d

hey i replied to you in the weight eatters thing i think, i saw ur post in the ED club too!

hey...I think I am in a similar position as well. I'm 5'0 and like 92 pounds. I used to be about 100 pounds. One summer I got a job at a snack shop and I started to eat more. I gained like 5 pounds. My heaviest was about 107. Then I started to eat healthier which caused me to lose weight. I didn't even realize that I was losing weight.  My lowest was 93 and that's when my mom took me to the doctor. I eventually gained and got up to 98 pounds. It's been a year since then and I'm back down to 92. Its different this time because I'm really trying to gain the weight. I need to get to a healthier weight because I will be starting college in the fall. I just always obsess on how many calories I need and stuff. Its just hard because sometimes I feel like I'm at an ok weight because I'm short but then I look at the scale.

This is the EXACT problem I have!! I'm 5"7/8 and weigh 107-110.  My highest weight was 123 and thats when I started 'eating healthy' which actually wasn't at all! Now I'm trying to put on weight..mainly muscle hopefully..but I realised I'm actually trying not to at the same time.  I do the same as you - one day I'll eat more (2500) then the next day even if I eat well (by well I mean quite a lot ) throughout the day, I seem to find a way to make my dinner really low in calories so that I end up with around 1800 for the day. I'm very active..sports training everyday, weights, running, working etc and even when I had about a week of eating 2500 everyday I still didn't put on anything so I don't know why I'm scared of eating that much now.  I weigh myself everyday and even though I tell myself I want to gain weight I've found that I'm quite pleased when I haven't..I know this is bad though.

I'm not sure what we can do to stop ourselves from doing this .. someone said something in another thread about how eating out more often might help because you won't know for sure how many calories are in what you eat.  I also tried to not count anything and just ate when I was actually hungry but ended up adding it all in my head at the end of the day and was much less than I should have been getting.  Maybe another thing to try for you would be not to eat so much on the days when you realise you need to gain weight so that you don't feel the need to drop the next days calories so much eg. maybe try to eat 2800 -3000 EVERY day.. instead of up to 6000.  

Anyway, sorry I don't have a proper solution for you..but I hope it helps knowing that others are in a similar position as you =]

Thank you all so much for your posts, it means so much. Posting for the first time was really scary as it was like making the problem "official" you know, I go through denial every few days. The thing is yes I am thin, but I don't look THAT thin you know? so its hard to accept that I should gain weight. also I went to my doctor (i havent been diagnosed by anyone but with my bf who  is goin to be a doctor next year we have basically decided the prob is there) and my bloodwork is all good, he didnt say anything about my obvious weight loss and so i just think "well i must be fine then" but everyone around me has noticed and is telling me i look terrible...anyway, had over 1300 calories for breakfast this morning...trying to feel happy about it but its just such a tug of war in my head.

username21: I tried just eating when hungry and not counting too and I like you just naturally underate. I am also trying to just eat a steady 2500 daily but it just seems like so much, it seems like all I do is eat while everyone around me is active doing sports but I just feel soooo tired. I used to run at least 5 miles daily and do heaps of walking and stuff and now I am just doing NOTHING except a bit of stretching the last month while trying to gain, which makes me soo miserable! I think doing exercise will make me feel better about it all but its screwed up that I feel I need to exercise because im eating more.

ALSO, totally understand the whole 'yes i want to gain weight' but then when u weigh urself and u havent really being happy inside. its terrible and so confusing.

all the numbers are way different when it comes to athletes.  there are underweight inactive ppl who live on 600 calories a day, there are underweight active ppl who live on 2500 calories a day.  i have always been extremely active and was very underweight.  so i started eating more and, up to 2300 calories, i was still very very thin.  it's bec i was burning it all off.  doctors didn't even believe me when i told them what i was eating, bec it wasn't the teeny amounts they'd read about in "anorexic" textbooks, i guess.

so what i'm saying is, it's very possible that what you'll need to do is transform your exercise regimen.  do yoga or meditation or horseback riding or golfing or gardening or horsing around w/baby cousins.  then replace the time you used to spend doing sports and obsessing about calories volunteering somewhere (library, animal clinic, women's center, ymca, etc). 

if you decrease the insane number of calories you're burning, you'll be better able to gain weight (bec you won't need to scare yourself w/truckloads of food every day).  personally, i wasn't able to be disciplined and ended up bingeing my way up the scale.  would have been smarter to cut back on the exercise.

