My Daughter is overweight - Looking for suggestions

I was never "thin" as a child and blossomed when I hit high school.  I am now overweight and trying to change that. 

My concern is for my 13 year old daughter.  She is active in sports, but she hit puberty early (11) and keeps getting bigger.  I don't know how to help her. We keep healthy snacks in the house, we promote good eating.  I make sure we all sit down to a meal every night.  We do very little take out.  I let her buy her lunch at school but am considering packing her lunch instead.  I can't control what she eats when she is with her friends or when I am not around. I would like her to learn to do that on her own.  On the other hand I don't want her to get caught up in the "thin is in" trap and be unhealthy in that direction. 

My daughter is an honor student who understands the social and health implications of being overweight.  I would like to introduce her to this sight, does anyone think that is not a good idea?  I was hoping that if we did this together it would help her.   I don't want her to have to deal with the issues of being overweight as an adult.

Thanks.

Original Post by theresa5656:

  I was hoping that if we did this together it would help her.

I think that is the most important statement you made there.  Encouragement without judgement is everything.

It sounds like you have got off to a good start with eating as a family.  Can you do some activities together too - like walking, cycling or skating etc..?  It would probably do you both the world of good just spending time together and if you can burn some calories at the same time all the better.

I am not sure what to say about her using the site.  If it is just to see what you are doing and how eating well changes the way you look and feel then I would say yes.  If it is for her to log her own calories and weight then I would be a little unsure - I think 13 is still too young to be getting worried about every calorie, learning the balance between food and exercise is more important.  That's just my opinion though - only you know your daughter.

I wish you both the very best with it. 

I also have a 13 year old daughter who is overweight.  We walked together throughout the summer but she just wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I was. However, she did go with me and we had great talks.  Remove the junk food, all of it, including pop. It won't hurt if everyone changes their eating habits instead of just focusing on your daughter. Give her better choices at home and maybe she will learn to choose better when she is with her friends.

Maybe this doesn't apply because I was a twig of a kid, but my son was overweight as a kid. He would wear men's L or XL shirts to cover his big belly. It broke my heart. I tried everything: only healthy snacks in the house, I made good meals, we excersized. Everything. I took him to the doctor and he said "well he's just a big kid". Oh thanks.

Then one day, around 13 or 14 he shot up about 6 inches, dropped 20lbs over night and BAM, I have a whip thin 6'2" kid. It was like he had to grow into his body like a puppy grows into its paws.

I guess my point is it sounds like you're doing everything right, so maybe just try to wait it out?

I'd be leary of showing her this site. The teenager section and health section is a den of anorexic behavior. Sorry folks, but it is.

You mentioned she is overweight, how tall is she exactly and how much does she weigh?

About the site, I'm with Spiro on this one... don't introduce her to the site. The teen section is very, very triggering and while your daughter may not be easily influenced by the girls comments, you really don't want to take that chance..

I believe it is a great idea for you to do it together but perhaps instead of having her come to this site, you could share what you learn here with her and your entire family. Healthy eating does not necessarily equate dieting so perhaps you could take that approach... try to raise your family's awareness of the benefits of eating well balanced meals, whole grains, fresh fruits, veggies, etc not because you'll lose weight but because it will benefit your overall health... for example, think of what you would do to make your household more 'green' and take a similar approach to eating... I hope this makes sense! =)

Original Post by coffincritter:


Or she may be sneaking snacks and junk food when she's with her friends...

Or when you aren't home.

I was very, very active as a child/teen but was still overweight. I'd stay unnecessarily after school before my parents came home from work. :P

Just talk to her without be condescending or judgmental. My parents said some things (just trying to help) that affected me pretty negatively as a young girl. I'm still dealing with self-esteem issues from it. 

Well, I've only had boys and when my 9 yr old was overweight I talked to him about portions, he cut back and grew and now is 6'1 and thin. You say your daughter is 13. From what I understand about girls is that they are pretty much done growing by 13-14. How over weight is she. You may want to find out what her bmi is and then decide if it is really worrisome.

