I just don't compare-- Wait, I guess I do!

Saturday we leave for my in-laws house in Texas and we'll be there a week (p.s. I'm from NJ so I'm really out of my element).  My brother-in-law has been dating this perfect girl with her perfect body and perfect everything, and she'll be there for Christmas too.  I'm feeling SO much pressure to compete with her, but at the same time, feel like I could never truly compare to her.  She's gorgeous... and I'm over here at 5'10'' and 198 pounds.  She's petite and southern and sweet; her and my brother-in- law are cute and lovey in front of everyone, and my husband's parents adore her.  I'm from New Jersey, and I'm nice, but I don't think they look at me the same way.  Plus my husband and I have been married for 3 years, so we don't do as much of the lovey stuff.  Plus I'm not small and delicate and beautiful like she is.  Whenever I'm with my husband's family, I just feel like everything with this girl and me is one huge competition!!!  *sigh*  Does anyone else have a similar situation?  Or maybe some advice? 

By the way, before you give any advice... I know, "I shouldn't compare myself to her.  I should be happy with who I am."  That sounds good in theory.  But it's not just me comparing the two of us... it's my husband's entire family doing the comparing.  I'm REALLY a holiday junkie, but this year I'm dreading Christmas. 

I'm desparate for some advice on how to get through it.

If it makes you feel any better, I know what you're going through...but from kinda the opposite side.

My female in-laws are heavy, and often make excuses to why they can't lose weight (never mind that they're not trying).  They'll often comment spitefully on how "sickly" or "scrawny" I look (I'm nowhere near that).

On top of that, they live out in the boonies and tend to spend the vast majority of their time at home.  My husband and I live right downtown in the city and enjoy the nightlife.  I myself like to dress casually but fashionably, and since I see my in-laws rarely, I try to dress nice.  My in-laws are more the sort to wear one of those holiday sweatshirts with the ironed-on decorations and glitter glue and all that.  Anyway, you're starting to get the idea.

When we went up there for Thanksgiving, we met my brother-in-law's new girlfriend, who definitely fit in with the other women much more than me.  I was always getting left out of the conversations and not knowing what was going on, and people mostly talked around me instead of to me.

I've never been a snob to these people, and have tried my hardest to include myself in whatever they were doing.  (Unfortunately, we do not share any of the same interests whatsoever.)

So it really hurt when the new girlfriend was treated like more of a family member than me, the son's wife of over a year.

Exactly!  You definitely described my husband's family too.  I'm an outsider because I have no idea who/what everyone's talking about.  And the holiday sweaters?  Totally this family too.  And they're out in the boonies while I'm not that way, I grew up outside NYC.  It's just frustrating that this perfect, skinny, southern girl is treated so well so quickly and I had to fight to be accepted.  Now that she's in the family I feel more like an outsider than ever.  :-(

When I am feeling bad because I'm on the losing side of a comparison like that, I try to find something, however small, that I know I'm "better at" or that I have and that person doesn't, just to help my esteem a little.  I know that if I can make myself feel a little better, I'll act much more confident, which will change the comparison as well.

It can even be something kind of simple or even a little shallow.  Whatever it takes for you to not feel so down - especially since no one has to know but you.  And you might find out that that person's not so perfect after all.

And they get to dictate how you feel ... for what reason?  What they think is their problem.  You can't control what they think.  However, you can control how you react to it.  You can relax and stop fretting about what you can't control.  Try to activate your sense of humor.  Maybe this petite pargon will turn out to be a total bitch. Maybe she has some evil secret.  Maybe she's a brainless little boob.  Don't make yourself feel inferior!!!

courtbarb, no criticism intended, but, could it be that they sense you are looking down your nose at them?  I don't know what the solution would be, except to just get through the disagreeable visits.  Is there any way you could host the holiday some year?  Then they'd be on your home court.

