What are you doing to address the underlying issues?

As I have been losing weight, I have found that the hardest part is not making the change to a healthy lifestyle, but figuring out what caused me to become overweight in the first place.  I was just wondering what some of you out there are doing to address these issues.

I agree with you on that.  If you don't figure out what you are trying to stuff down and away with food and hide, then despite your best efforts, you will fail for not addressing that.

For me myself, there were a couple of things that I finally realized led to my demise.  I was sexually molested as a child not only by my older brother, but by my grandfather.  I moved past my brother issue long ago, but it was the issue with my grandfather that I hadn't let go.  And it's kind of hard to work thru that when he died with me telling him that I will never forgive you, you will go to your grave knowing that I will NEVER forgive you.  Harsh...but...I was young.  He died when I was 18-19.  And although I cannot speak to him, and you will probably think I'm psycho...but about 6 months ago, I had a dream about him.  It was more focused towards my grandmother who died when I was 13, who I loved dearly, and he kept trying to break into my dream so to speak.  I have never dreamed about either of my grandparents, ever...so it was quite unsettling to have this dream at the age of 35.  And for some reason, and this is where the psycho thing comes in...lol, it was like something let go.  My grandma was a spirit in this dream, and her and I had a conversation in this dream, and when I woke up...there was this overwhelming sense that she had actually still been there...I felt her all around me...and in my dream she was telling me let go and forgive...(my grandmother to my knowledge didn't know about what happened between my grandfather and I...but I digress...)...in the dream...she knew about it, and when my grandfather tried to come thru, she told him it wasn't his turn and to leave.  The dream severely rattled me to my core, and usually dreams that I wake up from that rattled, have always turned out with significance in my life.  It was shortly after that I got sick and found out I had diabetes...and it sounds totally retarded, but I had a rant and rave session...just me...in my car...on a drive...where I ranted to my grandfather about what happened.  And...oddly...something inside let go.  And the weight started falling off.

Now...that being said...I still have one underlying issue, and that is my mother.  There are still unresolved issues there, and I am working on those, but not there yet.  Nothing knocks me back on my butt and in a backward spiral as my mom.  I love her...she is my mother, but I cannot stand to be around her for longer than 5 minutes, or talk to her on the phone for a minute without tempers flairing and feeling like crap on her shoe.  So I have just been avoiding her as much as humanly possible on this journey, because I don't feel she is conducive to what I am trying to achieve.  It's like her biggest gripe has been my weight, and when I tell her I'm losing weight and getting rid of all my "fat" clothes, she makes me feel really discouraged by saying...don't get rid of them...put them in the box...you will need them again someday...I mean WTF!?  I've lost 42 lbs on my own...actually more...but I'm not counting the weight I somehow magically lost prior to actually trying...(use to be close to 350 lbs!)  And I am at the lowest I have been (262) in years...and for her to say that just...GRRRRR!  The most I have ever lost on my own is 15-20 lbs before going back up in weight and higher.  So this is NO small feat for me.  And when I lost the weight from previous, I maintained at 305 for 6 years.  It's like...she harps about it...I do something about it...making headway and success...and then she tells me...thats great...that's wonderful...but you'll fail, so I'm not celebrating...GRRR.  So yeah...that's a work in progress...and I hope it doesn't take until she dies and I have to go on another car rant to move past it...lol. 

Anyway...for those that can get counceling to figure out and move past their issues...I HIGHLY recommend it.  I've at least figured my issues out...just don't have all the answers to move past it...lol.

One of the other issues I had was a controlling abusive, (physical and emotional) BF for 13 years...and he has been out of my life now for 4 years, and I am happily married to a wonderfully supportive, loving, and caring man.  In a way, he has helped save me in so many ways...even from myself. 

So...FYI?  No matter HOW hard it is?  No matter HOW afraid you are?  Ditch the excess emotional and spiritual baggage!  It will only drag you down!  As a very good friend (kind of my councelor...my mentor unofficially)...told me...Quit hanging on to a sinking ship...it will bury you alive and kill you!  It was the best advise I have ever gotten, and I'm not saying it was easy to follow her advise at the time...but in hindsight??  I look back and think...WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? 

Anyway...lol

God bless to everyone out there!  Hang in there!  Don't give up!  And GOOD LUCK!  We all need it!

Cindy

I got rid of 150 pounds of excess issues: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Now I don't find my efforts sabotaged in my own home.

Hey sarajo36,

What are the underlying issues, isn't that the million dollar question? I do not believe a person can truly address the issue of weight loss without digging for the "root" issue. For most people who become morbidly obese there is always a moment in life that opened the door so to speak. I found in my personal life, the weight hid a place of pain. Every person I talk to says the same thing, food was medicine for what ailed them, or food numbed them. It takes a willingness to look inside yourself and confront whatever the issue is. There is such liberty in confrontation with yourself and what has been holding you captive.

dreadfulpenny-I used the same method to lose 225 lbs!  Funny, it seems like more!