I'd get rid of the junk just like everyone else has said. Replace it with fruit bowls. Start subsituting lower calorie ingrediants in your meals, like turkey meatloaf, turkey burgers, low fat mayo, sour cream etc etc. Clean eating magazine has some really good recipes that gives you all the nutritional info right there. The recipe forum here has some great ones too. Remember weight loss is a slow process for us and should be for her too. If you make small changes at home it will help, no matter what she does with her friends. I'd stay away from the young calorie counters as well, but this site has some other great tools as I'm sure you already know.

Thanks for the suggestions.  My daughther is 5'4" and weights 165 pounds.  I know she sneaks food with her friends and when I am not home.  I am not sure if it is an emotional issue or just boredom.

I definitely will not show her this site if the teen section isn't a supportive area.  She is influenced by peer pressure.

She has been to the doctor's and no health issues.  I think tonight will be the night that we sit down and discuss my concerns.  I just don't want her to feel that I am putting her down.  I know that at this age our kids don't always hear what we are saying, they put their own spin on our words.  I just want to help her avoid a lifetime of unhealthy habits. 

My weight crept up over time and after kids, marriage and high stress jobs things got out of control.  My husband is supportive so that should help.  My son is only 6 so no help or hurt there.

I keep fruit and fresh veggies in the house, low fat cheese, yogurt, only diet soda (we are even cutting back on this) whole grains, etc. 

Thanks again.

My quick suggestion to you as a Registered Dietitian that works with overweight kids and their parents is to go to mypyramid.gov and nutrition.gov online. Both of these websites have specific sections geared towards kids and can be used by both you and your daughter individually or together as a family learning activity.

The best thing you can do as a parent is to lead by example and to make sure your kids are provided the education needed to be able to make informed decisions with regard to health and nutrition.

First, let me state that I am in no way judging you.  Only you know your daughter and what is best for her and I'm sure you will do what is right.

I did, however, want to offer an opinion based on my own experience.

I, too, was an overweight child/teen.  Please, be very, very careful how you approach this with your daughter.  She's at a very delicate age right now where self-image is everything.  She knows she's overweight, believe me.  She's probably being told that she is, quite often and not very politely, by her classmates or in social situations.  She sees what passes these days for "pretty" on TV, movies, magazines, etc, and she sees that "pretty" = teeny tiny skinny toothpick.

When I was a teen, my parents would very gently and kindly try to tell me I should lose weight.  And even though part of me knew that they said it because they loved me and were concerned,  the louder, negative voice inside me said, "Even your parents don't think you're good enough."  That was a horrible way to feel at that age.

So again, please understand I'm not judging you, just giving you my own viewpoint. 

I think you're off to a good start with keeping healthy snacks in the house.  Be the example for her as far as healthy eating habits and making positive food choices.  Someone else mentioned getting the whole family involved in walks or bike rides, etc and that's a great idea.  That way the focus is on being together as a family and not on anyone's appearance.

Also, as long as she stays active in sports, that will be a good thing.  Studies have shown that it's better to be overweight and get regular exercise, than it is to be skinny and sedentary.  So maybe rather than focus on her eating habits, start right now by offering her plenty of encouragement to stick with any physical activity she seems to enjoy.

I also agree that it may not be the best idea to show her this website, unless you can strictly monitor her usage.  There are a lot of "problem children" on here, and I'd hate to see her get so many mixed signals.

Best of luck to you both! :)

justlaura

thank you.  my biggest fear is of making my daughter feel that she isn't "good enough or pretty" enough.  I remember being 13, and I dealt with low self esteem.  I don't want to hurt her in anyway, I guess as a mother I am just trying to "save" her from some of the future emotional pain that may come her way.

We had to go clothes shopping the other night, and I could sense her embarrassment at the size of her pants.  She is also a 36 D, so buying shirts is never fun for her.  I just want her to be happy and enjoy this time of her life.

I mapped out some walking routes for us.  I currently do my walks on my lunch period, I may try to fit in an additional 30-45 minutes with her after work. We can deal with the cold.

Side note:

I just visited the Young Calorie Counters Forum, and my daughter will go no where near it, even if I have to have the site blocked from her computer.  To use her vernacular "OMG" what are the kids thinking? That forum scared me. 

My suggestion would be to take her to the grocery store with you and every item you pick out tell her why its good for her, even tell her how many calories are in some of the bad food (to this day I am still learning about how some of my favorite foods are bad for me, and I didn’t even know it!).  I think if you give her information without directly pointing it at her, that it would help a lot without destroying your mother-daughter relationship and ‘comfort zone’.