HEY caloriecountingme! Yeh u are right about the exercise and cals thing - i think it was what kept me in denial for so long...i thought "but im eating so much all the time"! I have changed my exercise regimen tons, for the last month i didnt run at all except a few times and very short runs, and have only being doing like stretching and yoga type stuff and only a few times a week when i feel like it. it does feel really weird tho eating so much stuff and doing nothing!!!

anyway in a few weeks im goin to be way busy anyway because im going on a year long university exchange to mexico on the 3rd of august - stopping off to visit ecuador on the way for 2 wks. so everything will change then. Im totally freaked though that im going to put on heaps of weight on exchange so its not helping my gaining mindset at the mo.

oh vesnar, your trip sounds super exciting.  i'm happy to hear that your fears about change and food haven't prevented you from going on such a dreamy trip.  i'm 1000% sure that you'll find that w/all the walking and site seeing and laughing you do, weight will not be an issue.  i'm truly, honestly more concerned that you'll LOSE weight (ppl away from their routines w/ED's often undereat).  so please do nourish yourself so that you can be healthy and have the time of your life.

i'm also really happy to learn of this yoga and do-nothing-ness.  it's absolutely essential that us jumping beans force ourselves to sit quietly and BE.  thanks for the update.

yeah caloriecountingme u are right, i should be more worried about losing weight...even the last few days, even though i am at home with my family until i go overseas (i usually eat tons at home - so much food!!!) i have just been so busy organizing VISAs and stuff that I dont think Ive had over 1500 the last two days...at least there hasnt been any exercise.

on a side note, its really odd, sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and will think "wow u look somewhat tubby, no more gain" then quite literally two minutes later i will look at myself and think "u look disgustingly skinny"...does anybody else get these crazy extremes in thought processes???

OH WOW i can relate to the thoughts... one minute i sit down to eat(weight gain in mind) then half way thru i get SO MAD at nothing except the fact im eatting and it drives me nuts.... then im like ew im so gross and bony then 2 seconds later OMG my stomach is ginormous!

my emotions and thoughts are ALLLLL oover the place!

ditto what malibu said, im all over the place w/ my thoughts on gaining

vesnar, malibu2008, agruskin:  i don't know if there will ever be a phase where you don't see "fat" when you see your reflection.  recovery is different for everyone.  but you need to stay out of your own head while you're recovering.  remember that you have a disorder and can't think clearly, so these contradicting thoughts are not at all surprising/weird. 

the important thing is to focus on the facts and information about health.  your bones need hormones and fat.  your metabolism needs food.  your body needs muscle to be strong.  your body clock needs to feel like it can sleep and relax and not always be on the lookout for food.  and this is aside from the social and psychological recovery, involving letting go of the plethora of food rules and group-eating-discomfort.  it doesn't matter how fat you think you look.  you need to recover, period.  one of my advisors used to say, "shut up and eat," and that's somewhat true.  best of luck.

CALORIECOUNTING- i love that, shut up and eat, thats what i tell myself but unfortunately sometiems feel like a pig just forcing the food down.  ive found that i need to preplan my meals eating-not neccesaraly spontaneous and healthy, but that that way i know ahead of time that i will be meeting my cal goal and dont have the chance to mess around with the plan.  i deff need to let go of the ideas relating to food rules and need to elarn to listen to my body, bc rightn ow it doesnt talk to me or i just cant hear it.

Thanks for the tips guys! I have been using the "shutup and eat" mantra the past few days but last night i just got really upset because i pretty much ate 3000 calories of junk food, just because I felt like it..... I dont know,  messy head space - I am definitely better at this gaining business when I eat clean, it doesnt screw with my head as much....I am not doing any exercise at all at the moment which in itself is really hard, its raining constantly and i just want to go for a walk and be outside! im starting to feel like i live in a cave of junk food!

oh gosh I do this constantly! One minute I'm all set to gain and eat tons of food and the next I think I'm not that thin anymore I can stop worry about it. Or I also sit down to eat and halfway through I'm like ok that's too much, stop!!!

It helps me to eat clean too because I feel like it's ok for me to eat as long as everything I eat is serving a purpose and making me healthier. This was really hard for me to do in France since I had to eat with my family and there really arent many options, tons of bread and pasta, and I ate gelato everyday so it was hard to justify. I can eat 4000 calories of healthy food in a day and be ok, but on not so healthy or "normal" food I freak out near 2000.

vesnar, I think going to mexico will be really good for you! I know it will probably be really stressful at first and moreso before hand, but once you're there, there will be so much going on and youll be having fun and not thinking about it. I'm jealous! I studied abroad in spain for 5 months and it was the best think I;ve ever done. Let me know if you come through texas at any point!