Prior to reaching my top weight of 225 lbs, I had psychotherapy for two years, twice a week.  It was to help me with some life problems and one component was my inability to change my eating habits.  I did a lot of guided imagery and some behavioral things.  We went deeply into why I was resisting doing what I knew I had to do to regain my health.  Weight loss was sort of a secondary side effect of getting healthy, because I was going to die if I didn't.  A lot of it had to do with my low sense of self worth - I didn't really know I deserved better than I was allowing people, and myself, to treat me.  I came to understand that I'm worth something and that I'm good enough.  There was a book that helped me - Too Good for Her Own Good. 

Then it took about a year for the full impact of it to really get through.  I woke up one day and started dieting, then 4 months later, found CC.  It's taken me 3 years to get it right, but I'm losing now.  See my profile for details.

The emotional factor is really important.  We need to understand the why, not just the how.

Oh boy.  Everyone has that underlying issue.  It's funny how two posts already are about divorce; mine's kind of similar.

I dropped the vast majority of my weight and finally found a body I was comfortable with when I "divorced myself" so to speak from my parents.  Going to college was the best thing that could ever have happened for my health.

It's funny how parents always think that they're doing the best for you, but mine sent  me the worst mixed messages about weight and food and really set me up for some serious issues later on down the road.  I'd say the phrases that stick out most in my mind from them are:

"A little extra weight"

"Just try / finish (insert any food I didn't like)."

"Phylicia, finish the (insert any food left on the table, not just on my plate)."

"You don't have to eat ALL of that (insert any food that I like)."

Obviously a few mixed messages.  When I went home for break my dad used the "Finish the _____" at least three times until I finally cracked and said very rudely "NO, I don't eat things just because they're there.  You eat it, I'm not hungry."  I am just so tired of feeling obligated to finish not just what's on my plate, but what's on the entire table!  Unless, of course, it's something I enjoy.  Then it's "bad for me."  My parents have warped views of health; basically that anything they enjoy is healthy, and anything they don't is not.  I was really proud of myself for standing up to him.  Previously, I've only stood up to my mother once, to ask her to stop needling me about my weight, and I cried for hours afterward.

Basically, it took until after I left to realize that the reason my father always insists that I finish anything left on the table is because he eats SO MUCH food, simply because it is there, and knows he will eat anything left on the table if he can't quickly force someone else to.  He's the type that gets up in the middle of the night and finishes the second half of a pizza.

I would say that I've been able to see that it's his problem, not mine, and forgive him, but I'm still too bleeping mad.  I ran crosscountry for three years in a vain attempt to balance out the food I had to eat every night at dinner, and the ridiculous snacking I was doing out of misery about my weight and the derogatory comments my parents made about it.

I became overweight gradually.  I lost 30 years gain abruptly in 6 months.

The underlying reasons were mindless eating and lack of exercise.  There's ingrained social resistance by family and coworkers against what I have done. I've had to turn a deaf ear to a lot of sarcasm about my diet and exercise.  

Thank you all for your replies.  I guess that this is an ongoing question for me. Although, I feel more confident and aware of my own body, I have really struggled to figure out where my self-esteem issues come from.  Clairelaine- I really identify with what you said, and will be checking out that book!  I always felt like I was not good enough, treated myself that way, and allowed others to treat me that way also.  In fact, I often chose men I knew would treat me badly, because I didn't "deserve" a good guy. 

After a lot of thinking about it I realize that I don't blame my mother for my issues, but I know that her attitude about herself had a huge impact on me.  I was sharing clothes with my mom by the time I was 11.  And at the time she was always trying to lose that last few pounds.  What I didn't see at the time~she wasn't fat!!!  Since she thought she was, that meant I was, I was just like her!!  It seems obvious now, but for years I thought, "my mom and I have always struggled with being overweight"  Looking back at old pictures, she was slim, and I was just a growing girl!! 

I know my mom only wanted the best for me, but her own self-esteem issues became mine.  Now I am a mother of 2 small girls, and will do everything I can to stop the cycle.  I want my kids to have good self images, and I know that the best way I can insure that is by improving my own idea of myself.  Although I am very proud of my weight loss,  (I only have 2 lbs. to go!!) I want to work towards intuitive eating.  I want to focus on the positive, and not make them feel like they are only good people if they are a certian size.

Good luck to everyone that is delving into the subject, it is not always easy, but so worth it!!

