Delete please
'Oopsie. Why [search deleted email, double click deleted email, access pass-protected email] lookie what we got here.'
Although Bootle does acknowledge what he did was snooping.
yeah, he said he snooped after he 'came across an email'
and i submit that he was snooping when he came across that email
so, why no trust in her?
if bootle was right to have suspicions/doubts, and apparently he was, then there was a more honest/honorable approach than snooping
tha's all
I agree. Snooping around is beneath me. But then so is cheating. Doesn't mean I don't understand it in others, I'm just far too narcissistic to allow myself to do it. :D
Original Post by monarch777:YIKES! I never encountered that, thankfully, or anything like puresparks wrote about the guy who's date robbed a Starbucks. Better safe than sorry! The worst thing I ever came across was a guy's public blog containing political essays I disagreed with. (Essays he had publicly posted of his own volition. Essays that were meant to be seen.)I actually googled someone I started to date. He was a (former) lawyer, and I found out he had been dis-barred for domestic violence a few years back. We talked about it, and I found out after getting to know him that he had a really misogynistic attitude about women. I don't think it hurt to know that information before I fell in love with him or got way too involved. It's not cyber-stalking if it is on the internet. It's public knowledge.
I do NOT approve of hacking into someone's private accounts, using spyware to monitor them, or going out of your way to harrass them if they've posted something not to your liking. But simply looking up public information doesn't seem like anything unusual and can actually make a good safety precaution.
the first email i found was sent to a family account, accessable by four people...although i have the capability, there was really no need to hack.
the deleted emails were retrieved from the mail server: deleting them in Outlook alone was not enough. again, not a huge feat.
perhaps i should have stated that before. too bad some of you though otherwise.
you can argue all day long that "what you do is your business," but if it hurts--or has the potential to hurt--someone else, then it no longer becomes just your business.
Was just joking with you Boot. Sorry you had to experience something so hurtful.
That's one of the downfalls of a topic like this I'm afraid. It's very subjective.
to your last: true enough - but where does snooping fit into it? Is it wrong only when there's nothing to find?
text loses tone, kathy. i did not take (great) offense to what anyone had written. i only wanted to point out that i didn't break out the shovel until a weed sprouted through the grass ;-)
and initially, i was not looking for weeds...
but alas, the experience was indeed painful...and there were times i simply wish i had not snooped. but i decided that if i were going to fall, i wanted to know where i was gonna hit and how hard the ground was gonna be.
your last question poses for a great debate, and can apply to so many different topics. but let's stick with snooping.
i think people need to decide only for themselves whether it is right or wrong. for me, i felt somewhat justified in what i was doing, but only for reasons stated before, and not without some associated guilt or shame. but ask yourself honestly: what are we trusting here? that our spouse will not cheat (in this case), or that if he or she does, he or she will have the decency to confess? where is the line (if it exists) drawn? is it better to simply trust and not know the truth? for some, perhaps. but there can be way too many circumstances to truly say it's right or wrong, whether founded or unfounded.
i acted in a manner i believe many (not all) of you would have, given similar circumstances.
the upshot is this: a gave my trust and it shattered. not by the fact that i snooped, but by the fact she deceived.
and yes: it was i alone that allowed her deception to shatter my trust.
Yes. I'm trying to get to the definition of trust, I think.
So what happened? Did you salvage the relationship or walk away?
And more importantly how has it effected you since?
wow. those are huge questions and will take some time to answer (but i have a meeting in 10 minutes that i really must attend!)
long story short: this is one of life's experiences. some of us go through it, some don't.
but i sleep just fine at night. i'm still angry at times, but not nearly as much as before.
Original Post by kathygator:
Original Post by smwhipple:
I'm an open book. I'm not going to share my passwords, but I'll certainly give straight up info to anyone who has a right to know. Want to know where I'm going, it's probably dancing, so grab your shoes and come along.
I would never dream of snooping on someone else. Whatever they may leave lying around is fair game to eyeball, but opening journals, checkbooks, credit cards statements, wallets, etc. without their knowledge is just wrong. If I can't trust someone to be honest with me then I'm done.
How do you know if they're being honest or not?
So many posts in these forums about women and girls who found out their SO's were cheating and were surprised and devastated.
It's interesting to me that so many people embrace privacy as sacred, but lying or cheating as an absolute deal-breaker.
If one adheres to a strict morality about snooping on an SO, musn't one also accept the actions of the SO as simply not one's business?
Not directed at you Sara, just something I've been thinking about since this thread popped up.