I kind of know how you are feeling. My brother married this very petite, beautiful girl. She had long gorgeous blond hair, blue eyes, perfect body. I only weighed maybe 20 lbs more than her, but I  felt very fat next to her. After her first baby she weighed the same as I did! She quickly lost the baby weight and was back to her perfect body in no time. It has taken me almost 10 years to come to terms with the fact that I will never be like her. She is naturally slim, it's how's she built. I am naturally curvy, and will always have thicker, shorter legs than her. I love her to pieces, and now can actully be in the same room with her without comparing myself to her. I hope everything works out for you someday. (((HUGS)))

Awwww.... but you're such a cutie!

I bet you if you ask her, she'll tell you she's jealous of YOU and being tall. 

I've always been one of the tallest of any of my friends (actually reached 5'10" at one point but seem to have lost inches with kids -- I think they're in my hips now )  and the one thing that was ALWAYS true is that they wanted my height.  Desperately.  Of course, I loved being tall, but it was a little weird and uncomfortable looking like an amazon when we would all go out together.  The only thing that got me through it was a buttload of self-confidence.

Okay, so fast forward.  I've actually met other women TALLER than me!  And wish I had their height.  And they're probably wishing they had mine so THEY weren't the amazon in the bunch.  No one is ever happy with what they have.

With the family, unless they've actually SAID to you that "we're comparing the 2 of you and you just don't measure up to HER," then it's all in your head.  You've been around for 3 years.  You're already part of the family and they don't feel the need to try to include you because you're already included.  The girlfriend is new to the scene.  Revel in the comfort level you and your husband have with each other NOW in that you don't *have* to have PDAs to know you love each other.  You've already been there, done that.  That alone puts you at least 2 up on the new girl

courtbarb, yours just sound truly intimidated by you.  Only time, I suppose, will let them see that you don't bite with yer big city ways.  LOLOL (I am just kidding there -- if you could hear the drawl I said that with in my head.....)

I'm a country girl (okay, a cultured redneck may be a better term -- I know better, I just don't care -- it's more fun doing it my way) that had to fit in with a family of New Yorkers.  They accept me well enough now, but BOY did we have a rough patch.  There are times I still feel like we're just getting to know each other.  After 12 years though you kind of stop caring and just go to have fun -- I married my husband, not his family, and I KNOW he likes me.  In the long run that's all that matters.  You're just going to have to trust me that with age comes apathy. 

And you two need to remember also... you're **married** to your guys.  These girlfriends may not even be there next year

i know you don't want to be told not to compare yourself but honestly why should you?  you justify dwelling on your self imposed insecurities by insisting that your in-laws are measuring you up against each other based on your physical appearance.

that doesn't speak highly of your opinion of them, and an attitude like that can give off a subtle aura of unapproachability.  your husband chose YOU out of all the fish in the sea.  do you go around comparing yourself to all the other women in the wolrd that he could have chosen?  why pick out this one woman who happened to be chosen by someone related to him as a means to sabotage yourself?

sorry if my post comes across as unsympathetic, but honestly i don't think people should be encourged to dwell on these negative, unconstructive, self generated pity thoughts.  give your in-laws some benefit of the doubt and walk in assuming that they respect both of their sons equally, as well as both of their choices in life mates.  you'll make yourself more pleasant to be around and you'll enjoy yourself a lot more.

ps. i'm also only so blunt because i have been on both sides of the situation.  growing up i maturely quickly and was surrounded by caucasian girls i felt flat nosed, squinty eyed and chubby.  even at 5'4.5" i felt huge and akward around most of my friends who were all around 5'.  now i'm living with my boyfriend where suddenly people make comments about how short, small, tiny i am ect.  it's weird and makes everyone self concious bringing up comparsions like that.  if anything, think of your husband.  it probably makes him feel especially akward in a no-win situation if you feel that way. 
aaah make it stop!

I think the best strategy is to befriend your BIL's girlfriend. Get to know her. Welcome her with open arms, and all that. Can you whisk her away for a "getting to know you" chat over coffee somewhere, without the rest of the family hanging over you?

