Divorce ,what did you do to survive?

Up date July 21, Because this thread became active again, I thought I would up date and thank everyone for there support. My husband and I went to counseling and got back together. Thing are better but alway a work in progress.

I've been going through a separation and divorce is final June 1st. I 've had support from some very smart and supportive cc people and thought maybe doing a new topic and more responses would be helpful. I was married for 30 yrs, so this is a big change. The ex wanted to be friends and that isn't working for me right now  and don't know if it ever will. He's already dating and I'm still trying to make it through the day.  What did some of you do to recover from your divorce?  Did you remain friends? When did your heart stop breaking? Did you ever think you would want to get into another relationship?   Did anyone go to one of those divorce care programs? Your words of wisdom would be helpful. I had to take off work today since I felt I was exhausted from  dealing with ex yesterday.

After my first divorce, it took me over a year to feel better. I was only 24.  He was my first and only love, and he left me for another woman.  About 6 years later, my ex came and apologized to me for the way he'd treated me.  It brought closure and, while we were never friends, mostly because we'd both remarried, we are still cordial.  I really had no self esteem left and I'd married the first man who showed an interest.

My second divorce, at age 40, was very bitter, after a rather abusive marriage, and it took me nearly 3 years to get back my lost self esteem.  During those 3 years, I did date, and I did meet the man who I consider to be my true soulmate.  That was over 20 years ago - I'm 65 now.  I still have very bad flashbacks and nightmares about my second husband.

The hardest part of recovering from a divorce is getting back your sense of self worth.  Once you have that licked, you'll be fine.  I wish I'd learned that earlier on.

I was married the first time for 17 years.  2 kids - the divorce was so terrible.  I kept my sanity by not drinking any alcohol (keeping my emotions some what in check), eating healthy even if it was just me at home for the night, walking every day through the woods, so peaceful, throwing myself into my career and dancing in the living room a ton!  I went out some but never seriously.  I also really concentrated on being alone with myself, to learn to like myself.  Additionally I spent alot of time helping the kids to get through the best they could at the time.

Given time you and your ex may be friends, mine and I are.  There are still some subjects we just do not discuss (things like money) because it takes back to horrible places.  The kids are grateful for our mutual concern for them and the way we get along. Hopefully for you time has a way of healing and letting you  remember the good times not the bad.

Good luck!

I'm sorry you are going through this. 30 years is a long time. Don't expect yourself or force yourself to get over this fast. It's okay to take your time. Be selfish and good to yourself.

I was actually the one that ended my 7-year marriage. It was a 10-year marriage by the time the divorce was finally settled, and pretty rocky and hostile for those three years. I didn't allow myself to move on until he did, and until the kids were in better emotional straits. My ex remarried shortly after our divorce was finalized. I met my current DH a few months after that, but held off four years before finally agreeing to marry him.

So it's been nearly 5 years since our divorce was final, and 8 years since we first separated. As bad as things were between us inititally, I would've never pictured my ex and I being friends, and we aren't quite that, but we are definetly "friendly" today. We have had to work at it, because we have two kids in common. We share custody - one week at his house, one week at my house. He and I have found a peace through our shared values and desires for our kids to have a happy life.

Today, they are thriving and they have not two caring parents, but four. All four of us (my ex, myself, step-dad and step-mom) attend school events together. We are more than just civil to each other. Again, I wouldn't say we are "friends" but we do chat, genuinely inquire into each others' welfare, make jokes, talk (complain or brag! depending!) about the kids. I have to say that I really like my ex's wife - she is a fantastic step-mom and I count myself very lucky that she's not a wench and the kids adore her. My ex would say the same about my DH.

So my message here is that life does go on, and time does heal all wounds, as cliche as it may sound. It's hard to imagine now, while things are so fresh. I would not try to force the healing - it'll happen at it's own proper pace. I would also not force any friendship. Be true and honest with your feelings. If you are jealous and bitter that he's finding it easy to date, so be it. That's completely normal. It'd be weird if you weren't.

As for getting into another relationship, that will also happen when you are good and ready. I thought I'd never remarry - I thought the problem was that marriage just wasn't for me! But then I found my DH. It took me another four years to get over my fear of marriage, but I'm glad I did.

It is helpful to hear your stories , my husband just came by  and we cried together again. He wants to be here for me and I told him I need time to think and recover. He said he hasn't really moved on just passing the time.  I'll be gone alot this summer so maybe that will help. someone told me about a divorce recovery group (divorce care) through the church, but I don't think I could stand it if it turned out to be abunch of people complaining. Our children are grown and upset with their father. Our grand child adores him. It's just hard.

