I didn't go to IHOP... hubby upset...

Okay... I think my husband is becoming more annoyed daily by my lifestyle change, even if I do not talk about it. Some Sunday's after church we go out for brunch. Most times we go to Mimi's, but lately we have been going to IHOP. I had to work early yesterday, so I did not go to church. My mother and my husband called me to let me know that they were at IHOP and I could meet the family there. I drove to IHOP after work, and sat in the parking lot. I pulled open my "calorie guide" and looked up IHOP. I could not find anything that was within my calorie limit for the day. Anything I ate would have put me way over... or, if I tried to cut back... I would have just been hungry later...and over my count. So, I started the car up and left. I went home, and made myself an egg scramble...like what I would have ordered at IHOP, but so I could control the calories, and the portions.

When my hubby got home, he say me eating, and asked why I did not come to family brunch.... and when I told him. He was visibly upset. I could not help it. I did not want to sit there and eat toast, or worry about, how many calories I was consuming. So I left. This is so hard...

Okay, firstly, do you understand why your husband is upset? And does he fully understand why you didn't want to go? Because these are the two fundemental issues that need sorting right away.

The trouble tends to be that once you start to change your lifestyle and stop doing things you used to do, your close friends and family can feel like they are being rejected,and that they are not good enough for the "new you". Which sounds exactly how your hubby is feeling and is quite frankly how I would feel in his situation. As far as he is concerned, you missed FAMILY BRUNCH, which happens EVERY Sunday after church, he probably doesn't understand how calories could be so important that you would drive all the way their and then just go home.

Perhaps you could try changing some of your traditions, having people over to brunch at your house so you controls what goes in the food? Going to a healthier place? Going once a month and just lumping with it?

But what is crucial is that you should NOT let your lifestyle change cause a rift between you and hubby, your goals or weightloss should not ever come between you spending time with your family. Family is so important and it sounds like you are such a family orientated lady, I'm sure you would never want that to happen! So TALK to the hubby, talk to the family, explain and try and suggest new things. It will be both of you making concessions, but that has to be better than driving all the way to see your family and spend time with them, and then going home!

Sorry if I have just gabbled, I hope this helps! Good luck!

xxxxx

I seem to remember something about being able to order oatmeal at IHOP? And they definitely do things with bananas (think banana pancakes), so just ask for oatmeal with a banana in it! Mmmm...

Well, it sounds like the point of the "family brunch" is for the family to get together, not necessarily the eating part.  Your husband may have thought you were trying to avoid the family instead of it being motivated by food concerns.  In any case, that the food concerns prevented you from spending time with your family might be something to be concerned about.  You know more about your family situation, but I would still advise you against cutting yourself off from people, especially family, because of food and dieting.  Is making sure you're within your count for the day really worth upsetting and alienating people you love?   Surely on a once a week outing, there's room for compromise - on both sides.

Surely you could have ordered a small side salad, small bowl of soup, and a water so you could have at least been there.  I've been to IHOP lots of times, and was able to find reasonable selections.  Portion control is a matter of knowing when to stop and put the rest in a go box.  Besides, going over your limit a little on one day a week will not derail efforts - even so, you could still have a lighter breakfast, or add 5-10 more minutes of exercise in the morning or evening.  You could suggest a better restaurant for family brunch that has selections that you're more comfortable ordering.

Be very careful - I know it's your health, and it's obviously something important to you, but there is a way to balance it with family.  I hope you find a way to do so that's reasonable for everyone.

The lifestyle change includes being able to participate in your life. There are always choices wherever you go, you just have to be able to think outside the box, do the best you can with the order, and enjoy the time with your family.

In this case, I eat before I go, then have something small when Im there, dry toast, egg (s), fresh fruit

I hear what all of you are saying. To a point I agree. But, what am I supposed to do? I have not learned sufficiently yet, how to make really good low cal choices eating out... on the fly. If I know where we are going ahead of time... I can plan better and feel better about it. We had not planned to go to brunch this Sunday... we usually do not go when I work. You have to understand that this is how it happens. Oh...one day a week going over will not kill you. Yeah, but in my family we are together a lot. So, it is never just one opportunity to slip up...it is multiple. We never choose healthy restaurants. Take a look at my other sister who became a vegetarian. In the beginning it was really hard for her to participate in family meals, because no one was sensitive to her needs. Now...it is a little better. Mom always tries to have something that she can eat at every meal.

