i was in high school) now i'm not saying that that is my only problem with weight gain.. i have an eating disorder and i know it.. and 2.  i was diagnosed with pcos, poly cycstic ovarian syndrome.  i have had that my whole life and never knew it.  this condition also plays some role in being overweight because it's mainly a hormone imbalance. 

after 1 year of getting tested for the thyroid condition every 6 weeks they finally found the right doseage for me.  i have been at the right level for about 6 months now and i can lose this weight so i am.. the weight loss is not the issue for me anymore.. it's learning how to deal with all of the emotions tied with being this overweight and how to stop a destructive eating disorder.. which is just as serious (in my mind) and hard to quit as anorexia and bulemia.  i have always said that i'm bulemic i just never learned how to purge.. which is true..

i don't have many answers why i'm in the right mind frame right now to do this.. maybe it's because i finally know (because of the thyroid medication being correct) that i can lose this weight.. maybe i'm sick of the taunts and the rude comments i get when i'm in public.. i don't know.. but i do know that every day is a struggle and i have to remind myself on an almost hourly if not minute by minute basis why i'm doing this and why i need to keep on doing what i'm doing.  i can feel myself slip once in a while but i have so far been able to keep it under control.  i have not had a binge since january 18th, which doesn't seem like a long time to most.. but for me this is the best i've ever done since i was 14 years old. 

i am not offended by you asking.. i'm glad you asked.. i think it's better to get this stuff out in the open so that people can understand that sometimes very overweight people are this way for a reason.  i'd rather have someone ask me that question than to assume that i've been a lazy butt all my life and just now decided to get off it..

thanks everyone!  sorry it took me so long to respond.. but i had a lot to type.  

ok.. i'm off to the gym then mothers day present shopping.. nothing like waiting till the last minute i know! 

i'll talk to you all later

Have a good day, ob.

Dena, I can totally relate to your feelings, and don't worry you won't have to feel jealous much longer!  You are doing an awesome job and I am glad that these feelings and questions are being discussed. 

For me, the way I got to 300 lbs was just plain overeating.  I ate way too much of the wrong types of foods.  As a child, my father was physically abusive, and often I was comforted with food after an occurrence of abuse.  (ex. I hit you so now I'll take you out for pizza and ice cream to say I'm sorry)  I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior or blame my dad, I just have realized this after years of analyzing where my food habits came from. 

I have to say that this is the most awesome weight loss board.  What a really cool & supportive group of people here. 

I believed I was fat when I was 5'4" & weighed 125 when I was a teenager.

I started dieting when I was 12 because I believed I was fat. Apparently, I went into starvation mode.  I never really became anorexic, but I was thin. But you couldn't have convinced me of it - I thought I was fat, fat, fat.  That's all I heard from my parents, grandmother, brother - about how awful it was to be fat (none of them were) and that I was 'leaning that way'. My brother of course called me names like fatty and piggy, etc...  My parents said I'd better be careful, or I'd end up fat.  So I ate very little and exercised a lot.

At 18, I left home, started college and a full time job - at a bakery.

I got married - bad decision. He was abusive - physically, sexually, emotionally....  I gained 100 lbs in the first year I was away from home.  Why?  I didn't have time to exercise any more.  And I didn't eat as little as I had been.  I had trained my body to subsist on very little and then followed that up by studying and eating junk. Factor in an abusive husband  - I hoped he wouldn't touch me, but of course he did - and I didn't think I deserved anything better.  I thought I was getting what I deserved. I was fat, therefore I was a bad person.  When I got pregnant, I gained another 72 lbs.

I understand what ob is saying - it's kind of hard to be sympathetic to someone who is struggling to lose 1-3 lbs.   That seems so insignificant to someone who needs to lose 150.

But to those of you who are thin and wonder how someone lets herself "get like this" - maybe it's helpful to remember that until you've walked in those shoes, it's probably best not to judge. I applaud you for trying to understand.  We should all do the same.

The point is, we all get where we are by a unique life path. And you can't look at someone and know what they've been though.

I'm doing this to be healthy - to regain my freedom.  When I was thin, I lived in the prison of my beliefs about my body image - I wasted my freedom and didn't enjoy it as the gift it is.  Now being fat, I live in an actual prison of adipose tissue. I'm determine to win this battle, no matter what.

Hey dcgirl...:: shrugs :: I've been at 215ish since I graduated from HS, and I steadily went up while in it, from being average at age 10, (seriously, perfectly average, my height and weight for my age were both about 83rd percentiles, and I have mom's records to look back on, too,) and gained a size a year, corresponding with my age, just about...:: shrugs again ::

I was recently diagnosed with a slight level of PCOS, too, (it affects about 6 percent of all women,) and my mom and grandmother have had a history with it that we didn't know about...and endometriosus, (I /know/ I spelled that wrong!) runs around us too.  Anyway, that's the /medical/ stuff that lent a hand.

Emotionally, well...when I was five, my dad had a massive heart attack, and we started eating healthy...but then my parents divorced, we moved when I was ten to the south, (trust me, that's enough to make you overweight all by itself...and anybody who lives here with the biscuits and gravy, the fish camps, the hushpuppies, the different salads that all involve mayonnaise understands what I mean!)...I started gaining weight because I hit puberty and the PCOS kicked in, my brother wasn't the nicest, and made fun of me /before/ I was overweight, saying things like blubber butt, etc...

So, when I started gaining weight, I also started reading a lot, (that year, I went from a fifth grade reading level to a college reading level,) and didn't get as much exercise as I was supposed to...

And then you hit HS, and although I was raised in a household that was /extremely/ conscience about good and bad eating habits...well, there are lots and lots and lots of emotional reasons to gain weight.  I was always surrounded by people much healthier than I am/was, but that just makes it worse, because you /really/ don't want to exercise in front of them, and you eat by yourself, and let yourself eat out of boredom, because you aren't out enjoying the sun with anyone, 'cause they're gonna be sweating...

It all ends up in a viscious circle that's very hard to get out of!

rahana316 is right, everyone feels jealous of a person for some reason or another.  It is usually when that person has what the other person wishes they had.  Could be weight, looks, a car, boat, etc.  It is natural.

Obsidyan, first of all, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea so please show this post to your husband (and I know he will agree with it). Rahana316 is right, you are beautiful in your own way; but, more than that you are beautiful...period.

Obsidyan, I understand that you feel jealous. Have you ever thought of who might be jealous of you? I know you complained about your friends being unsupportive of what you're doing. Perhaps they are simply jealous. And besides, there are a LOT  of people who are a LOT  bigger than you who feel like they don't have the ability to lose 60+ pounds the way you did. I'm jealous of you!

hey ob, i agree with sparkles...i am jealous of your dedication and undying motivation.  i am jealous of your big heart and willingness to help and support anyone!  we are all jealous of each other for something...its human nature!

Yeh and I am jealous of all that exercising you do when I can't get off my butt.  No, really jetsica has a good point. I have a very good friend here at work and we normally go out to eat Chinese once a week.  Since I am trying hard to lose weight I haven't been going out as much.  Now she acts like she is mad or something.  People are strange? She is overweight too and I don't feel like I should share any of my weight loss successes with her because she might feel bad.