What Have I Done? I am a Monster.

CC,

I am a member of this site but I now write to you anonymously. I have done something awful. I have crossed a line. I hit my boyfriend of 3 years in the arm.

For the past few months he has been weening off medications (desipramine mainly). It made him irritable and easy to fly off the handle. Many nights, me calling to ask him if I should keep the dinner out sparked rage in him and he'd scream at me to leave him alone. He'd stay out until 7 sometimes 8 AM playing computer games at work. I of course operate on a morning schedule, and his late nights interfered. I still have text messages on my phone of him threatening to break up with me for merely calling him.

This happened twice a week for a while. Never raised a hand to me unless you count the time he forcefully grabbed my bicep when he'd suddenly run out of atenolol and was having quite the suddenly un-medicated day.

I don't have that excuse.

Fast forward to tonight. Another argument. I was going over a workout plan with him. I suggested a few times that he try to do some exercises after he heals up. I said it a few times because it seemed like he wasn't actually listening. Words escalated. He says "Thank you captain obvious, thanks for **** rubbing it in my face" and got really angry. Once he gets ruffled now, you cannot get a word in edgewise. No matter what you say to defend yourself, he will be louder and meaner until you back down. (For instance "I'm not angry, if you want to see angry Oh I can get **** angry and then you'll see you're **** wrong") He then crumples my workout table and throws it telling me to never ask for his **** help again. I grabbed his hand trying to get to the paper, as though I could never print it again... And all the sudden the pressure of a thousand arguments comes to a head. The pressure of so many late nights, so many pendulum like mood swings - I guess it was the straw the broke the camels back. I backhand slapped him, and hit him in his left pec/delt, which is where I was somewhat aiming (not at his face).

It's like I was convinced the only way he'd stop and listen was if I hit him. But I don't remember thinking about it and I don't remember doing it. I just remember boiling rage, trying to speak again and again and finally just stinging on the back of my hand. I didn't punch him. I didn't beat him. But I crossed a line I vowed to never cross.

And believe me the explanation above is by no means a justification for what I did, just an explanation for how I feel it happened. We argued a little while afterward, like a steam valved had opened but I screwed up.

I do take martial arts classes. I need to talk to my instructor about this tomorrow, this is not me. This is the anti-me...for god's sake. I usually have impeccable self control. I have for 9 years, since I slugged a kid for breaking a model kit of mine at the age of 12. I vowed to never unleash the sort of monster I felt inside of me sometimes, but here it is again.

I did NOT treat him as I would want to be treated. I have been vomiting for a while, and I cannot sleep. I'm trying to bump my therapy appointment up by a week to no avail.  Violence is not and has never been the answer, and no I do not view him as an easy target at all, in fact I never want to bump chests around him or try to throw my weight around / show power or control.

Maybe I just horrible on the inside and never knew it. Or maybe it's an isolated incident - I'm betting on the 2nd. I'm begging him for couples therapy. I've asked for a while.

As we speak, I am packing clothes and supplies in a duffel bag in case he gives me the boot. Best case scenario we stay together and I have to move back in with my parents, I think.

So here I am, sleeping on the floor of the spare bedroom / storage room. I'm a failure and a screw up once again and there's nothing I can do this time.

I am a monster.

You didn't hurt him.  If you had, he wouldn't have discussed things further he would have been crying like a baby.  Sometimes things happen.  Maybe this is the learning experience you need.  It shows that if you don't take care of your ****, then things can explode.  Since there was no harm (to really speak of) then there was really no horrible foul.  Don't let yourself be so pent up and then you won't have to deal with this again.  At least now you know your limits, and not to get to them again.  :-)  Hope that helps. 

I think your over reacting, chill if he dumps you over such a slight incident then the relationship wasn't that great anyway.

Abuse begets abuse.  He's been verbally abusive, violent, (throwing things, crumpling things, yadda yadda yadda) and flying off the handle for a while it seems.  It was only matter of time before you reacted the way that you did.  I'm not justifying your actions or trying to place blame on him.  You shouldn't have hit him and he shouldn't have been behaving the way he was, even if it was drug related.  Crap happens though. 