Actually, I have been cheated on. I didn't know it at the time and didn't actually know it until a few months after we'd broken up. After 4 years of dating, he'd gone away on a trip and been evasive when he came back. Then he started acting like a butthead so I finally broke up with him. The friendship did not survive the knowledge of the cheating. Had he told me, perhaps we might have remained friends, but since he didn't I just couldn't trust him and wanted nothing more to do with him.
In my experience, most men, when they've done something that they know is not right start acting odd. That's a sign to ask more questions.
i guess everyone who snoops doesn't mind being snooped on - which is fine
i say that because i think that 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' is a good rule of thumb for life
i don't snoop because i wouldn't like being snooped on
not because i'm doing anything i'm trying to hide or that i'm ashamed of -- seriously! i could use a few exciting and/or embarrassing events lately! all i do is work and sleep and work and sleep and work and work and sleep.
but when you go through my things, my papers, my files, my whatever, you are showing me that you do not respect my privacy at all and by extension, you don't respect me at all and that offends me
i'm glad the OP and her SO were able to get past their trust issues
it strikes me that a person's idea of how sacred their privacy should be is related to the concept of personal space
i don't like for people to invade my personal space either
i will move away from them if they do
privacy just extends the same sort of desire for integrity to my papers and belongings
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
^This is the text of the 4th amendment to the Constitution and while it only applies to actions of the government toward citizens, I believe that the right to be secure in my person, house, papers and effects should also be respected by other non-governmental people too.
Ms Whipple - You nailed it! "That's a sign to ask more questions."
Instead of actually confronting a SO (or simply asking "Hey, you are spending a lot of time with Julie lately... should I be concerned?") - snoop! Instead of spending weeks/months snooping, fretting about what you might find - why not spend 15 mins (or 15 seconds) and ask the question the moment it comes into your head and save the time and effort and emotional strain it takes to snoop? Still have doubts after your conversation? Ask it again! Not that easy for some so... I guess those people snoop. :o)
S.
asking is certainly fine, and it does not stand to reason that a cheater would also be a liar, but both do involve deception.
i asked and was told i had nothing to worry about. i was not convinced...turns out i had reason not to be.
so you can ask, and you may get a truth or you may get a lie or somewhere in between, and you can then satisfy yourself to say "i've asked and i have an answer and i trust my partner enough not to question it further," but what then when the behavior continues? for me, life is not always about simple questions and answers.
as for the 4th: the words "unreasonable searches and siezures" bothers me greatly. traditionally, our government would not investigate its citizens without due cause. but exactly who is to say what is reasonable or unreasonable for any one person? very subjective indeed. i suppose that is why we have our legal system in place.
I never minded being snooped on, I understood it was a very real possibility given my husband's trust issues. I never felt violated if he read my journal or rifled through my stuff.
Dunno exactly what kind of an autonomous being that makes me, except I guess I knew that there was nothing about my life that was so personal that he wasn't a part of it.
He had unfettered access to my soul, having a gander at my emails seemed fairly inconsequential, you know?
edit to add: and I never snooped on him, simply because it was rude to do so. Besides, when he misbehaved I could always tell. :)
sure, as i mentioned in one of my posts above, you do surrender some of your property rights when you get married and so hand in hand with that, you obviously won't have the same level of privacy that you had before you got married
and if you marry someone who doesn't trust you, then you surrender even more privacy than might be reasonable
i had no secrets from my ex-husband, nor he from me, as far as i know
but i still didn't rifle through his dresser drawers or his desk looking for something that would indicate some secret was being kept from me
I'm a snoop by nature. I don't look for things because I suspect anything, but I like to look at what people are into just because I'm bored and nosey. That being said, I have learned (the hard way) that everyone needs their space and no matter how bored I am I will respect their space. So, yes it's wrong.
i'd like to add also that i think snooping is a bit voyeuristic. watching someone without her or his knowledge of being watched can be both fascinating, and utterly creepy.
that said, how many of us would do half the things we do if we knew we were being watched (without introducing religion).
i once knew a woman who had cheated on her husband, told him about it, and the marriage survived. she still had the occaisional temtation, but told me that she now never went anywhere, said anything, or acted in any manner other than she would were her husband standing right beside her--whether he was or not.
interesting discipline.
'occasional temptation' simply doesn't compute for me. I don't get it at all. Maybe some people are just wired that way, I don't know.
no, you're right. i should omit the word occaisional, because really the question was, "do you ever get tempted?"
but on second thought, occaisional would be as opposed to always or never, and close to ever.
