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Confidentiality -talking about ED with psychologist

Hi, I've been seeing a psychologist for my apparent anorexia for around 6 months now, used to be weekly, now fortnightly. But I have no memory of her telling me what I told her was confidential. I'm 14, and my mum said she told us on the first day that everything was between her and me, unless she felt it was harmful. Like, if I told her I was going to stop eating for 4 days, she'd obviously tell mum. I dont remember her saying anything though. I'm going to see her tomorrow morning, and I'm going to ask her, but I was just wondering if anyone knew what the 'guidelines' were for confidentiality.

My school counsellor said the whole 'confidential unless harmful' thing, and ended up telling my parents everything cause she thought I was threatening my life. I just don't want to tell my parents how I am feeling and what I'm thinking, I would be lectured soooooooooooo much more. And if the thing about only telling if it is harmful is true, then I obviously can't tell my psychologist everything either. I won't post what I can't tell her, cause this topic will be deleted.

I'm just really freaked out, cause she called my mum 2 days ago and said if I didn't open up to her she would make me see another psychologist, he's a male who I've seen a few times when she was sick, and he is really really tough. I don't wanna see him.

Please, if you have any experience with this confidentialilty thing, it would be very appreciated (:

Thanks

Are your parents psychopaths?  Have they spent the last 14 years deliberately putting you in harm's way?  Or have they spent the last 14 years nurturing you from a tiny baby to the young woman you are now.... looking after you when you're sick, cuddling you when you're upset, helping you with homework, teaching you about the world?  Your mother is worried sick.... how do you honestly expect her to react?

When it comes to minors, counsellors have a duty of care since your parents are ultimately responsible for your well-being.  If you were to 'confidentially' let slip that you were going to kill yourself they'd be duty bound to prevent you from doing that by any reasonable means. 

You will not recover whilst you remain isolated in secrecy.  You need help and support from all quarters and the more your parents know and understand about your condition, the better placed they are to say and do the right things.  Keep them at arm's length, keep them in the dark and they will over-react through sheer frustration and lack of information.

They do have a duty of care and can be held liable if they knew you were endangering you're wellbeing. Why even discuss that to her in the first place? Try to utilise your therapy sessions to work out strategies and plans for uncomfortable situations and emotions. Work on how you can create positive changes in your life rather than dwelling on what you want to do tto hurt yourself. Instead of saying "I'm not eating for the next four days." Try "I feel upset and scared because of ..... what can I do to overcome this? How can I prevent myself from restricting?"

Construction is better than destruction!

Thanks for your replies.

I know I have to work on the getting better part and overcoming my fears. But I'm too scared to. I feel like I'm stuck, I have 2 choices...

1. I can get better, which involves putting on weight, but ultimately being happier and healthier and having more freedom and trust in my life.

2. I can pretend I'm getting better, while lying behind my family/psychologist's backs, which can gain me a little freedom, not much, but will prevent me from putting on weight, and it gives me temporary happiness.

TBH, I know the first option is the better one, but right now I am liking the 2nd one.

The second option only prolongues the misery for everyone involved.  If you don't care about yourself, at least spare a thought for the people who love you.

Any 'temporary happiness' is the same sort as the alcoholic gets from having another bottle of scotch.  True freedom will come when you're fully weight-restored, mentally/physically stronger and able to take advantage of everything life has to offer rather than living in some narrow cage of self-imposed restrictions and selfish introspection.

CC can only support people in active recovery who want to get better and are making every effort to get better.    

Posting Guidelines

Calorie Count's mission is to promote healthy and sustainable weight management. Please help our moderators follow this vision and respect the following guidelines.

• Promotion of starvation diets or habits that exhibit signs of an eating disorder ("pro-ana", "pro-mia", etc.) is prohibited.

I was 40 when I started living my life as opposed to just pretending to go through the motions of life. 
Please don't wait that long to LIVE your LIFE.  Stop pretending and live, feel, do.  Yes it will sometimes be uncomfortable and painful, but you will get so much more joy out of it.
Come out of the secret world that you are clinging on to and learn how to be you.

If you are in the States- the therapist has a duty to maintain confidentiality for those who are 14 and over UNLESS the client has potential to harm themselves or others.

My suggestion is that if you are having thoughts of harming yourself that you do share- therapists are there to help you grow and help your family work with you through rough times....