Well, I was married for 3 1/2 years, separated while I was pregnant, and the divorce was finalized shortly after my daughter was born.  My ex said he'd like for our daughter's parents to be friends, but I knew that just wouldn't happen.  There were too many bad memories and too much hurt.  I did make a comittment to remain civil and polite, and not talk badly about him to my daughter.  That's all I can reasonably expect of myself.

As far as getting over the pain...it just took time.  For about 2 months, I cried all the time.  He was already seeing other people, and I was in your boat - but pregnant too.  It took about 1 year to really get over the worst of it, and it took almost 3 years before I was ready to date anyone else.  I thought marriage was NOT for me...but I found out otherwise.  :)  My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married, and this one is for life.

Just hang in there, be good to yourself, and don't try to rush it.  You can't "make" yourself heal.  It will happen in its own time.  If he gets over it quicker than you do, just remember that it is NOT a reflection on you.  You will be okay.  Just take it one day at a time.

Edited to add: I also saw a counselor for about 3 months after the separation, and it really helped.  An objective opinion was absolutely necessary to keep my sanity.

gypsie, just remember, it's not your job to make him feel better about this.  Work on yourself.  You have the advantage of maturity and intelligence, your children are grown and you can take care of yourself. 

You won't erase 30 years of feelings in a few months, but I promise you, it will get better.

Why not just try the church group?  You have nothing to lose, really.

I read a book called "Crazy times". I think the author is Abigal Stafford. It was very accurate. It helped me make sense of my feelings that kept changing by the day. For a very short period of time I had to take 1/2 of a over the counter sleeping pill. I couldn't sleep and it was making my days so hard. I was a mess. Sleep is important for clear thoughts. Then, over time, I started figuring out who I was. What my "deal breakers" were in my next mate. I.E. no smoker, not a workaholic (what my ex was) etc. Keeping busy will help. It does get better over time. I was surprised to read however that you may not feel "right" for up to five years. Don't rush yourself.

Be well.

My divorce was final Dec. 2006.  We had been married just short of 9 years.  My ex was emotionally and physically abusive to me.  He also was addicted to meth and who knows what else.  Even through all the bad, I have so many jealous feelings.  I cant stand the thought of him being with someone else or someone else trying to be a mom to my two kids.  Even though I know I am better off without him, it is so hard to let go.  I have opportunity to be with someone that would treat me like a queen but struggle with my jealous bone.   And to be fair to the new person in my life I need to let go of the feelings I harbor.  How does someone get over something like that?  We have little kids so I can't just shut him out.  He is no good for me and I don't want to be with him but I don't want him to be with someone else either.  I know this sounds so selfish.  What is wrong with me?  I also feel so cheated in life.  Why did something like this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve it?  I feel for you so much because I go thru it daily.   It is incredibly hard!  When I hear people say the day their divorce was final they went out and partied, I try to comprehend how they could celebrate and I went thru a horrible marriage.

Another note - I read "Crazy Times" too! Definately helpful!

Okay ladies I'm going to look for the book .

Cfontaine, I don't understand the party either. To me its more of a death of a marriage and dreams. I

 don't know if I can be friends the fact he's having sex with other women already just put me over the top. I know men have a different veiw of that but it's too much for me .plus that I'm 40 lbs over weight because of being sick and med just makes me feel so bad about myself. .

Going to be gone alot this summer, time to reflect and plan. Hopefully all our hurt hearts can heal.

cfontaine, you are clearly not ready to be in another relationship. I know that feeling. It's ok. Being with someone else doesn't resolve you of your feelings and it's really tough on the other person. It's ok that you loved him. You were married for gosh sakes. Just because Dec 2006 your divorce was final, it doesn't mean you have worked through it emotionally. It takes time, lots of time. I really wish there was a cure all and there is not a day I don't feel guilty that my daughter comes from a divorced family, but it's our reality. I didn't have a terrible ex, just a workaholic. After several years (7) I know have a warm regard for my ex. Love has to be nurtured to grow, if there is no nurturing it will fade away. Love yourself, then let someone love an entire you. Not a broken you.

Besides loosing my father (almost 6 mths ago) divorce is the hardest thing I had to ever go through. Be well all.

I found the book online and ordered it. Cfontaine we need more healing time.  I found out from hubby he's had sex with a "few " since he left. He was stupid enought to say "you don't know how many nights I spent alone".  (what?????) I've spend all of them alone. It hurt so bad. I'm so sick to my stomach. He wants to be friends and I can't even look at him. told him to leave me alone. I just want to be alone . I don't want to do anything but leave town and not talk to a soul. It will take along time. He said I want you to meet someone and be happy. How the hell can I trust anyone if I couldn't trust him after 30 yrs. I don't think I could trust another man. 

