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Domestic Violence and living with an alcoholic!!

Ok, I know if you are like me you do not realize what some people endure behind closed doors. Also let me say please do not be judgemental, I need support. My husband is an alcoholic and has recently started to become physical. He attacked me 2 weekends ago in front of my children, hit me so hard I hit the floor. He told my children to let the bitch lay there. My 19 yr old called the police and he was arrested. Of course that only made things worse for me after he bonded out, which he did almost immediately. I am a full time college student with 1 yr to go to having my education degree. I am on the deans list, and really am at a crossroads, not knowing which path to take. I have no support, for I have been isolated just about from everyone. I cannot support 3 kids by myself and literally feel like I just need to disappear. Tomorrow is my anniversary (22 years, not all of them bad) and he came in with roses and sat them on the table and said here is your damn flowers, hope you are happy now.WOW! How am I supposed to feel about that? He told me to get away from him that he just wanted to be alone. Well I dont want to be alone, I am VERY LONESOME. Looking for some honest heart-felt advice without the judgement, You must realize where I live there is no jobs and I have 3 kids to worry about. ANY TAKERS ON THIS ON?

Kim, I can only imagine what you are going through.  I would like you call the national abuse hotline -- they may be able to offer you far more sound advice than anyone on site may do.

Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

I would say that you need to take the kids and get out of there.  I understand that it would be very difficult to do -- but it is your safety I am concerned with.  You can't be a good mother if you are in the hospital (or worse) -- that's not judging you, just stating facts.

I do understand that it is a very difficult situation you are in.  Most towns/cities have some sort of transition housing, where women and children can go and live while/when victims of abuse.

Get out.  Get out now.  I do not judge you and I understand it must be so difficult to be in your shoes right now. But there are places that you can go, though.  And you should be worried about your kids too.  If he is capable of doing this to you--what might he do to your children.  I promise, you won't be able to finish your education if you are dead.  He sounds like he is really angry for whatever reason, and I am really scared for your safety. 

You obviously have access to a computer--I would look online and find some sort of domestic abuse hotline.  There are shelters and such that can take you and your kids so that you will be safe.  I'm sure that not all of your 22 years were bad, but you have to realize---this is not who you fell in love with.  Mourn your loss from a safe place.  Please, please, please get out.

Ha! that is a good one. I live in a small town, where there are only 600 kids in kindergardent thru 12th grade. I do not want to uproot my children from their freinds, for they are involved in softball and soccer. I am trying to put their needs ahead of my own, He supports his family well financially, but that is it. I am an outgoing person and love groups of people. He has made sure to take all that away from me. he used to call me fat names, well, I lost 60 pounds, he cant do that any more, but it is kind of like this, do I throw away my college education and my kids stability at school just to get away from him or do I endure it for one more year, when I graduate with a elementary teaching degree in which I have almost been guaranteed a job, to where I can stand on my own two feet and leave with dignity? This is so difficult, but I do not know what to do. I have actually called that number before and the closest place for us to go was 75 miles away. NOT fair to my kids, my one child is the star on her team, and my son plays on a local soccer team, it is getting so hard to hide my pain, all i really want is a stupid sincere hug. DOES that sound dumb? Sorry, just am really upset about this. And thanks for talking to me.

KIM

Thanks, so much for your concern and advice, but I live in a very rural remote area of Mississippi and truly there is no place to go. my children and I would be on food stamps and welfare, is that truly better? I dont think so. He has never hurt my kids, just me, for what reason I truly do not know. It is so complicated, it is not that simple to just leave, I have no vehicle in my name, they are all in his, so guess what, Cant just leave. My family has turned there back on it, because he has smooth talked his way out of everything he has down. Classic isnt it. But thanks again for your advice.

Kim

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm also sorry that the advice you've been given is not what you want to hear. 

You need to get out now.  Think about it - is it good for your children to see you knocked to the floor, to have to call 911 and then have the abuser come back into the house to do it all over again.  Because he will.

Call that number again and explain what you need.  Start asking people you trust about lawyers, because you're going to need one.  I don't know what state you live in, but if it's one with community property laws, half of everything acquired during the marriage is yours, no matter who paid for it or who's name it's in.

