Delete please

Original Post by cats-eyes:

I once accidentally knocked my boyfri end's diary off a shelf when I was cleaning, and it fell open on the floor.  Scanning the page, I saw the words 'nagging doubts' and my name, at which point I forced myself to close it and put it back unread.

this isn't true.  is it?  this happened in a soap opera and you subconsciously incorporated it into your memory because you have traumatic amnesia.  right? 

I'm guilty of snooping.  In the beginning of our relationship, Alex and I had some hardships (HE WAS GOING OUT ON DATES WITH HIS EXGIRLFRIEND INSTEAD OF ME!!?!), and I wanted to know if he was worth all the heartache he caused me.  He'd given me his MySpace password and I checked it every day he was at work to see if there were comments or messages about him sleeping around on me or considering just ditching me and going back to his ex.  Never.  Not one inkling suspicion.

And I confessed to him one day, still in the middle of our tough period, that I was constantly checking his MySpace and I appreciated that he either hid it well, or he wasn't doing it.  What he was doing still hurt, but at least he wasn't sleeping around on me.  And then his frickin' phone rang, she was calling, and he took the call.  I'm bawling, upset, trying to convey my misery in what he's doing and my gratitude in what he's not doing, and he takes the damned call from her because she was pissed that she'd gotten a bad mark on her homework?

Oh... HELL.. no.  That was the night that I threw his phone at the wall, grabbed him by the collar, shook him, and threw his precious beer off the balcony.

Never had the urge to snoop through his **** again.  We're both very open with our passwords on things.  He knows mine, I know his, I know what he's on, he knows what I'm on mostly because we're so interested in what we're on that we'll show it to one another.  Alex uses Reddit, I use LiveJournal.  He knows what my LJ is, I know his Reddit screen name.  He knows I've got some Friends Only entries that he's not meant to see because they talk about gifts for him or surprises, and I know not to snoop through his credit card statement during holidays.

I don't think it's okay to snoop, but at the same time I feel if it's casual and you've got nothing to hide, then what's the problem.  Sometimes I'll randomly go through Alex's cell phone pictures to see what he sees when I'm at work.  It's snooping, but I'm not looking for like, naked women on his phone or browsing to see who calls him.  I'm just looking at pictures.

snooping is WRONG, no matter the reason. trust is the most important thing to me, and if that trust was violated, i'd be crushed. i have nothing to hide, but just knowing that my SO didn't trust me would be devastating.

i also would NEVER snoop on another person, no matter what suspicions i may or may not have. if i'm worried about something, i'm gonna ask about it. if the answer doesn't satisfy me, i'll try to talk more to get one that does, or find a solution that makes me feel better, even if that means ending the relationship.

i've been snooped on before, and the horrible feeling never goes away. and i'd never inflict that on someone i cared about.

Meh. I wouldn't care if my man was checking up on me. My life's an open book. Like the phonebook only not yellow.

I wouldn't have snooped through his stuff, but didn't care if he snooped through mine.

I say it is wrong to snoop, but then again I had an time in my life when my then boyfriend (now ex) snooped through my belongings, read my journal, my e-mail's the whole nine yards. But soon I became prego and found out what he was doing (side note he really wanted a baby). Long story short I ended up snooping on him, because as the months went on he started to pay less and less attention to me (didn't even sleep in the same bed) and I put all my effort into talking to him, and work things out, but he didn't say a thing, just the typical stuff guys say "oh nothings wrong..." so I figured out his passwords to everything he has, and to my shock and horrorhe was telling everyone on his forums that he "hated me, didn't like the fact I was pregnant, and I was just getting fatter and fatter" (I guess he failed to realize that happens when your 8 months pregnant) He also was seeing another woman, who he planned on marring as soon as he found out a good way to get rid of me and the baby!! (I did end up leaving after that) so snooping sometimes has its good reasons as long as your doing it for the right reasons.  I still wonder to this day when he was going to break it off with me? at the hospital giving birth?? I suppose...jerk...(no bitter feelings)

I have never snooped on anyone else.

 

I think you have to respect boundaries and privacy. I wouldn't go through someone's diary or private letters or emails. I would be extremely resentful if I learned someone had done that to me.

I will check out a potential partner by googling them or asking around though.

Original Post by coffincritter:

I will check out a potential partner by googling them  

this creeps me out the MOST! that's cyber-stalking! and totally, completely, 100% nuts! i'm just glad that i'm google-proof in case some guy gets that idea in the future. (i know b/c i've googled myself just to see what'd pop up. thankfully, i don't exist on the web!)

I am a snooper! I used to read my son's "journal" occasionally because I wanted to make sure he wasn't doing drugs or was depressed (suicidal). I didn't read EVERYTHING, just paged thru on occasion. He wasn't doing drugs and wasn't overly depressed. Read my daughter's too, on occasion. She was doing okay too. (they were in high school and never knew--so don't tell them now!) Now that they are adults, I wouldn't do it unless I truly thought that they were a danger to themselves.