Yes this takes courage and confidence, but you can always "fake it until you make it." Put aside your own insecurities, and imagine what it is like for her, she's the one who's the outsider at the moment. They aren't married yet, and you are. I bet you'll find she's just as insecure and has her own intimidations she stresses over.

It's an awful lot of work to be constantly perfect. And when you choose to view her this way, it adds a heavy burden on her shoulders, to live up to that view. So don't do it.

And here's another perspective to consider, from the flip side:

In my first marriage, I was the one that was the "perfect" daughter-in-law. My (now ex) MIL and FIL would compare me to the other Daughters-in-law constantly - to my face, behind their backs. I was the only one who converted to catholicism and agreed to marry in the catholic church with a big mass and everything... and that was huge to them. I was the first to give them grandchildren, another point in my favor. And I'd given up my career to raise my children, yet another bonus point. I was the absolutely perfect, stepford wife. I let my MIL white-glove test my house, listened patiently and actually took her advice on how to keep it cleaner. I even allowed my MIL to help with the birth of my daughter.... while my own mother stepped back. And we lived closer than the other DIL's so they could visit us ... constantly....

Gack, I'm sure those other DIL's hated my guts. LOL. But you know what happened... I broke! I couldn't stand it anymore.... it was all way too much! 

I ended up being the cause of the first divorce in that family.... Well, there was a lot more going on to lead to the divorce than the in-laws...  my ex was certainly equally if not mostly to blame.. but from their perspective, I became the "evil home-wrecker."  LOL. (Yep, I can laugh now... that was years ago!). They hate me now. Their career-minded, far-away-living, working-mom, non-Catholic DIL's who resist MIL's suffucating tactics are so much more in favor these days!!

It really is a huge burden to be "the favored one." Trust me. You don't want to sign up for it. Be happy that you're not that one... you are your own individual self, your hubby loves you for it, it enables breathing room around you so the marriage is all about you and him... not you, him, MIL, DIL and everyone else.

Meanwhile, be kind to this new potential SIL of yours... because if she signs up or gets automatically enlisted to be the favored one, it's definetly not going to be wine-and-roses like you think it is going to be. She's going to need an understanding ally and a friend, and you are the perfect person for that position.

Incidentally, when I signed up for my second marriage, I gratefully appreciated when one of my SIL's took me under her wing. And in turn, I've taken on the newest SIL under my wing! (There is one more SIL but my BIL is in process of divorce).

EDIT to add a P.s.:

I think that it's fairly common for families to get all excited about the next potential DIL in the family! You and your hubby have been married and settled for awhile now, so you're not the current big thing going in the family. This is normal and expected! It's now BIL's turn, and this is where the family's attention just  happens to be. It may feel  like his girlfriend is perfect and they're comparing, but maybe it's more like you just don't feel the heat of the attention anymore, since it's been diverted to the next potential bride-to-be?

Of course... you could get pregnant right now, and divert all the attention back to you, if you really want that... LOL. :-)

My brother's girlfriend who he'll likely marry (hopefully since she's awesome) is the EXACT same hight and bone structure as me, but has always been an athlete and has a perfect body (the green eyes, long blond hair and gorgeous face don't hurt) I'm looking forward to seeing her over the holidays, but she always makes me feel a bit bad about myself (though she couldn't be sweeter, she really is an awesome girl, don't want to sound like I'm harping on her at all)

Instead of feeling horrible about being compared to her, make FRIENDS with her.

Talk to her, discover what's she's like. I bet you'll find out there's a reason they really love her, and you might end up loving her too, and the horrible feeling of being compared will go away.

My best friend is 5'8", super thin, and absolutely breath taking. I love her to pieces, and yes, I feel like we're being compared all the time in front of EVERYONE'S eyes. But she's my best friend, and she sits there and rolls her eyes at people who whistle at her, and makes fun of them with me. She makes me feel loved, above all else.

In the end, it's so much better to make friends with the new girl, than to feel hurt by her presence. I hope things work out with you and the family, and if nothing else helps, remember, she's the girlfriend, you're the wife. You ARE family.

