Have you ever dealt with an abusive father?

My dad is abusive, towards my mother. He does however threaten that he will hit me though. Like for example on Easter, i was really sick and i didn't want to go with everyone to my aunts because i had the flu and i was just in no mood to get out of bed and get ready to go socialize with everyone for hours upon hours. So he flips out to my mother about me not going and then makes me get up and get ready and when i wasn't ready in the half hour that he gave me to shower and get myself fixed nice, he FLIPPED and he started going off on me like crazy yelling and shouting and grabbing me to go out to the car and continued all the way on the trip there and i am not going to sit there and take his bullshit games thinking he controls everyone in the house because he threatens physical force ( i box by the way ) so he says "oh yeah you want to be like that and ill stop this car and we'll see how many rounds you last with me, boxing wont help you" and then my mom finally tells him to stop. I hate the guy, i never call him my father and i probably haven't been nice to him in atleast 2 yrs because of the things he does to my mother. He degrades her TERRIBLY and is abusive, physically and verbally. Hes verbally abusive to all his children though. Mind you he does this in front of me (16), my 2 brothers (8 and 18 months) and my sister (also 8).

Today i think he crossed the line.. to me atleast. My mother and him were arguing and he cheated on her about 2 months ago and he was being really cruel to her saying harsh words and she told him to leave and he said "okay ill be going to amys house" which is the woman he had an affair with. So she slapped him and he slapped her and then continued to try and hurt her and he hit my BABY brother in the head. I FLIPPED i was so scared i was shaking because i thought something happened to the baby so i raced up the stairs to find out what happened and dialed 911 and my mother grabs the phone off me and tells me to hang it up. WHY!!!!!!! JUST PLEASE some one answer me WHY she does this when she could have it solved, when he could be taken away just please tell me why he can't just LEAVE. Why wont she divorce him why wont she let me get him arrested and put in jail where he belongs. I can't take it anymore i truely can't its breaking me down and ive developed an eating disorder over it because im so worried about being degraded myself by him the way he does it to the mother by calling her fat and ugly and lazy.

Im sorry this is so long but i really need to vent. Has anyone else ever had a father who abused their mother and threatened u? What happened?

I've never been in this situation, so I can't give you a personal perspective.  But I work in the courts and hear stories like this all too often.  Is there a school counselor or teacher that you can talk to about the situation?  There isn't much you can do as far as him abusing your mother, I'm afraid.  But it's important that somebody knows what's going on because violence can escalate and you need to protect yourself and your siblings.  I'm very sorry that your mother isn't considering how this situation is affecting you.  Please, please find somebody you can talk to and if the man EVER, EVER hits you, or if you EVER see him hit your siblings, call the police or the child protective service where you live and report him.  His behavior is unacceptable.

I want to report him, i really really do but he also is friends with every cop in this town and plays this goody good role with them and they'd never believe it. The judge is one of his best friends. I just feel like in court he'd win whatever it may be. And even when i've tried calling 911 like i said, my mom makes me hang up

Yeah, my father is abusive towards my mother and they both tend to be abusive towards me, heh.

But if your mum doesn't want you to report it then there's nothing you can really do except make sure that the baby is kept out of his way.  

There are other people you can talk to, like people at school or gym or your doctor.  Do you live in a small town?  Many cities or counties will have a Child Protective Service agency that investigates reports of child abuse or child endangerment.  They work with the police, but are often separate agencies.  Anytime he hits you or any of your brothers and sisters, go to the doctor or the school nurse and report it.  If there are no witnesses, it's harder for the judge to verify that you're telling the truth.  But if you have somebody who sees your injuries and understands your story, it's much harder for the judge to think that you're making it up.  You can also tell them about how he treats your mother, but again, unless the situation is putting you and your siblings in danger there probably isn't much that you can do.

It must be hard not to blame your mother in this situation and be angry with her for not helping herself (and you).  I would recommend that you google "battered wife syndrome" or "battered woman syndrome" and read about it because it could be contributing to the situation.

From wikipedia, on battered woman syndrome:

In lay terms, this is a reference to any person who, because of constant and severe domestic violence usually involving physical abuse by a partner, becomes depressed and unable to take any independent action that would allow him or her to escape the abuse. The condition explains why abused people often do not seek assistance from others, fight their abuser, or leave the abusive situation. Sufferers have low self-esteem, and often believe that the abuse is their fault. Such persons usually refuse to press criminal charges against their abuser, and refuse all offers of help, often becoming aggressive or abusive to others who attempt to offer assistance.