I was cleaning out my first husband's jacket before washing it and found a "letter". I didn't read it--just handed it to him. I REALLY wish I had as I had numerous occasions for distrust! Evencially he left me for another woman, had his vasectomy reversed (didn't want any more kids--haha) and had 2 more kids. He was an ass and still is. I wish I HAD snooped. It would have saved me some time, heartache, and money!

My current husband I trust completely. He has full access to my email and I his. I have read (skimmed) his once or twice and found nothing at all (which just confirms my trust in him--a really good feeling). I think he has read mine too... and since there is nothing there, and never will be, I don't care. It isn't like he is looking over my shoulder. Usually, he is trying to find out some information when I'm not home that someone has emailed me like the date of a function or get together.

I have a girlfriend who is very trusting. The a--hole husband is the pits. I had her check out his credit card and she found lots of evidence of his f---ing around and lieing to her. His now-girlfriend is pg (they aren't even divorced!). Needless to say, snooping helped her get over him and see thru all of his lies.

I guess because I have been hurt so badly in the past that I feel it is my right to be able to snoop. On the rare occasion that I have (in my current marriage) I have found a big ZERO, NADA. It is reassuring. One time he put a GPS tracking device on my car as a test to see how it worked for a friend. I thought it was funny--they could tell where I drove (to work), how fast I drove (the speed limit), and where I parked! If I ever decide that my marriage isn't working, my husband will be the first to know. I am not going to cheat. That is SO undignified. I am too old to put up with any s--- or to dish it out.

Bottom line for me--if you have something to hide--you don't want someone to snoop. If you are snooping 1-2 times and find nothing--you won't ever find it. If you suspect something... snooping will just confirm it AND INFORMATION is power!

I'm an open book.  I'm not going to share my passwords, but I'll certainly give straight up info to anyone who has a right to know.  Want to know where I'm going, it's probably dancing, so grab your shoes and come along.

I would never dream of snooping on someone else.  Whatever they may leave lying around is fair game to eyeball, but opening journals, checkbooks, credit cards statements, wallets, etc. without their knowledge is just wrong.  If I can't trust someone to be honest with me then I'm done.

Original Post by dalmalama:

Original Post by coffincritter:

I will check out a potential partner by googling them  

this creeps me out the MOST! that's cyber-stalking! and totally, completely, 100% nuts! i'm just glad that i'm google-proof in case some guy gets that idea in the future. (i know b/c i've googled myself just to see what'd pop up. thankfully, i don't exist on the web!)

 I don't think it's nuts.  I have a male friend who googled someone he asked out on a date, only to find that she and a friend of hers had robbed a Starbucks a couple of months before and she was out on bail.

I had good reason to believe my live-in ex was cheating on me and lying about it (I had confronted him multiple times). I read his instant message logs, and it was very clear that he was having an emotional affair (telling this person he was in love with her, telling her the sexual things he wanted to do to her, etc.). I confronted him about it, sobbing, and he got mad at me for reading them...and then told me he wasn't in love with me anymore

I believe, though, that if you're in a committed live-in relationship, you give up a large degree of entitlement to privacy. As far as I'm concerned, he broke the trust we had when he lied to me about her. While two wrongs don't make a right, I have a responsibility to protect myself first. I wouldn't have looked if I didn't strongly suspect something, I don't think it was wrong of me to look, and I'm glad I did, because it was the catalyst for the end of a failing relationship.

Two years later, we're best friends. I don't think either of us doesn't still harbor a tiny bit of anger about what happened, but we've moved on.

I don't think snooping on anyone is okay.  If they want to keep something private, that's their perogative- and no one has the right to violate that. 

I've never snooped through my boyfriend's things.  I can see how it would be tempting to do so, but I also know I'd feel really guilty doing it.  Plus, snooping would mean I didn't trust him- and I think any worthwhile relationship is dependent on trust.  Without it, why bother?

I don't think it's ever happened to me, either.  I hope not, anyway!  I write in a journal every day, and I write my deepest, darkest secrets in there.  I don't know what I would do if anyone read it.  I would feel so violated.

I'm a snooper, but I always tell him that I did it. Like i have once or twice read his IM logs or his texts. But I only ever read his texts in front of him. I'm just awfully nosy and I wish I wasn't and I'd kill someone who snooped on me. Not in terms of email or anything though because everyone knows my passwords and stuff. I wouldn't be bothered if he checked my emails because I don't tend to keep private information in my inbox. My inbox is not intended to be private. But If I had a diary it would be, and id be devastated if someone read it.

 

p.s. if you are cheating surely your clever enough to delete the texts and emails.

Original Post by smwhipple:

I'm an open book.  I'm not going to share my passwords, but I'll certainly give straight up info to anyone who has a right to know.  Want to know where I'm going, it's probably dancing, so grab your shoes and come along.

I would never dream of snooping on someone else.  Whatever they may leave lying around is fair game to eyeball, but opening journals, checkbooks, credit cards statements, wallets, etc. without their knowledge is just wrong.  If I can't trust someone to be honest with me then I'm done.

 How do you know if they're being honest or not?

So many posts in these forums about women and girls who found out their SO's were cheating and were surprised and devastated.

It's interesting to me that so many people embrace privacy as sacred, but lying or cheating as an absolute deal-breaker.

