Dealing with the loss of a loved one?

Hello. My name is Erica and I am seventeen years old.

This past weekend (Friday exactly), I lost my boyfriend to a prescription drug overdose. It was a terrible accident, and he was in no way a bad person. He just had a problem, and I will never forgive myself for never helping him. I can't help but place full responsibility on myself for his death.

With that said, I haven't been able to talk to his family much, although I have been wanting to talk to them. I do know they're probably very upset with me because I was the last person to see him alive, and they also probably assume that I was a major contributor to his addiction. I don't blame them. I just want to be able to help the family and make things right. I want to be able to grieve and suffer with them.  I do feel I was just as big of a part of his life as they were.

As for myself, I've been a complete wreck these past few days. I've lost the drive to do what I normally do. I haven't been to the gym, I haven't been painting or drawing, I have HARDLY been able to shower, I couldn't take the pressure of school today and ditched it, and I haven't eaten much (I've only had 400 calories today), nor have I slept without waking up every ten minutes in a cold sweat. All I do is sit up in bed and stare blankly at the wall, clutching the things he left behind. And I've cried a lot. Its a surprise I got myself out of bed to use the computer, in all honesty.

I know that I'm in need of help. I just don't know where to look for it. This is my first time dealing with a death. Support groups and counseling has been suggested to me already, as well as "doing things to keep my mind off it". So has finding faith in a church, but I am not a religious person. I do want to find something to believe in for once, however.

And what do I do with myself? Time seems to go by so slowly since his death. Loneliness fills most of my days. He was my boyfriend and my best friend and I have realized that I do not feel whole without him.

I am in need of support and guidance.

Thank you.

Hi,

I understand what you are going through as my grandma passed this past year. what you are experiencing is normal , completely normal. I didn't need to talk to anyone--it just took time--lots of time and everyone is different. Maybe since you are in school, you can talk to your school counselor? or a friend? At least let your school counselor know so they understand y you are ditching school.....Talk to your parents and let them know you need some time off and then maybe they can work something out with the school to get your homework..... It's all about time and know that no one handles grief the same....Your grief is your own ...And his family may not be open to you--but just understand everyone does grieve in their own way....(((HUG)))

I have worked it out with my teachers on getting my work done, so theres no issue there, I assure you. I'm glad you say what I'm going through is normal, because I do not feel very sane lately. People tell me that taking time off from school and from every day things is a bad thing because I should never leave myself alone during a grieving period. I don't know whether or not that is true, but I'll decide what I should do for myself.

Thank you for your response.

Of course you feel low. You are grieving.  It's hard and very sad.  I am very sorry for your loss.  It would be abnormal for you not to be going through a rough time.  Try to find people to talk to about it, a counsellor at school?  It is very fresh and his family is probably in shock still.  Give them time.  Connect with your family if you can, journal, cry and allow yourself this time to grieve.

Sending you a huge hug.

my heart goes out to you.

i also send over a HUUUUGGGEEE hug!

I lost my partner in a bicycle accident seven years ago.  I still very clearly remember that twilight time of not being able to think or sleep or eat or do anything besides sit and cry.  It was really important for me to not force myself back into my daily reality too quickly.  After about a week or so, I went back to work part time, just to have something to do with my time.  Some people may find this creepy, but one of my greatest comforts was talking to him in my journal, writing in the second person.  I wrote to him about what I was going through, how my days went, stupid little things that I would have told him about if he were still around.  I kept those journals going for a few years, letting myself feel like he was still there if I needed to talk to him.  I still write in them every once in a while.  

I totally understand the extent of how bad this all sucks for you.  Take care of yourself.

Erica I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend, I am sure that he was a great person and being loved by you made his life so much better. 

I lost a close friend of mine 6 months ago, grieving is difficult and time consuming, and affects different people in different ways, his family will be suffering too but may show it differently.

Like you I went into myself, cried alot, couldn't do anything, I went to the supermarket in my slippers, walked out of work more than once, I kept texting him expecting him to respond.  I couldn't bring myelf to do anything "normal".

