What am I doing?

I have never written on one of these forums before and am not entirely sure why I am now.  I have read the support and encouragement you guys give to each other and am hoping that you will be able to offer me some help/advice/some sort of reassurance that I'm not going insane!

I am 23 years old, five foot 6 and weigh 6 stone nine.  I have no idea whether or not this is a weight that should be a cause for alarm or what I should do about it.  I haven't had a proper period since June 2006.  Since then, I've menstruated twice and both times were not as they used to be when I was extremely regular.

In my final year of university I lost weight due to stress and because I wasn't eating properly.  I joined the gym, got very fit and very obsessed with exercising.  Over the past two years I've lost more and more weight.  Recently I was made redundant and have been unemployed and very down.  I am living at home and my family are always telling me how worried they are about me.

I know that I need to put on weight.  I've always been slim but I was a healthy weight for years and I'm not entirely sure why I have become the way I am about food.  I hate eating because I hate the thought of putting on any weight. 

Recently, after my weight dropped to below six and a half stone, my mum got extremely upset about the state of me.  Seeing her like that made me think- come on, make an effort, put on some weight.  I resigned myself to this for about a week, yet as soon as I got up to six stone 10 I felt panicked and went back to my old eating ways.

I don't know how to break out of this cycle.  I feel like I'm constantly battling with myself, one part of me telling me to eat, the other part telling me not to or telling me to exercise to combat what I have eaten. 

I think that if I had a job I would have less time on my hands to think about food, weight, calories, etc etc.  I'm looking for and applying for everything I can but the job market is so hard at the minute. 

I feel like I used to be so normal, so full of life and so positive about everything.  Now I feel as though my world is dominated by food.  I look at old pictures of myself and think, I looked good then.  But something inside me stops me from doing what needs to be done- ie eating!- to get back to the way I was.

Despite all this, there's still a part of me that thinks- have I really got a problem?  I know this may sound ridiculous given what I've just said, but sometimes I think, well I don't starve myself- I do eat.  I'm just highly restrictive.

Sorry for the ramblings of this post, but I don't feel like anyone really understands what I'm feeling.  My mum knows that I'm too controlling about food but she doesn't know the extent of what I feel.  I went to the doctors about a month ago and she just said, you need to put on some weight, here's a list of foods to do it and sent me on my way.

I want to change and I want to feel as positive about food as you guys have learnt to.  How can I begin to do this? 

A low end healthy weight for someone 5'6" would be about 9st... maybe 8st 7lbs if they were really pushing it.  So 6st 9lbs really puts you in a very bad place.... BMI 15.  You need to go to see a doctor straight away because your in a very poor state of health.  Go back to the doctor that gave you the list of food and explain everything that you've explained above.  Take mum along for moral support.  I'm guessing you'll be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, and it's quite likely you'll be admitted to hospital or a specialist clinic.  If not, demand a second opinion.

Unfortunately, people in your situation not only starve the body but also the brain.  So depression is pretty common and rational thought becomes less and less likely.... 'something inside me stops me from doing what needs to be done'.... exactly that.  It's totally irrational and, most dangerously, it becomes a vicious circle. 

Part of breaking the vicious circle is 'eating', but when someone is as sick as you re-feeding can't be embarked on bull-at-a-gate.  You're in an extreme state of malnutrition and emaciation so it would be unwise to pile into stacks of peanut butter sandwiches straight off the bat.   However, you could aim to eat 'little and often'.... energy-dense, nutrition-dense foods and liquids.... until you get to see the doctor. 

But do go back to the doctor.... You need urgent treatment.

I couldn't agree more with the advice given by gi-jane above.  You need to get yourself urgent medical attention.

Your story sounds very similar to mine.  I too was in denial, and (mistakenly) telling myself as long as I was eating something, I wasn't anorexic.  This is not true - I reached a dangerously low weight despite always eating 3 times a day; I was just extremely restrictive in what I ate.

I can't emphasise this strongly enough - please get help.  You are at a dangerously low weight.  You can and I'm sure you will beat this, but you need proper support to do so. 

hi lucia85:)

I'm 22 and I really felt like I could relate to you when reading your post.  I just want to let you know that you are absolutely not alone in what you are feeling and I'm sure there are so many people on this site that can relate to how you are feeling.  I know what it is like to have your world dominated by food.  I never have had an eating disorder, but I have wasted countless hours thinking about food and counting calories then stressing when I over ate...and over analyzing...it is all consuming.

Here's what happened with me.  I spent my 2nd to last semester at school restricting calories and thinking wayyy to much about everything I put in my mouth and I wasn't doing any exercise.  Then around christmas time I some how had a revelation that I didn't want my days to revolve around food.  I needed another outlet.  For me, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to run a marathon.  I read many books and started a training program back in january and it changed everything for me.  Suddenly my days revolved more around my running and my time out on the road.  It was something I was doing for me and I looked forward to it so much.  I found that when I had something else to focus on, my issue with food faded to the background.  Also because of my training schedule I can eat more and not sweat it.

I'm not sure what interests you, but if you can find another outlet I think it could really help your issue with food.  And once you find a job (I know the economy really does suck right now! I just graduated and I'm out looking for permanent work...) you'll have that to focus on as well. 

I still have bad days where I get stressed about food, but they are far less often.  Hope this is of some help!:)

Emily

Hi Emily,

Thank you for your response, it does make me feel better to know that someone else has felt like this.

I do feel like once I have more going on I'll have more to focus on.  I used to go to the gym and was really fit and I really enjoyed that.  It was when I stopped going that I became really skinny and weak looking because not exercising also made me lose my appetite.

I do want to be healthy and fit- how did you get to a point where you thought, just stop doing this!  Did you seek any medical help?  To be honest, I'm scared to go to the doctors because the last thing I want/need right now is to be told I need to be hospitalised or something.

gi-jane I really don't want to be admitted to hospital.  I'm trying to get my career started and I just don't want that at all.  I know some things are more important, but the thought of the doctor telling me that I need to be hospitalised freaks me out.

Is it possible to get a hold of this by myself?  Has anyone done this?

Original Post by lucia85:

gi-jane I really don't want to be admitted to hospital.  I'm trying to get my career started and I just don't want that at all.  I know some things are more important, but the thought of the doctor telling me that I need to be hospitalised freaks me out.

Is it possible to get a hold of this by myself?  Has anyone done this?

 if you are in the UK and over 18, it's very unlikely that you will be admitted to an inpatient program as long as your health is not critical (it's spoken a lot on these forums about inpatient, but it's very much a last resort in the UK). Your weight is dangerous though and you do need help- a GP is likely to refer you to a local eating disorders unit. Yes, everyone ultimately does it 'by themself' (ie, nobody can recover for you) but having support and medical attention in the beginning is crucial. You need to  1) make sure that you aren't about to drop dead, and 2) reach out and get the help you need and deserve. You don't need to do this completely by yourself.