Don't just accept the status quo because next time you could really get hurt.

 

It doesn't sound stupid at all.  Do you think it's fair to them to lose their mom if his violence gets out of control, though?  You obviously are working very hard toward this degree.  You can always go and talk to the dean of your school.  Often they have what they call hardship scholarships.  You might be able to still attend school.  He hasn't hurt them so far--but how long before he does?  He sounds like a ticking time bomb to me. 

I know food stamps and welfare doesn't sound better, but your well being is worth so much more.  You are worth much more than that.  I would say the closer you get to obtaining your degree, the more aggressive and violent he will get because he will know that you no longer have to depend on him.  I know you probably think I'm being dramatic, but I just don't want your graduation to take place on the same day as your funeral.  Please know that I will pray for you.  Anything is possible--regardless of the remote area you are in. 

Ok, I am starting to regret posting this situation. It is NOT that easy, I know women who have left becuase of similar situtations some of them it has been a year, the hearings keep getting continued, and still nothing settled, restraining orders are worthless here, and they are continuously tormented. I HAVE NO INCOME, AND THERE ARE NO JOBS. Attorneys cost money if you get one that can truly help you, the law actually came one time before the last and the deputys stood in the yard and laughed with my husband about me. THE CORRUPT SOUTH LEGAL SYSTEM IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT WHEN IT COMES TO THESE KIND OF SITUATIONS. i WOULD HAVE TO DROP OUT OF COLLEGE, SOMETHING i HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ALL BY MYSELF WITH A 4.0 TO DO WHAT GET A MINIMUM WAGE JOB OF 6.50 AN HOUR, THAT WOULD NOT PUT GAS IN A CAR MUCH LESS RENT, FOOD, ETC.  It is soooo easy for someone to say just leave but something deeper needs to come out of this post because I cant just leave, BELIEVE ME>

KIM

Well, I guess you knew what we would say though, didn't you?  Would you really want me to tell you "You're right.  There's nothing you can do.  So you might as well learn to live with getting the crap beat out of you."  I live in Tennessee---and I understand that you live in a rural area, but if you really want a change, then you have to be the one to effect that change.  Get a bus ticket--get out, start over.  You seem to have a tendency to let people abuse you, since your 19 year old beat you a while back too.  I know all of this stuff wasn't what you wanted to hear, but I guess I'm not really sure what it is that you wanted to hear.  You ARE strong enough...you CAN get out.  If you choose not to, I am so sorry. 

The definition of insanity:  "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".  I hope you figure out a solution to all this.  Sorry you didn't feel like you received any help here, but do know that you do have support.

What is it you want from us?  If you truely believe you can't get out, then you'll just have to live (or not) with the consequences.  I've been in a similar situation and I got out.  I was surprised that, once I began to ask for help, organizations and people came forward to help me.  It was rough for a while, but here I am age 66 an doing ok.

I hope you find your way out of this safe and sound, and I wish you all the best.

Original Post by marceleric:
Yes, I guess I did. You know when you read peoples comments sometimes they can sound so crude. I know what it is I need to do, just do not have the resources to do it, sorry I posted this, was just looking for a listening ear, not a judgemental goody-goody. I hope you never have to walk a mile in my shoes, because that is when you will find it isnt as easy as you make it sound, evidentally you have not endured what i have. Please do not respond anymore becuase you have made me feel low and very stupid, which I am neither, I have my children at the cente of all my decisions and if that means staying for their happiness then that is just what I will do. Just wanted support and prayers not judgement.

KIM

Well, I guess you knew what we would say though, didn't you?  Would you really want me to tell you "You're right.  There's nothing you can do.  So you might as well learn to live with getting the crap beat out of you."  I live in Tennessee---and I understand that you live in a rural area, but if you really want a change, then you have to be the one to effect that change.  Get a bus ticket--get out, start over.  You seem to have a tendency to let people abuse you, since your 19 year old beat you a while back too.  I know all of this stuff wasn't what you wanted to hear, but I guess I'm not really sure what it is that you wanted to hear.  You ARE strong enough...you CAN get out.  If you choose not to, I am so sorry. 