But as cliche as it is - time is a healer, do what you want right now, shout, cry, stare at walls, do try to look after yourself though, you are still here, eat a little, get a little fresh air, don't stop yourself thinking about him or force yourself to do anything that you are not ready for.  Things will strat to get easier a little bit at a time, you'll be just fine. Xx

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I lost my boyfriend in 2004 to an accidental drug overdose. I blamed myself for a long time, but I'm slowly learning I shouldn't have. Trust me, it's not your fault and it is totally normal to be a wreck. Like others have said, do whatever works for you. Go to the funeral if it will help, or stay away if you don't feel like going. I went on lots of walks - getting out and getting some fresh air helped. I didn't talk to people for a long time, but when I felt ready I met friends for a coffee - knowing the meeting would only be an hour or so helped me to not be overwhelmed. I also planned a trip overseas and spent 9 months travelling Asia alone. It really helped me see that I can still exist and have experiences alone, and that my life goes on. It also gave me something else to focus on.

I'll add you as a friend - PM me if you like. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

I work for a church (don't worry- I won't get all uber religious on you) and grief counseling is one of my areas of expertise.  Everything you are experiencing right now is normal and to be expected.  Whoever is telling you that you don't need a grieving period is WRONG.  Most people need anywhere from 1 week-1 month (depending on how hard the loss hits them, ability to cope with stress, etc.) before returning to their pre-death schedule.  You have to ease up on yourself and tell those pressuring you they need to back off.

The first year after a death is the hardest.  You will have b-days, holidays, anniversaries and they will be the first time you'll go through him without him.  The first year is especially filled with ups and downs, good days and bad.  They are all HEALTHY parts of a NORMAL grieving process. 

How long will your parents and the school let you take off?  Give yourself as much of a break from academics as is possible and maybe talk to the guidance counselor at school about what you can do while you're struggling.  You need to take "baby" steps to return to normal.  Once you get going back to school handled, then add the next step- trying to eat a reasonable amount of food every day.  Then, convince yourself to go for a 10 minute walk after a few more days.  Every few days or week, add something new to your list to help return to "normal".  It will be hard but you will get there.  Also, I don't know if you were involved in any type of drug use yourself but, if so, the time to stop is NOW.  It will only make things worse and you'll put yourself at risk.

Your boyfriend's parents might WANT to talk to you but don't know how.  They may want to know what he last said, how his last hours were spent, and things like that.  If you aren't comfortable calling them, try writing a note or letter and see how they respond.  That will keep you from putting yourself in an awkward position but also open the door to letting them know you want and need to grieve with them.

I highly recommend reading "No Time for Good-Byes" by Jannis Harris Lord.  I also recommend checking out http://www.centerforloss.com/ and reading anything by Alan Wolfsfelt on grief.  He is one of the world's most profound grief experts.  Counseling or support groups shouldn't be ruled out but they aren't for everyone.  Maybe give it a try or see if there's one in your area geared specifically towards sudden losses.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

First, I am so sorry for your loss.  It is going to be hard, but with support you'll get through it.  Please seek help in whatever form you think will help you.  Whether it be talking to a close friend, getting therapy or even writing in a journal.  It will make it so much easier. Is there a school conselor that you can talk to?  They can help you find a grief conselor.  They can also help you deal with the guilt you are feeling about his death and help you realize that it was out of your control and in no way your fault.

The first couple of months are actually kind of the easiest in a weird way, at least for me it was when my stepmom passed.  It hadn't actually sunk in yet and I was kind of mentally numb.  It wasn't until a couple of months later when things came crashing down.  The first christmas was the hardest.

Thank you, everyone.

For those who are wondering if I did drugs or if I'm still doing them, I'm not. I flushed out everything in my house without hesitation. It helps knowing that I won't ever let myself suffer the same fate like my boyfriend. I would love to talk to his family, but I only have his older brother's number. I'm waiting patiently for a phone call from his family, but my fear is that they won't call me at all.

