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Crossroads, what inspired you!

Hello, I'm Kat, a 22 year old fabulous doll from Australia with a history of Anorexia nervosa. I'm 5'8 and am currently up to 85lbs (thanks to my old friend the naso-gastric tube, haha), I was in hospital earlier this year and got all the way up to 98lbs but since comming home bad habits have crept back in.

I was wondering what inspired  you to recover? What was your turning point? Your moment of clarity and realisation? I have been in and out of hospitals but can never seem to make it stick. What keeps you going?

Looking forward to getting to know you all!

Love and rasberries, Kat xoxo

Hi Kat, I cant say there was one specific thing that made me suddenly decide to recover, its been more of a gradual process over time with lots of realistations.

I focused on things like always feeling tired,no interest in anything, clothes not fitting me anymore, people staring at me, not being able to away and travel, not being able to exercise like I would like to. Things like that have helped to spur me on. Now that Im in recovery and gaining, there are times that I really struggle so I try to focus on what I want to do with my life and where I want to go and usually I find that having an ed just doesnt fit into those things.  So really there wasnt ever one huge big turning point for me, its been more of a collection of little things.

I also found that discovering this site really helped me because I got to meet other people who have been a huge support but it also has helped to educate me more about just how much damage you are really doing by remaining underweight.

Nice to meet you, Im 22 as well, just remember you have such great opportunities for a life ahead of you, having anorexia is just holding you back from reaching those.

Wow, thanks for your reply. I can totally relate to that. I am becoming more  and more awear of that life outside of the ana bubble, the world I am missing out on! I'm trying to focus on what this is costing me (health, friends, career, travel, boys!!!) all the dramas it causes (stares, hospital, no clothes to fit, exhaused) and am finding it very much is an accumulation of all those wonderful little aspects that make up a life!

I have been a bit of a lurker for a while and seeing you all support one another, going through the same things, assuring and reassuring and then reinforcing the reassurance again! Haha, I mean, just seeing a real diet menu! They vary, they aren't exact, we all eat! It's normal. I need to see this. And you are all such a big inspiration.

I had a fight with ana tonight over dinner. I was going to have some cherry tomatos, but argued that it wasn't enough! This isn't a meal! I looked up your "what did you eat today" thread and showed ana who's boss. See! They all eat! Why can't I?! Ha! That shut her up!

Thanks again you little angels!

Well, I wrote a great deal about this on my blog (link in the profile)

But being here helped me a lot. I had started recovery on my own with my mom's help during the summer. I relied a lot on shakes and such to get my calories in, and was getting 2400ish a day. Then my mom went to work and I slipped back horribly. I felt so alone, and finding this forum really, truly did help me pull myself out of a place where I knew I was going to die.

My inspiration to recover occured at 2 seperate points in time. In June of 2008, I was down to a weight lower than I had ever been before and was at a place where I never on my life thought I'd be. I never imagined m weight would ever dip below XX, and it did by a few pounds. I got on the scale two, three times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Looked in the mirror and saw myself for real, for the first time. And I knew I was going to die very soon if I didnt start trying to fix it right then and there. Of course, after the slippage caused by mom going back to work, it took me a LONG time to really put my ass back into gear. I maintained a BMi of like 11-12 from June through the end of November before I really pushed myself full force. I had been eating around 2K, and was up to 2800 by Christmas. Then I had a few weeks in February where I wasn't doing so well. A boy kind of broke my heart, and I slipped yknow? but I had been nourishing myself long enough to at least have some semblance of rational thoughts at times. And I realized one morning that I couldn't let the world break me down anymore, and that I couldn't keep playing games. The games were what kept me sick, and the idea of letting someone else's actions control how I took care of myself infuriated me. On that day - I pushed myself back up where my calories needed to be for gaining (2800) and within the ten days that followed, I was eating 3600-4000 a day. All because I came to the conclusion that I could not play around anymore - I'd been sick with AN for too long and if I was going to recover on my own, I was going to do it right.

I'm the same height as you BTW. Its taken me some time, and a great deal of eating. But I'm almost there.  It is always possible to recover, even after 5 or 10 years.

for me 14 years was enough and i came to conclusion if i didnt do something i would die . my body wont take it anymore when i first was ill i could stay at a lower weight even lower than i am now id get no symtoms of ill health. now my bloods go off very quickly my last relapse i ended up in a and e due to my liver levels went through the roof my body started to eat my organs . i was also diagnosed with osteophrosis recently this has been very hard to cope with i broke my ribs and hip and to be quite honest i think id end up wheel chair bound if i continued . i lost my grandad who i adored in march and the last think he said to me was helen when are you going to get your self right , this has never left me . i had several admissons to hospital but these just seemed to make my anorexia stronger the breaking point was in march i lost 6 teeth due undereating and was diognosed with a hiatus hernia and i need an operation but i need to be a bmi of at least 18 to have this . i finally started to realise starving was making me happy , other people ate so why shouldnt i . I found the will to live and felt there was so much i wanted to do . a big factor for me is i want kids. i realised its no life living with anorexia its just an existance that grinds you down. sorry if that all sounds a bit negative the good thing is its not all lost if i can get to a healthy weight theres a good chance my bones will repair and ill be able to live a normal life. and you know what i want it . ive waited to long and im determined to do this now h x

My turning point? Turning 21 with no party, no friends, nothing to wear, scared of birhtday cake. This all represented the last 5 years of my life, the life that I lost and would continue ot loose and not have if I didnt get better: Losing all my friends, losing contact with memebers of my family, missing out on going to performing arts college, not having a bf, wanting but beign unable to have kids, the thought of where i would be 5 years from now, fighting with my parents constantly, the stares, the comments, the constant thoughts about food, the confusion about what to eat, the want to be at a healthy weight and look better, and have a normal life (whatever that is!), the fear of food, the jealousy of healthy people.

Being an adult, growing up, taking repsonsibiltiy, seeing the bigger picture, wanting a future for myself, wanting to feel like Fiona again.

Then, i started to eat and love myself.

I was cold and sad, avoiding my friends, and then I found this forum. I spent a lot of time kinda-sorta wanting to recover, but not actually doing it. And then my hair started falling out. A LOT.

Vanity? Maybe. But it was the push I needed.

I upped my eating to 2000, then to 2500-3000+. Gained to a BMI 20.

Do it. Don't waste as much time as I did!

Well - first of all, I agree wtih everything already stated by the other posters =) but for me personally:

1. i want my LIFE back! or I want to live a better life one that's actually WORTH living

2. life is SO short i mean look how fast one year goes by, it's crazy! I want to do lots of things - learn new subjects, travel, marry - I'd make such a boring spouse if I never wanted to go out for dinners or picnics or ice cream cones!

3. Enough is enough! I've put my parents through way too much stress and they are angels for having dealt with my crap all these years!

those are my main reasons, there are so many others of course. =)

my daughters. I don't want to be cold and miserable, lose my temper easily, be tempted to spank, be tempted to be awful, and MISS OUT on the precious moments of their childhood because I'm freaing starving.

my husband, because he loves me. he loves me with badonkadonk. he loves me always. I want to live. I want to live with him.

Because honest to goodness I miss getting my period...

Thank you all so much, I can gain so much more life with every pound. this has been a very inspiering  thread for me to read. you are all lovely beautiful people who deserve health and happiness.

you inspired me to eat a buttered grainy warm bread roll from my local bakery today. fresh out the oven. it was bliss. i deserve it! i deserve life and nourishment.

god bless!