How to deal with Men when you're skinny . . .

Okay, I've got a question for all you man-savvy chicas out there. 

Back info: I'm 5'6" and am 169, down about 25 pounds from my start weight. Still a bit high I know, but I totally work/camouflage it, nobody looks at me and thinks I'm fat.

I have always been a heavy girl, always the one to finish last at those damn mile runs they used to make you di in High School.  You remember those?

Therefore, I was always pretty much been ignored, how would you put it delicately, "romantically"? That works.  I've always been ignored romantically because of it.  I've always been outgoing, confident, and funny, but, when you're fat, men seem to read it as 'outgoing, confident, and funny'

Problem: Now, I've lost a good chunk of weight, and suddenly, the buggers are reacting differently than what I'm used to.  Now, it seems 'outgoing, confident, and funny' is starting to be taken as 'Flirty, sassy, and interested'.   I'm really not acting any differently, and guys who haven't talked to me in ages, or never paid any attention to me are starting to call, or email, or . . . "get a foot in the door" so to speak.

Symptoms: It's actually kind of disgusting me. Like, I am sooo disillusioned right now with men in general.  I feel like the only reason anyone talks to me is because I'm slimming down.  I feel like personality isn't worth a damn in this day and age and they have no respect for me.

Diagnosis: So basically, my lack of experience is apparently sending up green flags to man-world. 

Can anyone give me a few tips on how to send a few 'I'm not interested in you' signals, and maybe clue me in on some 'I'm seriously interested in you and not just playing' signals guys might send?

They're all interested in you, and your personality is part of why. It's not that they're only interested because you're skinny, it's because before they didn't notice your amazing personality because you weren't skinny. It's an unfortunate truth of men, but about 98% of them are like that so you just have to get used to it.

I don't know what to suggest as a good signal to give that you're not interested. They are mostly clueless and you have to be almost explicitly clear with them for them to get it. I think it will come with time and practice?

Good luck (and congrats on the weight loss, btw).  In general, men are very shallow.  Even my wonderful husband can't seem to find a woman over the age of 35 attractive (except for me, of course.  Yeah, right.)  I'm experiencing a little of the same thing now. I am married, so not looking, but I'm noticing that, all of a sudden, since I've lost about 55 lbs, men are actually making eye contact with me and, sometimes (brace yourself) smiling and flirting.

Hopefully someone else who is a little less cynical can give you some useful advice. 

Original Post by cypris:

Can anyone give me a few tips on how to send a few 'I'm not interested in you' signals, and maybe clue me in on some 'I'm seriously interested in you and not just playing' signals guys might send? 

I've found that a good sucker-punch to the gut usually gets the message across.  But maybe you're looking for something a little more subtle. 

Oh why spoil the fun?  String the poor creatures along by the nose....  Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.... Hump 'em and dump 'em.   If you've got it, flaunt it!   (And any other cliches you can think of)

Joking aside, it's all good practice for when you meet the one you really like.   Kiss a few frogs before you find a prince.

Original Post by gi-jane:

Oh why spoil the fun?  String the poor creatures along by the nose....  Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.... Hump 'em and dump 'em.   If you've got it, flaunt it!   (And any other cliches you can think of)

Joking aside, it's all good practice for when you meet the one you really like.   Kiss a few frogs before you find a prince.

 I don't think I could possibly say it any better! haha. enjoy yourself! that's what it's all about, you can always say no if it turns down a street you don't like

It depends on the guy. Some guys take hints better than others. If you don't like a guy that seems interested in you, avoid him. If he's a friend of yours, that's where it can get more complicated. A lot of times you just have to straight out say "Sorry, I'm not interested," and sometimes it takes even more than that just to get the point across.

If you're interested in a guy, I've noticed eye contact does wonders. Not a crazy death stare, but you can accomplish a lot with the right look.

Original Post by phylbean:

I've found that a good sucker-punch to the gut usually gets the message across.  But maybe you're looking for something a little more subtle. 

 

Depending on the man, this can be construed as foreplay!