Good luck and take care of yourself!!

EDIT

"I know I have to work on the getting better part and overcoming my fears. But I'm too scared to. I feel like I'm stuck, I have 2 choices...

1. I can get better, which involves putting on weight, but ultimately being happier and healthier and having more freedom and trust in my life.

2. I can pretend I'm getting better, while lying behind my family/psychologist's backs, which can gain me a little freedom, not much, but will prevent me from putting on weight, and it gives me temporary happiness.

TBH, I know the first option is the better one, but right now I am liking the 2nd one"

The therapist does not have to disclose these thoughts to you your parents- the therapist must maintain your confidentiality.... print those thoughts out and let your therapist read them at your next session so that you can hand it to the therapist and not chicken out on telling him/her thoughts. I guarantee you are not the first one to have those thoughts... allow the therapist to help you address your fears

"2. I can pretend I'm getting better, while lying behind my family/psychologist's backs, which can gain me a little freedom, not much, but will prevent me from putting on weight, and it gives me temporary happiness."

There's a lot of you in option 2. You are 14 and wanting to assert your separateness and independence from your parents but you are doing it in a child's way. Real freedom and happiness don't actually come at the expense of your own life. They can't force you to gain weight -- it's the ultimate control and declaration of independence -- but it's like a little kid in the middle of a tantrum shutting himself in the closet to upset his parents and then finding he's terrified of the dark. 

Explain to your psychologist that to open up you feel you risk being lectured to by your parents (which, by the way isn't really the end of the world!) -- that you feel anything to do with your refusal to eat is an intent to harm yourself and so the psychologist is legally bound to relay that to your parents.

It's your last chance to do it the easier way. As a minor, they can indeed take you down the hard way if you won't co-operate. Not just your parents, but all the professionals involved will not allow a 14 year old kid who has accidentally chosen a self-destructive path to becoming an adult manipulate her way to ultimate 'success' (which is of course starving to death).

Even by asking about confidentiality you are trying to find wiggle room to buy time and not have your plans unravel. However, I can tell you are very self-aware and smart -- while you are firmly on the side of Option 2 at the moment, you do know Option 1 exists. Use that most intelligent and mature part of yourself now. If you feel you can connect with your current psychologist, then focus on that and leave confidentiality issues behind. Give it a try. Good luck.

(((hugs to you scaredoflonely)))

It really does break my heart that you're struggling with this. I've never had an ED, but I went through something traumatic and much of the same secrecy you talked about is exactly what I did. I was ashamed of what was going on, but at the same time I didn't want it to stop. When I finally had enough of it, I was even more ashamed and embarrassed and felt I had to keep it a secret forever. I was literally terrified of people finding out. 

Luckily, my parents found out on their own. Their only concern was me getting better. They saved my life. Had they not found out and helped me, I would be caught in a terrible thing still today. 

I know how hard it is to talk with your parents about things you're ashamed of. Especially when you're not quite ready to stop the behavior. Of course the best option would be to talk to your parents, but I know it's not that easy. If you can't talk to your parents yet, talk to a trusted friend. Maybe even an aunt or a pastor/priest (if you're religious). Just someone you can lean on. I confided in a friend and I felt like a big weight had been taken off my chest. 

Please don't give up hope. It's easy to think you'll never get over this and lose hope. Hang in there, talk to someone (preferably your parents), and find something to smile about :) feel free to message me if you just need to talk!

Ok, thanks everyone for your replies

So I got back from seeing my psychologist a while ago.

She said that she did only have to tell my parents if I was going to harm myself. I still wasn't totally trusting so she made me a deal (and wrote it down in her notes) that she would keep everything between me and her, unless it was to do with suicide (cutting, OD, etc.) then she would have to tell my parents.

But I remember my school counsellor told me that EDs are like suicide, so I asked her and she said she wouldn't consider it suicide so I'm safe. Cause she doesn't want to ruin our trust by telling my parents, because then I won't have anyone to turn to.

Now that I know I can talk pretty freely, I really want to talk. But she had to cancel our next appointment, so I'm not going for a month. Ugh.

Just out of curiosity, and by no means do I mean for this to be 'Pro-Ana' or 'Pro-Mia' so if it is, please tell me so I can change it without being deleted,  would talking to her about the fact that I have been trying to purge without success and throwing my food out at school be an exception to our deal? Would she feel the need to tell my parents? I know I shouldn't do those things, but I do and I need to sort it out without my parents interfering. They make me more determined to do the wrong thing.

