Daughter's eating habits... what to do?

My husband and I are at wit's end about what to do about our daughter. For the past two years she has been very obsessed with food. She has gone from eating under 1000 calories a day to binging on all of the food in the house. She eats up all of the food I buy, and we can't afford this! We continually tell her to not eat our food, and we even put notes on some of the cookies and other snacks that we do not want her to eat. We even hide food. But in the end, she finds it all and eats it all up. Sometimes she even throws it up--we caught her a few months ago. We take her to a psychiatrist, but she seems to be very hard headed (I'm not at most of the meetings, her father is, so I don't have the best idea of how she acts) and won't listen to what the psychiatrist says. She is VERY VERY obsessed with losing weight, although she has gained some weight due to overeating. I don't understand! She had such self-control when she was undereating, and although we constantly tried to get her to eat more, she would not. Now she is basically EATING AWAY our MONEY. She claims to have periods where she simply loses control and cannot help but eat. We tell her to simply stay out of the kitchen in order to avoid eating, but she says she cannot do this and that she simply has no control. So, she continues to eat up everything I buy. She finds the food we hide and selfishly ignores the notes we put on it, and eats it anyway. She often seems to be depressed because of this, and often she is very angry and argumentative.

We have told her time and time again to simply NOT EAT OUR FOOD--but this is obviously not working. My husband has tried to get her to keep a log of what she eats, but she says she will not do it because it only worsens her depression when she sees the food written down and causes her to eat even more. I think she is just being lazy and wants to rebel. What can I do to keep her behavior in check? Her behaviors are destroying our family.

Original Post by fayxo:

dstev100 - 

I am an 18 year old girl and when I was 17 I was in a similar position your daughter is in now. The first paragraph of your original post could have been written about me, word for word. I can completely empathize with the lack of control that your daughter is feeling. Please understand that your daughters bingeing is her body's response to such long term starvation and it will be borderline impossible for her to ignore it's cries for food. Her body is literally SCREAMING at her for fuel because she previously deprived it for so long. I can assure you she will almost definitely be doing EVERYTHING within her power to stop herself from binge eating, especially if she is obsessed with her weight. It will be a constant mind/body struggle for her, (for me I was fighting it every minute of every day) but eventually the body will win over the mind because it is designed to survive, and fight to get what it needs. 

Yes, I totally agree with this. I am 22 and when I was 17 I was also in a similar position your daughter is in now. I was a purging anorexic, but the binging behaviour was similar. The post I have quoted also describes me to a T - uncontrollable behaviour that I desperately wanted to be able to control.

I understand that you don't want to give up your sense of normalcy, but right now you need to do what is best for your daughter. It is very hard for anyone, especially a teenager to realize that they have a serious problem and everyone makes it seem petty. For the next few months remove the junk food, chips, candy, soda, ice cream everything. Start buying foods that require preparation and encourage, dont force, your daughter to help. Once a week take her out for a treat. This is very important because she needs to understand that moderation, not restriction is key to getting healthy. You also need to alternate between family therapy sessions and private sessions. The private sessions need to be strictly between her and the thereapist. Not you, not dad, not uncle bob, just her. With time she will begin to open up and the recovery can begin.

I know where your daughter is coming from. She is reaching out for help the only way her brain will let her. Basically it is trying to force you to help her, by getting you angry. I went through this with depression. I picked and fought with everyone because I was confused and scared and everyone thought I was just hitting my teenage rebellion late.   Please, please listen to your daughters cry for help.

I was reading a bit more and you said your daughter has an autism disorder(sorry cant remember the spelling of it). Do you think that this could be a factor in her disorder? As someone else said she won't process thing the way you do. She wouldn't have friends like her sister, because she doesn't function lie her sister.(And you shouldn't compare the two.) If this is the case another thing you mentioned maybe clicked into place; you say she doesn't respond to affection, she may be thinking that you don't care. By ingnoring her request to remove temptation, to her mind you were saying your needs were more imprtant than hers. You should really contact a therapist specializing in her disorder. Then you need to recognize that your little girl will never meet your definition of normal, because she isn't "normal". You need to find a way to show her love and affection in a way that she can interpret.

