Daughter's eating habits... what to do?

My husband and I are at wit's end about what to do about our daughter. For the past two years she has been very obsessed with food. She has gone from eating under 1000 calories a day to binging on all of the food in the house. She eats up all of the food I buy, and we can't afford this! We continually tell her to not eat our food, and we even put notes on some of the cookies and other snacks that we do not want her to eat. We even hide food. But in the end, she finds it all and eats it all up. Sometimes she even throws it up--we caught her a few months ago. We take her to a psychiatrist, but she seems to be very hard headed (I'm not at most of the meetings, her father is, so I don't have the best idea of how she acts) and won't listen to what the psychiatrist says. She is VERY VERY obsessed with losing weight, although she has gained some weight due to overeating. I don't understand! She had such self-control when she was undereating, and although we constantly tried to get her to eat more, she would not. Now she is basically EATING AWAY our MONEY. She claims to have periods where she simply loses control and cannot help but eat. We tell her to simply stay out of the kitchen in order to avoid eating, but she says she cannot do this and that she simply has no control. So, she continues to eat up everything I buy. She finds the food we hide and selfishly ignores the notes we put on it, and eats it anyway. She often seems to be depressed because of this, and often she is very angry and argumentative.

We have told her time and time again to simply NOT EAT OUR FOOD--but this is obviously not working. My husband has tried to get her to keep a log of what she eats, but she says she will not do it because it only worsens her depression when she sees the food written down and causes her to eat even more. I think she is just being lazy and wants to rebel. What can I do to keep her behavior in check? Her behaviors are destroying our family.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I think I went through something similar when I was a teenager (I am 33), although not as exteme as what you are writing. Now when I retrace my thoughts, the overeating was (and still is sometimes) related to extremely low self image and a search for identity.

I think what eventually helped me a lot was having a strong role model in my mother. Although I hated it when she used to take me out to exercise, I became a walker when I was 19 and have stuck to an exercise prgram ever since. Also, finding out that I was talented at writing did wonders for my self confidence and slowly created a change.

Could you enrol her in a dance class/ something creative at a local YMCA where she will meet other kids? That might be a beginning. As for the financial aspects of her eating up all the food, I would suggest not keeping any binge foods at home- cakes, cookies, bread, etc.

Finally, I know its hard for you but you have to find it in your heart to love her and show her often that you love her and have faith in her, despite her hurtful behaviour. Love and faith can make all the difference to someone who is troubled- I know this from personal experience.

Original Post by lsami:

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I think I went through something similar when I was a teenager (I am 33), although not as exteme as what you are writing. Now when I retrace my thoughts, the overeating was (and still is sometimes) related to extremely low self image and a search for identity.

I think what eventually helped me a lot was having a strong role model in my mother. Although I hated it when she used to take me out to exercise, I became a walker when I was 19 and have stuck to an exercise prgram ever since. Also, finding out that I was talented at writing did wonders for my self confidence and slowly created a change.

Could you enrol her in a dance class/ something creative at a local YMCA where she will meet other kids? That might be a beginning. As for the financial aspects of her eating up all the food, I would suggest not keeping any binge foods at home- cakes, cookies, bread, etc.

Finally, I know its hard for you but you have to find it in your heart to love her and show her often that you love her and have faith in her, despite her hurtful behaviour. Love and faith can make all the difference to someone who is troubled- I know this from personal experience.

Thanks for your quick reply!

As far as enrolling her in dance or some other sort of activity, she would ABSOLUTELY REFUSE. We have tried to get her to get out and do so many things, but she is so lazy. She DOES exercise excessively (she walks 7 miles a day) and she just got a part-time job (her first job, although she is 17 and just graduated high school), but otherwise she just sits at home and eats. She barely has any friends because she has pushed them away with her obsessive behavior. She won't even swim because she "doesn't want to look at her body in a swimsuit."

She has asked us before to simply not keep binge foods in the house, but my husband and I have explained to her that it's simply not fair. Me, my husband, and our other daughter should not have to give up the food we eat because of one person. So, our solution was to hide the food--but she finds it anyway.