We've tried getting them to come up to visit us...but they don't like to drive or leave their place.

I think they still resent me for "stealing their baby away".  The nicest word I can come up for them is "ambitionless".  My hubby was the youngest and the first one to go to college, the only one to leave home, and the only one to get married.

I tried joining in on things they like and bonding with the other ladies, but every attempt has just ended up with me doing something I hate while everyone continues to not talk to me.

As far as them being intimidated...I seriously doubt it.  If anything, it's the opposite.  My mother-in-law is the bully of the family, and things have to be just her way.  I think she resents that someone else now has more influence over her son.

And these aren't quiet country folk.  They're originally from New York, and the first time I ever visited out there I was surprised at how they didn't reserve their screaming matches for when guests weren't around.  But apparently I'm not family enough to get yelled at.  j/k

Maybe I left out the part about how she's 19 years old?  And that she doesn't really speak to me much, I don't know if she's shy or what.  I'm very approachable, I'll talk to anyone.  Her and I have actually stayed in a hotel room together and I tried to stay up talking and watching the fashion network and doing the girly thing.  She wanted no part of it.  I've given advice over the internet when she's asked for it about her soon to be MIL.  I've even bought her Christmas presents.

I know everyone will ask why I'm jealous of a 19 year old, but in this part of Texas, the small town feel means people get married at 18, 19, 20 years old.  She's viewed on the same level as I am, not as a young girl who needs to grow up a bit. 

And when I say that I feel forced to compete, it's because we'll be opening presents on Christmas morning, and she and my brother in law will LITERALLY try and outdo us on giving each other presents, meaning the presents they give each other HAVE to be better than the ones my husband and I give each other.  When we do something, they have to one up us.  When we talk about something, they have to one up us.  Even with clothes, she's constantly trying to put together the better outfit, the nicer shoes, the everything.  I'm just me.  I bring the same clothes i would bring whether she's there or not.  But everyone dotes on her, constantly.  They love that she's from Texas, they love that they have known her family for years, and they love that she's beautiful and perfect.

This isn't in my head people, believe me.  I'm tired.  I don't want to compete anymore, but I'm constantly pushed to.  I spend Christmas sitting there listening to everyone, because she's from the same town my husband's family is from, they've all lived there their entire lives.  So they all know the same people, the same stories, the same places.  I just sit there listening. 

I'm just tired and wish I was home for Christmas.   

 

You need to be strong in who you are. Someone is always going to be better than you. Someone is always going to be worse than you.

Why are they trying to compete?  How petty is that, if you look at it from an outsider's point of view? What are they trying to prove? What are they hiding?

Why do you care if they're perceived as 'better than you', if you feel that you're strong in yourself, and who you and your husband are? Know yourself, know your strengths and your flaws. Don't allow someone else's false light of fakeness bring you down. You're you, you're beautiful, and from what I've seen, you have a heart. Trust in your husband, and let this wash over you and away.

Petty people live off reactions. Don't give them the satisfaction if that's how they are.

The Luckiest was on post number 13 I decided to post to take the unlucky number out of lucky hehe................

As for your predicament hmmmmmmmm maybe you should just try working on your relationship with your man vs trying to please and make his family accept you. If they dont accept you now they may never and thats not what is important here. Do your best to be the best 'you' while visiting dont act overly willing to please and let what happens with them happen. Its not the end of the world coming from someone who has been married for over 12 yrs and still dont get along with my inlaws I just choose to take it as their problem not mine and so should you.

I say try to look your best act like you are the best and use other of your talents to WOW them....how well do you cook? can you hold a good conversation?

You look gorgeous!! So you won't have to worry about your BIL's gf outdo you :D

If she tries to one up you during holidays, that tells me that she's probably more insecure than you are and tries to cover that up with really nice outfits and overwhelming presents. AND/OR that she's not that mature. Even if everybody in that town gets married at 18,19, 20, just because they are getting married, it doesn't automatically make them mature.