I've been cornered, bought unwanted drinks, ogled, leered at, propositioned, begged, flirted with, etc.  It all comes down to knowing what you want and forcing the men to behave if you choose to interact with them.

When they behave badly tell them.  If you're not interested romantically, but are in friendship, tell them (most won't understand this if they're single, but you can still tell them). "Leave me alone" is a key phrase.  Learning to step on their feet is never amiss (spike heels and cowboy boots are your friend).  Buy and wear a plain wedding ring if necessary.  If they make any threatening moves, call the cops or the nearest help available.

Basically I'm willing to flirt lightly with them as long as they're keeping it friendly and on a topic of interest to me.  If they bore me I stop talking to them. If they try to get too friendly I stop talking to them or now bring up the bf.  They can look appreciately and I just accept the compliment, but leering I remove myself from their company.

Reiterate no, say no thank you.  Gosh aren't you nice, but I'm interested in someone or I'm seeing someone or I just don't have time.

Cypris, 

I know exactly what you're talking about here.  I was always on the heavy side, chubby, but never obese and lacking in the romance department.   When I lost my weight, I was suddenly going on all kinds of dates.    

So here's the thing.  A really good guy friend of mine told me what it was.  He said my personality never changed, it was the way I held myself.  When I was a little heavier I kind of held myself inward to try and hide the fat, but when I lost the weight and was proud of my body I held myself more outwardly or more open. He said this made me more approachable. When you're open like that and proud of yourself, guys take notice and think you'll be more open to them.  We women think we're the only ones who notice these sort of things, but men can pick up on it too.

I agree with the other posters.  Enjoy yourself!!  Date 'em all until you find the perfect one for you.     CONGRATS on the great SUCCESS.

Cypris,

Here is a thought from a guys perspective.

Maybe you are actually  displaying a more positive attitude than you were earlier in life.  You feel better about yourself and that alone can make you more attractive to us guys.  I saw your profile picture and you are a gorgeous young lady.  Im supprised that guys havent been after you for years.

If there is one thing guys dont want to be around.. its someone that is unhappy with themselves.  It brings everyone around them down as well.

Enjoy your new self.. and keep up the good work..   And I hope you meet that prince someday.

Friar John

Wow, we obviously have some beautiful ladies on the site! I wish I was getting that sort of attention!

The cynical response: Enjoy some dinners out on their dime.

The less cynical response: When I was looking for a potential partner, I met some great guys who were also grossly obese.  As much as I liked them and thought they were awesome people, I knew that if I ended up with them, I'd be sucked into their patterns of overeating and inactivity.  I love to cook and curling up and reading a few books strikes me as a fun day.  Obviously this is NOT the way to stay healthy and control my weight and I've deliberately found hobbies that keep me more active over the years.  I happened to find my boyfriend who is not a couch potato as a result of one of those hobbies.

It actually wouldn't surprise me if your weight loss has made you more attractive, not only because of your appearance, but because guys perceive you as motivated, successful and healthy.

As for signals...I'm usually clueless and as a result end up being quite blunt and just asking if they'd be interested in grabbing a coffee or hanging out.

If someone's a nuisance and won't go away, pull out the 'I'll only ever see you as a friend." line.  It's a guaranteed mood killer for most guys and gets the point across.

Alright here's my two cents on the matter. You have to understand that there are a lot of subconcious issues going on with men's (and women's) minds during dating and selection. Men have evolved to be attracted to physical traits in women that suggest good health and genes - thus making them suitable vessels for their offspring. We've also evolved a desire to mate with as many women as possible - thus increasing the odds of continuing our genes through our many offspring. It's not that we're shallow, and it doesn't mean that women are nothing but pretty faces to us. It's just biology.

Also consider this  - being in better shape conveys a certain amount of effort and discipline going into your appearance that wasn't there before. That's attractive in and of itself. We (men) grow up learning that a good work ethic is very admirable. When I see a woman that has obviously worked hard to maintain her body and appearance its a major turn on, and I don't think there's anything shallow about it.

