Delete please
i can only speak for myself, but there was no one moment - just a gradually growing feeling. and no, he never really hurt me, or i him.
i don't know either of you, but a tumultuous dating relationship is generally not a good indicator of future marital success. i know this is probably impossible advice to follow, but, honestly, you should probably break up and date other people for a year or two. if you've been dating all through college you don't really know what it's like to date other people (high school really, really doesn't count). also, the shape of your lives may change as you move out into the real world - you may become more similar, or more different. if you spend some time apart, and still (after at LEAST one year, if not more) want to be together, then maybe you should have a nice, long engagement.
i was the same as you - raised by a single parent, one serious boyfriend in college... but man, am i glad i didn't end up marrying him. i waited, dated (a lot! it was great!) and then found a wonderful, wonderful, stable man who's right for the grown-up me. we've only been married for about a year and a half, but even pessimistic me doesn't see any clouds on the horizon. it can be hard work (marriage always is - and it'll only get trickier as our lives get more complicated with kids and whatnot), but i'm incredibly happy. :)
Well I was with my husband for 5 years before getting married. We've been married for almost 3 years now (3 in Jan). After 3 years of dating he left me for another woman for ~6 months. We broke off all contact (I was devestated) during this time... and a mutual friend of ours brought us back together. He's hurt me many times... but part of relationships is forgiveness. I mean, he's never done anything extreme like cheating (that I know of... *shifty eyes*), but has hurt me emotionally/mentally. It hasn't changed the way I feel about him though. I love him so much my chest could burst from all the love. :) As for getting married... not sure how it happened really... it just made living easier I think. We're bestfriends who fell in love and got married.
I give my husband credit though as he's married to a mentally ill wife and is extremely patient with me. I think it makes me love him more. :)
Also I'm sure I've hurt him numerous times as well. Especially this being my first and only relationship... but he's never shown it if I have. I try to be the very best I can be for him though.
You should try living together first (if you're not already). I lived with my husband before getting married. Being with someone all day is different than seeing someone most of the day. You get to see all the uglies, lol. :)
He's ready for more things than I am..
What's that mean? What was the hurt?
Women very seldom stay with the guys they meet between the ages of 17-24.
Get out have some fun.
Date more people.
Take your time, no reason to rush.
I know this sounds cliche, but you'll know if it is right. If you are unsure (and I suspect you are, since you're asking for advice from complete strangers), then it isn't right at this moment.
I've been married for over 4 years. I've known my hubby for 13 years. For most of the time we've known each other, we've been friends. However, during that time we had two giant blow-out fights where we didn't talk for a year or more. They were REALLY ugly fights.
Once we finally started dating, it wasn't easy either. Even after years of dating, we both kept saying "I'm never getting married, I'm never getting married". Then one night, we went to a friend's birthday party at a bar with a bunch of other single people. For some reason, that night clicked for the both of us, and we thought "I don't ever want to do this ever again". We started shopping for rings that weekend, and were married 6 months later.
Believe me when I say, you'll know it when it is right, and if you just don't feel that way, it probably isn't.
P.S. - I think the age thing is nonsense. I met my hubby when I was 15, we married when I was 24. Even though we've both changed a lot, our fundamental connection has stayed the same. He's still my best friend, and he's still making me a better person every day (and vice versa).
well im not techincally married, but i have been in the same relationship since i was 16 (almost 10 years now!), and there was never one moment that just struck me that i should stay with him for the rest of my life... he just kinda grew on me.
But fights happen, hard times hit. If you have truely forgiven him, and him you, and you have both learned from it and become a better couple for it, than maybe you should make tenitive plans for marriage. But it really is more something you will know for yourself.
Original Post by trainwreck:
we've had a tumultuous relationship in the past
What's that mean? What was the hurt?
Women very seldom stay with the guys they meet between the ages of 17-24.
Get out have some fun.
Date more people.
Take your time, no reason to rush.
Eh theres a bunch of people (I'm one of them) on these forums who've been with the same guy between those ages and are still with them.
One night we went out in search of a restaurant only to return home tired, hungry, and very crabby. The next night his ex-girlfriend invited him out to dinner, to that very restaurant. The reason we were looking for it was he promised I could be the first one to ever take him there. It would've been the first time I'd gone there, too and I was excited for weeks about it.
