didnt know were to put this.....just needing to get it out.

this is a entry from my diary....im wondering if any one can relate.....sorry if its not appropriate.

i had therpay today..... i couldnt speak......i just zoned out...
i hate therpay.. i hate the question asking how i feel.... i hate that my head will only let me reply saying..yer im okay...... i hate that i cant "feel" anything ... im numb........i hate that i cant speak cause it opens up to much hurt.......that hurt cut me so deep...... if i stop and actually think about how i do feel ......i cant i just cant its tooo painful and i need to protect myself from that pain let alone let someone eles in on it!
i hate that i live the very same day each and every single day just to stay safe but is actually killing me inside:(
i cant stop .. i drink i eat i walk i read food things..anything just to stay busy and not think...
i am in so much pain right now that not even food can fix.

aww sweetie.. of course food can't fix everything.. it's times like these when i truly believe that EDs are just the manifestation of a deeper unhappiness. pain WILL pass.. it's hard to believe but it will. you're doing so, so well and EVERYBODY here will support you, plus your family and friends. BIG HUG from me and lots of love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

spek i know exactly how you feel. this is similar to my journal entries every day. i've been in therapy for over a year and it has never gotten less painfull to open up. my eating disorder has numbed every emotion i used to know, and only after gaining the weight i needed have the begun to come back. i use food to numb, and that's where my problem lies. it numbs perfectly but it doesn't fix ANYTHING. I wish i knew the solution, but i don't. all i can tell you is i'm in the same boat. we all are.

thanks for sharing that journal entry, it's nice to know i'm not alone

Being someone who suffers from depression as well, I sympathise with this completely. I have mornings where I wake up and I actually think, "How do I feel today?" and I just cannot answer. I don't have good relationships with therapists either and I struggle to tell even my closest friends how I feel - I even struggled to tell my ex, back when I could trust him with everything else.

But mashed is right, the hurt will pass. I think you need to have a bit of me-time, m'dear :] Spend some time writing out what you like to do, and then do some of what you've written down - but try to have them non-food related. Or ask your mum if you can go out with her for a day and get pampered together. Something to make you feel special. The black clouds will blow away, don't worry :] 

((((((((((Spek))))))))))) Hugs girl.

sigghhh..... being someone who suffers inside, I can truely relate to you.. we may not have the same issues, but inner pain is pain period...i dont know y its so hard to open up to others and to talk about the pain we're feeling.. in my mind, before hand, I tell myself " Im going to be honest.. I need to tell someone and maybe it would help"  but when it comes down to it, i keep my mouth closed and i say " Im ok"  but the truth is im not... HOpefully, one time ill get the courage to just be honest, be real.. Im tired of this weight on me.. this burden.. it brings me down...  Realize that ur therapist is getting paid to help u.. Even if its just listening to u.... take that time to take care of urself and express what your going through... when i talk about whats on my mind its amazing how less heavy my thoughts are... But it does hurt.. expressing emotions and feelings bring those feelings to ur mind.. and it hurts like hell somtimes... but keep talking,.  Maybe it wuld help if u journal through-out the week.. THen at ur sessions read from ur writings????  hmmm maybe ill do that when i get back into therapy????

Spek,

I struggled with an eating disoder years back, and looking back on it, there are no words to explain to the people around me, trully what was happening. I put words to it, because I had to in order to recover, but no words could encompass the feelings, the pain and the utter numbing loneliness.

I did not go through therapy to recover, I caught myself right before I went down too far. It was the hardest, and I repeat the hardest place to find myself. I looked in the mirror one day, and for one second I saw myself for how I really looked. (Inside and Out) from that day on, I knew I had to live my life differently.  This is a cheesy quote, but I see it around and i think it's true, "Do one thing a day that scares you" I think that this is important. WE must challenge ourselves to explore our lives. We trully become different people when we act differently.

Have you tried a different counselor? Sometimes we need someone else, maybe someone that can relate to us differently. However, I believe that all people have the stregnth within themselves to heal.

I have journal entry's almost identical to one you wrote here.

The way that I went for recovery, is eating more, trying to keep it healthy, but eating the "bad foods" as well (Ice cream, pizza, etcc) In moderation. Once the weight started to come back, I felt my heart come alive again as well. It's a long road to recovery, I hope that you will find it soon. 

Thanks for sharing your entry, I was glad I could have a glimpse into your world

Spek, thanks for sharing your journal entry! I think so many of us can relate to how you feel. I also have journal entries that look exactly like yours. I would love to try therapy but am worried about it, since I never open up to anyone. Sometimes I have really bad days, and sometimes I'll feel really happy, but for the most part I think I'm just numb, I don't think I allow myself to experience any emotion to its fullest. I think it's very brave of you for posting this, at least here on CC!

However, it does get better. Food can't fix everything. The eating disorder is absolutely a manifestion of pain you feel related to other things in your life and those things need to be explored (which is I suppose the purpose of therapy) As I've become healthier and gained weight I have begun to feel better overall, and I am able to talk to people more and enjoy things, its a long slow proccess, but I think as you continue to eat more and repair all the damage done to your body, you will hve more energy to enjoy yourself too.

So keep eating, but don't let yourself gt so caught up with food thoughts that you cant think of anything else. You are much more than the eating disorder and what or how you eat does not define you. As others have suggested, go out and do something non-food related. Get yourself a massage, read a good book, watch a movie. Do you have any hobbies? you can always pick up new hobbies, drawing, writing, knitting, photography.

Hang in there, you'll get through!! :::HUGS!!::

(( *big hugs* ))

You can get through this :)
We both can :)
You just have to turn round and say "F*ck You" to your ed, dont let it drag you down even further. It's probably the root of most problems =[

Stay Strong honey xxxxx

Original Post by dollymixtures:

(( *big hugs* ))

You can get through this :)

 

 she's right hun! . kiss*

you guys..wow thankyou i really needed this feed back...... to be honest i dont have much to say right now because i have been crying for 4 hrs and feels blank......this mean so much to me to know im not alone....... i think you are all so strong to be dealing/delt with all this yourseles!