a dear abby style question...

I need some opinions on this, because it is causing a lot of fighting and i want to know if my opinion is simply biased (i won't say what it is.) Here is the issue:

Someone (who we will call kyle) has chosen to move across Canada to live with his girlfriend. she supports this, although it means that kyle is giving up an opportunity to complete his masters (on scholarship) where he is. Kyle's parents are not so supportive, and are angry at his girlfriend (Ali) for supporting the move. So when Kyle asked for help shopping for move related things, Kyle's parents agreed, but asked him not to bring Ali because they don't want to speak to her. Now kyle won't speak to his parents, and they are at a loss - they honestly didn't think they could be polite and thought they were doing the best thing, keeping her away. Is Kyle right to be hurt? Did the parents have the right to be angry? Any opinions from an aspiring columist?

of course the parents have a right to be upset..its his education.. however, "Kyle" also has the right to want to move.. I guess Ali and Kyle need to give his parents a break and let them deal with this on their own...they'll come around

Well being a parent of college aged girls I'm gonna put my 2 cents in.

I think the parents are only concerned because basically Kyle is throwing away an opportunity that will never be available again - and its for a girl.  I know from my own experience when I didn't take advantage of a great opportunity and it was because I wanted to be with a boy I later regretted that decision.  

I can understand the parents anger toward Ali and not wanting to be around her just yet.  They probably will need time to cool off.  

I don't want to rush this couple but maybe if wedding plans were being discussed or planned maybe the parents would see the kids see this as a permanent relationship and not just bf/gf situation. 

Wow. I have to wonder why Ali is supporting this. I have to wonder why Kyle thinks this is a good idea. And I have to wonder who brought up moving and living together, Kyle, or Ali?

If Kyle is old enough and mature enough to toss away a scholarship and his masters to move across a continent to live with his girlfriend, he's old enough to shop for "move related things" without his parents. Geez.

And the parents are old enough to be upset with Kyle himself; from what's been presented here, it doesn't sound as though Ali is kidnapping Kyle. If they want to direct their anger to a specific person (rather than simply expressing their disappointment for this opportunity that is going to be lost), they might as well direct it toward Kyle, who is, after all, making this move and is old enough to make his own mistakes decisions.

IOW, no one is off the hook here! :-D

Being mad at your kids...to the level of alienating someone they care about will serve ONLY to push your kids away. His parents should realize this. If they were smart - they would talk to Ali....and ask her how she could possibly allow someone she loves to make such an incredible sacrifice (maybe they dont know whats really going on, maybe the bigger sacrifice would be to stay, maybe he doesnt even WANT to go to grad school and Ali is just an excuse). His parents could convey their knowledge/experience in relationships - that true love helps you to find the road that is in your lovers best interest (and therefore in YOUR best interest too!).

Kyle, if he has good reasons for making his decision - should talk to his parents in a mature way....and indicate that while he understands their perspective, he will not allow Ali to be alienated. And that he hopes they will change their mind soon, because their presence in his life is extremely important.

Coming from a place of love and concern can ALSO mean coming from a compassionate place instead of an angry one.

People can be so quick to place blame and be reactionary :(

I can see why said parents are angry, it is such an opportunity kyle is giving up, and come on relationships dont always last.

 But perhaps kyle does not really want the masters? Perhaps he feels its not for him but doesnt really want to say that?

If he is 18 the parents are at fualt its his life he can do what he wants, his paretns would be stupid to throw years of relationship with their son away over something so small....

giggle - I don't think a masters degree is "small"  Heck I would be mad if it was just an associates degree - obviously he must be older than 18 unless he was a child prodigy cuz usually a masters is sought after you complete at least a 4 yr degree. 

I do agree though that he is old enough to be shopping for stuff himself and he needs to tell his parents the real reason he's dropping out of school and moving to live with a girlfriend.

Parents dont have a right to be mad... its HIS life (which means whatever HE decides to do is the right thing in the end... because thats who should be deciding, him).

You can try talking to him, explaining things to him... but whatever HE decides should be respected.

School and a masters can always be gotten later in life (though its harder, its not a burnt bridge). You might not agree with his priority or understand why he is doing something... but again... its his life to live (and make mistakes), not yours.

now this is just my opinion

i dont know how old kyle is but i have a 17 year old son and i cannot stand his girlfriend, i donot like her, my son knows this and she knows this, i told her i do not believe a thing she says nor do i trust her but for some reason my son does , sooooo i allow her to come over and i am polite to her sometimes its hard but i would only hurt my son, i can however have control as to how much she comes over

i guess it comes down to

we all teach our kids right from wrong but we cant be with them 24/7 we just hope when they make a decision they make the right one, we have all made bad decisions but did we learn from them

thats what we teach our kids 

Parents... I don't like the sound of any parents who blame "everything" on the girlfriend. Maybe Kyle's parents have always told him what to do and when to do it (and what moving-related things to buy) and now they are put out because the girlfriend is doing the telling. C'mon OP reveal your opinion!!

Considering the OP is *tries to do math...* umm....something like 19, im guessing she is the girlfriend >< hehe (and im guessing the OP is a she from the name.. )

I should have been a detective!!

Being a parent we do have the right to be mad!  Maybe heartbroken is a better word to explain how I personally would feel if this were my kid.  We want only for our kids to have a better life than we did.  We want them to be happy but we also want them to make good decisions.  If moving in with the GF is going to make kyle happy then good but I still have the right to be mad at this GF for what in my mind is ruining my son - that is my motherly opinion to all you youngsters out there- that is why we say what we say.