To find out he not only forgot about that promise but went out with the one person I did not want him to see anymore hurt me so bad, and even now it still hurts to think about. He's long since stopped talking to her and I vowed to never mention that restaurant's name or go there, ever.
I hold on to the little promises and it meant the world to me that up until that point, even the most minute things, like him promising to buy me a bouncy ball from a vending machine the next time he went into work, meant so much more to me than anything else he'd done. For him to break that promise to me, the first one ever and to date the only one ever, is still a soft spot.
As for knowing when he was the one, I thought in the very beginning of our relationship that he was the one. And then he started seeing his ex-girlfriend very often and I got to a point where it was hard to be in the same room with him. I always knew if she called, he'd take the call, ignore me for a while, apologise after about an hour or two of talking to her, and then he'd pay attention to me. I wasn't ready to call it quits with him. I wanted to see if he could give up this girl who was the only way he could see any of his other friends, 'cause she influenced them, and find out what life was like with me.
On January 3rd, the day after the only major fight we ever had, when he deleted her from his MySpace, eMail contacts, phone contacts, and never spoke of her again, we had and continue to have the best relationship ever. About a month later when he threw all of my stuff in the back of his truck and got me away from my insane dad, I knew then that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Follow your heart. (:
That's all I can tell you. I've been married for a year and a half and I've known (and dated) my husband for five years. I'm 23.
But, you have to relax and calm and center yourself to be able to hear what is the right way; find your inner quiet and ask the question, then wait and listen for the answer in the silence. Do this as much as you can and the answer will come. I know that sounds out there.
Don't put a time limit on it and the whole thing will be easier. It's hard when you have the world's expectations around you; for example, that you shouldn't get married at a certain age (in my case), or that you should get married within a certain timeframe (in your case). Try not to let those things factor into your decision.
There is some truth in what they say about just 'knowing' if it is right.
Relax - don' rush into anything. If you are unsure about anything in the relationship....DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!! The secret to a good relationship is talking - about everything! NO secrets. Share your feelings and expect the same from a partner. ...without judging!
I was also with a wonderful man all through college, our relationship also had turbulent moments, we felll out, we made up, but looking back it was always me that did the forgiving and that should have rung alarm bells. I went on to marry him about a year after college truly believing that he was 'the one' but it was a horrible mistake. College life is so closeted and artificial that it doesn't prepare you for a relationship in real life. Like a holiday romance, just longer drawn-out. You're thrown together at a young age when you've had little experience of how people tick. Some people get lucky first time but I know so many couples that got together, got married young and got divorced within 5 or 6 years that I would say the lucky ones are the exception and not the rule.
Take some time to develop yourself after your studies. Get your career going, work to widen your social circle, get the relationship out of the college hothouse, and find out a little more about who you really are and who he really is. And don't be pressured into marriage if it doesn't feel right.
If you have doubts...wait a bit. I would do things to secure your relationship though if possible...for example, after graduation, try not to take jobs in different cities. you have a lot going on now
On the other hand...I met my husband at 20 and married him 10 months later...just after my 21st birthday...we have been ecstatically married for 17 years.
Marrying young is great, if you both want it and are both ready. You don't need to have kids right away...we did, but that was our choice...
don't jump into it, but work towards it...
This sounds incredibly corny but it can work. Make the pros and cons list....about him, about getting married, whatever. You'll be thinking mostly with your head instead of your heart. It really puts things into perspective.
No one said you had to make a decision to marry him right now anyway, right?
Well this is my second time around. The first being a train wreck of a marriage mainly because of abuse of all sorts. Anyway...I did get 3 wonderful children from the loser.
Upside...I have been married to my soul mate for 13 years now. I knew he was the right one for me when I first laid eyes on him and I chased him until he caught me.
The compatibilities far outweight anything. We have 5 children and 3 grandchildren and one more on the way.
You will know when it is right and your gitters might be from angst toward graduation and starting your life.