MAYBE SHE NEEDS A MOTHER WHO WILL SHOW HER SOME AFFECTION ATTENTION AND SUPPORT JUST IN TERMS OF WHO SHE IS AS A PERSON

INSTEAD OF ONE WHO FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON CHOOSES NOT TO ATTEND THERAPY WITH HER AND IS , EVEN MORE CORRUPTLY, MORE INTERESTED AND MADDENED BY THE FACT SHES EATING UR COOKIES AND WASTING UR MONEY

SHES WASTING HER LIFE BEFORE UR EYES, DESPERATELY UNHAPPY, AND U CARE ABOUT THE GROCERY BILL?

SORRY, BUT I THINK U CAME ACROSS AS SHALLOW AND THE TRUE 'SELFISH' PERSON IN ALL OF THIS

Hi! I am not here to yell at you. I just think you should maybe open your eyes a bit wider.

For about two years I went through serious depression and rebellion of my parnets. To put it shortly, I was abused for 17 years, had my father arrested, then had to stand on trial against him, but thankfully I am now I have an amazing relationship with him. :)

When I was going through such a horrible time in my life, my mother is what kept me from suicide. Even one night when I came home and had gotten a speeding ticket, after spending the night with my bf (who she hates), I will always remember what she said to me that night, "Bernadette I will never give up on you. I will never let you go, so no matter how far you push me away, I will always be by you." I cannot tell you how those words have saved me multiple times. After throughout those two years, she repeated those words to be over and over again. And you know what, she never has given up on me and she is the most amazing mother a girl like me could ever ask for. :)

You need to keep being there for your daughter. YOU CAN NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DAUGHTER. it is of vital importance.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by bubbles556:

one of the issues i hear in all this is POWER. she has found a way to take some power and piss you off, even though she probably is speeking the truth when she sais she feels powerless.

If she is speaking the truth when she says she feels powerless, she obviously HASN'T found a source of power!

Eating disorders are NOT about gaining power over other people. They have many sources but arise from personal problems, not from 'getting one over' anyone else.

I agree with you that ED are not about power, But the OP is in in a power struggle and missing the distress by trying to engage in a power struggle rather than looking at the deeper issues. that was the point i was trying to bring out. 

your clarifying is appreciated. by me at least. :D

I'm sorry to have to post this response. I am not one to post negatively on internet message boards, but I feel compelled.

As someone who went through a very bad case of bulimia, I must say that I am horrified at your response to your daughter's condition. If my parents had responded in the same way that you are (in a VERY uncaring, insensitive way), I am fully convinced that I would not be recovered now, and would probably be in the hospital or worse. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but did you know purging can kill? I think it's ghastly that you come across as caring more about money than your daughters health.

Yes, these are hard days for the economy. But if in the worst of times you don't have family to turn to, whom have you got? Get your daughter healthy. Get her happy. These are the things that truly matter in life. Not &*^%ing money.

Also, your "non-understanding" attitude, and taping notes to "your food" (WTF is that about anyway? Isn't it your family's food?) well, that's probably screwing her up even more inside. She obviously has emotional problems that she is dealing with and has turned to food to get through them. If the problems are already stemming from your family life, your selfish actions are only going to increase her binges and confuse her more.

Bulimia takes over you, after a while. The body becomes addicted to binging and purging, and the chemical processes associated with it. So your daughter is not making this up, it is truly out of her control. Please try and understand that. It is a non-imaginary, intensely REAL and serious affliction.

You need a serious relaity check if you think your daughter is the one "destroying your family". If your family means anything to you, find some compassion and do everything it takes to get her healthy.