If one adheres to a strict morality about snooping on an SO, musn't one also accept the actions of the SO as simply not one's business?

Not directed at you Sara, just something I've been thinking about since this thread popped up.

 

 

interesting question, 'gator.

this isn't an answer, by any stretch, but i have a different perspective on trust than most.  to me, trust isn't about believing 100% in another person.  to me, trust means believing in my own ability to get through whatever happens.  when i choose to trust someone, i'm really trusting myself.  i can never know that he or she won't hurt me, but i can know that i'll be okay.

Stands on chair and gives pg a standing ovation

Brilliant perspective, Bravo, Bravo!!

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by smwhipple:

I'm an open book.  I'm not going to share my passwords, but I'll certainly give straight up info to anyone who has a right to know.  Want to know where I'm going, it's probably dancing, so grab your shoes and come along.

I would never dream of snooping on someone else.  Whatever they may leave lying around is fair game to eyeball, but opening journals, checkbooks, credit cards statements, wallets, etc. without their knowledge is just wrong.  If I can't trust someone to be honest with me then I'm done.

 How do you know if they're being honest or not?

So many posts in these forums about women and girls who found out their SO's were cheating and were surprised and devastated.

It's interesting to me that so many people embrace privacy as sacred, but lying or cheating as an absolute deal-breaker.

If one adheres to a strict morality about snooping on an SO, musn't one also accept the actions of the SO as simply not one's business?

Not directed at you Sara, just something I've been thinking about since this thread popped up.

 

 

What most of us really are looking for, when we want a little bit of privacy is SPACE, plain and simple, a chance to live our lives without someone else needing to know what we're doing, who we're talking to and what we say. For most of us, if we don't get that space, we feel smothered.

Most of us, when given space, use it well.. just to establish themselves, to have their own friends, to meet their own personal needs. Some of us abuse that space and use it unwisely.. to hurt the ones we claim to love.

When you snoop, you deny me of my personal space, my chance to live MY life. And for what? For your 'piece of mind'? Doubtful. Because, as I said earlier, snooping is about lack of trust and people who snoop probably don't HAVE that piece of mind. No, you snoop because you "need" to, to reassure yourself that he or she is not doing anything wrong.

ANYTHING taken to an extreme is hurtful. Too much privacy and it's hard to know whether or not we can trust you, because you keep so much to yourself. Too little, and I'll feel like I'm being smothered or worse.

But we all need a little place in the world that's ours alone, some place where we can be us.

Once again, you have absolutely nailed it, Pg.

I agree. It's the self-reliance that's key. And the ability to allow someone else their own decisions.

So many times I hear 'a relationship is nothing without trust'. Although I understand why people feel that way, I think trust comes in many variations.

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by smwhipple:

I'm an open book.  I'm not going to share my passwords, but I'll certainly give straight up info to anyone who has a right to know.  Want to know where I'm going, it's probably dancing, so grab your shoes and come along.

I would never dream of snooping on someone else.  Whatever they may leave lying around is fair game to eyeball, but opening journals, checkbooks, credit cards statements, wallets, etc. without their knowledge is just wrong.  If I can't trust someone to be honest with me then I'm done.

 How do you know if they're being honest or not?

So many posts in these forums about women and girls who found out their SO's were cheating and were surprised and devastated.

It's interesting to me that so many people embrace privacy as sacred, but lying or cheating as an absolute deal-breaker.

If one adheres to a strict morality about snooping on an SO, musn't one also accept the actions of the SO as simply not one's business?

Not directed at you Sara, just something I've been thinking about since this thread popped up.

 

 

i agree with what pg said above

but as to your question, i feel that you're confusing two different issues

1. You and your SO are in a committed relationship. You have each agreed to be monogamous with each other.  If either of you violates this agreement, then the other has been betrayed, hurt, and in most situations, will and should leave the relationship.

2. Neither you nor your SO cease to be individuals while in your relationship.  As an individual, you have the right to privacy of your thoughts, papers, belongings, effects and money.  Either of you can volunteer to share your private thoughts, papers, belongings, effects and money with the other if you choose, but your SO is not ENTITLED to have them without your consent.

When you formalize your relationship into a legal contract (marriage or civil union) then you are, depending on where you live, surrendering some property rights to your SO.  But the philosophical grounds of respecting someone's privacy should not change (imo).

But if you don't trust this person enough to NOT need to snoop on them, why in the world are you with them in the first place?

If you get a bad vibe, be observant of their behavior (consistently late on Tuesdays - whatever), but snooping is wrong. 

For people who snoop, the problem of lack of trust is probably your own insecurity  and not related to your SO at all, in which case, I feel sorry for him/her.

Original Post by kathygator:

Once again, you have absolutely nailed it, Pg.

I agree. It's the self-reliance that's key. And the ability to allow someone else their own decisions.

So many times I hear 'a relationship is nothing without trust'. Although I understand why people feel that way, I think trust comes in many variations.

one of the things that absolutely makes me cringe is when people demand that their SO (or, often, their children) "earn [my] trust back" after a transgression.  how on earth do you do that?  trust can't be earned.  it's not a commodity.  it can only be given.