SO confused. i don't know what i'm doing wrong.

i've been a long time reader on the boards, and posted a few times too. if anyone has read my posts, you know my story. for those of you that don't, here's everything in a nutshell:

went on a "diet" in may 2007, starting at 5'3" 123ish. by august 07, i was 113 lbs. i did it the unhealthy way, and didn't even really realize. i wasn't very aware of nutrition and whatnot, and i exercised a lot. i got mono in august 07, and dropped down to 100 lbs by november 2007. got diagnosed with gallbladder disease in december 07. had gallbladder removed in may 07, @ 108 lbs. all of this weightloss was due to what i believe was some sort of ED. i struggled for about a year with ED thoughts, and was very, very sickly looking. i still struggle with ED thoughts today.

now, i am 120 lbs. i don't know HOW this happened. i went on a cruise in september, and that helped me to regulate my eating and start eating normally again. i am happier; i look healthier -- but i don't fit into ANY of my pants. not even my pants from before all of this. i have always been a 00/0. i eat decent - it's not like i'm sitting here eating burgers and fries 24/7 - i NEVER eat those foods. i'm used to a relatively low-fat diet because of the gallbladder disease. i feel like all of this weight went directly to my stomach/thighs. i think my body is 'comfortable' at 120, which is why i shot up so quickly. i mean, just 2 months ago i was 110. i gained 10 lbs in 2 months? crazy. needless to say, i feel pretty crappy about myself. i don't fit nicely into any of my pants. i bought tons of 00 jeans/shorts, and none of them fit me anymore. i know it's not realistic to fit into a 00 my entire life, but i have ALWAYS been a 0, and i'm struggling to fit into those now.

i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i eat pretty healthy. i exercise regularly. i don't know what to do anymore. i cried about this last night .. i just really don't know what to do anymore.

i have a more updated picture of myself in my gallery (i'm on the left with the shorter hair). i definitely look so much better; but i just don't feel good about myself and the fact that my blub hangs over my pants now. i have been wearing sweatpants more and more :(

When you crash or starvation diet you lose a lot of muscle.  When you regain the weight you don't necessarily regain the muscle lost straight away unless you're doing a lot of strengthening exercises.  There could be some fluid retention changing your shape.  Plus, you're two years older than when all this started... can make a difference.

The good news is that you're a perfectly healthy & very slim weight now.  All you need to do is tone up.  Stick with your well-balanced diet with plenty of nutrition, drink plenty of fluids, avoid salt, keep the calorie intake at about 1900-2000 and keep exercising.

And finally...learn to love the new you.  We all change over time... We get older, we have children, things happen to us, our lifestyle changes.  You've just recovered from quite a few serious illnesses and you can't expect everything to snap back as if nothing has happened.  Buy bigger-size jeans rather than overhanging the old ones or wearing sweatpants ... you'll look 10 x better.

thanks, gi-jane. i'm definitely working on trying to love the new me. i can work with what i have, i just wish i didn't feel so flubbery. i consistently do cardio & weights, i dont know why im not seeing results :( it stinks.

at 5'3" and 120 you are healthy and look good! throw away your pants and buy new ones... and start telling yourself that you are beautiful :) good luck

i've gained 12 lbs since september .. i keep worrying that i'm going to keep gaining and gaining. i've never weighed more than 125 my whole life but i feel like not eating right for so long will cause me to 'gain back all i lost' (already did that.) & MORE. i hate this. i don't know what i am doing wrong.

I had a close friend who would wear jeans a size too small and muffintop all over the sides. They did not flatter her at all. Yet when she wore her trousers that fit her she was shapely, lovely and there was no pinch or squeeze that could literally make you wince if you looked at her. I should add, she is not at all large, but simply wore the wrong size. The point is, you should not adjust yourself to fit into clothing - clothing should be made to fit you. I second Jane: buy a new pair of jeans.

And to add to that, a number in your trousers doesn't make you as a person.

At your present weight you are at an ideal. Focus on building muscle and maintaining, not losing any weight because you do not need to. Furthermore those with a history of eating disorders, particularly restrictive ones, are very likely to go down a very slippery slope - a few pounds becomes ten becomes too much.

Love yourself for who you are, because from that photo, you are gorgeous.

And in regards to your weight gain - have you spoken do a doctor? Sudden unexplained weight gain can be a sign of an underlying problem. However, if you're still not eating enough for what you need this could ironically also be the cause. Have you worked out your burn and needs?