The definition of insanity:  "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".  I hope you figure out a solution to all this.  Sorry you didn't feel like you received any help here, but do know that you do have support.

 

I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this Kim. But it sounds like you aren't really looking for advice, this is venting and you have already made up your mind. You had to have known the reaction you would get. What person in there right mind would tell you to stay with this guy. C'mon now.

Yeah, your kids will get to stay with their friends and play on their teams... but what about the emotional damage this is causing them? I truly hope that they are able to break this horrible cycle and when older do not abuse their own families because this is what they grew up in. Please consider that aspect. Having to be on welfare and foodstamps should be the least of your concerns. I hope you make it out of there soon.

Kim -

I know it's hard, and that you feel that you have no options.  That's not true.  If you can't leave to protect yourself, leave to protect your children.   Trust me, I know.  My sister was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.  He cut her off from friends and family, and convinced her that she had no options. 

Today, my 9 year old niece is still in therapy, not only trying to deal with growing up in an abusive household, but also trying to come to terms with the violent death that ended the abuse last year on  my sister's birthday. 

Right now you do have the power to do something to protect yourself and your children.  I hope that you never have to feel the pain of knowing that you could have, but didn't.

Split

 

 

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Honestly Kim -- we really are just trying to help you out AND concerned for your welfare. I am sorry you have not had the luck with the domestic abuse hotlines -- I know the south can be sort of a "special" kind of place.

In good conscience, I can't recommend you stay -- however, if that is your intention, I suggest you try to cultivate a friendship with someone at school (you are going to a brick and mortar school, right? not online?), or perhaps you could engage the guidance folks? somebody, anybody -- so that you maybe have a place to run to if it comes to that -- or who will check up on you if it seems like something has happened to you

Please take care -- I'm sorry we can't offer you more than this

I am by far not a judgmental goody goody. You know what, I was with a guy who hit me while I was pregnant. I am lucky my beautiful son was born ok and without complications. THE REASON I REPLIED IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE. I was in a state living with him and a newborn baby with no family or friends. When my son was only a few months old, I said enough is enough and got the hell out and never looked back. ( also in a  rural area) I didn't want my son growing up around that crap and someday treat his family that way. I wanted my son to respect and love women. When I moved back to my home state with NOTHING, I had to go and get foodstamps and the whole shibang. As humiliating as it was ( and it was trust me), I was able to get a jumpstart back on my feet. I did this FOR my SON. I now have a wonderful successful life. The struggle I went through getting back on my feet made me the strong woman that I am today.

I truly feel for you and hope that you make the right decision, but I know from personal experience.. the whole " I can't leave" " I have nothing" is a bunch of excuses. YOU CAN. Will it be tough as hell? Damn right. BUT you did it for your kids. Like I said, school teams and friends? tough. They will thank you later.

Kim,

Its horrible what you have been through.  I understand he has never hurt your kids before.  Prior to these recent incidents, I understand he hadnt gotten violent with you before either.

There is something about crossing such lines like violence.  I was there, engaged to an alcoholic who who crossed one line after another.  There was something about occasional violence that makes them seem like 'incidents' and not the reality of an escalating process, especially when forgiven and life continues forth. 

I understand your reluctance - I was engaged to be married and didnt call off the wedding until forcing myself to move in with my brother out of state before getting my own place here.  Back then I returned a year later to visit my parents and discovered my ex had recently killed himself.  Had I remained, would he have taken me out with him or would Ive even had made it that far. 

It should be easier for all families at risk to remove themselves from such real danger.  I hope you dont need him to continue being physical against you, become more violent towards you or extend the violence to your children before understanding you are at risk. 

Its not fair that you should have setbacks your schooling or career and ideally you can limit it but those type of damages people recover from.  Hoping your sacrifices are few but that you do prioritize the safety of yourself and children.  Being on the receiving end means you dont have control over how far it goes - you can only stop it if you act before it goes further. 

