Dear Coworker(s).....

If you could say anything to your coworker(s) without fear of retaliation/repurcussions, what would it be?

For me, and this question happens often, it would be this:

In response to your query of why I walk on my lunch break, there are multiple reasons.  I want to be healthier.  I am trying to lose weight.  But most importantly, it helps me destress a bit after putting up with your crap for the first part of the day. 

I either take a walk or rip your freakin' head off for being unmotivated, unreliable and unambitious. So kindly shut up about my walking habit and I'll shut up about what a pain-in-the-arse you are to work with!

aww. {{{Kat}}}

Dear X,

I am not an idiot. I can follow written instructions, so long as they are legible. You do not need to explain yourself ten times.

My grammar is better than yours. Please stop correcting me after I have corrected you. You will look foolish to your readers.

No love,
Me

I'll bite.

Dear co-workers,
You know that there is a no scent rule at work.  You are also aware that I am sensitive to scents and have a reaction to them.  Why do you still insist on wearing scent to work, deny that you are wearing it and laugh at me when I can not breath if I come within 2 feet of you.

PS.  Your scent reeks something awful as well.  Please let someone pick out your scents for you in the future.

Dear Co-worker,

Go the **** away.  I have to fart.  And your presence prevents me.

Love,

Kate

Dear co-worker

Please please please stop muttering to yourself all day.  It is distracting.  Almost as distracting as the terrible music you play at your desk.  No one wants to hear the Bee Gee's when they are trying to work.

We all know how busy you are.  As is everyone else.  So when we ask you to help us do something it is not because we are too stupid to figure it out.  It is simply because we need to do it and and don't have time with the million other tasks that need to get done.

Dear Boss,

You are an ass. We are all so very tired of your holier than thou attitude just because your daddy passed down the family business. We all know your secret, actually it is not really a secret at all. In fact, we are all very OK with your cocaine habit because it keeps you out of the office most days. But please, do not strut back in here after a 2 week hiatus, spouting off condescedning comments and treating people like garbage, in order to re-establish your authority.

Isn't this cathartic?!!!

Dear Coworker,

Why is it so difficult to follow instructions? Why can't you remember one thing? Why are you 'blind' when you try and find something? No need to answer, I get that it is a part of your intention to avoid work as much as possible by playing dumb. The fact is you are dumb. You are an idiot. I would really like to sack you because working with you is like working with a three year old. I can not believe how stupid you are. I dread having to work with you and try and explain yet again how to do the simplest of things. The guy with the learning disability is more capable than you. How on earth do you get by in the world???

I hope you quit soon.

Regards

I thought I was the only one who liked my coworkers unscented !

 

Dear DB,

When I tell you to get away, step off, don't touch or go away, I mean it.  I don't like you.  You've never specifically asked me if I like you, so I haven't come out and said it.  Fouling up my entire day and then smiling and offering a hug is not okay.  The time I had to work six hours over to cover your mistake you flipped your hair and told me you were a deet-ta-dee.  What is that?!? I don't want a hug.  When you offer a hug and I offer to punch you in the throat, I am giving you warnings.  You wonder why I never laugh at my own jokes...maybe it's because I'm not joking.  You finally asked if there was anything you could do to help and I told you I doubted it.  I did ask you to get me coffee because you stood there staring at me for so long.  You attempted to hold the coffee as ransom until I admitted that I love you.  I got up and got my own coffee because I'd rather use a letter opener to pry out my own eyes than tell you I love you.  Love you?  Seriously?  I don't even like you.

PS The "Oh my freakin gawd, I would just kill myself!!!" has got to stop.  You have no idea how tempted I am to hand you tools to do the job.  As mean as it sounds, you'd probably screw that up too.

Dear co-workers,

There is no need to hit "Reply to all" for every email.

Dear coworker/s,

Please realize that your dirty pads stink really badly and you need to change them more often.  People can smell you from 5 feet away, and everyone is too polite to tell you.  Also, please find another way to dispose of them than in the tiny staff bathroom.  They stink up the entire bathroom so bad that people must find alternate bathrooms for the week you're on your period. Other women seem to cope with this problem without trouble.  Please seek assistance if you can't figure it out by yourself.