Original Post by lalabanana:

I had a close friend who would wear jeans a size too small and muffintop all over the sides. They did not flatter her at all. Yet when she wore her trousers that fit her she was shapely, lovely and there was no pinch or squeeze that could literally make you wince if you looked at her. I should add, she is not at all large, but simply wore the wrong size. The point is, you should not adjust yourself to fit into clothing - clothing should be made to fit you. I second Jane: buy a new pair of jeans.

And to add to that, a number in your trousers doesn't make you as a person.

At your present weight you are at an ideal. Focus on building muscle and maintaining, not losing any weight because you do not need to. Furthermore those with a history of eating disorders, particularly restrictive ones, are very likely to go down a very slippery slope - a few pounds becomes ten becomes too much.

Love yourself for who you are, because from that photo, you are gorgeous.

And in regards to your weight gain - have you spoken do a doctor? Sudden unexplained weight gain can be a sign of an underlying problem. However, if you're still not eating enough for what you need this could ironically also be the cause. Have you worked out your burn and needs?

thank you, i really appreciate it.

and no, i haven't spoken to my doctor about this. i just figured i'm gaining weight because i'm eating like a 'normal' person again. maybe 120 is my body's comfort zone, but what i'm afraid of is gaining even more! you always hear about those stories where people starve/crash diet & end up gaining back what they lost plus 20 pounds or something like that.

i am just so frustrated, i don't know what to do. for some reason, i dont trust the burn meters. not sure why. but anyway, here are my stats and perhaps you could try to figure them out for me:

5'3", 120 lbs, 21 yrs old .. i have a small frame which is probably why i feel like i don't look too great. my boyfriend tells me i look so much better than i did when i was 100, 105, etc .. and my friend's boyfriend has even made a comment to her about how i look so much better than i did over the summer. i do feel better - i can actually get out of bed in the morning, whereas when i wasn't eating enough .. it was a struggle to even do that.

i'm just so frustrated. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i do plan on buying new jeans, because i will probably never look how i did when i had the ed (hopefully wont!!) .. so i need to get over the whole pant size thing. i don't weigh myself obsessively, especially now when i don't like what i see on the scale. it's weird - i remember FREAKING when i had the ed when i stepped on the scale and saw 108. i FREAKED. it's ridiculous. i don't want the ed to take over my life again. i will never go back to starving myself - i'll just end up in the same place i am in right now - or even worse - dead. i had surgery in may 08 to have my gallbladder remove and when i was waking up from the anesthesia i had the nurses all on top of me because my blood pressure was so low and i wasn't breathing. there's no doubt in my mind that this had something to do with the fact that i was depleting my body of what it needed.

i'm going to try eating more protein rather than carbs, and see how that works out for me.

now, the only thing that stinks is that i have expensive taste in clothes & i'll have to definitely break the bank to buy some new stuff

It may be that 120's your setpoint, yes. But even then it can also be a sign of something else so raise it if you can.

A female of 5'3, 21 and 120lbs burns 1600 calories when totally sedentary. I don't know if you work out. If you're going to be building muscle stick to that 1600 - heck, I'd stick to it anyway.

Carbs should be higher than protein in your diet in ratio terms. You're looking for about 50-60% carbs, 10-15% protein and 20-30% fat.

i actually have terrible IBS which began after my surgery, so i go to the gastro doctor pretty regularly. i have to get a colonoscopy on march 2 along with some blood tests, which are going to be testing for celiac's and my thyroid functions as well. i'll see how those go, and raise the issue to him as well as my gp. thanks so much for all your help.

 

so, you think i should eat 1600? i have an internship 3x a week 8 hours a day where i sit at a desk, and i'm a full time junior in college. however, i do go to the gym 5x a week. even if i want to build muscle, i should eat 1600?

