decisons

does anyone else struggle to make decisons , its a real worry for me and causes me so much stress. when i eventually make the decision i feel bad because i think ive made the wrong decison it drives me up the wall, why do i feel so weak as a person ?

Always helen. Always. Which is why we tend to (rather ironically) often opt for such extremes. It's like we need things to be black and white because we can't choose from a litany of grey shades - too much choice, too many options = resulting indecisiveness. I know it's the source of my anxiety and OCD, or the other way around. Either way, they're intimately related. You want PERFECTION. Hence the ensuing anxiety when you do make a decision, because whatever the result is, it's never as great as it could be (in your imaginings), and hence maybe it was the wrong choice. But no, it's just that life isn't perfect.  Irrespective of what you choose, it's never going to be. Even if it was, it probably wouldn't be 'perfect enough' for the likes of us. I don't know the answers to this struggle, but I do know that I struggle with it too. Heck, I guess we just need to keep struggling. But you know, in our current positions, it is sometimes okay to let others who are thinking a little more groundedly help us with making those decisions, you know?

god you so understand nina , thats exactly how i feel , its nice to know its not just me . for example i suggested to my theapist i mind need to go into hospital as im struggling , she said she wasnt sure it was the right thing to do as i struggle greatly with the hospital enviroment , but she would support me. but then i almost felt bad for wanting it as she wasnt sure , so i tried to go with her way of thinking . then 24hours later i was in such a state why didnt i give it a go? god i cant do it ? so i phoned her to say id changed my mind. but she said she wasnt going to go back on the decison we d decided as she was protecting me from going through the same thing over again changing my mind again and the stress it causes me . i feel like such a failure now !

You're not a failure for struggling with this decision at all. I have agonised for hours over whether or not to go IP and changed my mind about the matter a zillion times. What we need to focus on is now - the fact that firstly, the bed is no longer available, and secondly, your therapist thinks it's best you don't go back there. This does not mean you have failed - you know why? Because you can still continue with gaining and restoration at home. You CAN do it. Stop second guessing yourself because subconsciously, a part of you is wanting to set you up for failure - and it's the ED. It's the "safety zone" of ED - which IS NOT safe at all - it's death. It's a protracted suicide, it's a split-persona homicide, whatever. It's KILLING you. And the real helen has to step up and say NO. No I have not failed. Yes I am getting better. Yes I may stumble, but I will keep getting up and trying again. Yes I will follow the advice of my therapists and friends because right now they know what is best for me more *strongly* than I know this for myself. You won't always be weak in the face of the ED, but while you're struggling so precariously, you need to let others help you out with the reins for a while. You're not a failure helen - because you're alive. You wouldn't be alive if you weren't still trying. xox

Yes I struggle with this a lot to, I am an extremely indecisive person, to the point I will stand and argue with myself over whether to eat a strawberry or a raspbery, whether to wear my stripy socks or just plain at the end of the day it doesnt matter cos no-one will see them anyway.

Nina has already given some great advise,I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I think a lot of people struggle with this especially ones with EDs because as Nina said you are striving to have things perfect which isnt always possible.

Your not a failure at all for not going IP, that was a huge decision and Im pretty sure a lot of people have done and are doing the same thing.  You lost your chance for IP but now you have the chance to really go for it yourself at home.

xox

thanks betty that means alot h x

It's not just you.  I will sit an analyze what might have happened four or six or eight years ago if I'd just handled this ONE scenario differently--for a dozen different situations.  Part of my issue is I'm very prone to daydreaming, and my mind just wanders.  But I'll obsess over decisions forever.  I personally happen to be of the religious sort, and I find a lot of comfort from prayer, meditation, and reading.  I also spend a lot of time with older people, and I like to talk things over with them (which is convenient, becaus they really like to talk!--and a lot of them are pretty lonely, which is sad); for the most part, they have really good advice, but even if they don't have that, they're good listeners. 

It's a good idea to find something to do to take your mind off your obsessing.  It doesn't have to be anything major.  This week has been really stressful for me, so I've been beading.  It's easy, but I have to focus on what I'm doing so it chases out other thoughts.  The same with crocheting.  I don't know whether or not you're crafty.

Honestly, if you missed the chance for IP, that suggests to me that it wasn't the right decision for you.  If it had been the right thing at the right time, you would have jumped on it.  Maybe this is where you're meant to be. 

sarah thankyou or giving me inspiration , sorry youve had a stressful week, remember im here for you to ! good ideas i love beading :)

yes, absolutely! i spend forever trying to decide the simplest little things: should i try one blueberry? this cereal or that one? i like them both, they're the same calories, but one has more fiber and one has more protein... a peach or a plum? was that really a cup? i think the measuring cup might be wrong. i don't want to do it wrong. 

it doesn't matter! i have to constantly remind myself that healthy, ED free, even slim people don't stress over decisions that i would consider huge! and it doesn't matter what happened in the past anyway. only the future matters.

one more thing: i'm finding that as my body gets refed, these worries become less and less. not a coincidence. the brain is made up of fat, so when we lack fat it can't function right. kind of interesting. 