I have tried my hardest to show affection, but she simply does not show it back. She is SO negligent. Not only does she not talk to us, she will often curse at me and her father, and constantly fights with her father. Believe me, I've tried my best, but it doesn't seem like she's trying hard enough herself (although she ALWAYS says that she is trying her best to stop her behavior, I don't see it!). But believe me, I am trying my hardest to comply with her, I simply wish she would do the same for us.

sorry, this might seem a little harsh, but the first things that come to mind:

all behaviors are communication. 

it is my observation, professional opinion, whatever, that parents are responsible for the quality of relationship with their children. parents have the power and control in the relationship and children who act out are doing so with a context of family dynamics, she is responding to something, this isn't happening "just because". 

there is always a logic behind children's behaviors, something they are trying to communicate the best way they know how. the "problemed child" also serves the family as "the identified patient." they get sent to treatment as the problem because the adults aren't understanding their own role in familial disfunction. 

how old is your daughter? you are required to offer nourishment to dependent children, and if you husband is in her therapy sessions, you are either over involved or she is still a minor. if she is still dependent, you can not deny her food. you can stop bringing cookies into the house.

one of the issues i hear in all this is POWER. she has found a way to take some power and piss you off, even though she probably is speeking the truth when she sais she feels powerless.

and finally, she has found a way to impact you and make you pay attention! why the hell would she give it up? behavior is communication: she is now able to inflict the distress inside herself into you so that you might begin to have some inkling of understanding. maybe an attempt at empathy rather than control might be in order? 

i suggest you and your husband begin your own therapy to deal with how you are going to support her in a loving and healthy way rather than engaging a power struggle that is doomed to failure and that is obviously not effective. you are going to have to look at the messages you have given her and be able to acknowledge your own short coming in your mutual history as a family. you have to be able to be imperfect, to make room in your heart to hear her perspective, and work to change yourselves. you might find her need to communicate in this way becomes less necessary when her parents are not longer treating her like a freek and instead begin treating her with the respect, interest, and dignity that all children deserve, despite the difficulties she is facing. 

like i said, you might not like it, but thats my two cents, given the info you've provided. good luck. sounds like you might have a bit of your own work to do? 

Original Post by dstev100:

She has asked us before to simply not keep binge foods in the house, but my husband and I have explained to her that it's simply not fair.

She is SO negligent. 

your daughter has an illness that is believed to have an emotional component at its core. eatting disorders are born of how we internalize interpersonal relationships. 

and the brain doesn't finish its developmental process into adulthood until age 24, so she is still in the transition from childhood to adulthood. 

adolescence is hard, for everyone. i get that. but i dont agree that not having binge foods in the house is "unfair". either you are willing to support her or you are not. 

so her symptoms are asking the whole family to have a healthy diet. whats wrong with that? if you want a cookie, go on a special trip. you dont need a cookie. what is she really denying you? is a cookie more important that her mental physical and emotional health? 

you can still whip up quick healthy meals if you buy whole foods that require some prep. let eating become mindful. eat as a family. you could do a thousand things, peas and apples are great snacks. let her eat all the fresh peas she wants. it would be good for all four of you! a lot of us here don't eat sugar, and we're better for it. 

but "its not fair" is "not fair". you might consider that she is actually asking you all to get healthy, in more ways than one? 

your daughter has some serious self esteem problems. part of that comes with adolescence, but part of it comes from experience. we internalize messages from somewhere -- our families of origin, how our parents relate to us, if we feel they really love us or see us, those are major issues that influence the development of identity and how we experience ourselves in adolescence and adulthood. 

i know we all do the best we can, and parents parent how they were parented, all that. its not about blame, but she is offering you a major wake up call that could allow you an opportunity for some personal development of your own. is that so bad?

its just really painful for me to see you putting all the responsibility on her. she's not the grown up!

i really do encourage you and your husband to seek some treatment and begin looking at how you see, or dont see, and support, or don't support, your children. the stuff that tends to frig us up later on can be pretty subtle, and she seems to be acting out already. change now may make all the difference in the world.

are you willing to own your own issues? or is your daughter the only problem? 

