What do you think of dad adopting the baby at birth?

I am single and pregnant, and the father of the baby and I live in different states, we are only friends, no relationship.  I don't want this baby...he does.  Do you think it is okay for the dad to take the baby as soon at it is born?  Would that be healthy for the baby? 

Well, everyone's different, but IMO it would be good to have some bonding time with the baby, if for no other reason that the brief experience might make you rethink, or even confirm, what you really want.  If you totally cut yourself off immediately, there is the possibility of regret later - you'll never get those first moments back.  You have to think of your health here, too.

In addition, it would just be physically healthier for the baby to at least get some colostrum and some amount of breast milk before going completely to formula - there are a lot of nutrients in breastmilk that can't be duplicated.  That being said, there are a lot of infants that can't be breastfed for any number of reasons, and they turn out perfectly healthy.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think it would be a good idea for the father to take the baby if you don't want it.  The only problem is that it wont have a mother type figure in its life.  When babies are first born it isn't accustomed to the roughness of a male( like feeling).  Since it is used to that warm comforting feeling of its mother, it may have some trouble adjusting.  I mean its gonna be in you for 9 months! And change is hard for everyone even newborn babies.

If the dad wants the baby, and you feel comfortable about him being a good parent, than having him adopt and be primary parent sounds like an excellent idea. Much better to have a primary parent who wants to raise a child.

Have you talked with him about what sort of visitation and connection you would have?

If you don't want the baby and he does, then I think yes it is a good idea.

Cesty,

As other have said here, yes it is ok.  BUT, I think you really need to think about whether this really the decision you want to make.  I went through my entire 9 months of pregnancy without ever really getting that "warm, fuzzy motherly" feeling.  I am not single like you, but my hubby and I were living in different countries through most of the pregnancy, my entire family and all my friends were in the states too, and I really had no support.  I experienced extreme depression especially during the first trimester, followed by a sort of numbness with regards to the pregnancy, BUT when my daughter was born that ALL changed.  It is totally normal to be scared, unsure, and any other feeling you may be feeling while pregnant.   And to top it all off, because of the pregnancy, your hormones are going crazy making everything emotion you feel even that much stronger.  I think you need to give yourself time before you make such an important decision like this, and you should definitely wait until after the baby is born to see how you feel.  I would also talk to your Dr. or a counselor regarding this, because this is a very important decision.  I have read some of your other posts regarding this pregnancy, and have noted that it is quite possible that once the baby is born, you may feel quite different about raising the baby.  First, you DID decide to keep the baby and proceed with the pregnancy (whatever your reasons, it does speak volumes).  Second, your comment here about whether or not it would be healthy for the baby, means that you are experiencing some maternal instinct already (i.e. protect the child to the best of your ability).  For me, the whole experience didn't seem real until I brought my daughter home from the hospital. 

I am not trying to tell you which decision you should make, it is ultimately up to you and only you know yourself best, BUT, I do think you should at least see how you feel about things after the baby is born before you make this decision.  It is not easy having a child, and being a single parent will be a difficult thing for whichever one of you ends up being the primary parent, but I have found motherhood one of the most rewarding things I have done so far (And I have done quite a bit in my 30 years of life), and no matter how trying she can be, I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world! 

I think the most important thing to do whats ultimately best for the child, and that could mean going to live with his/her father, or it could mean staying with you

Feel free to PM if you want to chat more about this. 

Thinking about it more I realize that having Chad whisk the child away as soon as it is born may not be the best idea, though I am still considering adoption and this would be the case with that (He refuses to sign the papers for adoption so that option is pretty much closed).  But I am thinking that it would be better for the child if it went to go live with  him.  There are many reason's, the biggest being that he has a strong family support system around him, and lots of very close friends who are there for support, I don't have any of that down here where I live.  I do get 8 weeks off from my job once the child is born.  So I was thinking that perhaps the best thing to do is to go up and spend that 8 weeks with him, him and I would take care of the child together.  But when I have to come back down here to Houston to work I would leave the child with him.  I, in the meantime, would try my darndest to find a job up there so that I can be closer to the child.  But I feel that it is better for the child to be around family, even if it isn't around me.  In this case too, the child would get about a month of breastfeeding time.  But then again, who knows how I will feel once the child is born.

As the father, why would he need to 'adopt' his child? Or do you mean absolve you of all responsibility?

It is probable that you will be responsible for some sort of child support, I should think.

Oh, I didn't really mean "adopt" I guess.  What I really meant was that he would be the primary care giver.  As far as me paying child support, I have no problems with that, I want to do anything I can to help.  It is just that he is in a better situation to take care of a child than I am. 

I think it's great the father wants to be the care giver. I say if you are going to give him up for adoption, to do it legally. It could get really complicated in the future when signatures are needed.

I don't see a problem with handing the baby over right at birth. Just make sure he's in a situation to take care of a baby. He is going to need someone to baby sit if he works, and to have a healthy living environment, etc. But who knows, at birth you may even change your mind. That's a tough decision and i'm glad you're making a selfless one.

When babies are first born it isn't accustomed to the roughness of a male( like feeling). 

I just have to call this out and say: this is so, so terribly wrong thinking!!!!! It is patently UNTRUE. Men can make just as good fathers and infants can bond quite fine with them.... as long as we step away and LET them do so.

Cesty- if you don't want to raise the child, the bio-father gets first dibs. If he is willing, then there you go. Legally, I don't think you can put the child up for adoption if the bio-dad isn't willing.

i work for families in adoption-- no a mom can't give her baby up for adoption if the father doesn't want her too--he has just as much right---and legally if you are both happy with the situation you don't have to go to court or anything---but to make clearer guidelines about who can see the kid & when --maybe court would be a good thing in the future--but for now if your both open about the situation and you coming or going as you can without any legal requirements then I say go for it.

I would say you might want to spend some time with the baby when it's first born just so you won't regret it later in life. I was raised by father and I think he did a great job being both mother and father. So I don't see any concern being raised by a father over a mother. I think if the baby is going to be raised in a loving house, that's all that matters. Just as long as your comfortable with what happens.

Main care giver "MOM" does not have to be a woman. typically in our society it is. But my dear. "Dad/Mom" is whomever is willing and desires to be with the little munch kin.

I will keep you in my thoughts as you are making a hard decision. Just remember to do what is best for the little mite. ;) Be a strong Mom.

 

 

Not many people know this about me, but I gave a baby up for adoption when I was in college and it was the very best thing I ever did...for me and Theresa. I took the extra time after birth to get to know her and to determine if I wanted another baby. Although she was an absolutely wonderful infant, I knew a second child was not in the cards for me and she deserved to be with a family who truly wanted her. It was one of the most difficult things I ever did, but I know she is well taken care of. Theresa's mother sends me pictures every so often and has kept me up to date on her and I have made sure they know how to reach me and have let them know how I'm doing. I didn't ask her to, she thought one day if either of us (me or Theresa) wanted to get to know the other, these letters and pictures would help get us there. As far as Theresa is concerned, the woman who raised her is her mother and I am the person who put them together... 

I just wanted you to know that its not always a bad thing not to raise a child, its not in the cards for all of us. Make a decision you can be comfortable with - LONG TERM.  I'll pray for your and your family and I wish you well.

It would be fine for the baby (assuming he's a decent guy and has concrete plans for who would provide the day-to-day childcare), and could be fine for you too, but my advice is: don't make any final promises until after the birth. SO many women feel differently once the baby's born - you might not be one of them, but you don't need the extra pressure of a pre-signed contract or whatever.

Good luck sweetie.