Case in point... last week I asked my husband to make a salad. I gave him the salad mix I wanted him to use. He takes the mix and then adds... garbanzo beans, croutons, carrots, cucumbers, craisins, romaine, and tomatoes. All sounds great. But, he just dumped stuff in the bowl, in mass quantities. So I was like I just will not eat it. I was already making my home made pizzas that I had been saving all day for. He was like... "IT IS ALL JUST VEGETABLES", and got mad. I had a little bit of the salad. But, it is like that every day. "Oh it is just this, or just that." Well after awhile "just this or that" becomes a lot. I have to draw a line. I will try harder to be more flexible.

I am 31 and have hypertension. I have a family history of diabetes. I weigh 216lbs, and have a BMI of 35. It is serious for me. I want to be here for my kids, I can not have any more children because of my blood pressure. My weight has seriously impacted my life. I do not like the way I look, or feel. So... I am a little obsessed. I will just have to work harder at it.

Thank you for the support.

Sweetie, it's alright. I know it's hard, but it's easy to figure out. A couple of eggs and a side of fruit can be got at IHOP, or anywhere else. If they send sides, give them away or don't eat them.

DOn't worry, you'll get better at figuring these things out! And it sounds like the main problem with hubby is communication. He doesn't seem to understand whta you can/can't eat and why. Maybe you should ask him to sit down with you someimte and you can show him what you're trying to do, how many cals you'll need to eat per day, and how much is in the things you both normally eat.

Men are visual learners. Maybe if you show him "Here is my weight. Here is my BMI. This is how much I need to weigh to be healthy. This is how much I need to eat to be healthy. This is how much is our favorite dinner" he might be more supportive. I can understand why he's upset about you rmissing brucnh or not eating the salad he made if he doesn't really get what your plan is all about.

Hi ,

I am brand new here. I agree with the others ,you need to spend time with your family or this won't work. You cna't commit to something that causes you to be isolated from your regular life. HOWEVER your family needs to be supportive of your decisions. I am sure it would really rot to go out and everyone is eating all these yummy but terrible for the diet foods. But you are setting a good example. It is important for your children to see that as well. Your family history is theirs as well. I am a couple years younger themn you and I have two kids and am unable to have anymore b/c of my high blood pressure. I am struggling with my weight and am finding sticking to any diet or lifestyle change really hard. I know how bad temptation can be, but you have to spend timewith your family. Good luck.

i sympathize with your frustration.  My BF likes to go to Burger King (or similar) when we are in town and its lunch time.  I have learned to just sit there and have a diet coke.  Even if you are really really really hungry you definitely WONT starve in the hour or so it takes to get home and get some food you can count.

Another idea is to keep some sort of healthy snack (protein bar), apple, crackers, (or  similar) in your car that you can munch on before you go in to take the edge off your hunger.  

Original Post by lessin08:

He takes the mix and then adds... garbanzo beans, croutons, carrots, cucumbers, craisins, romaine, and tomatoes. All sounds great. But, he just dumped stuff in the bowl, in mass quantities.

Well, I gotta say, that doesn't sound like that bad of a salad, hon.   However, if you already had in mind about what you were specifically expecting out of the salad, you need to communicate that to your hubby.  Or, suggest to him that he prepare the ingredients, and then sort of have a "build your own" salad night (my hubby and I have this a lot).   In all fairness to your hubby, he was trying, and probably got upset when you refused the salad because, as far as he could tell, he did exactly what you told him to do.  I'm guessing that because this is new that you're not all that practiced at eyeballing quantities, and making reasonable restaurant choices, but it will get better.

