My mother is dying of cancer. I've come to accept it, even though it's taken me a very, very long time. At the rate that her health is deteriorating, she will probably die in the next couple weeks. I'm trying to spend time with her, but it's gotten very hard for her to focus and concentrate on people around her, and it's hard to talk or do any activity at all. But I know that it's important to her (and to me) to just spend time with her, regardless of what we're doing.
I am 19 years old, and I have two little sisters, ages 15 and 16. Our grandfather died six years ago and our uncle died last year, but otherwise we've been lucky and haven't had deaths in our family. I want to be a good role model and source of support for my little sisters, but I'm not even sure how best to deal with grief myself.
Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one, especially from cancer, any advice on surviving this awful experience, and helping younger siblings through it as well? Thank you.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother. It's terrible.
Every death in my family has been due to some sort of cancer and all of the people I have lost led healthy lives. Go figure.
Grief is such a personal thing. One thing I can say is allow yourself to mourn for her when it does happen. I was very close with my grandfather when he passed and I tried to just continue my life thinking if I acted strong I was strong. In the end, that really came back to bite me and it took me a year to actually accept and grieve for him. We made sure that everyone got something of his to keep. I always get sad when I think about it still, but sometimes it motivates me, like I want to make him proud.
You and your sisters are so young. I can't imagine such a loss; and your mother of all people. One thing that may help is to do things with your sisters to remember your mom healthy and happy. If it is not too hurtful, maybe you can put albums together with your favorite photos of her. You guys could chat about your favorite memories.
Maybe most importantly, in being the oldest, is to not take this on by yourself and carry your sisters through. You can be a good role model to them and support them so long as you take care of yourself as well. One thing I remember is being afraid to be happy again. Like I felt guilty to be happy having lost someone I loved, as if it was not fair that he was gone and I was here smiling. Learning to deal with that was huge. And remembering all the times I laughed with him reminded me that he would not want me to be sad. I am sure your mom would want it the same way.
This is one of those times where I really wanted to reply, but am not quite sure what to say. There are no words of comfort and there is no right way to grieve. Now that you have accepted what will happen, I suppose it's one day at a time. Take things as they come, at first the days will get harder and eventually they get easier.
I am so sorry, best wishes to all of you. Cherish these moments with her and smile for her.
Taylorn24 said it all. I can’t agree with her more. I’m soooo sorry that you have to experience this at such a young age. I lost my best friend 2 years ago (she was only 42). It takes a long time to get over the feelings of anger and resentment when you realize that that person is really never going to be in your life anymore. I dream about her at least twice a week…I’ll never forget her. I don’t know if this is making any sense or not, but I just wanted to respond to let you know that you will be okay and your mom wants you to be okay. Cherish the time you have with her now. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this very difficult time. Unfortunately, the only advice I can offer is to talk about it to anyone and everyone. Don’t hold in your feelings…you really need to express how you’re feeling in order to heal. Have faith and hold on to the memories.
Just remember, your grief is YOURS. No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. If you are sad for "too long" it is right for you, and if you are happy "before it is appropriate", then you are happy.
Your sisters will have their own grief, too. Yours won't look like theirs. Just be supportive, and love each other. If it would help, talk to clergy. If not, then talk to each other. Make a new tradition, where you tell stories about your mom on her birthday, not as a way to remember her death, but as a way to celebrate her life.
Hang in there, and God bless you and yours.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this at such a young age. I agree with the above - do things with your sisters to honor your mother's memory. Plant her favorite flowers or a tree, something that you can see and remember. If your mom is where she can see outside, plant something that she likes, even if it's just impatiens, now so that you can enjoy it together and make another memory.
Grief is definitely an individual thing and while you can be there for your sisters to make sure that they have someone to talk to about this you need to be able to express yourself as well. When my father died unexpectedly I was shell shocked for a long time. The year was drenched in personal tragedies for me and I never grieved properly. I took to writing a journal and putting ALL my feelings down - not just the hurt and devastation that I felt at my loss. The 3 of you might want to do the same.
I don't know that i have anything useful to add. people have already said some very wise things on this post. my mother died of cancer when i was 16 and my brother was 14. unfortunatly, she was the soul of our family, and we fragmented when she was gone. I wish that hadn't happened. I was very angry with my father for still being there when she wasn't which wasn't fair... but nothing about this kind of experience is fair. My father and i are close again, but my brother is still in left field even though we still love him.
I would say, spend time with your mom, even if it is just laying near her bed or reading to her... or whatever it is. Keep pictures from when she was healthy. you will really want them later. be very forgiving with yourself and your family. everyone will react in their own way and it will likely look diffrerent for each of you.
My heart goes out to you, your sisters, and the rest of the people who love your mother.
Thank you so much - everything you've said has been incredibly helpful. It's hard for me to talk to my friends about this, because while they are very supportive, it's hard for them to empathize because none of them have lost a parent. I just wanted to get a few thoughts off my chest and maybe talk to some people who have gone through a similar experience.
Again, thank you!
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