'Dead Beat Dads'....

So my heart was broken last night, because my daughter cried to me about her father being a 'dead beat dad' ... she was so upset and was telling me that it's not 'fair' that other girls have their fathers and she has someone who mocks and disrespects her. He breaks promises, says he will do something for her and then disappears for weeks and she has to track him down for it....only to be met with resistence and head games.... 

I wish that I could take the pain away from her, I wish that I can just snap my fingers and she can have a father figure... but I can't... she said that she wished that I could have provided that for her, a father figure... well she was so upset that she didn't even see how that killed me inside... it's my biggest guilt as a single parent. I told her I feel guilty about that, that I never provided her with that kind of 'father figure' ... I mean I had my own 'father' issues that have broken me inside and I have worked on for years to mend. All I could say to her was that this will build her character and her inner strength. That at this time in her life, she needs to count her blessings, especially during the 'dark' times...  Karma please track him down and make him pay tenfold for what he is doing to her, for it all, thank you very much....*sigh* 

(((Hugs))) for you

<<<icepicks>>> for him.

:(

thanks girl! yes icepicks that would be karmically deserved...

I wish I had advice too, instead of just the hugs and icepicks! That's just a cruddy situation but I think you handled it well. She WILL be stronger for it.

I know how your daughter feels, and let me tell you, she doesn't blame you. She just wishes there was a dad-figure. It isn't your fault at all. It's the father's fault. It breaks my heart every father's day, I mail him a card every year, the words in the cards are just lies, but I do it anyway. I wished for a father-figure too... but it didn't matter if there was one, cause it wasn't HIM.

Don't feel guilty for something that is not your fault. Your daughter understands, it just hurts when you need that the most and it's not there.

I think something larger than an icepick is necessary here...

I have the same issue with my son's father. Every since he was little he always breaking promises, complaining about paying child support, and just being a overall jerk.

I remember when he was little I was constantly having to console him because of something his stupid father did.

He even called me about 2 months ago wanting to stop the child support because Tony doesn't want to hang out with him all the time.

I do believe that Karma will get him. My ex can't keep a job or a relationship!

You cannot choose your parents.  You can choose your friends.  Over the years she will make many friends who will fill many different roles in her life.  One of those friends may also happen to be her mom as the parent child roles blur somewhat with the growing up process, her biological father will most likely not be chosen as a friend.

How hurtful. :( But I'm sure she doesn't mean it. I never blamed my mother for my father, and I'm sure she doesn't blame you either. Nor should she feel like it's not fair. Some kids don't have any good parents at all. I think the single mother is too often taken for granted. She should be happy and fortunate that she has you to lean on and really appreciate you and what you do for her.

Dead beat dads suck, but a wonderful mother makes it all worth it in my book. My mother makes the best of the situation that we have and I know that she can't be responsible for another person's behavior. 

Maybe because my father sucked I never cared for a father figure or not having one because I had a mother and grandmother that were more than enough for me. Some times you just gotta deal with the cards you're dealt. :(

My Mother left my dead beat father when I was 5, and married my DADDY when I was 9.

It was the best thing she could have done for me, and I'm grateful to this day that she left him, and taught me that HIS not being there wasn't my fault, and I was wonderful in every way.

There will come a time when she will be thankful for your judgement, because she'll realize that without her dead beat dad's sperm, she wouldn't be who she is.

It's okay, it will all work out :)

thank you guys for your kind words.... 

trytobehealthy, it's the same thing with her he also refuses to pay child support because she started to step back from wanting to hang out with him, after he would disappear when she tried to track him down for her allowance... same thing. 

Sara, that's reallly good advice and words of wisdom. I did tell her that it will make her be able to see right through people quicker than ever before

jaefuma, no I don't think she really meant to hurt me. As she said it crying, she said I feel bad for saying that to you, so she knows. and she knows how much I love her.

nasuoni, your mom was smart to find someone. She's starting to come to that judgement now as to why I truly left all those years ago, she's really been with me her whole life so she's starting to see it. 

cpt, I agrree something larger than an icepick girl, I'm sorry that you have to go through that every fathers day

crazydiamondchrysalis, thanks girl your right she will be stronger for it.

