Dealing With Unsupportive Parent...Advice?

So I'm having trouble staying motivated. I've been working through binge eating disorder over the last five years, and this summer, have sort of begun to finally see a bit of progress.

What tends to lead me back to binges however is my mother. It took her a year and a half to admit that I in fact had a problem with bingeing: to a great extent, she still insists that the only reason I MAY have a problem is because I'm "lazy" and "don't go out". What she fails to understand is that the bingeing has done a number on my self-esteem (which has from the get-go been nonexistent), and as a result, I'm ashamed of being looked at. If I felt good about myself, if I felt as though I had a shred of support as I try to get my life back, then of course I'd be going out!

I've always had an issue regarding self-esteem, and once again, my mother contributed heavily in that department. Growing up, I was always the daughter who stuck close to mom (whereas my sister was "daddy's girl"), and also being the youngest, I think my mother became overly protective of me, making decisions for me, speaking on my behalf (something she continues to do, much to my embarrassment), and just basically making me feel inept. As I matured and began using make-up and becoming concerned with styling my hair, all I ever heard from her was,

"Why bother? No one's looking at you, anyway."

And then every so often, she'll say,

"What you're wearing does nothing for you. It looks awful."

When I tell her that it doesn't matter, cause no one's looking at me anyway, she says,

"EVERYONE'S looking at you."

Not a good thing to tell your highly self-conscious daughter with BED. Her long tirades about how terrible my clothing is, and how heavy it makes me look will actually give me panic attacks. As I try to ignore her, my breathing becomes short and shallow, I get dizzy, anxious, etc. And often the only source of comfort is a long binge--sort of a way of showing her it doesn't matter what she or anyone else thinks of me. If I had a quarter for every time I heard her tell me I look NICE, I'd have 25 cents. The lack of support is just not encouraging. I'm just having trouble negotiating these mixed messages in my head--on the one hand, no one's looking at me, and yet everyone is looking at me? The latter statement I find particularly hard to deal with, as I was sexually assaulted back in January (some a**lick thought my offering of directions meant, "Take me, I'm yours"). The idea that everyone (ie. every heterosexual male) is looking at me is one I find particularly disturbing and frightening. So naturally I don't want to draw too much attention to myself through my appearance. My mother knows about the incident, and insisted that sexual assault is totally normal, and that I shouldn't report it, because these things happen all the time. I reported it the very next morning, thankyouverymuch. To have your own mother respond that way when she can see that you're traumatized and scared is painful.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at here is how can I talk to my mother about what it is about her behavior that bothers me? It seems like a really obvious, stupid question, but my mother's very stubborn and defensive. As soon as you imply that she's done something wrong, or has hurt you, she tells you you're being crazy, overdramatic, and that you should be expecting your period soon. And then come the tears and the yelling, and nothing is resolved. I would like the tension in our relationship to start to disappear, as it's really been detrimental to my staying motivated.

I'm sorry for the long-winded sob story, but if anyone can offer a morsel of advice without being snarky, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Not only is your mother not being supportive, it seems like she is the main reason you developed your ED. Since talking to her hasn't worked.. does your dad or your siblings know about this verbal and emotional abuse from your mom? If they don't, I think you should explain what you are going through and the harmful relationship that you have with your mom. Perhaps they can reason with her or maybe do something about it.

However, if other family members DO know about this and has not done to improve such treatment from your mom, maybe it's time to reach outside of family for not only support of weight loss/ED recovery but also to heal yourself from such abuse. Seek out a counselor or therapist in your area. You might recover from ED and lose all the weight but what's the point if your mom attacks you constantly and you have no self esteem/confidence because you are hurt every day??

I see that you have graduated from HS. What about college? Can you get a job? Perhaps you can move out and live on your own away from abuse. Sorry I can't be much of help but best of luck.

Dude, you're old enough to move out. Get the hell away from that.