Thanks so much

Original Post by scaredoflonely:

Just out of curiosity, and by no means do I mean for this to be 'Pro-Ana' or 'Pro-Mia' so if it is, please tell me so I can change it without being deleted,  would talking to her about the fact that I have been trying to purge without success and throwing my food out at school be an exception to our deal? Would she feel the need to tell my parents? I know I shouldn't do those things, but I do and I need to sort it out without my parents interfering. They make me more determined to do the wrong thing.

 

Thanks so much

IMO, I don't think your psychologist would feel the need to tell your parents, as she specifically said wouldn't report any ED behaviors. I think it's very important for you to be completely open with your therapist, as she is the professional and can really really help you. The more you tell her the more she can help you. 

Oh, and be thankful you can't make yourself throw up! I admit I've tried it before too (because I drank too much alcohol and felt so sick though, not because I was worried about getting fat) with no success. I consider this a blessing because I think it's easy to use purging as a quick fix. It's very damaging and never healthy. 

Anyway, good luck - it sounds like you definitely made some progress today!

Original Post by scaredoflonely:

 I know I shouldn't do those things, but I do and I need to sort it out without my parents interfering. They make me more determined to do the wrong thing.

 Stop freezing out your parents just because they are acting as an uncomfortable conscience. In other words, you know what they're telling you to do is right... but you want to ignore it, do your own thing, trying to purge, throwing food away..... all things that say you're not recovering but merely prevaricating.   'Interfering' is necessary when someone is hostile to recovery and behaving irrationally

Leave your parents in the dark and they will be more frightened, more likely to need to be involved, more intrusive.   Enrol them as part of your recovery team with information and specific areas to help in and you're more likely to get out of your teens in one piece and not a physical wreck.

Your posts are classic of someone who is not in active recovery, not accepting that they have a problem ('apparent anorexia'?) and therefore I have to keep reminding you of the rules of engagement on the CC message boards.  The last thing we want is for this valuable resource to turn into a talking shop for people (especially children) swapping ideas on how to hoodwink parents, con therapists, throw food away and/or purge.

Posting Guidelines

Calorie Count's mission is to promote healthy and sustainable weight management. Please help our moderators follow this vision and respect the following guidelines.

• Promotion of starvation diets or habits that exhibit signs of an eating disorder ("pro-ana", "pro-mia", etc.) is prohibited.

Original Post by gi-jane:

 Your posts are classic of someone who is not in active recovery, not accepting that they have a problem ('apparent anorexia'?) and therefore I have to keep reminding you of the rules of engagement on the CC message boards.  The last thing we want is for this valuable resource to turn into a talking shop for people (especially children) swapping ideas on how to hoodwink parents, con therapists, throw food away and/or purge.

 Posting Guidelines

Calorie Count's mission is to promote healthy and sustainable weight management. Please help our moderators follow this vision and respect the following guidelines.

• Promotion of starvation diets or habits that exhibit signs of an eating disorder ("pro-ana", "pro-mia", etc.) is prohibited.

 I know I don't want to put ideas out there for others or get ideas about it, I'll try not to say more like that. Sorry.

And jcl76, thanks, I think I made some progress too (:

oh for God sake scared of lonely, you are doing nothing but pitting your psychologist against your parents. if you are trying to purge then you need to tell her. you also need to stop here because you clearly have no intentions of getting better.

you are in control of these behaviours, nobody but you sticks their fingers down their throat and nobody hides the food but you. you seem to want to keep your parents completely in the dark. its like you are punishing them. i dont know your parents or you or your relationship but they seeem like they are worried and they are doing their best to help and you are shoving it back in their face.

none of us know what she will consider harmful or suicidal behaviours but if you genuinely want to recover from this mess then you will grow up and take some responsibility and start working.

if you dont - go away

Original Post by fidget84:

oh for God sake scared of lonely, you are doing nothing but pitting your psychologist against your parents. if you are trying to purge then you need to tell her. you also need to stop here because you clearly have no intentions of getting better.

you are in control of these behaviours, nobody but you sticks their fingers down their throat and nobody hides the food but you. you seem to want to keep your parents completely in the dark. its like you are punishing them. i dont know your parents or you or your relationship but they seeem like they are worried and they are doing their best to help and you are shoving it back in their face.

none of us know what she will consider harmful or suicidal behaviours but if you genuinely want to recover from this mess then you will grow up and take some responsibility and start working.

if you dont - go away

 I do want to get better, but I'm scared and I'm confused and I have no idea what to do and I just want to cry but I won't.