Just don't get so obsessed about it that it interferes with relationships - then you'll be dealing with emotional stress, which will only complicate the hypertension.  Sit down with your husband and talk with him about your exact plans, and what you can both do do help you get healthier.  If you can be a little more flexible, and be clear about your preferences and goals, your husband might be more willing and helpful participant (and may even join you).

lessin08,  it will get easier.  Also, don't be afraid to ask for special orders.  Tell them dry toast, no butter.  Have a poached or boiled egg that would be prepared with no oil at all.  I would also ask the family to please let you know in advance where y'all will be eating and then you can plan your day around that.  Keep up your good work, less.  You are doing great!

I doesn't hurt to have an occasional 'cheat' but you need to decide when and what you want it to be.

Hi There! I am sorry to hear about your Sunday and certainly understand both of you feeling the way you did.

 Just keep in mind that EVERY restaurant has something for you.  Sometimes you just need to open the menu to 'fool' everyone into thinking you are looking for something to eat, when really---you already know what to order.

For IHOP or any bruch spot--you can always do a 2 egg omelet with egg beaters and all the veggies you want (tom/peppers/onions).  Skip the cheese.  Then, order it with fruit instead of potatoes and wheat toast.  That's it!

For lunch/dinner--you can always order grilled chicken with veggies and start with a side salad.

Just about any restaurant you go to---they will be able to accomodate these requests.  And if you are embarrassed when you order b/c you are now so 'picky'...try to find something on the menu to tweak.  You can order the 'Veggie Omelet with NO CHEESE and fruit instead of potatoes please".  You do it so quick that no-one notices...

hi, i definately think that this should not be causing a rift with your husband and family and that you certainly have some options!  someone above suggested getting together at your home after church and i think that's a great idea.... you can do a potluck type deal if you dont' want to have to provide for everyone... or just have a tea! 

if you do go out somewhere then remember it's about the get together not the food, maybe you could of just eaten the toast?  or as soon as you get your food put half of it to be wrapped up... always ask them to tweak things the way you want it... i'm a vegetarian and slightly picky so i'm used to ordering things like chicken and pasta with no chicken and extra tomatoes, etc.  ask them nicely and they never have a problem with it... i dont' eat eggs so i can't tell you the best way to order them to make them healthy but maybe eggs and veggies? or fruit? or a piece of toast, cup of tea, and some fruit? 

i know it's very frustrating that social gatherings always have to revolve around food/alchohol so i'm trying to make the best choices myself now too... but make sure your communicating with your family and let them know what's going on. maybe your husband would even split a meal with you if it means you coming out!

 good luck.

edit: just read your other post.... the salad doesn't sound bad :)  but it sounds like you need to really clearly define everything you want with your husband and family... like with your sister being vegetarian they might just need to see that your serious and not just doing some fad thing before they will start to accomodate you.  point out that being around for your kids is a lot more important then the meal.  but make sure you are being gratiious when they do try to help! if he makes a salad adn you don't touch it he's going to get frustrated and never do it again... let him know he can be creative with veggies, but skip the beans (or whatever part of it you didn't want), or something like that.  it will get easier!!  and when you go out, even if you haven't prepared beforehand they will always have something you can eat!  heck even burger king has a veggie burger now, it's *almost* healthy to go there! worse comes to worst, get yourself a salad or a couple sides (like potatoes and veggies) and finish off your meal when you get home with something you can make yourself.

 

hmm..These dont look to bad calwise:

http://www.shapefit.com/ihop.html

100-300 cals are a normal sized "diety" meal 

You could also just make sunday your maintain count day.
That will help keep you from feeling deprived and help with your loss because you body has a day to relax. Also...as you drop your weight you will see what you can eat at "X" weight to find your personal food want level thats comfortable. On sundays you will learn how to maintain. The rest of the week diet count level.

I agree that its really easy to just have coffee, tea or soda and toast if you dont feel like counting and just eat later.

You are just learning about foods so what i suggest is to write a list of all your things you like to eat. Spend a night looking up the calories for those portions.

If you like to be organized you can even put the different types on colored notecards to flip through when thinking about what to eat.

