Dating when you're overweight

Hi - I was just wondering whether anyone else feels a little self-conscious about trying to jump into the dating pool while being quite a bit overweight.

I held back for a long time because I was afraid of rejection based on my size. And I think there were some occasions where, when I did get brave enough to try online dating, the guy was disappointed when he met me in person and saw how big I really was.

However, I'm giving online dating another try, and I'm actually finding some guys who seem unfazed by my being overweight, and who have actually told me how good I look. I guess some guys actually prefer a woman who is a little overweight. And I look better now than I did in the past, having shed forty pounds (though I still have a long way to go if I want to get down near my ideal weight).

So... I guess the moral of the story is not to be too afraid of guys' reaction. If they react negatively, then they're not your type anyway. There are also some "Big, beautiful women" dating sites where it is actually a PLUS to be overweight. So you do have options...

My weight problem hasn't stopped me =).

I started dating my ex (3 year relationship, so it counts) when I weighed 265, my absolute peak.  I figure, if she can accept me at my worst then it can only get better from there =).

40 lbs later, I don't shy away from women at all.  If she doesn't like the way I look and can't get past it to see my personality, then she was obviously not the kind of girl I was looking for in the first place.  I put a lot of stock into intelligence and personality because for every 10 girls that are "hot" (not by my standards to be certain, as I hate stick thin girls), there is only 1 with a half-decent personality that I can hold a conversation with.  College is no different... mostly just a bunch over overly thin, dyed-blonde girls who have nothing better to talk about than "The Hills."  To put it into perspective, there are 70 girls in my Developmental Psychology course:  I found that only 7-10 had an actual personality and they were all at the top range of the BMI chart or slightly over.

I could probably find some supporting evidence in my Psych journals that discusses personality traits and intelligence and how they correlate with body size / weight if you guys need even more convincing, but I'm sure you all already know that the really thin people (guys and girls) tend to be superficial and lack refined/defined personalities.

To steal your phrase, "I guess the moral of the story is not to be too afraid of [the opposite sex's] reaction."  Be happy with who you are and don't be shy!

I find that if you are happy with you...than that confidence will shine through and others will be happy with you too!  I'm really really into the personality, and finding someone who can make me laugh...and I actually like a guy with a lil "beer belly"...I know that being overweight makes it harder to put yourself out there...I've gone through it...and I'm not even a shy person, not in the list bit..but where I went to school...the girls are ridiculous!  I mean skinny, blonde, beautiful...we ranked like number 3 or something for Playboy's hottest campus...who can compete with that?!?

I'm 25 years old and have never been in love, and I blame that on being overweight, but really its my own fault...now that I'm almost 100 pounds lighter than my college weight...I do find that more men are looking, and its easier to talk to them, but I'm not sure if its actually because I'm smaller or because I'm more comfortable.  I've never really not been confident, or atleast I didn't think I wasn't (if that makes since) but maybe I was fooling myself...ahh who knows...

Anyhoo...there are plenty of men who appreciate a woman with curves...and I can't wait to find the right one!

This is a very good topic.  I was always slim, but about two years ago stuff happened and I ballooned to more than 200 pounds.  A long-time friend who lives over one hour away attempted to establish some kind of relationship via the internet, and it was easy to go along with it on-line.  But when he tried to arrange for us to meet I ran scared.  I probably lost a really goo dfriend because I was so ashamed of how I looked.  I remember being thin, I know how much attention you get, how people like to look at you, how people are nicer to you. 

I wouldn't rule out a man just because he was overweight, but I don't see myself as worthy when I am overweight.  This speaks volumes.

I like guys with a little bit of "extra" poundage on them, too. Not incredibly obese, but just kind of cuddly. So I guess it makes sense that some guys feel the same way about women.

I know that I've been reluctant to go the online dating route because of my size.  I think it really has everything to do with your confidence and how you feel about yourself like kimi said.  I too am just now getting back into the dating pool after my break up with my ex three months ago.

Hey there, my name is Brittany and I am new to this group. In my teens I was very thin and it seemed that guys always wanted to date me. However I gained over 100 lbs. on medication in 3 years. I think when it comes to dating and hopefully finding that true love some day. You as a person have to not judge a book by it's cover. If someone doesn't like who you are because of your weight, it would have never worked even if you were thin. I think it's important to have a lot of respect for yourself and others. How much someone weighs shouldn't have to decide if you could love them or not. When we age our looks fade anyway, our bodies sag and wrinkle. When someone loves you for you it's your minds that make you love one another.

I'm Dawn, also new.

I've never been skinny or small as I'm 5'11.75 with a large bone structure. I do think personality plays a BIG part in what the opposite sex is interested in but what I have also noticed with dating/weight is that there is a certain point where it just doesn't matter and you need to lose weight.

I've pretty much always been the big girl in my group of friends and in my small circle I have hands down had the most sucess with not only "finding" the guy but with KEEPING the guy and I KNOW it's because of my personality which I have more than enough of.

I also know that in the last 9 months, while steadfastly on my way to my highest weight, no guys have even looked twice at me. Coincidence? I think not...

