LOCKED TOPIC

really desperatly need help, dont know weather to terminate pregnancy

Ok, so I know there are other websites out there more targeted to this sort of thing, but I am so amazed by all the support I have had over the years from the members of cc and i have come to realise everything is intertwined anyway.  I wish it were a little more anonymous, but right now screw it Im really upset and could do with some opinions and help.

I am unexpetantly pregnant with our second child.  our daughter who is now 3, was  a complete shock to the system, i was 22 and had been dating my boyfriend (who was from the other side of the world from me) for 3 months before I fell pregnant.  I was on the pill but probably had taken it incorrectly - missed a day or two- without really being overly concerned about the consequences until I had to face them.  It was a huge decision, weather to keep the baby or abort.  I didnt know if my boyfriend would stick around either way.  I eventually decided I would rather be a single mother than have an abortion.  the pregnancy was horrible, my boyfriend and i fought every day due to him freaking out about having a baby, i cried several times a day and was never sure if and when he might leave me.

amazingly we have stuck together and actually got married this feb.  3 months later I am pregnant again.  Once again, its my fault, I took the risk, thinking I would leave it in fates hands and we could deal with it if it happend.  i thought my husband felt the same way.  Mis communication, turns out he is in no way ready and its actually the LAST thing he wants.  So once again, I am in this situation.  I cant deal with another unhappy, guilt filled and uncertain pregnancy like I did with our daughter.  I admit, we are in no financial state to have another child and the future is nothing but uncertain. we had just started to get on our feet after our first child and now this is going to take us back to square one.

(not to mention today i tried to go for my usual run and had to end up walking home.  then this morning i stepped on the scales and have put ON two pounds, despite a careful diet for the last 4weeks.!F!!)

At the same time, I just dont know if at 26, married, already a mother I can justify termination.

Im really sorry about this huge sensitive post, but I seriously have nobody to talk to about this and would really appreciate some advice

Original Post by fightinginsanity:

We were born to serve others, that is where we will find the sweetest fulfillment.

I wasn't born to serve anyone.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

it's your body; it's your choice.  don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

I agree with this. People feel like a that being pregnant means you 100% have to go through with it all when sometimes it's simply best for the mother to not have it (Oh noes! Someone not concerned with the unborn, not developed child!?).  I know that not everyone is blessed with children, but that doesn't mean that everyone needs to have them.

I don't know your beliefs, I don't know your situation, and I'm not saying you should abort, but I think that you should sit down and think what is really best for you and think about it 18 years down the line.

Yeah, you'll love the kid (hopefully), but will you still be as well off? How will the rest of the family be? Your marriage? Your relationship with your other child? Will you be happy?

If you can answer all of these without any guilt or badgering from anyone (for or against it), I think you'll find out what's best for you.

Best of luck to you.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by fightinginsanity:

We were born to serve others, that is where we will find the sweetest fulfillment.

I wasn't born to serve anyone.

hear hear!

i am 100% pro-choice.

tani - do what you feel will be best for you and yours. don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

this planet is unbelievably over-populated, cruel, and polluted - and becoming more so every second (as horrible reasoning as that is..).  i have no desire to bring a child into this world myself.  if, someday, i feel the pull of mother-hood, i plan on adopting.  so many poor children around the world without homes and families already..

in the end, though, simply be true to yourself.

Just wanted to echo what a few others have said.  Only you know whether or not it is right for you to have another baby at this time.  You don't have to justify anything to yourself or to other people when it comes to your body and your life.  

I will never understand this kind of thing. You made a mistake that happens. Everyone makes mistakes but we are talking life and death  here. I never understood how a woman could get pregnant and think it is  her right to "choose" whether to kill the baby or let it live. I just don't get how people can do that. The baby is a life. Not your body, not part of your body. It is a life that you are simply holding inside of you while the child grows and then can be born into the world. But the baby is not part of  your body so  you don't have a right to kill it. If you don't want another child go to your Doctor who can refer you to an adoption clinic. There are plenty of people who do what children and they will find the baby a good home. No killing involved. Then get on a dependable form of birth control, communicate with your partner so you both know exactly what you want so there are no more mistakes.