I know no one on here knows what she will consider harmful or suicidal, I am asking for opinions about what you think she might think, that's all, not a definite answer.

if you are scared of her telling them why dont you tell them. either way you are not comitted to recovery and i think your posts are triggering and i think as another ed sufferer you should stop posting here

Original Post by scaredoflonely:

 I do want to get better, but I'm scared and I'm confused and I have no idea what to do and I just want to cry but I won't

We're not affected by waterworks, sorry.  What to do....   Accept that you have a problem and that you're going to take advice & embrace recovery rather than kicking against it or thinking you know best.  See your therapist and be open and honest.  Ask for a 'family meeting' so that your parents, you and your therapist can work on things together as a team.   If you need inpatient treatment, go for it.

If you think of an eating disorder like another illness... how about cancer?.... what would you be doing right now?   You'd be going to see every doctor there was in search of a cure... and your parents would be mortgaging everything they owned to get you the best.  You'd be grateful for your parents' involvement and you'd value their support.  If the specialist told you that doing X would cure the cancer, you'd do X.... in fact you'd go out of your way to obey the instructions.

Eating disorders are terrible, destructive things and almost impossible for a child to conquer solo.  Accept the help and stop digging your heels in. 

WHy won't you cry? Sometimes one needs to get out the emotions. It is not a failure and can help you heal and move on. My mom always says sometimes you just need a good cry to feel better. I remember as a teen being forced to go to therapy and just went through the motions and was stubborn. When I look back I see how if I would of done what others suggested I would of not wasted so many years. It is ok to have struggles and need support. If you lie or don't use the support you have it is just hurting yourself in the long run. The only way they can help you is to be honest. They should understand that there are struggles and ups and downs. This is very serious and I know you may not see that right now because the place you are in but trust me it is and you deserve a better life.

Guys, can you be a little less harsh? She is obviously very confused and scared. She's a child...only 14 years old. She needs support and encouragement. She has said she wants to get better but doesn't know how. She knows she needs to be healthy, but you can't expect her to be mentally recovered from anorexia overnight. I remember when I went through my trauma, I wanted it to stop but I didn't know how to stop it. And like scaredoflonely said, it gave me some kind of temporary happiness. However, the rational side of me knew it was an awful thing and I had to get out of it. I just was too entrenched and felt I had no one to help me. I didn't have the courage to tell my parents. 

Scaredoflonely, hang in there. Can you really not see your therapist for another month? Can you call her at least? That's a long time. I also think it would be good if you started seeing a nutritionist as well. And as I said earlier, as soon as my parents found out about my problem, things got much better. It was only after they found out that I was able to recover. I know you don't want to talk to them about this, but what have you got to lose? They won't kick you out. It sounds like they really just want to help you. 

Hugs to you :)

People forget that CC is not an 'eating disorders counselling site'....  although that's rapidly what it's becoming.  Moderators need to start locking up these threads a bit more quickly IMHO.   This is a website for people who subscribe to the idea of promoting healthy and sustainable weight management.  

Little kids who are killing themselves with eating disorders are very sad, of course they are.  But this one needs specialist help way and above what anyone here can provide and I think she should be discouraged from keeping on coming here....  harshly, if necessary.  It would be irresponsible to do otherwise.

GI-Jane and Fidget84 are right to call it as they see it.

OP -- you are being called out on playing the adults in your life. At 14, this is understandable behavior but it's self-destructive. Stop manipulating your psychologist and start unloading honestly and completely as fast as you can.

In fact go see the other psychologist that you don't like -- he sounds as if he likely sees right through your addiction.

Yes you are scared and confused but, as we say here, it's time to put on the big girl panties -- hard to do at 14 but you're in it now. Use all that energy you are currently using to make deals that help you to keep lying and hiding and turn it on the addiction. As long as you see adults as the enemies then you are your disease's bestest friend and it will literally eat you alive in the end.