Original Post by folkharpist:

Yes, these are hard days for the economy. But if in the worst of times you don't have family to turn to, whom have you got? Get your daughter healthy. Get her happy. These are the things that truly matter in life. Not &*^%ing money.

Also, your "non-understanding" attitude, and taping notes to "your food" (WTF is that about anyway? Isn't it your family's food?) well, that's probably screwing her up even more inside. She obviously has emotional problems that she is dealing with and has turned to food to get through them. If the problems are already stemming from your family life, your selfish actions are only going to increase her binges and confuse her more.

You need a serious relaity check if you think your daughter is the one "destroying your family". If your family means anything to you, find some compassion and do everything it takes to get her healthy.

I have to agree with folkharpist and a couple of the others here.

Dstev100: Your daughter is 17, she has Asperger's, OCD and an eating disorder. As you should very well know being a woman yourself (I assume), you should know that 17 is not "grown up" and certainly not for a person with added issues like these. Yet, you seem to mainly be concerned about the fact that she is eating "your" food.

You're her parent. It's your responsibility to look after her and provide her with food and shelter. Your concerns seem to be to be very selfish and misguided at this point.

Maybe it's just the way you wrote your post, OP. But I don't sense a lot of care and concern for the welfare of your child. You just seem angry about your grocery bills and the fact that -- according to you -- your daughter sits around doing nothing all day. If this is the attitude with which you approach your daughter's well being, I'm horrified.

I know you've probably gotten enough advice already, but these are just some things I feel are worth mentioning.

Even though I don't necessarily agree with your approach towards your daughter's problems so far, I do understand how you might feel this anger. I've struggled with anorexia for the past 2 years and I know how hard it was for my parents to understand what I was going through. There was a little anger, but mostly because they felt so hopeless that they couldn't "fix" me. I think this might be how you're feeling.

It is obvious that your daughter has severe food issues but I think it's important for you to know that eating disorders are not about the food AT ALL! I've been in treatment 2 times and one of the things my therapist had to explain to my parents is that eating disorders are a family problem, not just an individual one. It is nearly impossible to expect someone to improve their condition if their environment stays the same. My best advice for you would be to try to get involved with family therapy. You have said that she really wants nothing to do with your family - to me, that is not normal and indicates there are some issues within the family.

I by no means want you to feel bad about how you've reacted to your daughter, but I think letting her know that you are willing to help her get better despite any financial strains would be beneficial. I just remember what my dad said to me while I was in treatment. It was very costly and I felt a lot of guilt because of that. My dad told me that even if he had to put a second mortgage on our house, he would do it as long as it would help me get better. Once I knew that, I felt a tremendous amount of support that helped to keep me going. Yes, the economy is bad and people are more worried about money, but don't take your anger out on her. Please don't make your daughter feel any more guilty than I'm sure she already does. If you really want to make a great investment I would recommend getting the entire family involved in therapy. It might cost a bit of money, but in the long run you will get back your daughter, and hopefully a happier one, for the rest of your life.

Just a note - I don't know anything about Autism on the syndrome that your daughter has and whether that would affect her condition, these are just some general recommendations

Original Post by choose2loose:

 

 

You and your husband seriously need parenting classes! You guys seem to care more about "your food" than your own kid!

thank you.

took the words straight from my mouth.

I have been inpatient few times where family therapy was a big part of the program. There is a book they suggested which was called Surviving an Ed for family and friends. I would encourage you to get it. I know that for many family members their child suffering from an ed brings up issues for the parents of their own that scares them to look at. Whether that be how they parent,their background,etc. Part of helping your child may be looking at your own self but as a family it can really make for a better life. I hope you come back to this post because part of helping your daughter is facing some of these hard things.

Now on a side note as a suffer I would encourage you to stop the focus right now on food/weight and ask your daughter how she feels and if you can help her in any way cause you are concerned. Your daughter is using her body as a voice. You can't fix your daughter but you can aid in her recovery. I don't think there is one person to blame with an ed because many factors play a role but I do think support is key in recovery. Something right now is not working with your daughter and yes she needs to be healthy with food and weight so that needs to be talked about but first I would encourage you to ask her how she feels and that you are concerned. Then ask if you can help with meal times,that you want her well and that can be at any healthy size as long as she is happy/healthy or possibly suggest a nutritionist.