I agree with justlaura.  I would be hesitant to tell your daughter you have concerns about her weight specifically.  Maybe instead, put it forth as a concern over her health and nutrition and/or level of physical activity... which really is the same thing, but sounds a whole lot better and doesn't have the same impact on young self esteem.

It's obvious you only want the best for her and KUDOS for taking such a thoughtful approach to it.  The steps you've already taken are great. 

 I let her buy her lunch at school but am considering packing her lunch instead. 

Do you have any idea the type of foods that are offered at schools?  At my school we had pizza with buttery greasy breadsticks, fast food, fried food, cheese fries, etc.  There are really no healthy options.  It's no wonder kids are overweight.  I would DEFINITELY stop giving her money to buy food at school.  And... just saying.   Isn't 13 old enough to pack your own lunch???? 

Original Post by theresa5656:

Side note:

I just visited the Young Calorie Counters Forum, and my daughter will go no where near it, even if I have to have the site blocked from her computer.  To use her vernacular "OMG" what are the kids thinking? That forum scared me. 

 Yeah, scares me too. As well as other mom-types here. I have a son with an eating disorder...he is 17.

I just wanted to add that instead of concentrating on calories per-se with your daughter....which might make her WANT foods more that are seemingly prohibitive...concentrate on health. Inform her how her growing body needs to have the most nutrient-packed foods possible...for her hair, skin, bones and muscles. Make sure the whole family is thinking/eating this way as well. My son responds to this way of thinking (he is trying to gain...) better than if I just pile loads of food on his plate and try to push him. He wants to eat healthy..but doesn't want to be overweight. I try to point out that if he doesn't eat enough protein for instance...his muscles aren't going to get much bigger when he is lifting weights.

I think showing her the "this vs that" for nutritional choices might be more productive than just showing her the calorie content. And she also needs to learn that snacks in moderation are okay. Not forbidden.

Take care !

I suggest the walks as well, but start cooking with her!

Cook healthy things with tons of veggies, whole grains, and experiment! Make it into something where there's tons of flavor from spices, and try new foods like different fish species, different grains other than wheat, strange fruits...

Don't have the same old same old, and make this a mother daughter bonding experience.

Try to make it so that she views foods in the same category. There aren't any BAD foods, just foods you should eat in moderation. Make sure she knows the health implications of not getting the right vitamins and minerals, and teach her what a balanced meal is. Right fats, protein, grains... Take pride in teaching her what's healthy and what's not, and praise her endlessly when she does a good job at making a meal.

I wish my Mother had told me I was heavy. I wish she had pulled me aside and said 'eating 3 hotdogs and half a box of mac and cheese isn't healthy'.

I know you're afraid of bruising her ego, because it's so easy to do at that age. I think she would rather have you supporting her and encouraging her to get healthy (not thin persay), rather than not broaching the subject and regreting it later like my Mom and I did.

I'm glad she's active, that should help. And YES, stop letting her buy her lunch!

I bought lunch and would just eat ICE CREAM for lunch! So unhealthy.

Fallingstars27 - Packing her lunch at 13 would just fall in line with me packing her brothers lunch (he is 6)  I would pack hers at the same time.  She leaves the house at 7 am to catch the bus, I really don't want to add to her morning routine.

nasuoni-I like the cooking idea that will help her.  She cooks with her grandmother sometimes, but I must say that grandma is all about the cookies, cakes and snacks. 

bliss2009 -My mom was constantly on a diet when I was a kid.  She finallly lost the weight when she had a helath scare, but she did it in a very unhealthful way and now has some internal issues due to the rapid weight loss

gddrdld - great websites thanks

All the suggestions here are great.  We had a discussion at dinner so everyone was involved. Noone was singled out.  I may keep this post running in case any one wants an update

Theresa, I would love an update in the future :)

I too was an overweight child and, at least in my experience, I wish my parents hadn't made such a big deal about it when I was younger, even though they sincerely tried to be "positive". I believe that all you can do is provide quality food and diet information and the rest is up to her. That being said one of my biggest issues with food when I was younger was the fact that I would diet the way my friend dieted which was basically to starve yourself, I would lose a little bit of weight but eventually gained it all back. It wasn't untill cc that I realized the importance of portion control and not starving yourself.