Oh my Goodness... don't get married yet! Finish college, solidify your career THEN get married and have babies if you want. I wish I followed through on the career I went to school for... love the hubby, love the kid, that is my only regret. Now I just focus on her career! LOL
I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me on this one but I'm going to say it anyway. Actually getting married isn't that important. If you're not already at the point in your relationship where you feel like you've made a commitment of that magnitude then you probably shouldn't get married. And you can't predict the future. I don't see a point in making any promises forever. Things change that you can't control, and you should be willing to deal with those circumstances as they arise. For my boyfriend and I, well, we're both individually financially stable. We're moving in together soon, and I understand that I'm taking a risk. If it doesn't work out, then I'll move out, and we'll move on. Sure it would be difficult, but life is difficult.
My parents are divorced. It was ugly. Mainly because there wasn't enough money, but there were a lot of kids, and my mom didn't have a career to fall back on. If there are kids in the picture, it's tougher.
Hi everyone! Thanks for all the advice. It was all so very helpful. I realize how different everyone situation is. So I decided to talk to my boyfriend about my fears. He was a huge comfort by telling me that he was scared too but excited for all the things that we could experience together.
Just to clarify, I'm not thinking about getting married anytime soon! I need to get my Masters first. My worrying was prompted by scheduling my last set of classes and filing an intent to graduate next semester. Not by a marriage time table! I'm just fine with not getting married for another decade. I just like to know that I'm not all mixed up with what I want.
I'm going to finish school and try my hardest to apply to tons of graduate schools. Then it will be easier for him to find a job near me. I'll just wait to see what our dynamic is in that situation :)
I'm 25, married for about a year and a half, and I met my husband when I was 19. A lot of people think that's young, but really, it's all relative. I dated several guys in college prior to dating my husband. We were actually friends before we started dating. In any case, he graduated a year before me and was working while I was still in school. When I graduated, we moved in together and then about 9 months after that he proposed. We had a year and a half engagement. So all told, we knew each other about five years before we were married.
There was never a single point when I decided that this was the man that I wanted to marry. As someone else said, he kind of grew on me. We are best friends, first and foremost, and we made a decision that we wanted to be partners in life. People will talk about how much they love a person and can't live without them, but in reality that's never truly the case. When you get married, you are creating a partnership. You are agreeing that you will be there for that person to make them a better person and to support them in everything that they do, and they agree to the same for you. I could live without my husband, I could support myself financially and I certainly wouldn't physically die without him, but I don't want to live without him and I don't think that I ever will. There will be difficult times, and times when I don't feel all gushy in love, but that doesn't matter because I've decided to make a life with him and to be partners with him. The priest at our wedding gave a great piece of advice; "You have to make the decision to love the person every single day."
So my advice to you is to look at your relationship very carefully and make a decision as to whether or not you want to make a life partnership with your boyfriend. Don't worry about age, don't worry about what people think, just make a decision for yourself. If he's hurt you in the past, ask yourself if you think he'll do the same again. Do you want to have children with this man? Does he even want kids? Do you? Do you keep secrets from him or he from you? Do you want a career? How will that affect your relationship? Where do you want to live? How would you ideally set up your finances (money raises a lot of questions in a lot of relationships, so be sure to think carefully about this). What about religion? Talk to him about all of these things as well, because you might be surprised at some if his answers. The pros and cons list is a really great idea, but make sure that you ask all the questions of yourself and of him.
I should probably also add, that marriage does not automatically equate to children. My husband and I have decided to wait several years so that we can enjoy just being together and spend our money travelling rather than on kids. You can still enjoy life and do lots of wonderful things, you'll just be doing them together rather than on your own for the most part. You can also still have your own life and career - I do! I have my own friends and so does he; even though we all hang out together pretty often, they're still primarily my or his friends. I also have a career and career goals, and he's supportive of that. Marriage sometimes requires sacrifice, but it also requires compromise and you don't always have to give up everything.
Original Post by evanroysterfan22:
So, my questions, to all you who are married/in successful relationships. Was there ever a moment where you realized that your spouse was the one? Also, more importantly, did that person ever really hurt you at some point?
I was courted by my wonderful DH for 5 weeks before we decided to get married. We had been, of course, friends for several years prior. We were both 100% sure that we were marrying the person that God had chosen for us to marry.
At no time since I've known my wonderful DH has he ever said anything mean, rude, unkind, profane or hurtful to me. He has never raised his voice. He has never yelled at me. He has never called me a name. He has never treated me disrespectfully or unkindly. We have never argued. So, no, he's never hurt me. We're blessed.
MOLLY
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