get over the fact that your not a 00 and you dont 'look' like you used to.  Im 5'2 and 184 lbs and I dont look it.  EVERYONE has a different body structure, but how you eat, your MENTAL HEALTH and your activity will affect that.  For instance, if your someone that only lazes around all youll have what I call the snow man shape.  However, if your someone that does total body workouts and eats properly for their body youll have an ideal figure.  However, starting at 123 to lose weight tells me that you have a body image disorder, and used an eating disorder as a way to gratify some unrealistic need.  Ive had that same problem, and actually went down to a size 8 before skyrocketting back up to almost a 14 in a few months.  If all yourweight is in your belly its probably because of stress.  If I had gotten that Ill from my eating disorder I'd be stressed to.  Your body will metabolize foods differently depending on what it needs and how your feeling.  Take it from someone that at one point wanted to end their life because of bullies picking on them over their weight that was compeltely out of their control, size isnt everything.  If your someone that reads a lot fashion magazines and watches tv, THROW THE **** OUT AND TURN OFF THE TV!!!! Its nothing but mindcontorling, brainwashing garbage.  You are what you are, it makes me sick that people are so obsessed with being thin and looking like something that isnt real. Do yourself a favour, start looking into bigger isuses in the world, like the fact that the power you consume to go to the gym, GO ON A CRUISE, drive a car, type on a computer, etc etc. is KILLING our planet.  Think about the fact that there are over a billion children living in poverty right now, who could only dream of eating your crash diet. 

Sadly, 20% of the world has the ability to live a flourishing, thriving life that will allow them to successfully pass on knowledge and culture to their offspring.  Your part of that 20%.  Start thanking God for that and get over the fact you can't fit into 00 jeans some poor child in a sweat shop made.  Start looking towards God every time you gain  a pound, because as you gain that weight your body needs to stay healthy theres a child dying of starvation so America can live its affluent luxurious life. 

Also know that if your trying so hard to lose weight when you dont need to lose weight (123 pounds - WAKE UP!!! You dont need to lose weight, you want to look like a magazine model that your not) Your compromising your immune system.  Think of your immune system as your body's army - if you dont eat healthy, which sometimes means maintaining a weight of a size 5 or so, your putting yourself at risk for disease.  Without proper nutrition and exercise (which doesnt always mean MORE exercise, sometiems means less) you will rewire your DNA, so your body will function differently and youll end up with diseases because it can't function normally anymore.

As to our bulgy issue, when you gain and lose weight rapidly through illness and an ED you will gain it back as fat first, often in your belly, back , and thights.  Your skin also increases its elastisity to allow for this, which is why fat ppl have stretch marks, because their skin has streched to far. 

From the way you describe your mental state, you sound like I used to.  What you need to do is forget everything you know about body image and what an ideal image is.  If your trying to attract a man, believe me, there are PLENTY of men.  Just be a real women and youll get one.  Get into adbusters and culture jamming, and youll see that every magazine, tv show, billboard, radio show, etc is nothign but commercial garbage.  Get over products, shopping, plastic, designer clothing, etc.  Its garbage.  Its to control you. Im a HUGE activist now and belive me, its that that saves you from your own insecurities.  No diet or exercise will help you anymore...just some good education.

Take my advice.  Adbusters.org, turn off the tv, buy nothing, etc etc.

Original Post by cx3_lalonde:

get over the fact that your not a 00 and you dont 'look' like you used to.  Im 5'2 and 184 lbs and I dont look it.  EVERYONE has a different body structure, but how you eat, your MENTAL HEALTH and your activity will affect that.  For instance, if your someone that only lazes around all youll have what I call the snow man shape.  However, if your someone that does total body workouts and eats properly for their body youll have an ideal figure.  However, starting at 123 to lose weight tells me that you have a body image disorder, and used an eating disorder as a way to gratify some unrealistic need.  Ive had that same problem, and actually went down to a size 8 before skyrocketting back up to almost a 14 in a few months.  If all yourweight is in your belly its probably because of stress.  If I had gotten that Ill from my eating disorder I'd be stressed to.  Your body will metabolize foods differently depending on what it needs and how your feeling.  Take it from someone that at one point wanted to end their life because of bullies picking on them over their weight that was compeltely out of their control, size isnt everything.  If your someone that reads a lot fashion magazines and watches tv, THROW THE **** OUT AND TURN OFF THE TV!!!! Its nothing but mindcontorling, brainwashing garbage.  You are what you are, it makes me sick that people are so obsessed with being thin and looking like something that isnt real. Do yourself a favour, start looking into bigger isuses in the world, like the fact that the power you consume to go to the gym, GO ON A CRUISE, drive a car, type on a computer, etc etc. is KILLING our planet.  Think about the fact that there are over a billion children living in poverty right now, who could only dream of eating your crash diet. 

Sadly, 20% of the world has the ability to live a flourishing, thriving life that will allow them to successfully pass on knowledge and culture to their offspring.  Your part of that 20%.  Start thanking God for that and get over the fact you can't fit into 00 jeans some poor child in a sweat shop made.  Start looking towards God every time you gain  a pound, because as you gain that weight your body needs to stay healthy theres a child dying of starvation so America can live its affluent luxurious life. 

