Having a really difficult time

Everything in my life seems to be falling apart. And it all happened after my anorexia. YOu see, for about a year i was semi-anorexic with calorie counting and food fears. It definately affected my social life as i would fear going out with friends because of the foods that would be there. But i never was underweight, just borderline. And I was sick of all the comments I was getting about how skinny I looked and that I needed to eat more. So its been about one year since my Binge-Eating Disorder was born. And it has caused me nothing but misery. I have gained so much weight from it, my highest weight being 175 pounds (i'm 5'4). I have managed to lose some weight, but its been a struggle. I now weigh about 155 lb. I'm still miserable about my body and weight and have no confidence in myself. My grades have fallen, and I'm going to college next year, with no ambition. Not to mention I have also spiraled into some periods of bulimia too. Its either im eating too little or too much and i cant take it anymore! I just want to be normal again!!! I always have to be secretive about my food restriction or bingeing and purging. I feel lonely and depressed. I feel hopeless. I need some help Please. Food and losing weight is all I think of every second of my life. Theres always that little voice in the back of my head saying "lose weight, lose weight". I just wish I could live my life and be content with my body. But I feel like I will never get there. Ughh

TALK TO SOMEONE WHO WILL LISTEN AND HELP YOU RIGHT NOW.

someone tangible, not via a computer. U r NOT the first person to feel like this, to be plagued by a ED. Binging after anorexia is normal. Feeling disgusted and low is Expected. what u NEED is a caring professional who will guide you and give u support and the Tools to beat ur EDs.

U CAN BEAT THIS. things WILL get better. u need to own it, realise ur self worth, and believe in yourself. U CANNOT cure an  ED urself. the mental addiction is too strong but whenever u think life cant get worse-well use it to motivate urself. if things cant get worse, they can only get better.

well done on reaching out in anyway, but we r not professionals and really we'll get u nowhere.

taking that first step, calling ur GP/parents and having a sit down and telling them EVERYTHING is the simplest and hardest thing to do. but the sense of relief is SO OVERWHELMINGLY WORTH IT. l

BUT U MUST DO IT. u are young, u deserve to go to college, succeed in life, fall in love, heck even just eat and socialise with others. remember all this. u Deserve to get better and beat ur 'that little voice', so make it happen as so many other people have. that Little voice will Kill u. see what its done to u and ur life already. learn to HATE that little voice. listen to the voice, no matter how quiet it is initally, that tells u u HAVE to and Will have a normal life...

Call a doctor, ask for a therapist. get some proper help. Good luck.xxx

go to the doctor and talk to them first to make sure first that you havnt done any damage to your body, next go find a good nutrionist and a good therepist. 

You were anorexic...not semi anorexic, and im afraid you are becoming anorexic again because the way you describe this obsession with loosing weight and counting cals and having that voice...yes im afraid it has come back.

There are healthy ways to loose weight that dont include hurting yourself and i think that once you start eating healthily again then all of the eating issues will stop.  However, a number on the scale wont determine happiness....you should know this from your experience.  You lost weight and were unhappy with the comments you recieved and hated being too skinny....and then you were also unhappy with a higher weight and still unhappy with the current weight youre at even though its lower than before.  So your solution isnt to loose weight.

You should come up with a healthy meal plan and healthy excercise plan WITH YOUR NUTRIONIST AND DOCTOR.  do not come up with this plan alone.  Set out meal times and snack times and what you will eat the night before so you will not have to worry about it all that day and be so anxious.  You need to beat this before it gets any worse....remember you dont have to be skinny or underweight to be anorexic

Please talk to your parents or other adults in your life that you see on a daily basis.  Let them know what you told us, the unknown world. I am sure they may see something but need you to say something so they can help you. They may be waiting for you to take the first step.

You made the first step by reaching out to those on this website, but YOU REALLY need to reach out to those that can help you on a daily basis by being with you and observing and supporting you.

You should then talk to your doctor. If you are in school possibly your school nurse can give you some insight if you aren't ready to talk to your parents.  Often times, they can intervene and make that a step in the process of recovery.  ED are nothing to mess with.  You can harm your body severely with either one of them.

Sweetie, I wish you the best of luck and I say this out of love. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you must get HELP from SOMEONE CLOSE BY THAT CAN BE THERE FOR YOU ON A DAILY BASIS AND BE YOUR LIFE LINE. It is important.

Take care and God Bless.

Thanks for your help and advice :) I know I need to take action and get help. That would be a good idea. I really hope I can do this.

Everyone has already given you great advice above, and I also thank them for showing that they care. I can't possibly add anything more except this:

Instead of viewing skinny and lean as healthy, try to redefine your definition of healthy as active, fit and above all, happy.

I myself have fallen into the mindset that skinny is healthy, but I realise now that it really isn't. Yet active, fit people not only look good, they're happy about themselves. It gave me hope to think of getting fit instead of getting thin. EDs affect you so negatively when you 'screw up,' but also when you're 'doing it right.' Being active and eating properly and healthily will give you pride when you succeed - not an empty victory.

Best wishes, and I hope you come to believe in yourself, and gain the self respect you deserve.

Dear Ktjo:

Please know that you don't need to go through this alone. We can all support you. The first thing you need to know is that you are loveable no matter what your body size.  Don't let a saleclerk at McDonald's/Wendy's/Pizza Hut dictate how you feel about yourself.  The unfortunate thing about being "not normal" is that people judge us by how we appear weight-wise.  It's soooo unfair!.

My suggestions are:

* reach out to a trusted individual in your life [perhaps an old guidance counsellor, a member of the clergy who can put you in touch with resources to help you such as overeaters anonymous [people large /small with eating issues will welcome you with open arms and free hugs] there are other support groups too or you could talk to a professional who can help you redefine yourself and teach you how to deal with issues affecting your self-esteem and your eating habits.

Even though you think people don't know about your issues with food you'd be surprised at how many do.   The trick is not to think of food as good or bad but rather to think of it as fuel to power your body. If you had a car you wouldn't pour sugar and fat inside the gastank would you? I try to treat my body with reverence, like a temple, not a garbage bin so that it functions better. I find one thing that works for me is tracking my food [not for calorie intake] so that I can see if I "binge" on junk food I generally have "digestive" issues and usually feel blah afterwards, nauseous, bloated, gassy etc.  So tracking my food tends to be a visual reminder of how crappy I feel after a binge.  The other thing is the food tracker illustrates what kinds of situations tend to trigger a binge, in my case, usually when my hubby is away on business travel, i feel sorry for myself and then get into the snacks.  It's a useful tool for me to track my food intake. Anyways, you get the picture.

Also know that ONLY YOU have to power to change your life, nobody else so you can be sidelined by eating issues or you can pick up the baton and take that first step to making your life better. Don't be a victim and let food win!  To quote Arnold:

YOU CAN DO IT!!! so take that first step and remember:

Great difficulties can be surmounted through patience and perserverance Abigail Adams [1744-1818]

Regards, p.s. if you want you can e-mail me often at my work address - i always respond if i'm in the office at: barb_kasprowicz@phac-aspc.gc.ca,

keep me posted on how you're doing, god bless.........

god bless, barbyk

^^thanks for the sentiment...but this post wasnt written by me (ktjo)

SERIOUSLY *i_take_time*....ur minds ur biggest enemy in this, once u take the first selfloving and proactive step...its going to become a lot easier xx TRUST me on this