You're not a horrible monster.  You're human.

Chill B, it'll all work itself out.

I believe in equality in a relationship.  That means that men should not hit women and women should not hit men (unless either is in self defense).

I'm trying to look at this from a different angle.  What if this was a man posting about slapping his girlfriend....would I react the same way?  After considering this, I'm going to give you the same advice that I'd give a man.  I think both of you need to go to therapy with an emphasis on anger management.  It sounds like both of you have some anger issues.  Him, because of his situation with medication, and you because you are dealing with his moods.

Having said this, I don't think you are a bad person.  A bad person would not feel remorse for what he/she did.  A bad person would not think they did anything wrong.  A bad person would not make an attempt to change their behavior.  It doesn't sound like you are any of those things.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this situation.

Original Post by peaches0405:

I believe in equality in a relationship.  That means that men should not hit women and women should not hit men (unless either is in self defense).

I'm trying to look at this from a different angle.  What if this was a man posting about slapping his girlfriend....would I react the same way?  After considering this, I'm going to give you the same advice that I'd give a man.  I think both of you need to go to therapy with an emphasis on anger management.  It sounds like both of you have some anger issues.  Him, because of his situation with medication, and you because you are dealing with his moods.

Precisely my point. Like I said, I did not treat him as I wanted to be treated. We have equality and we have our boundaries; Physical violence, no matter how small, should never be the answer.

He's not speaking to me, and he has left me to sleep in an adjacent room with no bed. I can't sleep on the couch, or his mom will find out something is wrong. The LAST thing I want to do is involve her. He is asleep now.

Guys the bottom line is I lost control, even for a split second. That's scary.

I mentioned couples therapy before he fell asleep. He didn't want to talk to me but he heard what I said... so he said I'm the one who needs to go to talk to someone. Maybe he will think more rationally after sleep.

I didn't even mention the severe problems in our sex life that have added serious tension but the forum says not to say graphic things so I won't mention anything but that.

I am sorry but I am having real trouble understanding why a back hand slap has become such an issue, in fact i'm having trouble figuring why you are still even with him...............

You've packed your bag, now open the door...........

I'm sure you worth so much more than to be treated like this, sleeping on the floor like an animal, no no no no nooooo wrong it's all wrong!

Original Post by asimplemonster:

I mentioned couples therapy before he fell asleep. He didn't want to talk to me but he heard what I said... so he said I'm the one who needs to go to talk to someone. Maybe he will think more rationally after sleep.

 He is dead wrong.  You are not the only one who needs to talk to someone.  If what you say is true, then he's got some serious issues as well.  Hitting him was wrong.  But how he is treating you is just as wrong.  Don't let him put all your relationship problems on you.  Bottom line is that he needs to agree with therapy for himself as well....no if's, and's, or but's.  If he can't do that, then you need to seriously evaluate whether he is the man for you.

Original Post by andie-joe:

I am sorry but I am having real trouble understanding why a back hand slap has become such an issue, in fact i'm having trouble figuring why you are still even with him...............

 Would you react the same way if this was a man posting that he'd just backhanded his girlfriend?  Hitting is hitting...and hitting is a big no-no.  But at least asimplemonster has acknowledged that and is willing to take the steps necessary to correct the situation.

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by asimplemonster:

I mentioned couples therapy before he fell asleep. He didn't want to talk to me but he heard what I said... so he said I'm the one who needs to go to talk to someone. Maybe he will think more rationally after sleep.

 He is dead wrong.  You are not the only one who needs to talk to someone.  If what you say is true, then he's got some serious issues as well.  Hitting him was wrong.  But how he is treating you is just as wrong.  Don't let him put all your relationship problems on you.  Bottom line is that he needs to agree with therapy for himself as well....no if's, and's, or but's.  If he can't do that, then you need to seriously evaluate whether he is the man for you.

We both have serious issues. I am still dealing with a rape from 2 years ago, but only time seems to make that go away. I never had much of an anger issue / emotional issue until that guy **** my life over. Boyfriend is dealing with other issues from the past as well. We both have issues in the present. Waning sex drive on his part and you can thank a frigging 800mg of seroquel per day for that plus his recent inability to cope with his own issues, our schedules have become near opposites so we never see each other (damn school). He lives in regret many days and feels incapable of a lot of things. He hasn't seen his therapist in months.