You're right--it is definitely true that the parent plays a vital role in shaping her child. Before our daughter began starving herself two years ago, she had very bad eating habits and was overweight. For years my husband and I had struggled with her, but eventually she overcame us. She was SO SPOILED that my husband and I simply gave up and let her eat entire pizzas. I realize that allowing her to continue these eating patterns was our fault.

But when she developed obsessive eating habits, we worked with her but she would not comply at all. Again, she is very negligent. My husband and I have tried, time and time again, to reach out to her; she simply blows us off. She wants to live in her own little world and does not want to accept help from anyone on the outside. It's to the point where we're SO tired that we just can't help her any more. We have taken her to countless therapists but she refuses to comply. I just don't know how to reach out to her, because she won't reach back.

My husband and I realize that there are issues lying beneath the disordered eating. She has OCD, and the binge eating is just another one of her obsessions/addictions. This is why we think a stern approach is best; it's an obsession that simply needs to be replaced with another, healthier obsession.

But, bubbles, what you said makes me think: do you think this is just a result of her OCD, or are there perhaps more deep-seeded issues behind her eating patterns as well? She has not had an abusive childhood at all, but she was very different. She has gone most of her life without many friends because of her behavior (she also has Asperger's syndrome, which might account for the lack of some social development) and she was a very negligent child. She either refused to do any activities we might have signed her up for, or quit without really trying. Her sister, on the other hand, was very active and had lots of friends; she was the exact opposite, it's so strange to see.

how old is she? my first thought is that you shouldn't put weight/calories/food in her head and make her feel guilty about it. you can send her back into anorexia and have her not eat, which i think is much worse than eating too much if she is within a healthy weight range. 

why is there "your food" and "our food" buy food that she can eat without asking or feeling bad. There shouldn't be restrictions in the house on what she can and cannot eat. You're her mother, not her roommate. 

 ""She finds the food we hide and selfishly ignores the notes we put on it, and eats it anyway. She often seems to be depressed because of this, and often she is very angry and argumentative.""

--why are you hiding food from her, isn't this selfish on your part? you say she seems depressed and all you're worried about is your food and how much she is costing you. do you love your daughter? shouldnt you be worried about her health, not your lack of food/money? there is a bigger problem here which i think you're failing to address, maybe the root of her eating issues has to do with feeling unloved which i can see happening if this post is a reflection of how you typically interact with her.

i have struggled from an ED so I am not trying to be harsh but just offer a different perspective. you seem to be too concerned with the minor issue and not enough with your daughter's well being. 

Asperger's changes the entire picture! 

The brain processes emotions differently in autistic spectrum disorders and interpersonal relationships are often impacted, so ya, that makes a huge difference! 

i still think changing what's available in the house is still really wise. learn about good nutrition, have only healthy snacks, your basically structuring the environment to support her and limit her capacity for self harm. 

Are you in a metropolitan area or a small town? If you are in seattle, i know a guy who works with kids after they get deemed "a failure" by other programs. it takes a long time, but he does great work and the kids do learn to relate to other people, so there is hope. 

and i still think, you have got to quit calling her "negligent." if she really does have an autistic spectrum disorder, its very possible you are describing something thats more about a lack of capacity, understanding, and information processing, not attitude. attitude is a symptom, not a fault. 

given what you say, i would think that whatever providers you take her to should: 

• specalize in working with children with autistic spectrum disorders. if thats not their specialty, find someone else. 
• educate you about her condition and offer you ways to
  • support developmental tasks
  • understand her limitations
  • adjust your expectations to her capacities
  • help you interact in supportive and non-damaging ways.
  • help you devise appropriate strategies for addressing problemed behaviors based on her needs and abilities.
• see her privately with out her parents the vast majority of the time! occasional consults with parents are fine, but: 
• the relationship is between her and the therapist. your husband does not need to be in the room! 

and the ocd is probably a secondary condition of the aspergers. its not uncommon to see obsessive behavior in aspergers people. comes with the territory. 