I just don't understand how someone can be soo selfish when it comes to their own child...I just don't get it, I sacrifice everything for her, and have become soo selfless how can he be so hurtful to her, he literally laughed at her when she tried to tell him how she feels, then he started mimicking her! I had already intervened and told him that he is hurting her and regardless he needs to take care of his duty and responsiblity and be a grown up, he's almost 40 for god sakes! what a pig, karma please please get him and all those dead beat dads....

Original Post by shapeshifter:

I just don't understand how someone can be soo selfish when it comes to their own child...I just don't get it, I sacrifice everything for her, and have become soo selfless how can he be so hurtful to her, he literally laughed at her when she tried to tell him how she feels, then he started mimicking her! I had already intervened and told him that he is hurting her and regardless he needs to take care of his duty and responsiblity and be a grown up, he's almost 40 for god sakes! what a pig, karma please please get him and all those dead beat dads....

 Have you considered the fact that this man isn't normal? That he is in fact a sociopath?

Someone with no heart, who has to imitate being able to actually feel things because he doesn't feel the way normal people do?

That there is no teaching him to love, respect and honor your daughter the way he should?

It's quite possible he is, considering 1 in 25 people in the United States IS a sociopath....

I hope your daughter realizes that you are protecting her, and I hope that if your EX isn't a sociopath that he grows up NOW....And if he is that you stay away from him because there is no 'fixing' a sociopath.

BTW, if he's not paying child support, file the paperwork with the district attorney to garnish his wages.  Even if he's not working they'll keep adding late fees and penalties until he pays up.  The whims of the child not to follow through on visitation have little bearing on child support.  Generally the attitude is if you gave the sperm you have to help with the costs.

Yes, I truly don't think he's human in any way, I left him over 14 years ago and one of the biggest reasons was that to protect her from him, he is very sociopathic... it's scary, I even had to get a protection of order from him years and years ago to stay away from me.... it's just been in the past couple yrs that my daughter wanted to reconnect with her father and now 4years later, as she gets older she's starting to see his patterns, and it's shocking her... she said to him when he mimicked her, that she can't believe that his blood runs through her veins, that he's a child. And he just laughed and laughed. disgusting, my poor baby... *sigh* 

i have had to watch my 19yo girl come to terms to who and what her dad truly is over the last couple of years. i never bad-mouthed him when the kids were growing up, i figured it was up to him to establish the relationships.

ugh...so hard to watch. no easy answers here at all. at all!

i only got child support when he was with this one lady for a couple of years. he still tells daughter he will send her money for this or that.. at least i can just look at her now and shake my head and she understands and says yeah...you're right. sigh...

she has kicked him out of our house before when he was visiting because his behavoir was so pathetic. it sucks when you have to be the parent to your parent. ack!

:(  There's no reason you can't give her another father figure in life. It isn't in the replacement of her actual father. It would probably help her to be around other male father figures though.  (Stable/Good ones.)

My mother had this same issue with my baby sister. She was in fourth grade and struggling with our parents divorce. My father couldn't be the father he was for the rest of his children.I'll leave the reasoning at that because it's not important to the conversation. She actually made sure my sister had a male teacher. It helped! She saw/felt the stablity of another male influance in her life through him. My sister also joined a sport. One with a male coach which also helped a great deal.She wasn't aware of the changes my mother made. My mother just felt it was important to keep steady male role model/father figures in her life. These are just a couple suggestions that helped my sister.

Original Post by smwhipple:

BTW, if he's not paying child support, file the paperwork with the district attorney to garnish his wages.  Even if he's not working they'll keep adding late fees and penalties until he pays up.  The whims of the child not to follow through on visitation have little bearing on child support.  Generally the attitude is if you gave the sperm you have to help with the costs.

I have filed with the state of va. for the past 10years, HE hides his income... he has manipulated the system. She told me that he runs a company through EBay and there is no way to prove that he get's income through it... he works part time at a shoe store to make it up to the state that he's paying 'something' he's paid as little as 19dollars in a month and get's away with it, by stating that he's earning below poverty level...it's sick and twisted. I call my case worker about this all the time and he tells me that there is nothing they can do to prove it. I would have to get a private investigator and take him to court separately, and I can't afford a private investigator and sue him myself, so I have to go through the va. dept of child support and my case worker is a hack, he acts like I'm bothering him everytime I call....

