Disappointed in myself

Meh, I feel like I've turned into one of *those* girls.

Every time I'm a bit down I decide I'm "too big". I know this is stupid. I've lost 50lb and I'm trying to maintain at 126lb (I'm 5'3"). Thing is, I don't have scales at home. This is so I don't weigh myself a lot and get obsessive, I just think it sounds like an unhealthy way to be. But I suppose the flipside is that I don't know if I've put weight back on. I weighed 126lb three weeks ago. Aside from my boyfriend's 30th, where I ate & drank a fair amount (though still loads less than I would have back in the day) for two days, I'm still on "weight loss" calories, 1250-1500 a day. (for my age - 29 - this is ok for weight loss). I can't seem to make myself up the calories, even though I don't want to be less than 9st. Then my boyfriend said a couple of daft boy comments about me being 9.5 stone even though I told him I was 9 and said he thinks I have maybe put on a little bit of weight in the last few weeks, but this is good because I was looking "gaunt". I am mad at him because 9st is not bloody thin, it is a BMI of 22.5, it is nice and healthy and sometimes he acts like I'm skinny or eating disordered... probably anyone reading this thinks he has a point.

Bah, when did I get like this? Does it really matter if I've put on a few pounds? But I read this site a lot and I feel like I shouldn't have, I haven't gone over 1500 except for two measly days two weeks ago now. Obviously I should weigh myself but I don't know where I can. The boy says he liked me more when I was a size 14 and didn't care. Bah, I am mad at myself. I wanted to be healthy & pretty, not neurotic and stupid and obsessive.

This isn't even a question is it... so probably no one will reply!

First of all, I looked at your gallery and you do look healthy and very pretty :) If you really did as you said, with the low calories and all, there is just no way you could have gained half a stone, is there? I agree that you should way yourself, then you'll know for sure and don't have to ponder any more. Where? Apothecary, parents, friends, boyfriend, gym, doctor. One of them has to have scales, I guess :)

I don't think you sound disordered. It's just that boys are so much less touchy about weight stuff that they blabber out those comments without thinking about it. My sweetheart does that too, and it can really hurt, or get you thinking, or make you obsess for a little while. Nothing out of the ordinary. Judging from what I read in your profile, you sound like a very healthy person with a reasonable approach to weight, so I'm sure you'll get back to your usual self after a while.

I personally think that you should buy a scale.  It will give you a peace of mind.  Daily fluctuations are totally normal, within a few pounds. I personally think that you should weigh yourself once a week or so on that, and that way you won't have to be so obsessed over whether you've gained weight or not.  I've read many studies that show that people who maintain a healthy weight weigh themselves once a day, etc.  It will give you a definitive answer to your worries.

By all means don't be down about this.  You look beautiful in your pics and you are at a great, healthy weight.  Sometimes dudes can be a little insensitive with their comments.  Oftentimes, they don't even know it or mean to be.  When I started my weight loss efforts, my first weigh in was at 159 lbs.  My man (who is a great guy) was shocked and was like, "are you serious?? you weight THAT much??!!"  I'm 5'8" so I thought that remark was a little unnecessary, but he proceeded to explain that he thought I was much "thinner" b/c to him, I didn't look like I was pushing 160.  As long as you feel comfortable in your own skin, that is what truly matters.  If you think getting a scale would help you, get one.  If it will make you obsessive with the numbers though, don't do it.  That is unnecessary stress IMO.  You can always go into a store and borrow one of their scales for a minute in the aisle. ;)

Maybe you need to change your focus from how much you weigh to how good you feel. 

Thank you, all of you. You are right in your various ways. I know boys are sensible and rightly think this subject is trivial.

Clair, I think I know what you are trying to say to me, but I think the problem is the opposite one... I don't think I am obsessed with what I weigh, I think I allow my feelings to dictate to me what I look like. Objectively, I look the same whether I'm depressed or chirpy, barring a smile. In my head, on my depressed days I feel massive, on my cheerful days little and dinky.

I think... for me... weight loss is part of a larger problem. I mean it's great that I've lost weight, and the first section of it was very healthy, and the last couple of years have been physically healthy, not starving myself or anything, but mentally a bit... selfcritical. One of my best friends died in 2007, and then my boyfriend's dad.... since then I have steely self control with food and now I'm slim and I cannot allow myself to go wrong one inch, in life or food or my body or anything. Am I alone in this? I love my new body, not so keen on my new head.

(I guess this is what I mean by eating disordered, though thankfully I have never craved nor admired skinniness.)