Well i dont think that we should be like omitted to an abuse center or anything because he hasnt hit any of US he just threatens it but he will hit her and not hesitate once about it. I dont think we need to go to one of those homes seriously, we dont. Its not an every night thing but it is a weekly thing. It has happened plenty of times where i can't count. But im just so confused on why she won't just divorce him and leave... i dont see why she puts herself through it, today i wrote her an email expressing what i feel about it because i start crying if i talk about it and then i cant say what i want to cause i become hysterical since its so bottled up, im hoping it'll open up her eyes when she reads it..

What about your grand parents, her parents?  Can they help you guys?  Or does she have any sisters, brothers, close friends? 

My gram wouldn't say anything because i think shes afraid my mom would just shun away whatever she'd have to say. My aunts and uncles know i dont like him. They just dont truely understand WHY, ya know? She has 4 other brothers and sisters and i could easily talk to any of them but they'd never do anything i think they'd just listen to me and thats it..

Sounds scary and sad...i dont know what to tell you.  I think the email was a great idea.  Talk to your aunts and uncle anyway.  Is this ur step dad, right, i think i remember reading that?  Is the baby his full child?

I work at a women's center and the best thing you can do now at this stage is call a crisis hotline.  This number, 1-800-799-SAFE, is the National Domestic Violence Hotline.  You will speak to a trained professional and they'll be able to give you great options and understanding.  Good luck & God Bless!

I have been there when I was growing up but there was no help back then. Dad would beat up mom, she would say things to get him mad, but there is no excuse for any one to ever hit someone. He would leave, they would separate and then she'd take him back. I don't know what to tell you. Since he has a girl friend why isn't he gone. Why does your mom still want him there? Her self esteem is gone. And they may be codependent. Are you close with any of your aunts? I stayed with my aunt and grandmother alot. Maybe they would let you stay with them. I work at a school and there are people there that can help if you talk to them. I know it's hard to think that child services may pull all of you while investagating but sometimes they let children stay with family members and it may be the wake up call your mom needs. She also may be afraid of how she will provide for you kids. She may not beable to see that she'd be better off without him. My parents finally gave it up after 20 yrs. Good luck to you hon, say a prayer for you. (hugs)

i would never leave her and the kids, id be too afraid of what would happen if i WASNT there. And yes the baby is his full child.. im the only step child.

Kdubya38 - Honey - you've got to help your mom see that your step-father is BAD.  I'm oldest of three, all three of us kids have different fathers so we're all half siblings with each other.  I'm 25 now, my brother is 21 now and my sister is 13 now.

My sister's father was JUST LIKE THAT - but he was an alcoholic too, on top of the abusive behavior. 

IT IS NOT OKAY for him to just verbally abuse you children!  Verbal abuse is JUST as damaging emotionally as if he were beating you guys black n blue!

It took a lot for my mom to finally leave him.

I remember one fight where, when my mom was 3 mos pregnant with my sister!!! he had her cornered and was trying to make her have a miscarriage!!!! by beating on her stomach!  Fortunately, my sister was fine and didn't suffer any problems. 

I know the feeling of not wanting to leave for fear of what would happen to the younger kids - for those years, I felt that all I had was my brother and sister. 

There was even a time when he tried to come at me.  He was angry that someone forgot to flush the toilet and came into my room (even though it was my brother who forgot to flush) and I was in there dressing so all I had on was my bra, underwear and socks.  He grabbed me by the back of my hair, above my neck and pulled me down the hallway into the bathroom and proceeded to shove my face into the toilet all the while screaming that I forgot to flush.

Another time, (again, my brother neglecting his chores and didn't clean the cat box - one of the cats had done a #2 under the diningroom table) he pulled me into the diningroom (again I was getting dressed for school at the time so I'm in my skivvies..) he threw me under the table and made me pick up the pooh with my bare hands while he watched. Then he made me clean the dirty cat box with my bare hands, again, while he watched.  I had a chance to call 911 once, but was too scared of what he would do to me - I've never been a physical person so I was not confident that I could defend myself against him - he was 6'4, fit and strong.  To this day, I still wish I had grabed that phone and called for help!