I've come to the point where looking for a "root" cause is not useful. I can identify all the terrible things that have happened to me in life - rape, loss, emotional pain ad infinitum but all that really matters is how one deals with life TODAY. Yes, examining those incidents can raise our awareness of where and why we learned to eat to cope but knowing that doesn't solve the problem. I would never tell someone not to examine their "issues" but don't treat it as a weight loss wonder treatment.

With that said, I have found it useful to write a journal... a very honest journal. If I feel fat, ugly and unlovable than I write that - no sugarcoating. If I'm feeling sorry for myself because life has handed me crap then I write that. Sometimes I still choose to eat what isn't good for me, to overeat or to cope with a problem with a pizza and some ice cream (as I did for several months after my Mom died last year) but if I do that 2 times out of 10 instead of 10 times out of 10 I've come a long way.

Cindy, Sarah, Emma, and all who posted...I wish  you good luck and success! Emma, I have come to feel the same way as you, it is not productive to examine the root of the problem too closely. I do think we need to come to some kind of internal resolution or we will never get out of our past, but lay and wallow in it. Many times we will use it as an excuse as to why we do or don't do certain things. Cindy, I can relate to you. I am also a victim of childhood sexual abuse, mine was ongoing for years. I was gang raped in college, I was raped by one of my psychologist (honestly...he was later prosecuted, as he was doing this to many female patients). For years, I suffered depression, anxiety, insomnia, and being over-weight. I went to therapy, most of it did not help. Only when I decided that I was going to attempt to move on, find a way to forgive (because without forgiveness you will not find resolution..I don't mean you have to like them, be around them, but accept the fact that they did a terrible injustice to you and you are no longer going to allow them a place in your life...this is my meaning of forgiveness)...did I begin to heal and find a path to resolution. It is still a work in progress, but I am at least making steps forward.

I, too, do not and have never gotten along with my mother. We are arguing if we are together, or even talk on the phone for any period of time. I think I blame her for the childhood abuse because she knew something was going on and did nothing to stop it. She has never been an advocate for me in anything, she has taken money from me, she has shown extreme favoritism for my brother and his family. I think at times, I felt more pain from her actions than I did from the actual offenders. But, I have decided to move on from this too and she and I can talk a bit more civil (right now anyway).

I have moved from my hometown and have settled very happily in a larger city. I am so much happier here. It helped to get away from the constant reminders and I was fortunate enough to be able to just get up and go. I'm not sure fortunate is the right word?? I also divorced, another long story. I became very ill 4 years ago and had to file for disability. At that time I lost 100 pounds. I was happy to lose the weight, but not to be so dreadfully sick. I am doing much better now thanks to competent doctors and a good medication regimen. I had been able to keep my weight off until just recently but for some reason I started gaining weight (around Christmas). I definitely don't want to let it get out of hand, so here I am. I did go to one of my docs last week and she found something that she felt needed biopsied. I see another docter next week about my thyroid..I have hypothyroidism, it could be off??? But, one reason I am telling you all of this, IS if you keep letting the past eat away at you, it could very well cause your physical health to decline. My doctors have said they thought that it was instrumental in some of my problems. You would be amazed at the links of mind and body. I wish I had fought for my own peace of mind earlier. It take a strong resolve, but you can do it with determination. I'm not saying I am there 100%, it will always be a work in progress, but you will feel and benefit from the progression in all aspects of your life.

I wish the best to all of you and hope we can beat this weight war together!

Free

Teal...I SOOO feel ya!  My mother would harp needle etc about my weight...and when I told her I was going on a diet...she decide THIS was the time to start her "baking" crusade...she'd start making cookies, tarts, bars, pies, cakes, etc...no reason...just all of a sudden she'd get a fly up her rump and bake bake bake...and it seemed like she made the ones I liked the absolute MOST...and then she'd be like you can't have these...your on a diet...and then later she'd be like well...you could have one...it's not gonna kill ya...GRRRRR....

NEVER FAILED!

I think that's my biggest thing is her.  The other stuff I really could of cared less about.  She is about the only thing I do dwell on, cuz it's impossible not to...she keeps calling, and when I don't answer I get cruel bitchy messages, and then my dad calls and starts, followed with a few nasty messages...so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

i don't believe that it is necesssarily the issue it self that leads to disorders, rather the human response to dealing with it: how do you solve your problems. all too often this stems from someone's self esteem, and they hurt themselves. i know that if something goes wrong in my life, if my best friend just up and leaves, or my boyfriend leaves me, or i miss someone, or i feel like i suck at school, or WHATEVER... my initial response is to just starve it off... it's such an easy way to solve all my problems because then hey, i feel good about my skinny little self agian. i just had this revelation recently, so i'm actually eating more often, and dealing with life. it feels so much healthier for my subconscious...