The more confidence you have, the more you will shine!! So don't lose that and you will be fine. Oh and one more, you can't please everybody. Sad fact of life.

-LemonJello

I don't think you are really so worried about how you compare, you just feel left out because you are so far from home while everyone else seems to be "at home" with each other (because they have all known each other for so long).

Sure, they may have the past in common and have lots to talk about- so what! You are a member of the family now. Start a new tradition that you all can talk about for years to come. Bake cookies together, bring along a fun game for everyone to play, go Christmas caroling, whatever works for you. The key is to be upbeat about it and focus on making new memories with your new family.

Or, if all else fails- everytime someone starts to gush about little miss perfect, gush right along. You will fit right in, and everyone will know that you are secure enough to handle it when someone else is complimented.

They're probably just buttering her up, grooming her, for that day in the future when your MIL and FIL get older and decide to sell their house.... so they can move in with your BIL and his family .... esp if they want to stay in texas (I mean, c'mon, it's cold in NJ and their friends aren't there!)

Do you really want that assignment? I didn't THINK SO!!!!

Anyway, if it helps, you look an awful lot like my best friend. You remind me of her, physically. She and I are exact opposites, except that we're both blondes. She is tall and pear shaped with a teeny tiny waist and really long legs... I am only 5'0" but apple shaped with stumpy legs. She is nearly 6'0 tall and always wears high heels... walking into a room with such confidence all eyes are on her immediately. Whereas I'm often overlooked as this "delicate" thing (gack, a word I HATE)....  even when I wear high heels, I barely register in people's vision because I'm so friggin' short!! She looks glamorous and stunning... I just look "cute." Gack, another word I hate!!! 

She can carry off designer handbags and prints and oh so many other fashions, because she's so darn tall. Whereas I cannot - they overwhelm my size. Fendi? I look like a little kid playing dress up!

Okay so maybe I'm the one people would call "sweet" (GACKKKK) whereas they'd be more likely to use the word "sharp" for her... because she's a really, really smart cookie.

I took the traditional route and had kids at a young age, they are now teens. Whereas she held off on that, until she could establish her career. She now wants children, and envies my motherhood... whereas I now wish I was farther along in my career, and I envy hers.

We're both thoroughly jealous of each other... and tease each other all the time about it...  but we love each other nonetheless! She has everything i want to be, I have everything she wants to be. It's weird but, it makes for a great friendship. I've learned to appreciate what I have through her eyes, and vice versa.

Ohhhh.... and yes, we DO compete when it comes to clothes! LOL! That started long ago. We're both into fashion. We channeled it into a weekly "girls night out" shopping trip. :-)

It takes two to compete. Stop playing the game. Just stop playing. I think you might have inferior feelings apart from the family...work on that instead. You have nothing to be ashamed of, yet you sound ashamed. Have you asked yourself, and I mean just your self, why you feel ashamed? Because the answer in inside you, not with the family.

Quite frankly, so what if she's little and cute? If she's a one-upper, I guarantee you she's not a good person...she's got her own problems she's sitting on. Just be yourself.

jeansmith said it perfectly! 

I am sure you two have a solid and wonderful marriage - you HAVE no reason to feel you must compete with your brother-in-law and his girlfriend.  Quite frankly, even if his family IS comparing you two, they are not worth it anyhow.  I don't care if that sounds blunt.  I'd be civil - even friendly, but my heart wouldn't be in it if they ARE in fact shallow enough to compare you to someone else based solely on looks.  "Pretty looks" does not mean a pretty person(ality).  I know you must know this.  You honestly seem like a very genuine and kind person. 

And if she is a 'ONE-UPPER', she CLEARLY has insecurities of her own underneath all of that.  People that comfortable in their own skin shouldn't feel the need to justify themselves to everyone.  Sounds like she seeks approval, and her need to one-up proves that.  Prove you are the more mature woman and DON'T play into that.  For God's sake she's 19.  When I think back to myself 10 yrs ago......well, let's just say I'm a MILLION times more secure with myself now.