No offense taken, but I have to assure you that I AM concerned for her well-being--I feel that quitting these binging behaviors is the first step to becoming normal, which is why we're pushing her so hard. We just want her to live a normal life. My husband and I just want what's best for her--we've tried all of her life to get her to open up and be part of the family, but she is completely against having anything to do with us. I just feel like as long as she doesn't want to be around us or accept help from us, there's nothing we can do but to keep persisting with therapists and medication.

She is 17, by the way.

I do need to get some sleep, as I have work tomorrow, but I'll be back tomorrow--thank you all for the advice, I appreciate it!

Original Post by dstev100:

My husband and I just want what's best for her--we've tried all of her life to get her to open up and be part of the family, but she is completely against having anything to do with us. I just feel like as long as she doesn't want to be around us or accept help from us, there's nothing we can do but to keep persisting with therapists and medication.

do the providers your working with explain the current understanding of her condition to you? they should. 

there are studies that indicate that autistic individuals have different brain physiology than non autistic people. some studies indicate that the brains of some autistic people do not see human faces as "faces" but as "objects". the rest of us have an area of the brain that just processes human faces. mirror neurons process information, we make the face we see, we learn about expressions and emotions through this developmental process. on the other hand, we do not try to look like the couch or the waste basket. if she isn't processing human faces, she is operating at a huge interpersonal deficit. you cant use the same measuring stick cuz its not the same learning process.

there are also sensory differences in many individuals, sometimes hightened, that influences how they interact. 

you may be having such a hard time interpersonally because she just doesn't have the neuropathways to process information in the ways the rest of us assume is normal. so i'd advise, be careful of interpreting her behavior as "not wanting to be around you" or as a "defiant" or whatever it feels like to you. her brain may be very very different and does not process the information of human relationships in the same ways you do. 

your providers should be explaining this to you!!!!! that gives me as much concern as anything else you've said! 

you do have your hands full, no doubt about that, but i dont think its fair to expect her to be normal. she is telling you she isn't. she says she's trying. what if that is true? she probably is attached to you, and would miss you if you were gone, and that might be the best your going to get. maybe she isn't "against" you at all. maybe this is the best she does! if she has processing issues with emotions, relationships, reading social cues, understanding other feelings, all common with this disorder, there is no way she will be able to act like a normal person in human relationships. she's not wired like the majority of us. 

please find a provider who specializes in autism and who has respect and compassion for their clients and what their clients suffer! find someone who is willing to educate the family on how to create an environment that can support her, and who will help you figure out how to do that.

being "strict" probably isn't going to teach her anything, as she may not have the ability to understand why there are different rules for different people in the same house, but structuring the envrionment so she has only one choice--success--has a better chance of working. but that means you have to be willing to change how you eat and shop and what's available to her. not hiding it or locking it up, but just having only healthy choices available, modeling appropriate behavior, and offering veggies as snacks. she's worth it.

best luck. 

and please find a specialist who works with kids with autistic disorders and loves their work and their clients and values family education. you need much more help than can be offered here at cc. 

Original Post by bubbles556:

sorry, this might seem a little harsh, but the first things that come to mind:

all behaviors are communication. 

it is my observation, professional opinion, whatever, that parents are responsible for the quality of relationship with their children. parents have the power and control in the relationship and children who act out are doing so with a context of family dynamics, she is responding to something, this isn't happening "just because". 

there is always a logic behind children's behaviors, something they are trying to communicate the best way they know how. the "problemed child" also serves the family as "the identified patient." they get sent to treatment as the problem because the adults aren't understanding their own role in familial disfunction. 

how old is your daughter? you are required to offer nourishment to dependent children, and if you husband is in her therapy sessions, you are either over involved or she is still a minor. if she is still dependent, you can not deny her food. you can stop bringing cookies into the house.

one of the issues i hear in all this is POWER. she has found a way to take some power and piss you off, even though she probably is speeking the truth when she sais she feels powerless.