Original Post by krazykim86:

Original Post by marceleric:
Yes, I guess I did. You know when you read peoples comments sometimes they can sound so crude. I know what it is I need to do, just do not have the resources to do it, sorry I posted this, was just looking for a listening ear, not a judgemental goody-goody. I hope you never have to walk a mile in my shoes, because that is when you will find it isnt as easy as you make it sound, evidentally you have not endured what i have. Please do not respond anymore becuase you have made me feel low and very stupid, which I am neither, I have my children at the cente of all my decisions and if that means staying for their happiness then that is just what I will do. Just wanted support and prayers not judgement.

KIM

I know you said not to reply again--but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.  I wish you had heard all the positive things I said.  I said I was praying for you, and that I know it's hard, and that you ARE strong.  I was in no way trying to make you feel low or stupid.  I was trying to be encouraging, because I really feel you can take control of your destiny.  I assure you, I will not post again.  I wish you the best and I hope you can find your way out of this mess. 

 

You say one of your kids is 19? How old are the other two? Tell the 19 year old to help you out with supporting you and the other two children, because I'd say lack of income is better than living a life of abuse.

The best thing I believe would be for you to look for work/school in a state far away from wherever you are. Apply for scholarships, an essay including "I have three children and need money to finish college because I just left my abusive husband" will definitely get a response.

Most importantly, and seemingly impossible- You need to pick up and leave. Get away from him. Obviously the law isn't helping you wherever you are so move somewhere a little less "southern," somewhere where things like that DO NOT happen. For instance, I live in Colorado and that would NOT fly. Move to a big city, somewhere you can meet people and create a support group for yourself. 

The other important question is, do you love him? Because it may be the fact that you DO love him causing you to feel enabled.

 

I don't know how old you are, but you have a 19 year old child so I'm guessing you have to be at least 38-40. Trust me, you waited this long to go to college, you can wait another year or two.

You don't mention if you have any family at all...ANY family at all?  No parents? No siblings? Cousins, aunts, uncles? Anyone of them would probably take you in for a while when you finally woman-up and leave this guy. Money means nothing! Especially if it's money from him. I can't believe you're still there after he hit you hard enough to knock you down! And did it in front of your kids!

You may have wished you hadn't posted this, and I wish you hadn't either because prayers and well-wishes are not going to help you. Only you can do that. You say that some of the 22 years were good? Maybe losing 60 pounds has put this control freak into a tailspin and he realizes he can't control your weight. If you got your weight under control, then what other part of your life can you start on next. He realizes that you're just biding your time till you get that degree and the kids are out of school. If that's the pattern, then the closer you get to independence, the worse he'll get!

Your kids are older. Sit them down and ask them what they think you should do. You already know. And that stuff about taking your kids away from their friends is just your excuse for not taking that difficult step. All you're doing right now is demonstrating to your children what marriage is all about. God help them.)

(I hate that this sounds so harsh, but I read about women like you in the newspapers all the time. A police officer was just sentenced locally for strangling his wife. A police officer...can you believe it?)

I have my children at the cente of all my decisions and if that means staying for their happiness then that is just what I will do.

That's a horrible thing to say about your kids. I can't believe that watching you suffer makes them happy.

That is a perfect question to ask. DO I LOVE HIM? Well,  I know that in the beginning I did. He was a true rags to success story, with a little help from me. I know lots of folks and pulled some back ground strings. He has a wonderful job and is well thought of out there, he is a true hard worker and perfectionist at whatever he does. EXCEPT ME. He used to be a sweet loving person. He has had some hard blows to his emotional state over the years, his mother and brother have turned there back on him, no contact at all, which is devastating to him. I seem to be the sounding stone when he gets to feeling down about this. Our teenagers tend to put alot of stress on us, and he cannot deal with it, unless he has a beer. I do not drink, I exercise when stressed. I know that I did love him dearly for his ambition and big open heart, but his big open heart has left and made me feel the love is only one sided. I am not sure if I love him anymore or just the security of a roof over my head. You know that Mississippi is the poorest state out of all of them. Just dont want my kids to suffer and have to do without, I love them with all I am. But then again what about me? Am I supposed to live without compassion and caring and love from a companion for the rest of my life? I guess I am what they call co-dependent?

This is so embarrasing to talk about, I hide it well here, but it gets harder by the day.