Also know that if your trying so hard to lose weight when you dont need to lose weight (123 pounds - WAKE UP!!! You dont need to lose weight, you want to look like a magazine model that your not) Your compromising your immune system.  Think of your immune system as your body's army - if you dont eat healthy, which sometimes means maintaining a weight of a size 5 or so, your putting yourself at risk for disease.  Without proper nutrition and exercise (which doesnt always mean MORE exercise, sometiems means less) you will rewire your DNA, so your body will function differently and youll end up with diseases because it can't function normally anymore.

As to our bulgy issue, when you gain and lose weight rapidly through illness and an ED you will gain it back as fat first, often in your belly, back , and thights.  Your skin also increases its elastisity to allow for this, which is why fat ppl have stretch marks, because their skin has streched to far. 

From the way you describe your mental state, you sound like I used to.  What you need to do is forget everything you know about body image and what an ideal image is.  If your trying to attract a man, believe me, there are PLENTY of men.  Just be a real women and youll get one.  Get into adbusters and culture jamming, and youll see that every magazine, tv show, billboard, radio show, etc is nothign but commercial garbage.  Get over products, shopping, plastic, designer clothing, etc.  Its garbage.  Its to control you. Im a HUGE activist now and belive me, its that that saves you from your own insecurities.  No diet or exercise will help you anymore...just some good education.

Take my advice.  Adbusters.org, turn off the tv, buy nothing, etc etc.

cx3 - i understand you're only trying to help, but i really dont appreciate many of the comments you've made.

first - "get over the fact you're not a 00" - yeah, i'm working on that, thanks. i obviously know i'm not going to fit into a 00 anymore but it's TROUBLING to me when pants that i COMFORTABLY fit into 2 weeks ago - 0's - don't fit me this week.

i'm sorry you had a rough time in your life with getting picked on, but i've never had that problem. i never even really had a problem with my image until i decided to lose 5 lbs which turned into 20. i have several anxiety disorders and i am prone to depression, which are underlying factors for my disordered eating and a manifestation of my anxiety.

i don't sit around reading fashion crap nor watching those stupid shows on tv - while some people might like that stuff, i'm too busy for it. i'm concerned about ME - not comparing myself to people whose image is totally out of reach for me. believe it or not, i'm a realistic person.

and to be honest, yeah, there are bigger issues in the world - but i'm really not concerned with 'tackling' them right now. i enjoy going to the gym, GOING ON CRUISES, driving my new car, and going on the computer. what i'm concerned about right now is MY MENTAL WELL-BEING, finishing up my bachelor's degree within the year, graduating, and moving to go to graduate school.. not those other things - as selfish as that may sound. being healthy and in a healthy state of mind is my priority right now. i also feel terrible about starving children, but you know what? there's no need for you to be criticizing me for not eating or 'CRASH DIETING' as you stated, when it's actually a MENTAL DISORDER. so please, don't try guilting me into feeling BAD for having the issues that i do - that's not your place nor is it anyone else's. you can sit here and preach to me about God this God that, but again, that's not your place. you dont know my religious beliefs, etc .. and i honestly just am offended that's you're saying "get over the fact that you can't fit into 00 jeans some poor child in a sweat shop made". are ya serious? i just think your comments are rude, and you're making assumptions about me. i'm not trying SO HARD to lose weight, i'm CONFUSED AS TO WHY I'VE BEEN GAINING WEIGHT WHEN I'M EATING AND EXERCISING PROPERLY - so please read the thread before going off on your human rights and planet earth activist rants.

i appreciate your time to respond to the thread, but a lot of your comments i just found offensive.

OMG, you and I should be buds!! You are my story!!

Before my illness, I weighed around 137 pounds. Never cared, ate what I wanted, never felt fat...maybe chubby, not fat. Was fine with myself. Was certainly not eating healthy tho.

After surgery, I went from my 137 weight to as low as 104 (I'm 5.2). Everyone was yelling at me, including my doctors. Honestly, the 104 scared me, got up to 108. Maintained there for about a year.