Believe me I could go on. It feels like the more we try to work it out without a 3rd party, the deeper we dig a hole.

Also, this thread is serving as a thinking out loud space as well. Helps me organize what I want to say when I see my therapist.

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by andie-joe:

I am sorry but I am having real trouble understanding why a back hand slap has become such an issue, in fact i'm having trouble figuring why you are still even with him...............

 Would you react the same way if this was a man posting that he'd just backhanded his girlfriend?  Hitting is hitting...and hitting is a big no-no.  But at least asimplemonster has acknowledged that and is willing to take the steps necessary to correct the situation.

On the arm!.......... yes I would react the same, yes i agree hitting is wrong but being human is not we all have breaking points and very few of us know where those points are because it's a daily point depending on what has been going on, and lets keep it in prospective in that it was the arm, not the face, his jewels, shin all places where it would have had a much bigger impact  ouch!

I would say that for someone who it would appear is usually in control of what they do to be pushed to strike out by someone who by all accounts is supposed to care about them, I think he should be apologising to her for pushing/upsetting her to such a level that she felt the need to strike out in the first place. 

when Ithink of a backhanded 'smack' on the arm..... I think about my girlfriends and me!  like, if we see somethin' at the mall that's on sale for an unbelievable price... we're like....

"Shut. Up. !"

*backhand smack on the arm*

"That diamond neclace CANT be that cheap!!"

so when I read asimplemonster's 'rant', that's exactly how it sounded to me.... know what I mean?  like...

"Dude. Shut. Up. and Listen. !"

*backhand smack on arm*

only that I think.... in all honestly (no offense to the OP) that he was making a huge deal about it.  I think that he actually doesn't want to be with her anymore... and that by him making HUGE deals about 'nothing' is the only way he knows how to handle it.  I don't think he has the balls to break it off, so he's trying to force HER to do it. 

I don't know.... that's just what it sounds like to me

Oh dude, I totally misread this thread.  I thought she pimp slapped him in the face and then punched him in the arm/pectoral area. 

Now it seems both of you are overreacting. 

But, hitting out of anger still isn't a good thing to do.

Jeez, sounds like both of you are suffering pretty terribly.  You were raped just 2 years ago and have not disclosed why he's on the meds he's on which are impreding his libido.  IMO you both need therapy, and not because you hit him.  I think you both need your own individual therapy and couples therapy. 

The fact is this: If you have been traumatized, you have a lotta work to do.  I was also raped by an ex several years ago.  I've also been through some other traumas I won't get into here.  I don't know anything about your bf except he's on some serious meds which are prescribed for bipolar disorder.  The ex who raped me was bipolar, and when he became manic, he became psychotic.  It was terrible.  It was impossible.  After he raped me I came at him with a barrage of fists flying when he accused me of overreating, I really overreacted!  He actually called the cops on me, but because I had washed-up, in shame, there was nothing to prove.  Besides, we were living together.  It would have been my word against his.  I actually had to apologize to him and suck-up to him in order to not be arrested.  It was awful being with him.  I left him.  To this day he still doesn't understand why I left him.  He doesn't think he did anything wrong.  Really.  He's that screwed-up. My life is so different now, I can hardly beleive I was ever with that jerk.

The conclusion I have come to is that a relationship can only be as healthy as its least-healthy partner.  You both have issues which therapy would help with.  If he's bipolar, he needs more than just meds.  It sounds like he's inflaming you, manipulating angry response outta you and then using your reaction as a way to distract from his own issues.  How convenient.  If you are willing and he is not then he will never change.  You will eventually have to accept that hard truth and move on with your life.   

Original Post by mspw:

  I don't know anything about your bf except he's on some serious meds which are prescribed for bipolar disorder.  The ex who raped me was bipolar, and when he became manic, he became psychotic.  It was terrible.  It was impossible.  