I can certainly understand why you didn't go in, but your husband does have a valid point as well.  I agree with everyone else who posted that you have to find a way to adopt a better eating style for life and not just do a brief diet and that needs to accommodate your family and other social obligations/needs.

It does get easier.  When you first start, it's hard to figure out how much of what to eat and what you can have versus what you want to have.   Generally menus will have heart smart choices which are frequently some of the best selections for dieting, too.  You can always ask them to do an egg white scramble with very little olive oil.  The olive oil will give you some of the good fats that you need in your diet.  Egg whites or egg beaters generally have fewer calories for the same volume.  Oatmeal is another good option.  I generally ask for sauces on the side with everything because I prefer to just dip my fork in them for flavor and it also saves a ton of calories.

Sorry you had that rough time. My DH doesn't always 'get it' either but really, it's my battle. He cooks a lot, which is great (!) but whereas I would saute a chicken breast in a little spray and maybe some broth, he uses a quarter of an inch of oil --to "seal in the juices". OI! My easy out is to take loads of vegys when he cooks and slip 50 to 75% of the meat to my bottomless pit stepson. I make up the protein somewhere else.  I suppose my hubby doesn't really like the chicken when I make it either but we try and be as nice as we can to each other.  Today he baked 8 loaves of whole wheat bread from scratch. It will be a real test of my will power not to over do it tonight. Gotta love 'em!

If I were a psychologist I would probably say that your objections to the salad had to do with something else. Really, it isn't that hard to eat around garbanzo beans, croutons and craisins. Everything else had negligible calories.

this is a new book i discovered and plan to buy very soon.

it's called "Eat This, Not This" by David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding. you can order it on Amazon.com and save about half of what you'd pay at a book store. it's awesome. it shows you thousands of food swaps that can help you save 10, 20, 30 lbs or more. all kinds of restaurants. i don't know for sure, but i bet IHop is in there, along with a lot of other favorites i did see. Bob Evans, Applebees to McDonalds and Burger King.

example. if your going to eat at one of these places....granted we know..bad bad fast food..but let's say you do just for the sake of this example. if your going to be naughty and get a burger, get a Big Mac at 540 calories and 29 grams of fat instead of a Whopper, at 760 calories and 47 grams of fat!

so, with the assistance of a very easy to use book you can take anywhere with you, you can sit down and it will help you figure out what to order. even when that restaurant doesn't really want to tell you what's in their food!

lessin08...no more excuses! people sometimes like to control others. my husband started off a week after i began, i guess once he saw i was serious and bought a box of krispy kremes and put them down on the kitchen counter top in front of me. i don't care why he did it. all i know is i didn't touch them, and if i did, i know how many calories are in one of their glazed donuts now. 200 if your curious. soooooo........if i slip up, which i've already done twice i hop right back on the band wagon. i've lost 9.5 lbs since dec. 28th, 07, and plan to continue.

this is up to you....no one else. you will have people who are threatened by what your doing. people do try to thwart others success. personally i think you made a remarkable statement when you went home and made your own meal..however unnecessary that was. you will have to learn to make good choices in groups of people, see them eat that fattening piece of whatever they  have in front of them. i tell myself...ha ha....that's their added poundage...NOT MINE! learn to eat well, eat healthy, eat lean. you can do it!

IHOP does have a light menu.  I was there a couple weeks ago and had an eggbeater omelette.

Everyone else that said it gets easier is right.  It really does get easier.  It's about the same thing as being a kid learning what foods you do and don't like.  Leaving the restaurant sounds like something I would've done had I been frustrated enough...and then I would've regretted it later but probably wouldn't admit to that. 

I also have to say to sit down and explain what you are trying to do and learn to your husband.  Explain how important this is to you for you, for the kids, and for him.  Tell him you're still learning and it is frustrating for you too but you need a learning curve.  My dh still doesn't always get it but he tries.  I try to compromise too.  If I can't figure any other way around it I just try to limit my portions and chalk it up as another learning experience. 

It's easy to get obsessive about this especially when you see the kind of results you like...you don't want anything to stop you..but you do have to remember one of the main reasons you're doing this...LIFE!!!