desperately need support after a huge binge

Has any one else ever had 3500 extra calories WITHOUT gaining permanent weight?

I just need a little support.

I have recovered from a binge eating disorder.

In my mind, I view food as something I have when my body needs it; I look forward to each meal but I only like to have it when I actually need it, but I enjoy it while I have it and always take the time to sit down and savor all my meals.

I have pretty much gained control over my binge eating problem, but today I binged.

I am into raw, natural food, not 100% raw but believe in and enjoy the taste of food that is as close as possible to it’s natural state, so I eat a lot of raw and minimally processed foods; no refined sugar or preservatives. Ever.

SO today in the small town I live in, there was a picnic for people that are into raw food, and I got to meet some knew people who had the same view of food as I do!

There was a table FULL of food prepared when I got there, ABSOLUTALY AMAZING; extravagant raw deserts, dips, home made raw bread… honestly, it looked like something out of s gourmet recipe book. AMAZING. The host used no salt, refined sugar….. And used stuff grown from her own garden.

Lets just say, that I got a little over exited; I got myself a plate of food, a normal sized plate. I felt satisfied then I had a small serving one of the many raw deserts.

I brought containers to take to rest of the deserts home so I could have them another time BUT… something in me snapped, and once I tried another desert and then I just kept on going even though I had had enough!

I would have had close to 8000 calories over the space of 3 - 4 hours.

I felt so sick.

And no, I did not binge because I do not eat enough, and no I did no binge because of any fault in my diet; I have already eliminated the physical urged to binge.

So I did not binge for any physical reason, just to get that clear, so I do not have any one suggesting that I am not eating enough or etc, because today it was purely non physical; I was not hungry for any specific food, I just kept on eating and eating, the more I had, the more I thought that I had already blown it so I may has well have a little more because it won’t matter!

I very disappointed in myself, because I would have enjoyed myself a lot more if I had just eating my 1 plate of food, had a small desert, and then waited until my next meal … but no, I had to keep stuffing my face…

There may have been a little bit of self sabotage going on, because I was surrounded by my FAVORITE type of foods in the whole world, ( the raw carrot cake was the BEST cake I have eaten in my whole life. Literally) and part of me might have tried to ruin the good time, by binging?

Also, I was just genuinely amazed by how wonderful all the food looked - all raw, and all brilliantly prepared and delicious!

So THERES MY RANT!

I have definitely learnt my lesson - I have not binged in months, so today it really hit me how awful it feels to eat way too much food!

I am still improving my relationship with food every day, and this set back still hasn’t changed my general attitude towards food, it was just an old bad habit that came out today.

I feel SO FAT THOUGH omg. I am usually 113 lbs at 166 cm, with a BMI of 18.7 - 19 so I know I am “ slim” ( though not skinny - I have D cup breasts!) but I just feel all that food sitting inside me and I feel as though it will never go away and that I will gain permanent weight from this one binge!

Yes, I did eat more then 3500 EXTRA calories which means a lbs gain, and despite being a personal trainer I never feel the need to have to “ work off” every desert I have but this time around I HAVE actually eaten enough to gain 1 - 2 lbs

There's no such thing as 'permanent weight', is there?....  Body-fat is like the gas balloon in a storage tank... up and down all the time.   If you eat 3500 cals extra to what you need, yes, you've probably gained 1lb of fat but, if over the course of subsequent weeks you net 3500 less than you need it would gradually melt away.  In the same space of time your weight would fluctuate anyway depending on how well-hydrated you are.  1lb makes no difference to your health or how you look....

But it's fun to indulge once in a while...  We just had Christmas when a large number of people sit down to bigger than normal meals and eat things they wouldn't normally.  If we did it every day it would be pretty boring, not to mention unhealthy.  But being in a position to enjoy the occasional feast with friends is one of the simple joys of being human and being alive.  It's not 'awful' or a 'binge' or even something requiring self-reproach.... quite the reverse.  Keep a sense of perspective.

Thanks for your feedback Gi jane- I appreciate your contribution to this site!

I have a healthy attitude to food, I allow myself a small treat every day if I feel like it, and I eat all the foods I enjoy and have a good balance.

Today was just a one off thing that happened, and I it just took me by surprise because I am never usually like this. I have not been for months, since I had a binge eating problem, when my body physically NEEDED the food.

I made myself gain weight recently and have found my best natural set point and I am just so bummed that I stuffed so much food in!

I do not ENJOY eating too much, that is not something I actually enjoy doing - I enjoy eating a piece of cake once in a while, but I do not enjoy stuffing myself with food.

Food stops tasting good to me once I eat too much of it, so on Christmas and occasions I make sure I enjoy the TYPE of food - but I never feel the desire to eat MORE then usual. Having any extra food just does not taste any better or make me enjoy it any more then normal amounts of it.

