How do I get out of this cycle!?

Hello everyone:)

Ok.  I have been dealing with anorexia for three years and right now Im 73 lbs.  Rationally I know I need to gain weight, but then there are times that I think I look ok.  But I do want to gain weight, but somehow I think Im different and I could never eat 2000+ calories and am convinced I wil gain on 1400, which is actually a bit more than Ive been eating. 

I guess the biggest problem with me is the GUILT.  I think I dont deserve food, and shouldnt ever eat unless Im hungry.  See, I associate eating when Im not hungry with gaining weight...but thats not right is it??  Then I also feel guilty for putting my familly through this.

I really want to get better so so bad, I just feel like my mind is so messed up...But I want to live and experience life and forget about my ed.

Im not sure what Im asking, I guess maybe I just want reassurance or any advice from those who have had success with recovery.  I was seeing a councelor and though I hate it, will probably continue with that.  Also does anyone have ideas for dealing with the guilt.  Or maybe even ways to add calories in an easier way.  I have been eating trail mix which I love but only let myself have a little.  Im also trying to get more calories from drinks like milk or smoothies. 

If this makes sense to anyone at all or if anyone has ANY advice at all I would greatly appreciate it:) 

I just want to escape this ED once and for all.

As humans, we've been gifted with very intelligent, analytical minds. But, we tend to overthink things and completely miss the solution to things that are sitting right under our noses.

You know what you have to do to get better: eat and raise your self esteem. Make a list of all the things you want and read them over. Cross out all of the things that are impossible or contradictory to another thing on your list (like if you put on your list 'I want to eat normally' and then put 'I want to still weigh 73 lbs' then obviously one of them has to be crossed off). Concentrating on the good goals and ignoring the bad, ED-inspired ones will help you focus more.

If guilt is an issue with you, always eat your meals with someone who eats regularly. That way, if you feel a pang of guilt while eating, just look at the person you're with. Not only do they eat normal amounts, but they don't think about it much. Ask yourself, do you deserve less than them?

You need professional treatment. You are severly underweight and I used to be like that. It comes with a lot of health issues and you need to be monitored by a doc. I have eaten over 4000 in my recovery and now still eat 3500 a day. I went through the guilt and fear and still have those days but you have to push through. It has been the hardest thing I have done and it took 12 years of in and out of hospitals but I did it and you can too. You need guidence and to work on the issues to get past this. The first step is to feed your body so your mind can think. I really think you need to go to a gp cause at a low body weight you have a risk of refeeding issues which I had. Also a nutritionist can set you on a plan. Have you thought of more intense treatment?

Thanks for the advice. And yes, I have been to nutritionists and do have a doctor I see every other week or so.  The first time I went to a nutritionist last year, she told me I couldnt eat over 800 without gaining weight(she mulp. my weight by 10)  And I have seen 3 different doctors, but we dont have the greatest doctors around here and no one seemed in a hurry to up my calories.  Anyway, Ive decided if I really want to get better I have to do it myself.  I dont want to suffer for years and years...I want to live.  I am determined now more than ever and am going to really up my calories everyday until I get where I need to be.  Im not going to concentrate so much on nutrients/health and more on calories. 

I also like the idea about writing down my goals because I know I have so many things that I want to do in life. I know Ive said it all before, but I feel like this time I really mean it.  I dont want to live like this.  Ive also decided to not weigh myself...is this a good or bad idea?  Anway, thanks for the reassurance, it helped.

And I have heard about refeeding syndrome so does anyone know how fast I should increase calories?  Or maybe some simple, but healthy ways to increase calories besides nuts/trailmix?

yes, drink ensure.
i like the vanilla and chocolate.
freeze them for about 7-8 hours so they are the consistancy of a milkshake, maybe a lil thicker.
they taste amazing and are great for you.
i started drinking 2 a day, now im down to one a day. they give u energy, and make u feel great. and basically all the calories are coming from vitamins.

Wow, do I understand where you are right now. I want to tell you that complete recovery is possible. It's been over 7 years for me, and I am still at a healthy weight. Your idea about not weighing yourself is right on target. But don't just resolve to avoid your scale - throw the darn thing away! Allow your doctor to weigh you weekly and step on his/her scale backwards, so you can't see the weight. You need to separate yourself from the power of that number. I'm a little upset that your doctors are not pushing inpatient treatment more agressively. As someone who has been where you are, I emplore you to seek residential treatment. This is to big and too dangerous a problem for you to tackle on your own. I'm not talking about a regular hospital, either. You need to be some place where they know how to guide you to the root of the problem, otherwise you'll just fall back on the old restricting behaviors once you are discharged and faced with the stresses and triggers of normal life again. Contact Remuda Ranch www.remudaranch.com.  Their outcome studdies and my own experience there tell me that they are the best. Another option might be Center for Change, which I've heard good things about, or Mercy Minnistries, which is completelt free and a decent program, from what I've heard. Don't wait - just call and start a diologue with one of the intake counselors. Just calling is not a commitment or anything, but they'll help you figure out what you need. Good luck.

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