Original Post by littleshellys:

I never understood how a woman could get pregnant and think it is  her right to "choose" whether to kill the baby or let it live. I just don't get how people can do that. The baby is a life. Not your body, not part of your body.

and i'm sure this belief will inform your decision when it's your unplanned pregnancy.  but it's your belief, so let's not impose it on everyone else, okay?

human life is no more sacred than any other, and we sacrifice other life forms all the time for our comfort, convenience, and health. 

we have almost 7 billion people on a planet that can support 3 billion, and every new human life contributes to that and all our other problems.  abortion is just as moral and ethical a choice as the alternatives, if not moreso.

Original Post by littleshellys:

I will never understand this kind of thing. You made a mistake that happens. Everyone makes mistakes but we are talking life and death  here. I never understood how a woman could get pregnant and think it is  her right to "choose" whether to kill the baby or let it live. I just don't get how people can do that. The baby is a life. Not your body, not part of your body. It is a life that you are simply holding inside of you while the child grows and then can be born into the world. But the baby is not part of  your body so  you don't have a right to kill it. If you don't want another child go to your Doctor who can refer you to an adoption clinic. There are plenty of people who do what children and they will find the baby a good home. No killing involved. Then get on a dependable form of birth control, communicate with your partner so you both know exactly what you want so there are no more mistakes.

This is your opinion, likely informed by some religious belief.  Not everyone subscribes to your belief, nor do they have to in the US.  This would be your choice, and there is nothing wrong with that, but let each woman decide for herself what is the best course of action. 

Now that there is a baby (a real human being, who you are debating whether or not to kill/murder) growing inside of you, it is no longer about you or your husband. It is about the baby. That child has just as much right to life as you do or anyone else who has commented or anyone else in the world.

I know women who have aborted children and they are spending the rest of their lives haunted by it. They think about where their child would be at this or that point in life. They talk about how the abortion clinics do not care about you once you are in there. It is an extrememly painful process, and not just emotionally. One woman walked into an abortion clinic, and saw how truly awful it was, she wanted to leave. But since she had an appointment they drug her into the room and literally murdered her child before her eyes. They strapped her down so they could kill the baby. Another time a women talked about how the abortion procedure went wrong and when they were sucking the child limbs off, the baby came out and writhed in pain on the table until dead. And she had to watch all of it.

I know people can and probably will come back at me and say they know people who had the most pleasant experience during the murder of their children, but it is not always that way.

Original Post by live4health:

One woman walked into an abortion clinic, and saw how truly awful it was, she wanted to leave. But since she had an appointment they drug her into the room and literally murdered her child before her eyes. They strapped her down so they could kill the baby. Another time a women talked about how the abortion procedure went wrong and when they were sucking the child limbs off, the baby came out and writhed in pain on the table until dead. And she had to watch all of it.

somebody's been telling you stories. 

i have no doubt that someone who believes as you do, and who had a voluntary abortion in spite of her beliefs (which we know happens all the time), would have regrets.  but if it's well thought out and consistent with one's values, it's far less traumatic than childbirth and parenting.

by the way, live4health, if you eat, drive, have a home, and otherwise live like a normal human being, you "kill" all the time. 

I didn't read all these posts b/c the first thing that came to my mind is....There are so many wonderful couples out there who try so hard to have babies.  Loving, caring, kind spirits who just can't conceive.  And here you are, pregnant, scoffing at adoption when you're thinking about terminating.  I support abortion in certain cases; but when you are married and already have a family; it seems selfish. 

You and your husband made a childl; you messed your pill up and obviously knew the consequences of what could happen; and since you don't want to "go through 9 months of pregnancy just to give up your baby" it's actually making me ill.

I don't post very opinionated responses; but this got me very upset.  Deal with it and make this innocent baby a part of your family; or find a loving couple who are looking to adopt a child.

Original Post by vanessa1031:

I didn't read all these posts b/c the first thing that came to my mind is....There are so many wonderful couples out there who try so hard to have babies. 

and there are millions upon millions of babies and children out there, many of them hungry and sick.

there's no baby shortage, vanessa.  reproduction is inherently selfish.  we have almost 7 billion people on a planet that can support 3 billion; we don't need more.  we need to take care of the ones we already have.

pgeorgian- Why do you feel the need to backstab every response that is for the baby. We are thinking about other people than ourselves. By the way, this isn't your post, and it is not your place to tell everyone else they are wrong and you are the only one with correct advice.

The OP asked for advice and we are just responding with our comments and opinions, she can take what she wants from it.

Hi Tani, Would your husband consider counseling? Maybe someone from the outside to help sort both of your feelings?