I go to a singles dance of 40 - 80 yr olds.  Some guys ask you to dance, some don't.  I find that most of them are just looking for someone to treat them nice and not reject them.  There will always be guys who look for the thin girls - they can keep looking.

I do spend some time just watching what goes on.  It is not always the pretty girls who get asked to dance the most.  Or the youngest or the thinnest.  Being approachable seems to have a lot to do with it. 

On the other hand, I do think some guys ask me because they figure no one else wants me and I probably won't reject them.  Self esteem issues work both ways.

I've always been wary of it putting myself out there -- mostly because repeated rejection would totally suck on a cosmic level.

Now though, it's a new problem.

I'm in love -- 100% percent. I gotta a man but that hasn't made the nagging feelings go away. Now, since he's fairly slim I feel like the Jack Spratt nursery rhyme. I find I'm worried about what people will think when they see us together. A sort of "what's he doing with her?!" reaction. (It's a bit of pot calling kettle because I know I've done that before.) He's just a buck-fifty and I'm holding two and some change, plus I'm half an inch taller and already fond of high heels.

I guess at the heart of it, it's how we feel about ourselves and see ourselves that has the biggest impact on fears. But I remind myself that NO ONE is paying as much attention to you as you think.

Hi Purrrplej,

Two comments (my mottos)....one, YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THE BIG THINGS  and two....ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!

I have so many people tell me that I'm hot because of the way I carry myself and that people don't see my weight as much because of my confidence and not worrying about what people think.  So go for it and most importantly...HAVE FUN!!  

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years..  I weighed 150 (thanks to being strung out on diet pills!)  when we met, and I am almost 200 now.  Granted, I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to lose weight, the moral of the story is that he loves me anyways, and the weight generally doesn't seem to phase him.  There are guys out there that like a girl with a little extra meat on her bones! ;)

When my last relationship went bust, I gained back the 40 pounds I lost previously and a few more.  I have been single since then -- too long -- for fear of having to get too close to someone else with my body the way it is. 

It's not really about what someone else thinks; I have issues with my body so I think everyone else will. 

For the last 6 months I did the online dating thing.  It is nice to know that there are guys out there that don't care about your size.  I posted on my profile on a dating website that I'm working on losing weight and getting healthy.  How can someone judge a person who's trying to change themself for the better.  I wrote in my profile that instead of judging me that we should meet up for a hike or some activity where we can exercise but still get to know each other.  I do think that unfortunately there are quite a few men who stay away from a profile that says "few extra pounds" but those may very well be the guys we don't want to go out with and shouldn't give them the enjoyment of our time.  =) 

I have decided to take a break for now so I can focus on myself and losing weight and getting healthy.  To a point I'm comfortable with my body but I'm still too self conscious when it comes to guys and it's not healthy to be overweight. 

There's nothing that is going to stop you but your own mental block when you are dating. Most people don't obsess over what you look like, and they only see the negative when it is pointed out to them.

I've been in a relationship for two and a half years and I promise I wasn't tiny when I started it.

I really like this thread. :)

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and we're both bigger people. He loves me for me, and thinks I'm beautiful. As he always says "The people who matter don't care, and the people who care don't matter." I think that makes a lot of sense. A person who focuses only or mostly on my weight is not someone I want to hang out with anyway.

Confidence has always been a really big problem for me, but having him in my life has helped a lot.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 yrs.  I have maybe gained 70 lbs since I've been with him.  I am not going to list excuses... I just know it happend and it took me a while to admit it to myself. My point is that my boyfriend is literally 1/2 my weight. He is tall and skinny and he loves me every min of every day.  I think for me it's harder to see us together than for him.  I just keep telling myself if I can put the weight on I just have to work twice as hard to get it off.  A guy won't solve your self-esteem issues ( and I am not implying that that is what you are looking for). You need to be happy with yourself first. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful.  You will find a guy who loves you for you... and what I am learning is that you have to love you for you too.

I am 20 years old and about 50 pounds overweight... still. I was about 70 pounds overweight when I met my boyfriend 8 months ago. I honestly think it is about the way you carry yourself and the kind of men you are "into". I still find myself staring at my guy wondering how I got such a handsome fella, and I don't think a day passes that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am.

They're out there, promise! If you find one that doesn't like the way you look, it's his loss!

I'm a fairly insecure person, and usually fail to see how anyone could possibly be interested in or attracted to me.  I've got to work on that as I work on losing weight, because while I don't know how people feel about my weight, I do know that these personality traits are undesirable. 

xx

I think sometimes I blame my lack of dates on my weight cause I’d rather think I’m dateless based on my looks (which can be seen as superficial) versus the idea that I don’t have an attractive personality. 

It can be a horribly depressing thought. 

I probably hide behind my weight so I don’t have to date.  I really think I prefer being single.

I am not in the dating scene, I have a bf of two years. I've gained 25 lbs since we've been together, I was still overweight when we met but just bigger now. Being dissatisfied with your body effects many things dating or in a relationship. Lately, I've been very dissatisfied and its beginning to effect our sex life. I figure if I don't even want to see my body why would he? Anyway, confidence helps alot. When I get my confidence back I'm sure things will get better. Even though I was overweight before while dating I always had confidence and men say that is very sexy and a big turn on.