I think your feelings are perfectly normal.  I don't blame you for wanting to get away, and I think that putting some distance between you is probably a good idea.  I've never been divorced, but I remember when my college boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue.  I was madly in love with him and thought he felt the same, and I was so hurt and furious.  I didn't have any contact with him for about five years ... which, in hindsight, was probably overkill, but I felt I needed the time to heal and to explore myself again.  It took a while to trust men after that ... and I'm not sure it's ever really the same.

If you can, I'd say take this opportunity to go do something you've always dreamed about.  Climb a mountain.  Travel the world.  Do something that is for you, that will give you new memories and adventures.  I think it can help you get out of the slump where everything around you reminds you of him, and everything you say to each other is painful.

<<hugs>>  Hang in there.  You will get through this.

Sounds like, in his mind, it's all about him.  Just keep busy, stay well, and get through this.  You're not some little immature wimp who is going to spend all her time crying (like me at 24?)  Getting mad is a good idea too.  It gives you strength.

Well through all 6 divorces I became anorexic, then bulimic.  I do not know how to survive or adjust to life after a loss.  I have been bulimic for over 34 years.   I am 54 and see no hope for this insidious disease (?) curse (?) torment (?).  So what do you think of that?  I hate life and myself.

I agree with claire.  It sounds like he wants to be friends and see you move on because that will make him feel less guilty.  If he does care about what's best for you, he'll respect your need for space ... and boundaries.

I totally agree with lysistrata. If you find someone he comes out clean (in his eyes). I'm not sure the point of telling you that he has slept with a few people. Very cruel. He says he hasn't moved on, yet he can use another woman to "pass the time". You are better off without this selfish man. It's time to put yourself first. I really do feel for you. But from the bottom of my heart can tell you, it will get better. Lastly, try not to judge other very nice men for the stupid things your ex has done.

I think what you need to focus on is you.   If you're not ready to be friends then don't answer the phone when he calls.   (I'm going through this right now too so I understand a little.  No one can totally understand)  You need to realise that you are a wonderful, beautiful person.  Even if you look in the mirror and don't feel that way.  It will come eventually ( this is round 2 for me and this one is even harder!)  If you can focus on you and what YOU need it will help you too heal.   It's the hardest thing to do because we're so used to taking care of everyone else.  Once you figure out how to take care of you, it's the most liberating feeling!   I hope that you can find that soon.   And the pain doesn't really go away, you just learn to understand it, and accept that it's OK to feel that way, but it can't take over your life.  You have so much more to give.

I had been married 20 years, I was the one who wanted out.    You need to focus on you first and foremost!!!!!   My daughter was 18 at the time, so had to deal with her and make sure all was right.  I spent the first year just enjoying myself, reading, walking, biking.....kept myself busy.  The ex would call and complain about money or this and that, finally told him to quit calling and deal with his own problems.  He was a grown man and needed to grow up.  Tell your ex to get lost!!!!  he can't have his cake and eat it to!!!as for friends we will never be there, to many hurtful things were said.  I am civil at functions, but otherwise would not give him the time of day. 

I am also divorced and I'll give a guy's perspective on this topic.  I've been divorced for 2 years after being married for 5yrs. 

Once those evil words are uttered, "divorce"....there is no winner.  Even if you love your ex, which I still do, "divorce" brings up so many painful memories....it's like a permanent barrier of animosity that won't go away.  The trust I had with my ex is gone.  By breaking our marriage vows, we in essence, lied to each other.  Do I hope that she lives a happy life and all her wishes come true?  Yes.  Can I ever be friends with her again?  No.  Reason... I can't think of her without thinking of the betrayal....and she has the same issue with me.  I betrayed her.  We tried to stay friends but how do you stay friends with someone that hurt you so deeply.

So I guess what I am saying is this.  You can't blame the guy for what he does after you and he betrayed each other by going down the path of divorce/separation/etc...  He is going to feel anger, anxiety, and sometimes freedom of not being in a relationship.  He is going to do what he needs to help ease the pain of losing a part of himself.  It's a loss that he has to deal with just like you.   Everyone deals with it differently.  What works for a woman doesn't necessarily work for a man.  He has to do what works for him.

The way I survived is by realizing that divorce doesn't happen just because one person wants it.  It happened to us because we didn't do what was necessary to keep love in our hearts.  I made mistakes in our relationship and I have to keep myself accountable.  After I accepted my blame, I forgave myself.  I also forgave her because I knew it wasn't all her fault.  That said though, I needed to keep myself busy because my mind would wander off to her.  Still after 2 years, the pain doesn't go away...but the rare moments that I see her, I can smile.  Why?, because she'll always be a part of me and will always be beautiful to me.