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Original Post by vanessa1031:

I didn't read all these posts b/c the first thing that came to my mind is....There are so many wonderful couples out there who try so hard to have babies. 

and there are millions upon millions of babies and children out there, many of them hungry and sick.

there's no baby shortage, vanessa.  reproduction is inherently selfish.  we have almost 7 billion people on a planet that can support 3 billion; we don't need more.  we need to take care of the ones we already have.

 I agree with you PG, that there are million of babies out there who are hungry and sick.  But there are plenty of loving couples who are not able to conceive.  And I agree with you that this planet is overcrowded and resources are limited.  And I DEFINITLY agree with you that we need to take care of the people we already have. 

It just makes me angry that people act in the moment, then think later.  And the outcome is an innocent baby already in an environment that is selfish and loathing.  But I could probably a pick out a handful of women on this Pregnacny Forum that have spent $$$$$ on trying to just get pregnant.  I'm sure it angers them even more to read something like this.  And I feel for them.   

Original Post by live4health:

pgeorgian- Why do you feel the need to backstab every response that is for the baby. We are thinking about other people than ourselves. By the way, this isn't your post, and it is not your place to tell else they are wrong and you are the only one with correct advice.

The OP asked for advice and we are just responding with our comments and opinions, she can take what she wants from it.

i don't understand what "backstab every response" means, but i am trying to balance out the discussion.  you want to argue for a baby because you think it's the "moral" choice; i think abortion is just as moral, if not moreso.

25 pro-lifers and two or three pro-choicers?  don't know why you feel so attacked.

i also don't understand how promoting reproduction in an already terminally overpopulated world constitutes "thinking about other people than ourselves."  it's rather the opposite; it's thinking about only ourselves, everyone else be damned.

but like all the pro-lifers, you'll ignore the fact that the last thing we need is more human beings.

Original Post by vanessa1031:

It just makes me angry that people act in the moment, then think later.  And the outcome is an innocent baby already in an environment that is selfish and loathing.  But I could probably a pick out a handful of women on this Pregnacny Forum that have spent $$$$$ on trying to just get pregnant.  I'm sure it angers them even more to read something like this.  And I feel for them.   

well, this discussion should have been in the lounge.  but it's not.

regardless, spending $$$$$ on trying to get pregnant doesn't help either, does it?

the thing about overpopulation is this: everyone acknowledges it, but the solution always seems to be that other people should stop having babies; it rarely seems to occur that we should stop having babies.  and given the fact that your average north american baby will probaby consume about 1000 times what a baby in the developing world will in its lifetime, we are exactly the people who should stop reproducing.

you know, the other thing that gets ignored is the fact that abortion is a natural process.  animals abort all the time, when resources are scarce.  and our resources are bloody scarce, people!

the fact that we've lost the ability to abort voluntarily without medical intervention is unfortunate, but abortion is a necessary process for the survival of any species.

Tani, Do what you know is right.

What we have forgotton is its tani's right to do what she feels best suits her own individual situation.

That is what Pro-Choice is.   The choice to choose which ever avenue she feels is best for her.

Choice allows us options which includes termination if that is the route she wants to take, its HER choice to make.  Would we want the will of others placed over us.

I myself have terminated 2 pregnancies.  one when I was 18 the other when I was 19.  I never fell into depression.  Never had any complications and I know my life would have never under any circumstances ended up the way it is now.

Tani has a child already. Suffered through a difficult pregnancy and also has an unsupportive husband.

The fact that you are posting on here really tells me that it is not an easy decision for you. Even though other people might not feel any guilt, you are a different person. Some people truly have deep empathy, are easier guilted and have a completely different response to the things that others do. I have freinds that have moved forward and others that have very deep remorse and wish they had stuck out the pregnancy. They made a 'choice' but were in a different frame of mind then. Not putting anyone else down (I don't know anyone above me) but you don't want to make a quick decision now that is irreversible. A lot of things in life can and will change for you in the next few years, and you never know in what direction.

I would suggest journaling your feelings every day, getting as much information as you can and talking to the people around you that would be the most affected by your situation. Seeing what type of support other trusted family members and friends may have to offer. I think you owe it to yourself to make the most informed decision possible. And I believe that you are a strong enough woman to deal with whatever life gives you.  I don't know the details, but if your marriage is truly troubled, will having an abortion save it? Just a thought..like I said, I don't know the details.