 

And of course "Just wait til you have kids of your own" LOL 

Wow... so many replies. Thanks for your input guys. To clarify: "Kyle" is 23, "Ali" is 24 and they have dated for 4 years, lived together for 2. Kyle now claims not to want his masters, yet he did want it until it became clear that moving was the only way to stay with the girlfriend. A lot of your points are valid, and both parties have a right to be hurt and angry... but how to fix this?

But there is a point where parents need to step back and accept their new place in a childs life. Where it stops becoming about about forcing the child to do as you say, and it starts becoming a more equal exchange of opinion.

Trying to fight that type of equal exchange and trying to hold onto a superior role only damages the relationship.

That seems to be the case here, where the parents arent respecting the childs decision and are making things difficult for everyone involved (meaning the child will just start to distance themselves from the parents).

They can voice their opinion, talk to their son... but if he wants to continue seeing the girl, they cant just shut her out of everything (without risking shutting the child out also...putting him in a difficult sittuation in the middle).

It seems like they are putting them in a possition where he is going to need to start picking between them or the girl (not wanting her around, i doubt they would want her to come with him to visit or anything else together). This is complete disrespect for the childs right to choose and is a simple degradation in how they are handling the sittuation (instead of talking about it anymore, they just make things difficult and annoying to deal with).

It would be like 2 people getting a divorce and one side telling their child they dont want to see him if the other person is around also.... instead of just sucking it up and acting nice. Just puts the child in a strange sittuation, he likes both parties... no reason to act childish.

Jesus Christ, why can't people just let others live their lives the way they WANT to?! They don't have to LIKE it, but they have NO right to make someone else's life difficult. BE THERE for the person and be supportive of THEM. Everyone has to go through life experiences and learn on their OWN. You cannot save anyone from themselves. If he screws up with that Masters' degree, well, that's on him. If he regrets it, he can always finish it later. If he goes with his parents' wishes, he may forever resent them for swaying him in the other direction. Let HIM make the decisions in HIS life. I don't see why people have to interfere all the time ... like they know best. Pfft!

Eh, if he's getting his master's, he's old enough to make his own decisions. IMO its probably a mistake, and if it were real love, they could pick it up after he finished his program. But, whatever, it'll bite him in the arse when it does. I'm sure it took a lot for him to make this decision and he doesn't need his parents on his back about it. If they are so mad about it, it'll just make him angry and definitely won't change his mind. They are just pushing him away and need to let him live his own life. I'd be angry too if I had a kid and he was throwing away such an amazing opportunity, but after explaining my opinion on it, I wouldn't be mad if he ignored my advice. They shouldn't be mad at her though, he made the decision, not her.

It sounds to me as if Ali wants a crutch to lean on since she is moving to a new city.  These two aren't acting like 22 and 24 year olds.  (Him using his parents for shopping help and her wanting him to move with her.)  They should have made a plan such as "you finish school and then join me."  If it is really a mature love, it will survive the distance. 

The parents need to offer an alternative plan.  Something like, "If you stay here, we will pay for your plane fare to visit Ali once a quarter.  We will help you with plans to put into place so that a transition to the new place will be easy once you have your degree. 

They have started on the wrong foot by asking Ali to stay away.

It's been a four-year relationship, they've been living together for two of those years. This is not a whim here. I'm guessing his parents liked her just fine until this last issue.

They need to realize that this doesn't mean that Kyle is screwed for life if the relationship doesn't work out. He can go back and get his master's later on - he can even come back to his hometown if his family hasn't burned their bridges with him by then. He's already gotten a degree, he doesn't live at home, he has a loving long-term relationship, he's doing pretty well for a 23-year-old guy. It's not like she is new, it's not like she is a bad person, or poison (she was there during all his bachelor's, right? she hasn't been sabotaging his life or feeding him crystal meth for the past four years or anything).  She has been part of what has made him succeed over the last four years, she has been part of making him earn that scholarship, even.

The parents need to get over their disappointment and butt out. It might work out, it might not - his life will turn out fine either way. And I agree that if they insist on being mad at somebody it should be him, not her.

Long-distance relationships, especially from one end of the country to another, are really hard - especially when you are used to spending every day and night together. I don't think it's fair or realistic to say that "if she's right for him, they can make it work long-distance".  Many good relationships - ones that could have made excellent, lifelong marriages - would crumble under the strain of two whole years apart in your early 20s. Some people are just not made for the long-distance thing.

The way to fix this is for his parents to understand that he is in charge of his life and can make his own decisions - it's not like he is quitting law school three months before graduation to move to Vegas with Candi the stripper, who he met last month and married yesterday. If you know what I mean. He's a nice boy, she's a nice girl, they've made a decent go of it so far and might just make it forever. His parents are going through that adjustment phase that all parents go through when their kids grow up and leave the "nest" - nest being in this case hometown and university. They need to make that adjustment without alienating their kid. It is well within their right to refuse to help him make this transition, but they should realize that that is the sort of thing that one never forgets - if they get married, have kids, etc. he will ALWAYS remember (and so will she) that his parents were unsupportive of his relationship with his (then-future) wife at this critical junction. Heck, even if the relationship doesn't work out, he'll still just remember them being unsupportive at this critical junction in HIS life.

Just my .02$

"but how to fix this?"

Don't know. We don't have all the facts, so that limits any suggestions we can put out there. Based on the information presented, the only suggestion I have is for everyone involved to grow up. Kyle does his own shopping, parents recognize Kyle is an adult (and is financially responsible for himself, I would say -- you don't get the bennies unless you take on the responsibilities, too) and express their disappointment if they'd like but understand he's an adult and can do what he wants, Ali thinks hard about what her move ... and Kyle's .... means to her and to Kyle and to their future.

Geez. When I was 23, I moved myself. The only time my mother went shopping with me for "move related things" is when I was 19 and shopping for my first apartment, and that was only once, and that was because *she* wanted to go along, not because I needed her to go with me!