First off just let me say, ask me any questions about guys you want. I'm a self admitted serial dater. They never last more than 3 or 4 months with me. Dunno why, but one of us always ends up walking away from it. My best friend calls me a man eater. **eye roll**

In my experience its best to do the obvious hints...becuase guys for the most part are completely and totally dense! Don't call them back, or call them back when you're in a noisy place and say, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you I'm out with a friend/friends. I just wanted you to know im not ignoring you. We can talk later okay?" That way they know, you're still a nice girl but maybe not interested in them like that. Don't call them back for at least 3 days after the previous conversation...the example i just gave.

Find a couple of really great guys to just be friends with. They can help you in a bind. Like say...you're out somewhere and a guy starts hitting on you and you want him to go away. You slip one of your best guy friends a look and he can slip his arm around your waist and say, "Babe is he bothering you?" That always works.

Most of all, just have fun with it. Enjoy the positive attention. Use it for motivation and reassurance. Guys do think you're pretty! And you really are pretty, I looked at your profile. It can be overwhelming sometimes though...I do understand that. Just be careful not to get into any bad situations with a guy who maybe doesn't have good intentions.

Sorry, gotta say it: be careful.  I'm all for the hump and dump, but just keep in mind that more than one in five Americans has genital herpes.  And having oral sex with more than five partners increases your chance of throat cancer by 250%.  And you could always find a crazy who will light you on fire.  So, just be careful out there.  Enjoy the heck out of it, but be careful. 

Well I know how your feeling.  I've been through this.  Men are so silly, if your attractive you definatley get treated differently.  I noticed this one day when I was out doing errands and men just kept opening doors for me and smiling.   It made me laugh because I knew it was because I was lower in weight. It's really weird at first, I used to weigh 225 pounds so I never had this kind of treatment.  Now, I just take it as a compliment and move on.  It's nothing to get too upset about, you'll get used to it.

Ah, the general problem here is that these kind of guys are not thinking with their Northern brain. There's not much you can do it about it, it's one of the perils of being hot, all you can do is learn to give a firm no to anyone who is only after one thing, and to recognise when someone is generally interested in you as a person rather than just a body.

My view is that it never hurts to have the pick of the guys. If you're getting alotof offers there's a good chance that a few of them will turn out to be sincere. :-)

I can't believe this is a surprise to anyone.  Men are more attracted to a thinner, more confident looking, healthier looking woman? Say it ain't so!!! Call the papers!!  Let's have a press conference. 

The first attraction men have to women is physical, that's nature and that's they way it will always be and there's nothing wrong with that.  The opposite is also true, although many women won't admit that.   Men were interested in you before, more are interested now..big deal.  

We fall in lust with the way you look...we fall in love with your personality....that's life!!!

Regardless of size, I think one is always wise to determine "why" a man is interested and to pay attention to his clues.

Does he really talk to you? by that, I mean..does he express enough interest in you as a person? your opinions and thoughts, your interests and experiences..if you tell him a story, is he really listening? does he have a lot to add to the conversation and seem perfectly content to spend time talking to you, or..is he sort of distant, in a hurry to ask you out or get you alone?

If you take your time, and really talk to a guy, I think you'll see which ones are truly interested in who you are, and which ones are more interested in the physical.

Don't get me wrong, of course it's good for a guy to be attracted to you, but of course if you're looking for a relationship and not just some casual fling, you need for him to really be into who you are, and to find that you're compatible in this way.

Original Post by littlegraycloud:

Sorry, gotta say it: be careful.  I'm all for the hump and dump, but just keep in mind that more than one in five Americans has genital herpes.  And having oral sex with more than five partners increases your chance of throat cancer by 250%.  And you could always find a crazy who will light you on fire.  So, just be careful out there.  Enjoy the heck out of it, but be careful. 

God.  Killjoy.

Just pretend you're seeing other people, even if you're not.  Keep the circumstances vague and most of the time guys will tone it down, or at least slow it down until they understand the deal/you've had a chance to get to know them.  And if they're still acting crazy..tell them off for being a weird f*ing stalker.