I felt better today than I have since he died, and a part of me feels guilty for feeling better. Its strange, I know. I do talk to him when I'm alone. I came home from school today and I sat in bed and told him about my day. I would normally do that anyway had he been alive. I always called him after school since we went to different schools. I find comfort in talking to him, even if he doesn't respond.

Thank you Merylwhite, I feel relieved knowing that someone went through the same thing I'm going through now. I will PM you sometime in the future.  (:

Hi Erica,

I'm relatively new to CC and I was browsing through and saw your post. I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my husband almost 5 years ago in a car accident (we were both in the car). I too went through all the feelings you are having. I agree with earlier posters who mentioned journaling and reading books by Alan Wolfelt. I've heard him speak and he's amazing. I also recommend a book called "Seven Choices" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Lots of personal stories are included in the book and you'll find yourself thinking "so I'm not the only one who feels that way".

I'm glad you were having a good day. After my husband died, I felt guilty sometimes for having fun or laughing. But then I realized it was all part of the healing process.  I thought of it as the tears come out so I can let the laughter in. It was a "cleansing" in a way. Don't feel guilty if you feel better. It's ok. :)

I still talk to my husband sometimes and tell him about my day. When odd things happen, I picture him laughing right along with me. :)

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat sometime. :)

Hello. I actually started a similar thread not so long ago. I lost my father two whole summers ago this June. It's hard. This thread caught by eye because of of the similiar wording to my own post. To be honest it's something I struggle to make peace with to this day. A lot of people will suggest counsel to you. They will suggest that you speak with your elders. Parents, teachers, ect.  To make sure that you have your head on your shoulders. They wouldn't want you to fall behind in school or life. They wouldn't want you to be in a position to harm yourself, ect. It's important to keep your connection strong to your support groups. Friends, family, and school. Ect. Those are the basics people give combined with I'm sorry's. People will try to take you to their churches for guidance too. I'm Catholic. Everyone wanted me to come to their church thereafter. It was sweet. I wasn't even ready to go to my own at the time though.

Personally: I talk to my dad sometimes. He doesn't talk back or anything insane. Lol. I just talk to him about my life. I started doing this as a way to bring me closure. I caught myself looking at his urn. " Thinking: God, I wish I could talk to him for a little while. " Telling God:"There would be so much more to say if he were with me today."  Now: I tell him about problems, failures, successes, about my daughter. As time goes by I'm glad he reach a better place. I feel like he's gone too soon and I'm not ready to say Good bye though. So... I still talk to him any time I want/need. I feel that he can hear me, see me, and watch over me.

That would be my ultimate words of wisdom to you. :) It doesn't matter if you believe in God or a thereafter. There's something healing in talking to my dad for me. He listens as I share things with him still yet.

There are no longer any unfinished words lingering between us. I've talked things through to my father. I've told him everything I otherwise wouldn't have had the chance to say. There isn't anything I'm unable to share with him now.

It helps to talk to them.

Feel free to PM me sometime if you want to talk. I'm still grieving with the death of my father. It's a struggle to deal with the loss of a loved one. Be sad. It's okay. It's normal. It's also okay to be happy too. Remember that.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Original Post by tallgal1:

 

I still talk to my husband sometimes and tell him about my day. When odd things happen, I picture him laughing right along with me. :)

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat sometime. :)

 It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that finds solace in this. :)

Erica,

Oh sweetheart my heart goes out to and my thoughts are with at this tragic time.

I work for a funeral directors and everything you are experiencing at this time is all part of the grieving process, something I thought was just a saying until my dad was killed 6yrs ago by a hit and run driver – unexplainable feelings, sense of loss, guilt and questioning yourself, anger. My advice I would give to you is not to think you have a set period in which to grieve – a mistake I personally made burying my head into the court case and worrying over my Mum. You need the time for yourself try not to question yourself or keep saying what if …….. believe me you can drive yourself insane constantly trying to find reasons why this terrible thing happened. Believe it or not you will smile and laugh again honest and when you think of him it will be with a smile and a warm heart and not these feelings of loss and sadness that you feel today. If you need a chat anytime add me and pm me –BIG HUGS - xxx