You've got to stand your ground!  If he hits you, then you call 911 and he'll be tossed in jail for child abuse (take pictures of the bruises and what not if that happens - proof speaks louder than just accusations without proof).  Next time you hear them fighting (especially if you see him hitting her) take the babies into a room with a phone without drawing attention to yourself or the kids and call 911.  Quietly report the issue.  Your mother may not be thinking clearly right now and his verbal abuse has broken her down to think she deserves his treatment.  She stopped you because she feels like she deserves it.  You've got to get him out and help your mom heal emotionally from this torment. 

I'm with you, honey - Stay strong!!!

Please feel free to add me as a friend - I'm more than happy to help in any way i can.

Take care!!! (BIG HUGS!!!)

Yes, i've had one guy my mum was with threaten to kill my mum infront of me and then kill me.... i was young then, apparently he didn't mean it but to a 6 year old what is said is true.

My ex stepdad used to force himself upon my mum - i found this out after my mum left him when i was 14. He was mentally abusive also.

I guess maybe there are many reasons your mum puts up with it, from financial security to maybe he's made her feel she deserves it. I'm sorry to hear you're living with this, it's horrible. All i can say. is i hope your mum finds the strength to stop it, and take grace in the fact you don't have to stay there forever.

I just want to add a side note that all the things I wrote yesterday in reply to this, happened 12 years ago - it has taken my mom all this time to recover from the emotional abuse she suffered from being married to my sister's father for just a couple of years! She just bought her first house in 20some years and just last year married her highschool sweetheart and she's finally happy and healthy. 

I will keep you in my prayers!

God Bless!

I'm sorry to hear that kdubya38. I would suggest you to log down everytime he hit your mom and your siblings and report it to your school counsellor or even your school homeroom teacher. It's nothing to be worried about. Neither does your mom or any of you deserve this kind of treatment.

I have 100% support on you. If next time you feel like to vent, feel free to talk to us. You're welcome to add me as a friend.

Oh and one thing I would really like to get the idea over here, do not let him influence your teenagehood. Life at your age is full of wonders and energy. Don't let him bring you down. And if you feel really tense around him, go talk to a reliable adult. However I won't suggest you to talk to a friend since they might not know how to help you. Talk to your uncles and aunts, even if they don't want to get involved, just ask them to listen to you. So at least there's someone who KNOWS what's going on.

God bless.

I have been in this situation but I don't have time to write much. My situation was way worse. My father molested me for 5 years straight and my mom mever knew about it until 2004. I was seriously messed up. Not only did he molest me, but he abused my mother physically and verbally. Today, he is getting serious help for that and I am free from it. Hope this helped some!

Hey hun! hows things going with this situation?

First of all -- how are you now?  I am a social worker and think I can help you.  If you have more questions, my email address is sasha26alexander@aol.com 

This is a really tough situation.  There are no easy answers and the system is not always helpful.  First of all, even if your father knows the police in town, if they get called to your house for a domestic disturbance, they must intervene.  The important thing you should know, if social services gets involved it is possible for your family to get split up by department of social services -- but safety should be your first concern.  I give you a lot of credit trying to get some help. 

As an answer to why your mom won't leave -- it isn't usually that easy for several reasons.  1) She may be worried about how she is going to raise, feed, and clothe four children 2) when people are abused often the thing that keeps them in the situation is pure fear. (He may have threatened to hurt one of you if she tells on him) 

Truth is, your mom seems like she is taking a brunt of the hitting to try and keep you and the other kids safe -- be careful not to villianize her for that. 

Going to a school counselor is a good idea -- they are mandated to report things like this (so are teachers).   The more help you get, the better.  Remember you still have a life to live and you shouldn't have to live it with fear or holding on to this much anger.  What state do you live in?  I will look up services to see what is really available to you. 

I am sorry you are going through this and the other children are also. Its really upsetting that he would hit anyone, but a baby is so innocent and cannot defend themselves in anyway. I wouldnt place full blame on your step-father, though because its a mothers job to protect her children and make them feel like home is safe and stable, especially to keep you all from harm. I know it isnt her fault that he does it, but still she has a responsibility as a mother. And I am glad you e-mailed her just maybe she will realize that. I think you should tell family or a counselor even if you *think* they wont believe you. I know you have to have neighbors, do you think they hear or see what is going on? I wonder if you could trust one of them enough to let them know, or maybe run to their house when it happens again next? Also, if you think there is any room with a strong enough door to not knock down or unlock, try next time locking yourself in there and calling 911 and not coming out until the police or Children Services got there. If you feel ANY bit of doubt that someone would get in the room at you please do not do this! I cannot believe how strong you are and I am so proud that you e-mailed your mother! I want you to update us and let us know what is going on.