Then the stress came. The stress of continued pain and to maintain that 108 weight. To maintain that 108 weight, I could NEVER treat myself. I had a eating/exercise plan that I had to stick with 100% of the time. It all got old and I started a binge-restrict-over exercise pattern. Over the last year, I gained 11 pounds. This was/is very depressing to me. I started being very non social, staying in the house too much and trying all sorts of crazy yo-yo diets. I feel fat! I have fat on my *ss, upper thighs and stomach. None of my cloths fit either. I am currently wearing jeans that I bought as I had lost weight. I know the binge eating put the weight on me. I've had binges so bad, I think I consumed 10,000-15,000-20,000 calories in a day. I'd hit  a 7-11 on my way home from work (buy junk food), then hit the next one, a WAWA (more junk food) then hit the next one, a Turkey Hill (more food). I'd sit in the Turkey Hill parking lot, finish what I was eating then through out all the trash there. Didn't want my hubby to see all that I ate!! Then, I'd be sick for three days. The day after, it would hurt to even touch my stomach. I am very active, otherwise, I would have gained much more then 11 pounds, over the last year. I do think that some of the binge eating comes from restricting my diet to my "plan" for a over a year. As I had gained weight, people would tell me "you look so much better". That added stress too...as I mentally took this as "you are getting fat".

I feel like I have made some progress lately. Getting a little more comfortable with my body. I am watching what I eat, trying to eat more healthy and a balanced diet. I crunch the "numbers" everyday to make sure I am in balance. Also, I am allowing myself a treat every day. It may be a mini ice cream bar, dark chocolate or maybe even a donut some day soon. Been craving one. I think if I allow some junk within my diet, I won't go nuts and consume 20,000 of it, in one day. Once a binge starts, I can't stop it. I've gotten so bad, my body will start to shake for more sugar and food. No lie, I feel like someone on crack!

Currently, I weigh 119. I won't lie and say that I don't hope to take a few pounds off. I may not be 108 again but I do hope to be a little slimmer. Most important to me tho, is kicking the binge habit. I do feel a lot of progress there.

If you need someone to talk to, message me.

 

Thanks for your response sherea! It stinks, doesn't it? But same for me - maintaining such a low weight wasn't healthy .. Like you, I stuck to the same strict "plan" every day! I'm ok with being 120, but I'm more pudgey than I feel comfortable with. I'm not looking to get back down to 100 lbs by any means, just feel comfortable with my body and be happy both physically and mentally!

I'm just scared that ill keep gaining. Like I said, I've never been over 125 in my life and I've gained so much so quickly that I'm scared!

O, and your comment on the sweat pants made me LOL, several times :) I had been doing that too, still do. For a long time, I didn't want to admit to myself I could not fit in those jeans anymore, that I had to go to a bigger size. Also, didn't want anyone to have a clear view on my weight-gained body.

In my case, I do know how I gained my wieght, the binge. I think about all the times in my car, late at night, with mega amounts of food!! Honestly, I feel damn lucky it has just been 11 pounds when I think of all the food I could consume in one nightly binge. Pretty amazing that a person can actually eat that much!!

As for advise on your weight gain?? Don't know. I wish you the best of luck. I am still trying to figure out how much food is enough or too much myself (the CC is telling 1700 calories, enough?). I'm very active so it is a balance (I'm a waitress so I can burn over 1000-1400 calories in a long, busy shift. Plus I ride and do farm work) . If I eat too little, as active as I am, I'll binge. Still a work in progress here.

Yes, the feelings stink!! It's terrible to be so unhappy with ones self. I have cried many, many tears too.

 

The pudge will redistribute itself over a period of time provided that you keep eating enough calories and stick to a weight lifting program.  It takes, time for your body to put everything back into it's place, you had a period where everything just gradually grew in the right place, but right now you've had to gain and that takes time to redistribute.

The jeans will have to go, perhaps you can sell them on ebay to recoup some of the costs of the new ones?

Also, eating your maintenance calories of 1600 plus another few hundred on the days that you work out will probably solve much of the binging issues.  A good rule of thumb is 80-90% healthy and the remainder as treats.

I hear you! Just keep your head up! :)

And smwhiiple, funny you mention selling the jeans on ebay -- I just put two pairs of shorts and a pair of jeans up the other day!

OKAY. so. i've been watching what i eat ALL week. thinking maybe i'd be okay on the scale. yesterday, i was sick with some sort of stomach virus thing, but now i'm doing better. my entire body pretty much was emptied out from both ends (graphic, i know) .. so this morning i got on the scale .. 121? you'd think i'd be a little lighter considering i had nothing in me. blah. this stinks. i don't know why my weight keeps going up, even if i'm watching what i eat and continuing to make healthy choices.