and finally, she has found a way to impact you and make you pay attention! why the hell would she give it up? behavior is communication: she is now able to inflict the distress inside herself into you so that you might begin to have some inkling of understanding. maybe an attempt at empathy rather than control might be in order? 

i suggest you and your husband begin your own therapy to deal with how you are going to support her in a loving and healthy way rather than engaging a power struggle that is doomed to failure and that is obviously not effective. you are going to have to look at the messages you have given her and be able to acknowledge your own short coming in your mutual history as a family. you have to be able to be imperfect, to make room in your heart to hear her perspective, and work to change yourselves. you might find her need to communicate in this way becomes less necessary when her parents are not longer treating her like a freek and instead begin treating her with the respect, interest, and dignity that all children deserve, despite the difficulties she is facing. 

like i said, you might not like it, but thats my two cents, given the info you've provided. good luck. sounds like you might have a bit of your own work to do? 

 I think you are right-on! 

Wow...

You're obviously very concerned about your daughter, but what immediately comes through to me from your post is your anger about the situation.

You need to be there to support your daughter, not get worked up because she's really struggling. I wouldn't put sticky notes on your food nor tell her not to eat it - she already knows this, and I'll bet she is trying. Reminding her not to eat just reinforces her failure when she does eat your food. Plus, surely you should be encouraging her to eat treat foods in moderate portions, not restrict them altogether? Binging behaviour often arises from over-restriction.

It sounds to me like your daughter has Bulimia (although she does not vomit that often, from what you say, this is not a requirement for the condition). She is not lazy, nor selfish, nor hard-headed. She's mentally ill. Yes, living with someone who has an eating disorder is very difficult, but I'd advise that compassion and letting her know that you are available to listen if she needs to talk will get you far further than resentment and hostility.

You can offer her therapist and doctor's appointments (by herself) and let her know that you are worried about her, but other than that you can't do a whole lot except be there to support her.

The one other thing I would say is that I think she has been brave in admitting she has a binging problem and asking for you to remove binge foods from the house. While you obviously can't get rid of all the food in the house, I think it's fair that you remove things like cookies and other junk food. You can always eat these at a cafe away from the home, it's not like you have to stop eating them. And these are foods that are destroying your daughter's health because she keeps on binging on them. I would seriously rethink your decision to keep them in the house.

Good luck

Original Post by bubbles556:

one of the issues i hear in all this is POWER. she has found a way to take some power and piss you off, even though she probably is speeking the truth when she sais she feels powerless.

If she is speaking the truth when she says she feels powerless, she obviously HASN'T found a source of power!

Eating disorders are NOT about gaining power over other people. They have many sources but arise from personal problems, not from 'getting one over' anyone else.

By now you should have a trusted medical professional helping to guide you through dealing with a child with Asperger's and the behavioral and emotional problems that come along with it.

As for the diet problem, you might consider discussing with your daughter how much you care for and worry about her and that you'd like to help her.  Suggest going together to 1) a nutritionist to learn about proper eating and exercise habits for all of you and 2) a healthy-cooking course to learn how to prepare nutritions meals that fit those eating habits.

As for the treats in the house, you either need to sacrifice and not bring them into the house or not let her know they're there and lock them up.  I think the best is just to not have them there.  If YOU can't plan when adn what you'll eat, how can you expect her to?

You and your husband seriously need parenting classes! You guys seem to care more about "your" food than your own kid!

dstev100 - 

I am an 18 year old girl and when I was 17 I was in a similar position your daughter is in now. The first paragraph of your original post could have been written about me, word for word. I can completely empathize with the lack of control that your daughter is feeling. Please understand that your daughters bingeing is her body's response to such long term starvation and it will be borderline impossible for her to ignore it's cries for food. Her body is literally SCREAMING at her for fuel because she previously deprived it for so long. I can assure you she will almost definitely be doing EVERYTHING within her power to stop herself from binge eating, especially if she is obsessed with her weight. It will be a constant mind/body struggle for her, (for me I was fighting it every minute of every day) but eventually the body will win over the mind because it is designed to survive, and fight to get what it needs. 