I am sorry to hear that your mom is this way.  I grew up in a household much like this.  All I can tell you is that you can NOT talk to your mother about her behavior.  She may NEVER admit that she has done any wrong.  I tried with my mom all of my adult life.  I am 40 now and she has never admited that she was unfair to me.

BUT - you can do a lot to heal yourself and your relationship with your mother.

1.  Recognize that your mother is as she is.  She is human.  She is flawed and she is not always right and sometimes she is neurotic.  Accept that this is how she is.

2. Relaize that no matter how she is you are NOT To blame.  YOU are not her misery.  She is miserable in herself and you just happen to get the brunt of it.  If you were not around her misery would be piled on someone else. 

3.  Realize that no matter how wrong she is you can not make her see that she is wrong.  You can not change her behavior.  There are no magic words, there is no perfect situation that will be a set up to make her listen.  She has to mature for herself and you can not force that change to happen.

4.  Do not make your mother's approval of any importance.  She can not give it.  This is her failing - not yours. 

4.  You don't have to put up with her behavior.  You can change how you react to her and that in turn will change how she is towards you.  Figure out what you do now and conciously change what you do in the future.  But always be positive.  Avoid negativity.  She will feed of negativity and make you feel worse.  If you can do nothing else, ignore her remarks.  Do your best to just let them roll off your back.  If you do not react - she will have no fuel and WILL give up.

5.  Spend time thinking, for yourself, why you are a wonderful person.  Be your own best friend and cheerleader.  Every day wake up and tell yourself you can do what ever you want to do.  Know it to be true!  And set your own standards and be proud of yourself.  Long after your mother is gone the only person who can cheer you on will be yourself.  Start now.  Live it now. 

I am sorry your mother is not the way a mother should be.  It is very difficult to be in this situation.  But please realize, above all else, that you are not the person your mother tells you you are.  She probably tells you things like "I know you better than you know yourself" and since you are young you probably have believed this.  This is not true.  What she "knows" is full of her own self deceoption, her own flawed perception and misguided attempts at wisdom.  In short - she has made up a story in her head and is sticking with it despite evidence to the contrary. 

We want our mothers to be wonderful.  We want our mothers to raise us up and cheer us on.  But not all mothers are like this.  Do your best to see her shining moments and forgive her flaws.  If you can be a strong person her weaknesses will not matter so much.

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I have only skimmed over these posts however let me tell your something about a NORMAL person:

A normal mother would be MORTIFIED at the very SUGGESTION of sexual assault. That is THE NORMAL HUMAN RESPONSE

ANY NORMAL mother who’s daughter is assaulted would feel a STRONG REACTION.

The fact your mother brushed of the incident means she does not process feelings normally. Something is not normal or right with your mother. Only a professional can help her.

You do not have a mother who thinks in a way that allows her to be a good role model; DO NOT let her faults shape who you are! RECOGNIZE the things that ARE NOT NORMAL about your mother, so you do not follow in her footsteps!

There is a wide spectrum of "normal".  At the far end of the scale are mothers who can not admit abuse.  Not because they are hard hearted or cruel.   But because in acknowledging abuse they feel they have to admit some failing in themselves.  They feel that acknowledging abuse is admiting that they failed to be a good mother or even a good person. 

I was abused by my cousin for years and later I was abused by an older man who was a friends family friend.  When I told my mother of these things she told me not to "make waves", "liar", "attention seeker", "manipulative" etc. 

I stuck by the truth but if the subject ever came up for whatever reason she would pretend she did not remember.  Or perhaps she found it more convenient to push aside what I had told her to protect her own feelings.  In any case, as I said, I am now in my 40s and my mother still does not acknowledge the truth I have told her.  In her eyes I have made it all up.

But given that there are many, many mothers and fathers like this, I venture that "normal" is not quite so black and white.  Saying to yourself "mother is not normal" is not very helpful.  It will not help anyone tackle these very difficult personalities. 