Thanks,

Everyone with a nose

Original Post by huggitbear:

Dear coworker/s,

Please realize that your dirty pads stink really badly and you need to change them more often.  People can smell you from 5 feet away, and everyone is too polite to tell you.  Also, please find another way to dispose of them than in the tiny staff bathroom.  They stink up the entire bathroom so bad that people must find alternate bathrooms for the week you're on your period. Other women seem to cope with this problem without trouble.  Please seek assistance if you can't figure it out by yourself.

 

Thanks,

Everyone with a nose

 Ewwww. Not good! Am so sorry you have to deal with this! Personal hygiene is a must!

See...I'd have to have a talk with her. That's simply not acceptable and far outside the bounds of fairness and propriety.

Oh my. Oh my. That is really horrible.  (Was hoping there would be a vomit face)

Dear coworkers,

Please at least try to be cheerful. Please say good morning and goodbye. Please fix the thermostat so my hands don't turn blue. Please stop treating me like the new kid who doesn't know anything. And please trust me when I fix your mistakes. I may be an assistant, but I am still an editor and that is my job. I am also from America so I understand the language here a little better. You are not a very good writer to begin with. I'm tired of you getting credit for all MY improvements and me getting shunned when you don't accept my edits. One day you will realize I am too good for this stupid job. By then I'll be gone. :)

Original Post by huggitbear:

Dear coworker/s,

Please realize that your dirty pads stink really badly and you need to change them more often.  People can smell you from 5 feet away, and everyone is too polite to tell you.  Also, please find another way to dispose of them than in the tiny staff bathroom.  They stink up the entire bathroom so bad that people must find alternate bathrooms for the week you're on your period. Other women seem to cope with this problem without trouble.  Please seek assistance if you can't figure it out by yourself.

 

Thanks,

Everyone with a nose

I would have to say something for sure.  I don't know what I'd say, but I would come up with something.  That would make me sick!!

Dear coworker,

Yes, I realize you are the head of the special ed department at this particular school, and somehow have accumulated 15 years of experience while this is only my second year, but to be honest I know how to fill out IEP's and you don't.  I'm tired of having hunt down files and missing paperwork on my kids, and I hate that I have to walk through your classroom to get MY files because I don't have a space of my own.  And I speak English better than you.

Just because you are a man, and the one with the most "experience" does not mean you should have been named "head".  Please don't try to act like you know anything.

Thank you,

the speech pathologist.

Thanks.  I've been waiting years to get that off my chest.

Original Post by augustnkate:

Original Post by huggitbear:

Dear coworker/s,

Please realize that your dirty pads stink really badly and you need to change them more often.  People can smell you from 5 feet away, and everyone is too polite to tell you.  Also, please find another way to dispose of them than in the tiny staff bathroom.  They stink up the entire bathroom so bad that people must find alternate bathrooms for the week you're on your period. Other women seem to cope with this problem without trouble.  Please seek assistance if you can't figure it out by yourself.

 

Thanks,

Everyone with a nose

I would have to say something for sure.  I don't know what I'd say, but I would come up with something.  That would make me sick!!

 Maybe post an annonymous note in the ladie's room or on her desk? I can almost certainly guarantee that she isn't going to confront anyone and ask who left it!

Original Post by chiefsfan4life:

Dear co-workers,

There is no need to hit "Reply to all" for every email.

 This ^

Dear Coworkers,

There is this fancy invention called a "dishwasher."  You might have heard of it.

PLEASE USE IT.  Do not place your dishes in the sink so that you can then pour water on them and wait for me to have to touch them at the end of the day.  I promise you the dishwasher is empty, you have plenty of room to place your dishes on the rack.  And do not place your dishes on top of the dishwasher.  Is it so hard to open a door and move them a foot?  I didn't think so.

I'm the admin/office manager/customer support/shipping and receiving/Accounts Payable and Receivable.  NOT DISHWASHER/MAID.  You're grown men, you can handle this.

Thank you,

Dirktwolf