"She finds the food we hide and selfishly ignores the notes we put on it, and eats it anyway." Please don't think of your daughter as selfish, she is struggling with a whole range of illnesses from the sound of it, and literally is powerless against her body's confusing cries. 

"I think she is just being lazy and wants to rebel." I really don't think this is the case at all :( You describe your daughter as lazy twice, but how can she be lazy if she walks 7 miles a day, has a job, and has successfully graduated high school? Her lack of social life is likely down to low self esteem or depression. Eating disorder sufferers commonly push people away and become very withdrawn. I also think her reasons for not wanting to write down what she eats are completely valid. After your daughter has binge eaten, she will feel VERY depressed, and a lot of self-hatred, and writing everything down will just make her dwell on it even more.

I understand how angry, upset, emotional you must feel about the situation, it must appear to you that her behavior is completely random and careless and selfish - but please understand she has a lot of problems and must be in turmoil inside. Is there any way you could accompany her to the psychologist? You really need medical professionals to help you with your case, rather than people on an online forum. Perhaps family therapy could be something to look into, especially since this problems is affecting your whole family. 

I also think it could be a good idea for you to read some literature on understanding eating disorders, if you haven't already. There is a lot of information on this website, but you could also look for books that offer advice on binge-eating and bulimia. 

I hope I have not offended you in any way, but the way you spoke about your daughter sent alarm bells ringing in my head. I know it's very difficult for you to understand what she is going through but please don't think of her as selfish and lazy and negligent - her behavior is compulsive. For the most part, she will feel completely powerless and as though she has no control and no way of stopping. This is something she can only overcome with professional help. 

Best of luck and I hope you and your family can all get through this, and that your daughter can soon begin recovery.

I think bubbles556 has some wonderful advice. 

I will stay out of any discussion on the mental health end.  I am not qualified to comment.

But as a practical matter - are you sure your daughter is eating more than she should?  You say she is eating all of your food.  But she also is still growing, works part time and is walking 7 miles a day.  That means her body will need a lot of fuel.  Probably more than you realize.  As a teen she is burning through more fuel than a fully grown adult of the same size just by being alive.  Her 7 miles of walking is good for about 100 more calories per mile, her part time job is going to need still more fuel. 

I am not saying your observations are not correct.  I can not know that.  But perhaps she is not over eating as much as it appears to be. 

Original Post by dstev100:

My husband and I are at wit's end about what to do about our daughter. For the past two years she has been very obsessed with food. She has gone from eating under 1000 calories a day to binging on all of the food in the house. She eats up all of the food I buy, and we can't afford this! We continually tell her to not eat our food, and we even put notes on some of the cookies and other snacks that we do not want her to eat. We even hide food. But in the end, she finds it all and eats it all up. Sometimes she even throws it up--we caught her a few months ago. We take her to a psychiatrist, but she seems to be very hard headed (I'm not at most of the meetings, her father is, so I don't have the best idea of how she acts) and won't listen to what the psychiatrist says. She is VERY VERY obsessed with losing weight, although she has gained some weight due to overeating. I don't understand! She had such self-control when she was undereating, and although we constantly tried to get her to eat more, she would not. Now she is basically EATING AWAY our MONEY. She claims to have periods where she simply loses control and cannot help but eat. We tell her to simply stay out of the kitchen in order to avoid eating, but she says she cannot do this and that she simply has no control. So, she continues to eat up everything I buy. She finds the food we hide and selfishly ignores the notes we put on it, and eats it anyway. She often seems to be depressed because of this, and often she is very angry and argumentative.

 

We have told her time and time again to simply NOT EAT OUR FOOD--but this is obviously not working. My husband has tried to get her to keep a log of what she eats, but she says she will not do it because it only worsens her depression when she sees the food written down and causes her to eat even more. I think she is just being lazy and wants to rebel. What can I do to keep her behavior in check? Her behaviors are destroying our family.