Well, it can eventually catch up with them.  I currently have a friend who is in the county jail for failure to pay child support (probably in part for pissing off the DA too, but I rather suspect that was a worthy cause in itself ), the kid in question is now 20.  Unfortunately the mother worked the system to the detriment of the father and manipulated the kids into not talking to the father which is awful in this instance because he is a good dad, just not one who makes money.  The oldest one has reconnected and researched the divorce, the youngest one has just listened to the mother.

I hate it when my ex complains about paying child support. I went thru the state to get mine and they garnish his wages and he hates it. I get only 50 a week because he had 4 other children from 2 other women. He feels like since I am married and have a house that I don't need his money.

Do you know how much a teenager can eat? I need the money!

Also my husband pays $1000 every month for 2 kids and doesn't complain. It is just shows how different they are.

My father never paid a dime to my mother and she raised 4 kids by herself!  they divorced when i was 3 and he never paid anything...not even to this day and i'm almost 30!  I would even get in trouble by him if i forgot something and he had to buy something to replace it such as a hairbrush!!  As a child of a dead beat dad, just realized that she will meet someone...perhaps someone in church, another friend's father, a neighbor, an uncle, etc who will fill in the father figure role for her and it will all be ok.  My greatest thing was one of my friend's family.  The dad and mom took me under their wing and when my dad would no show for his weekend with me they would take me instead.  They'd take me to the movies which my mom could never afford or take me to the mall and shop and they always found a way to fill in what i felt i was missing..i was even lucky enough to have that dad give me my diploma because he was a member of the school board (and yes my real dad was a no show for my graduation...big surprise!!!) somehow and some way everything works out....your daughter will appreciate you for being a steady role model and for being so strong and wonderful!  And hopefully one day her dad will come to his senses and be a part of her life (if she desires to have him in it!) Don't let it bother you though! 

Thank you guys for sharing your stories, really truly it means so much to me. It helps give me strength when my mind is racing and I feel sad/bad about these things my daughter is going through. As a mother it just breaks my heart to see her hurting... 

Watergirl/Kristie - Thanks Sister, you are always such a light of strength to me, so I'm sure your daughter feels the same way about you... and yes, my daughter has to be a parent to him as well, she called him 'a child' when he started mimicking her back...ack! is right

enchangting- that is good advice, but my daughter is in highschool now and I do not have the ability to have pick her teachers, she is in a sport, dance and some of her coaches are male, so does have that influence, it's just he other kind of support and father figure she would like to have had at home... she said to me during her tears, that she knows that I'm her mom and dad...so thank you for sharing your story

smwhipple - yea he's manipulating the system this time, it's the other way around for me, I believe in karma strongly so I can't imagine what or how I could do to him, other than follow the rules and go through the courts, they told me that he has 60 days to pay or else they will go after him, so we'll see it's been 45 days so far

trytobehealthy - he pays or paid that amount as well it was 50dollars a week on average, sometimes less sometimes nothing. And he doesn't even have any other kids, she's the only one. He's disgusting. Trust me I know how expensive a teenager is, she's one...

kstg - thanks for sharing your story. your mother must a strong woman and I told my daughter that it too will make her strong, you seem to strong yourself so thankyou for sharing your story

...s 

Hang in there.  You know that you'll still do everything with and for your daughter that you possibly can despite whatever her biological father says or does.  She'll eventually realize that he's living fairly well while you're saving every penny.  Kids do notice who pays and who is a dead beat, it just takes a while for everything to add up.  I wouldn't make any excuses for him as that just delays the blow and builds up a fantasy that gets shattered.  Just more of a people are people, you cannot force them to behave in the manner that you would wish except when you're their mother.

I've got several friends in similar situations of both genders.  Court documents are a public record and the kid will probably eventually get curious enough to look them up and then furious over what s/he finds.

Careful if she's invited to "visit" with the new family, my friend's very difficult teenager went for a summer visit which turned out to be an unpaid babysitting gig.