I know how confusing these kind of mothers can be.  On one hand they seem perfectly capable and able as mothers.  They have been your "rock" since childhood and you probably learned to listen to your mother really well.  So when you see contrary behavior it is confusing.  Does she really love me?  Why does she treat me like this?

But at the core of anyone is the fact that they are human.  Humans are confused, irratic, irrational, and weak.  Humans don't always make sense or know how to make sense of everything.  But what makes us human and not just another animal is that we have the ability to grow and change and learn from our failings.  But not everyone will grow the way we want them to. 

The best you can do is to strengthen your own character.  Stand by yourself even when others can not be there for you. 

I learned a long time ago that my mother "loves" me but it is not the kind of love that I think a mother should give.  It is not an easy going love.  She can is NOT capable of being my cheerleader.  She is not capable of selflessness in her love.  To her, if I am flawed in some way it is because she failed in some way.  She made me right?  So seeing me is seeing her failings. 

That is mighty sad of course.  But only after I accepted that my mother was never going to be the mother I wanted was I able to put aside my anger and sadness.  And it was only after putting aside my anger and sadness that I was able to develop an almost "normal" mother / daughter relationship.

Of course my mother is not yours and I am not you.  But maybe you can see something in what I have said that will be of help to you. 

Okay - normal/not normal is not my point then.

I think there is something WRONG in the way a mother or father thinks, if they do not flinch or even care if their child is abused.

It is NOT the ideal or optimal way for a person to think.

Look I am no expert, but I do know that when a child is sexually abused, particularly a girl, a mother SHOULD be VERY disturbed. My own mothers reaction is the way a person SHOULD feel.

When I say “ SHOULD” I mean when they do not have major fundamental issues. My mum is also very selfless, unlike your mother.

I understand what you said - about why your mother/some mothers do not want to acknowledge abuse because it is about hwo they failed as mothers. Very selfish. Something is wrong for them to think that way.

Yes.  There is something wrong with them.  But then the victim still has to deal with their parents and themselves.  It took me years - my entire adult life.  But I realized that knowing this is OK and it is OK to acknowledge you cant change how your parents are.  So what you are left with is yourself.  That is the only part you have to make work.

What a fascinating thread. My mother is exactly the same way, and it's interesting to see the different approaches here. I agree that the attitude of "it's just what happens" comes as a result of the mother having been abused herself, thus developing a kind of learned helplessness.

I'm 36, and still I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough for my mother... despite my always having received a lot of flattering and/or frightening attention from both sexes. Leaving home was the best thing I ever did, to cut down on all the negative reinforcement of my body image. I'd have left sooner, if I had known how to do it.

Now, whenever my mother says something crushing, I say to myself, "she's wrong, so it doesn't matter."

Because she is wrong. And it doesn't matter.

Thank you all for the advice. :) 

I've since decided to stop trying to change her behavior, and JUST to focus on myself. She told me that she went to see a therapist last year (after I had told her that my cousins think that she needed to see one, which is true). She said all she needed was one session, and that the shrink decided that the case was closed, and that she could see so much more clearly, et cetera. Apparently, that didn't help. Yes, it bothers me so much that she's unfazed by my issues. It bothers me that every time I turn around, she's stuffing herself with chips, chocolate, pastries, and soft drinks. It bothers me that her mother is her only friend and source of companionship (although "frenemy" may be a more fitting term). It bothers me that she's all talk and no action. But I've realized that she's in her mid-50s, and there is not a thing I can do to change her behavior. In focusing on how self-destructive she is, I just wound myself tighter and tighter, and, unable to change her, I'd go on crazy binges, convinced that I was failing her. I've accepted that she's the only one who can make a change in her life. I've got my whole life in front of me, and I'm wasting the best years of my life fixated on her. If she wants to eat and sulk herself to death, then sadly, that's her decision. It's been a week and a half since my last binge. Hoping my spirits remain high. :)

Again, thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. 

Well done, you, for taking that step back! May your personal strength grow from this small beginning.