AGH gosh I hope I don’t gain weight from this. It is HOURS after the binge and I STILL feel very ill from it. DAMN IT. I have had such a healthy balanced approach for months and then out of no where I have sabotaged myself.

I don’t want to gain weight! I feel crap right now.

 You were thoroughly enjoying what you ate at the time... it was 'absolutely amazing', remember?  That's usually what makes most people eat more than they intend to.  Its not that it tastes better in bigger quantities it's just 'more-ish'.... completely and totally normal.   What's not normal, unfortunately, is your reaction.  There are much, much worse things that can happen to you than to gain 1lb in weight....

I know a calorie is a calorie, but 8K of raw food without refined sugars couldn't be that bad for you and you can cut back some today and increase your workout to offset the extra calories.... Does't sound that bad....... Really!

I used to have binge eating disorder, so I know anytime after a I "overeat" now on a holiday/special occassion I tend to beat myself up and physically don't feel well at all since I am not used to eating so much food, especially of that nature, in so short time....

but I think the key is that, like someone else has already said, this wasn't a "binge"....it was you enjoying a once in a blue moon special occassion...and overeating on those days alone and then going back to your usual routine no problem is perfectly fine...we're human and certainly allowed to mark special occassions with food if we wish to like everyone else lol....

I know on Chistmas day I made a decision to eat whatever I wanted whenever for that day alone...I did it...sure I felt glutonous and yea ate about/the same amount that I use to eat when I had beinge eating disorder...but the difference between this and the binges I had when I had my ED...1.) I made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to eat for that day and that day alone at dinner/dessert and 2.) had absolutely no problem returning to my normal routine the next day....and 3.) sure I felt guilty and always remember my binge eating disorder when I eat like that, but I recognized these differences....and yea i know that yucky overstuffed feeling you get the next day, but don't try to compensate for it...go back to your normal routine and you'll be perfectly fine with 100% certainty!

you're perfectly fine...be happy you enjoyed some wonderful food with some great people and had such a wonderful oppurtunity!

The thing to remember is that you are recovering from an eating disorder.  Recovery doesn't mean perfection and never bingeing again. It means being human, having slip-ups, and doing your best to learn from them. You'd never know how to avoid mistakes if you didn't make them. I think what GI Jane and other posters are trying to do is help you reframe this. Guilt is not a productive way to deal with a binge, since it's one of the negative feelings that leads to binges in the first place.

Good luck.

Staps065: No one should EVER compensate for overeating. It leads to a vicious cycle and is extremely unhealthy.

Personaltrainer: Scared of gaining weight!

I don't know if you missed that, but I replied to you there.

You've otherwise had some good advice on both threads and, I have to say, at a BMI of 19 or thereabouts you do have to consider if you are really in a sustainable place and a truly healthy weight. To me, it seems just... far too low to be such. You give good advice across the board, but perhaps you need listen to your own and think of your future.

Furthermore one day's indulgence will not hurt you. Even if the calorie amount was high, I don't think you're describing an honest binge. Did you feel utterly out of control as you ate, or were you enjoying yourself, your company, your time out? Do not beat yourself up either way. If you still feel physically uncomfortable drink some warm teas and for heaven's sake, relax. Stressing makes it worse!

I've also been an overeater. But I know there is uncontrallable bingeing, and then eating more than usual because it's a special day. There can be a difference between excessive and in excess. You have to remember that too.

Your totally right Jane - my reaction indicates that I still place emphasis on my slim figure, because I don’t feel good about how I look, and other areas of my life - I won’t go into detail, but that is part of my problem!

I have no desire to be a specific weight by the way, just lookin slim and healthy and the general picture of health - it is one attribute about me, and i just do not feel good about myself other wise, which means I some times place too much importance and depend too much of my feelings on this one little good thing about me.

I am pretty insightful and aware of my issues, but thank you for reminding me that my reaction was not “ normal” - it reminded me about the issues I need to focus on

LALA - I appreciate your advice on my BMI, but I know my body well, and I have worked hard and put the effort in to determining what is best for my body.

I have worked hard to turn my old ED desire to look thin, into the desire to get my body to function the best it can, because I believe that the better your body functions, the easier it is to reach all your potentials in life; academically, socially, and physically, and I would not ruin my efforts in recovery by artificially keeping my body at a weight that was too low for it.

I did not over eat yesterday for any physical reasons, I know what it is like to over eat when the body needs the food, and I did not over eat yesterday because I craved the food; I know what that feels like, and that was not the case yesterday.

I am a naturally slim small framed women, with large D cup breasts even when my BMI 18 - I do not look skinny, just athletic and slim, and I know what it feels like to lack energy and need to gain weight and I do not feel like that any more, and I have gotten to a place where I feel the best I have ever felt in my life.