A car accident many years ago in which he was hit head on and hit his seat rest so hard with his head he snapped it off. He experienced severe depression and mood changes after that. He was under a blanket of medications, but the doctors never took him off of them to see just how much brain healing had been done. He's on such high doses of everything, I fear for his liver.

I also backhanded a lot harder than I thought. There was a very audible 'thusmack' I think I hit him spot on with my knuckles instead of the flat of my hand, so maybe he thought I punched him? I don't know.

Break up with him.  Now.  And get yourself into therapy to figure out why you would stay in an abusive relationship then blame yourself for something so minor.  There is such a thing as a toxic relationship, and I believe you are in one.  You don't have to be.

Read this

Abusive Behaviour Checklist

"He's not speaking to me, and he has left me to sleep in an adjacent room with no bed. I can't sleep on the couch, or his mom will find out something is wrong. The LAST thing I want to do is involve her. "

I don't know why you would want to keep his abuse of you secret.  Maybe she can help you deal with him, if that is if you want to.  Like Clairelaine, I don't understand why you are still there.  The slap was a normal reaction to the constant abuse from him that you are dealing with and not some sort of failure on your part, in my opinion.  I'm not a professional so take my comments with a grain of salt but I do believe that you should seek out help from a professional.  You are in a position that no one should have to be in.

I don't think you're a monster, but I do think you are in a TOXIC relationship you need to get out of.  Healthy couples do not emotionally or physically abuse each other period.  Trust me.  I've been in dysfunctional relationships before- so much so that I've slept with a knife under my mattress.    This is NO WAY TO LIVE.

My current BF or almost 3 years is truly my best friend and we respect each other and rarely argue.  If we do have a fight it never gets degrading.  There is NO name calling, no hatred.  Then-- we agree to disgree (pretty much) and get over it.

You need to leave this guy b/c things will get worse before they get better.  Just my 2 cents.

There's nothing in the above posts that would neccessarily lead me to believe the OP is not a man. But that is beside the point.

If your boundary as a couple is physical violence, you did cross a line. Regardless of the provocation. It doesn't make you a monster, however.

He is right that you need to speak to someone -  with or without him - but not because of this incident. Because you need to really figure out if you are equipped as a couple to deal with his detox. You might even get some useful tools for dealing with the frustration, anger and fear.

While there's a part of you that doesn't want to 'give up' on him in his need, the endless arguing, negativity and unsatisfactory sex life are more than enough reason to re-evaluate this relationship.

No more sleeping on the floor, OP. Your boyfriend's mother's opinion of your relationship is moot. Sleep on the couch, or even consider moving out. But no more shame spiral. You made a mistake. It wasn't fatal. It wasn't even that injurious. Agree it can't happen again, but it's up to you to make certain it doesn't. If that means leaving for a while, then do it.

Get yourself out of the anger and into a discussion with your therapist. 

Original Post by clairelaine:

Break up with him.  Now.  And get yourself into therapy to figure out why you would stay in an abusive relationship then blame yourself for something so minor.  There is such a thing as a toxic relationship, and I believe you are in one.  You don't have to be.

Read this

Abusive Behaviour Checklist

 I agree 100%. 

 asimplemonster, you are not a monster at all.  anyone who has been treated like crap for so long would probably have reacted a million times worse than smacking him on the arm.   im sorry for your boyfriend's illnesses, but just because he has problems doesnt mean that he can justify being so verbally abusive all the time.   you need to get out of that relationship immediately.

There is more than just one type of abuse--emotional, verbal, and physical. YOU are not a monster. After putting up with verbal and emotional abuse (for what sounds like a LONG time) you lashed out! One "re-active" response does not make you physically abusive--certainly  not in the situation you described.

Listen to Clairelaine, trhawley, and oddfunk you are in a very unhealthy relationship. Find a therapist that can help you recover from your rape, recover your self-esteem and help you get healthy. Get out. Leave. You do not have to explain to your bf. Repeat after me... I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy. I am a good person. I am so out of this relationship. Now, grab your bags and go. REALLY. Not tomorrow, but today. You deserve SO MUCH MORE! When you are healthy, you can (if you want) enjoy a healthy relationship. This one isn't.