I'm not going to post anything negative. I can understand both sides of the situation. I understand the feeling when your child is eating you out of house and home. And I understand the concern. My only suggestion is that if you want to keep your goodies in the house, keep them under lock and key. Just get a cabinet and put it in your room and lock it up.

I have three kiddos of my own. All three are very small so I HAVE to keep snack foods in the house. ( My 13yr old is only 62 lbs) They get the good stuff. I have a shelf of my own "diet" foods while they get the two lower shelves of yummy fattening food. Thank God I have control. 

I wish you and your family the absolute best.

I am very worried. Very, very worried. About your daughter, and about you. You speak with such rage; I am not surprised your daughter is being hard headed. She probably feels punished, oppressed, and most importantly, with very little control in her life.

And that's the thing. Control. Eating disorders are often relating to control. Believe it or not, an eating disorder is not about food. Not about weight. Very often, it is a coping mechanism. A destructive one which you have to help her with. Stop being angry at her, angry at her eating disorder and start talking to her.

I also suggest you stop labelling food "your" food. It is provided for all your family, not just you. Her eating what you call "yours" may actually be an act of defiance. And I should add, overeating can sometimes come about after a long time restricting. But whether anorexia or overeating this is a very serious matter.

For more help, please do look at our Eating Disorders Health and Resources thread. Eating Disorders Health, Resources and Info Thread: Updated! Specicially, the Family and Friends section.

But again, speak to your daughter. Do not SHOUT at your daughter. Definitely do not use the language you have used here. She is crying out for help and you seem to be blanking this by focusing on her weight and size, another thing you should NOT be doing to a girl with an eating disorder as it just gives out more for her to obsess over.

I agree with all the posters who criticized your priorities. I am in the process of recovering from a binge-eating disorder, and the depression and shame I felt were monumental. But I couldn't stop eating.  Thoughts of food consumed my life (like your daughter, I also have OCD) and once the obsessive thoughts entered my head, I could focus on nothing at all except eating. I failed classes, ignored all my friends, quit all my hobbies. You think I did that as a result of rational choices? No.

Compulsive Over-Eating is just that: A compulsive act.

If I had to deal with my shame ON TOP of the guilt trip you are laying on your daughter, I would have committed suicide a very, very long time ago. Your daughter may die (either as a result of purging, a result of eating herself to death, or as a way to regain final control via suicide). If any of those awful things happen, then it will be on your hands.

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for ill family members. Stop bringing her trigger foods into the home. No rationalizing that it's "unfair". JUST STOP. Lock your snacks up in a safe, or in your car. Or only "treat yourself" when you're away from the home.

Even if your daughter is strong and recovers on her own without your help, the damage you will have done to your relationship with her may be irreversible. Are those cookies you love so much worth losing your daughter over? REALLY?!

I'm so lucky my mother was nothing like you. Ugh.

You say you take her to therapy, but is that a punishment for eating all your food?  I am sure that as a teenager that is the way she sees it, no wonder her mind is closed.  In order to help her you have to show love and compasion, something we all do not feel you have much of.  My son has ADHD and for the past 5 years we go to therapy every week, it has helped but we go every week and i have never!!! made him feel any less for either his low grades or the time and money spent on therapy.  That is your baby you carried for 9 months, you should feel somthing for her!!!

By the way, I am really really tired of taking my son every week, but would not change it for the world

Wow as an adult that binges and has to be really careful with certain foods I cannot for the life of me imagine having someone in my life that is supposed to love and support me sabotage me like you are doing.  She's begged you not to keep foods around that tempt and instead you keep them where she can find them and just label it for her not to eat.  If those "special" me Me ME foods you HAVE to have are THAT Important then keep them at work or in your car and away from her.