I go trhough a choice every breakfast.

what should i have with my oatmeal?

banana or bluberrys.

I can totally relate.  It's one of the main struggles I'm having right now.  And it's not just eating and food...it's what to wear to work, what clothes to buy, what to do on the weekend, etc.  Practicing mindfulness and meditation has helped me somewhat but it's still a major problem in my life.  It gets to the point that I get so worried about being wrong that I just avoid making a decision at all or ask someone else to make the decision for me. 

Tessa how are you doing? I have issues in all areas making choices but I am not a perfectionist by any means. If anything I am the opposite and am trying to set and stick to goals. Anyhow for you something that I worry about for you as you are an adult and I often am in the same position is letting people influence your choices. It is ok to take them into consideration when makeing choices but I think you must look into your heart and see what you need. Sometimes that is hard to know but even if you go against someone suggestion it does to make you a bad person or wrong. I am not saying to go against something about your safety but about life choices. Like I said I have mixed feeling about ip. Something though that I think you should talk to your therapist about is how you felt bad for wanting to go ip when she did not. She said she would support you and if you feel in your heart that you need more assistance then I am sure she would be proud of you for going. I remember one ip my family was set against me going and it was so hard for me to go anyway. Though I relapsed I truly would not be here today if I did not go. If you do this oupatient I hope you see that you can make healthy choices for yourself. The beading is a great idea. I took a class in this and it really helps. I am not sure if you guys have this in your state but where I live we have thse paint pottery places where you paint mugs,frames,dishes etc and then they glaze it. I enjoy that too.

thanks abbi that was so helpful, everything you said i can relate to. i think part of my problem is i missed out on the phase of going from adolesant to an adult because i was in hospital . this has kind of made me so i dont know how to make decisions and when i do i constantly think its the wrong one . your so right i do get influenced by other people , even when i was at school this was the same , and id make the decison to make others happy. i have a appointment with consultant on wednesday nxt week so i fully intend telling him how i feel . im just worried if i do ask for ip and he says no he doesent think it would work . the person i am id think oh well im not ill enough i dont deserve it crazy i know . i hope you doing ok thanks again. the classes you are taking sounds grt id love to do that h x

Hi. I think it so great that you are so open to things and input. Tessa you are an adult now. I can relate to not knowing how to be one cause like you for many years during teen and young adult I was ip or sick. I am going through a lot of trial and error right now but am taking care so little life mistakes are normal. I know you are not in the US but even if the consultant were to say no why could you not go ip still if you feel you need it? Do you need them to say yes to get in or is it because you would not want to go against them? In any regards I agree you must be honest with how you feel and your struggles. I will say that going in and out of inpatient your whole life is not healthy. If you go this time I hope you really work on ways to take care and be a healthy adult in the real world. You can't move forward if you are always sick and taking breaks to go inpatient. Thanks about the classes. You can do this inpatient or outpatient but you have to find with in to move forward.

thanks again abbie you are a clever chick do you mind me asking is it your decison to recover at home ? did you not want to go ip? i think it is the consultants decison and i have absolutely no idea what hes going to say . but your right i have to stick it out if i do thanks again hx

I don't mind questions at all. When I first joined here I was in a bad place mentally and physically and my mom said if I did not gain each month she would cut me off financially. I am unable to work at the moment due to my nerve condition. Originally I had to bring her a note. Well anyhow I went back to a psych got on meds for mental side and began to really take charge on my own eating the full plan and gaining. I also began making progress socially and mentally more rational. So my mom said that she would give me another chance to do it on my own so now I don't have to bring her a note and have been doing it on my own. She is so proud with my overall progress and in many ways I am. I did not want to go back ip. My nerve condition would not even make it possible as it is very complex and I have to see certain specialists for that.Also I have done ip many times and used it as an escape instead of to get well. It is a daily battle outside but I am doing it and hoping to have a normal life. I knew it would be hard because it is such a change but I know I have to. You know when I first came on here some people gave me some harsh responses  but it was true and now I can see that and I think a lot of seeing it is I am in a healthier state so I see things better.

Tessa you seem very smart and nice but also very trapped. I have not read your new post and will after but I wonder if they said they wanted you to go if you would or you would then not want to but since they may not then you do? I could be off. Are you ready if you do go inpatient to stick it out and not run when you get scared? Are you ready to make this time different ip and work on the why and get to a healthy weight?

thanks for sharing that with me abbi. you have battled so hard its such an inspiration to see . i m sorry to hear about your nerve trouble that must be hard to deal with . ever likely your mum is proud of you . as we both know its harder to fight this than give it into it. im so messed up at the mo i dont want to be anywhere but my reasons for thinking of going ip are generially to restore my health and weight , but who knows what would happen if i went back i dont feel very strong as a person i so wish i did h x