LALA - also - it was not an uncontrolled binge where I stuffed my face, I was surrounded by people.

I have an old tendency to self sabotage - and that is what I did yesterday. I am lonely a lot of the time with no friends or family near me, and yesterday I went to a gathering of people who are into raw food and had something in common with me - I needed to get out and be around people, but it was also the first time I have met people with a common interest!

The table was set with AMAZING food - EVERYTHING I LOVE the most in the whole world - with people who felt the same way about food as I did, and something inside of me sabotages me when I see the potential to be really happy.

After I had eaten enough food, I did not binge uncontrollably in a way that would draw attention to myself, I just kept eating and eating even and eating. I knew It felt crap, and I kept doing it as it is an old mechanism I use to sabotage myself and my happy ness.

It was a binge in the sense that I punished my body with way too much food - I ate enough for it to be considered a binge, but the context of how I did it in the situation I was in makes me uncertain about weather it was an official “ binge” or not. Either way, I self destructed and ate too much food. Not sure if I should call it a binge, sorry, I just don’t know what you consider a binge.

Well guys, I have gotten back from the gym and feel great and I have come to some realizations:

At my current BMI of 19 I should not worry about gaining a little weight - some one with a BMI of 19 should not care if they gain an extra 1 - 2 lbs, so I have decided to welcome any extra weight I might have gained because it is no big deal and nothing to be upset about.

I felt so good doing the exercise today and it really hit me that I feel best when I do things that are good for my body - so my only concern regarding my body is that I treat it well and do things that make me feel good!

I have decided to not embrace the old disordered way of thinking, and to challenge it with logic; I want to feel good about my body, and don’t care about small fluctuations in weight as long as my body is functioning well!

I am not going to be a victim to any disordered thoughts this year, and I am going to challenge them whenever they arise.

While if that food made you happy initially, I'd class it a binge if you kept on eating beyond fullness, to a point you no longer enjoyed the food - just ate for the sake of eating. It only irks me when people use binge in the sense of, "oh no, I totally binged on cookies - I ate two instead of one!" and so on.

And I am glad you're happy to accept fluctuation. But do still be aware, a BMI of 19 may not be one you can sustain for life.

Just my opionion, but what it really sounds like with this thread and others is that the real idea is that you 19bmi weight is the one you like in your head and are comfortable with mentally, not what your body necessarily likes.  You don'tneed to respond to this with another novel about knowing your body because it really does sound like most of your posts are a rationalizing "its okay" for yourself.  Hey, it is your choice!  You don't have to convince me of anything. :) I just thought I'd give you an outside glimpse of what it seems like is really going on.

First off - WHY are you commenting on my BMI? I specifically said that “ I DID NOT BINGE BECAUSE MY BODY FELT LIKE EXTRA FOOD” I went out of my way to say that I KNOW why I binged, and therefore did not need advice about it being because my BMI was low or etc. I did not want wasted comments on the post, I did not need advice about binge eating.

I appreciate you taking the time to explain your observations, and yes, my old ED desire to be thin does shine through my posts I am aware of that, but ultimately I have turned that desire into wanting to be as healthy and fit and toned as I can; numbers, BMI’S, and etc do not matter to me any more, and I am letting my body stay where it likes to.

I know what is best for my body more then you do, and my current weight and BMI are working fine for me, thanks

I am going to continue to do what feels best for me and if I ever do gain weight then that is fine, as long as I am doing what feels best for my body

By the way - my BMI was 17 - 18.5 for a few years, and it is only recently this year that I made the decision to gain weight to a BMI of 19

A BMI of 19 is curvy on my small build, I now have large D cup breasts and my previous post DO reek of the desperation to be thinner then I should be, and I know that, but what I want to stress, is that my previous posts are me wanting to cling to my old low weight, there is nothing wrong with my current BMI, I have worked hard to reach a healthy BMI for me which is why I am defensive when people I don’t even know tell me I need to gain more weight.

But I totally agree with you, that my posts have sounded like you described. A part of me was so used to being a certain weight that it was hard t let go of that security, especially since I did not try hard enough to work on other ways to feel good about myself other then being thin.

Looking back on my old posts has just made me say “ to hell” with how things were, and I feel so liberated now that I have stopped counting calories, and now that I eat what I want to eat - and you know what people? And you know what? Since relaxing about food I have not blown up, it was not a catastrophe, and my body just found a weight that it wanted to be at . It was not the end of the world

Has any one else found it hard to cope with feeling satisfied al the time? I feel great being constantly satisfied and full of food, but very occasionally I have moments where I feel a little “ greedy” feeling so full all of the time… any one else had a similar experience?