If something triggers a binge so many people get this feeling of hoplesness from the binge that they just eat more and really can't stop because once the target calories or healthy habit for the day is destroyed, what's the point in being careful anymore.  I'm an emotional eater and at my worst I've been throwing up from too much food (not from purging) in tears and then once the nausea subsided I was back in the kitchen.  If it was so easy to "just stop" don't you think an adult would be able??

It's not so black and white.  Buck up mom your kiddo needs you.  You said you don't go to most of her therapy sessions.  Why Not?  No need to justify to anyone here but ask yourself that.  If it's because of work, you need to schedule something with your boss to be there or get help for your anger issues towards this situation on your own time.

I can't imagine a cookie being worth my kids healthy eating habits getting sorted out if we ever hit problems.  I can't imagine what you are going through, but as the parent of children with their own problems there have been times I wanted to quit.  Times when I was so cried out that I couldn't muster any more tears and needed to.  I have never once thrown in the towel and never will.  I worked with their pediatrician and anyone else we've needed to see and did my best to be there.  If I got angry, I found an outlet... not letting it reflect back onto the kids.

I know so many parents would be just tickled for their kids to be out walking or running for exercise... you call her lazy despite doing a 7mile walk daily.  If that's lazy I don't want to know what the heck you'd call me right now.

I'm not going to repeat what's already been said... you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and parenting a child with multiple mental and emotional health issues is a tough thing to do. But you need to remember this - MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS ARE NOT VOLUNTARY. Your daughter didn't 'choose' to have a brain that's wired differently to 'normal'. She didn't choose to have trouble relating to other people and showing affection in a 'normal' manner. And she didn't 'choose' to develop an eating disorder. She's living in a whirlwind and she is feeling terribly out of control... and from the sounds of it, she's probably been feeling like that for many years. She and you both need professional help to deal with this, and you need professional help to help YOU deal with the emotional strains of raising a child with problems. Of course you're angry and frustrated and feeling helpless at your inability to help her, and her apparant unwillingness to comply... you wouldn't be human if you weren't. You've been dealing with her myriad of problems for seventeen years, and that's a very long time. Has anyone ever sat you down and said 'how can we help YOU?' She's not doing this because she wants to punish you, or because you screwed up as a parent, or because she hates you and her sister, or any other of the thoughts that may have entered your head. She's doing this because her brain and her body have gone haywire, and she needs help.

I'm going to go give my mother a great big hug tomorrow and thank her.

I'm going to thank her for insisting that we all sit down together for a healthy evening meal where we all ate the same thing.  No 'mine' or 'yours'.

Thank her for not making a ton of fattening desserts or bringing home junk food when she knew I was trying to lose weight (she even joined me in the effort), even though it was a small sacrifice for the rest of the family.

Thank her for her patience with me when I was a rebellious teen trying to find my place in the world.

And most importantly, for being a mother who took the time out of her busy life to help me even when I didn't know I needed help.

What a shame that not all mothers can be like that.  What's the old saying?????  Anyone can be a mother/father, but it takes someone special to be a mom/dad.

Well.....  it appears that the OP has removed her profile.  Not everyone can handle tough love, I guess.

Original Post by kaufmkk:

Well.....  it appears that the OP has removed her profile.  Not everyone can handle tough love, I guess.

 :/

I really hope that her daughter gets the help she needs and that the whole family gets some therapy and a reality check ASAP. 

Original Post by hailtothethief:

Original Post by kaufmkk:

Well.....  it appears that the OP has removed her profile.  Not everyone can handle tough love, I guess.

 :/

I really hope that her daughter gets the help she needs and that the whole family gets some therapy and a reality check ASAP. 

In a way, I was wondering if the OP wasn't actually the daughter looking for some fodder to get back at her parents whom she felt were unsupportive.  That's the bad thing about these online posts..... you just never know what's really going on.