Wow.  This OP made me SERIOUSLY ANGRY. 

Your daughter has a EATING DISORDER which she cannot rationally control.  She can't just not binge because you put a note on the food. She is NOT in control of her behaviour.  If she were, she wouldn't be binging in the first place. 

She is obviously aware at how angry this is making you, but to be more concerned about the money you are spending on food that she is eating is just plain bad parenting.  She has already asked you not to buy food which triggers her.  Frankly, it is more selfish of you to keep this food in the house than it is for her to not be able to control herself around it.  Her behaviour isn't easily controlled.  YOURS IS.  Just don't buy the binge type food at the supermarket.  If you really want to keep a stash of junk food keep it at work or in your (locked) car. By buying food she has asked you not to you are ENABLING her behaviour. 

Why not make her a deal.  For example you and the rest of the family could agree to stop enabling her by having food around that she will binge on, if she will work seriously together with a therapist to try to fix her mind and her behaviour. 

Your daughter is ill.  Don't value food and your own personal junk stash more than her mental, physical and emotional health.

There's a condition called 'Prader Willi Syndrome' and one of the symptoms is that suffers will literally eat themselves to death.  I'm not saying that your daughter has this rare condition, however, you should maybe check it out a little in terms of how families with sufferers can best manage the condition.

For example, I appreciate that you want to have regular foods like everyone else around.  However, if you've got a family member with a problem with those foods it's not going to be enough to hide them, you really do have to place them literally under lock and key or not have them around at all.  PWS families will padlock the refrigerator, for example.  It's unfortunate that the rest of the family has to sacrifice a little normality temporarily but that's part of being a family.

PWS families have more constructive techniques they employ, some of which you may find useful.   One is to have very scheduled regular family mealtimes with daily menus posted in advance.   This may sound a little peculiar but people like your daughter can often be anxious that food will not be there... hence why they feel the need to eat everything in sight.  And then if they are desperate to lose weight the binge/starve thing kicks off again.   Regular meals of nourishing, filling foods and a daily menu that they can refer to can give them the confidence that food will be available in a structured way.

Hope something there helps.

Okay...my two cents... I am a high school principal and a parent of a child on the autism spectrum.

Some positive suggestions that may work:

1. focus on positive reinforcement; everytime she does something right related to eating behaviors, provide an immediate non-food reinforcer (something age-appropriate and motivating)

2. take temptation out of the house; you are still allowed to treat yourself if you feel you want/need that, but don't do it in the home

3. walk some of those 7 miles with her; fostering a shared interest will give you time to talk and grow closer; also if (as some other posters have implied) she is trying to indicate that she wants the rest of the family to be healthier, this will demonstrate understanding and committment

4. If you want to encourage additional positive physical activity, perhaps focus on an individal, rather than group activity, such as swimming; group activities can be particularly challenging for kids on the Spectrum

I think generally all of the advice that others have given you is outstanding.

Rachel

I am extremely disturbed by some of the language you used in your post.

"Our food," selfish, lazy, negligent.  You say she is lazy but that she walks 7 miles a day.  That's not lazy.  You say you've tried your hardest to show her affection, but she has specifically asked you to stop bringing trigger foods into the house and you refuse.  Do you think she interprets that as affection?  You refer to her self-control when she was undereating as though that was a GOOD thing - maybe you were happier when she was undereating?

You also say you're not present in her appointments.  Why not?  You claim this issue is tearing apart your family and yet it's not important enough to go to an appointment with her?

This child was not raised in a vacuum.  Her behaviors are a symptom of problems within your family.  Problems that you are a part of, whether you realize it or not.  Even if you've never said these hurtful words to your daughter, I have no doubt that she feels your constant disapproval and rejection.  No wonder she is depressed!

I don't know you, and I am judging your situation based on what you've told me.  But honestly, your post made you sound incredibly selfish and superficial.  This is your DAUGHTER.  Get rid of the **** cookies, start going to her appointments, and recognize that this is an illness and it will require as much work on your part to make her well as it will on her part.