I don't mean to be cryin'

... but I am sooooo freakin' frustrated.

I am just going to say it... I love food. I hate exercise. *tears welling in my eyes here* - I have tried every diet, every pill, even exercise that I can't stick with. (Please don't mince my words here, I know what healthy lifestyle eating is... tried, and done, and succeeded) BUT why do I fall off the wagon?!?

There have been times in my life where I have lost 45 lbs. In fact I did it last year - AGAIN. My weight is literally like a yo-yo. I went through the family picture albums recently, and I could see it. In some pictures, I recall how GOOD I FELT because I had lost weight. Then in others, I could recall... much like I am feeling now, of how AWFUL I FELT because I hated the way I looked. I am not as heavy now as I have been at times before, but I definitely DO NOT want to get there again.

After my grand success last year, in the past 8 months, I have gained 25 lbs. UGH. When I lost all that weight last year, I FELT GREAT!!! I got rid of all my "fat girl" clothes, because "I am never going to be there again!" Boy, did I kid myself!! I CANNOT WEAR A THING I own, because I have "grown" out of it all. I wear tshirts and stretch pants these days... EW! Reminds me of my pregnancy days! (Please forgive me if my terms are offending, this is just me in my own self talk, not intended to hurt anyone else, as I am truly my own worst critic, and I beat up on myself constantly!... Forgive?!?)

I saw my mother in law today, she has lost 13 lbs. and she LOOKS GREAT!! I am so envious and I want to get myself into loss-mode again! ITS JUST FRUSTRATING!! And not to go into detail, but there are other factors in my life that are causing me to emotionally eat... I have logged my foods, bought healthy stocks of food, and tried SO HARD to get on track, but I continually falter and become distracted by those around me.

As I find myself mindlessly sitting here eating a Twix bar! After my oh so healthy TUNA sandwich and oh yes... the half bag of kettle cooked, indescribably delicious potato chips, that I could JUST NOT PUT DOWN. I confess, I love food. I love to eat, I love flavor, and I love to feel full. THERE, that should fix things, right? I just confessed to the world what a wimp I am, and what a glutton I am. I healed myself! Riiiight..... (sarcasm always helps right?!? LOL!)

Bottom line is, I am TIRED OF TRYING. I am tired of logging, tired of losing sleep over gaining weight. Tired of not fitting into my clothes. Tired of trying to cook with less fat, less salt, less everything. Tired of planning my meals, tired of trying to resist temptations. Tired of reviewing workout plans online (P90X) and obsessing over it by trying to talk myself into believing i could actually do it, tired of other people having success, and NOT ME. Tired of looking at skinny people when I go out. Tired of feeling FAT. Tired of talking about it with my friends! Tired of wanting to do it, but never doing it. Tired of LYING TO MYSELF. I feel like just giving up! SO TIRED OF IT ALL! And... yes, when I am angry, which I very much am, with myself...   I cry! And its because I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Maybe you've been there, like me... 20 times up and down the scale. VERY UNHEALTHY for me!! Maybe you haven't been there. Just thanks for letting me vent.

~Nanny

Oh yes,

I HAVE been there, done that.

Sara.

I really do relate to pretty much everything you've written. And I'll tell you what I try to tell myself. Not that it always works, but it's worth a try. Hope this gives you a little comfort.

Mainly, my point is: Be nicer to yourself. There's so much self loathing here, so much judgement. Food is not a moral issue (unless you're thieving it or somesuch). That Twix bar doesn't make you a bad person. It's only natural to want to eat nice food. Only human.

I know there are some people on here who seem to live just fine on a diet of fruits and wholegrains, but that just ain't us. We need our treats! 

Putting so much effort into what you eat or don't eat, and judging yourself so harshly, I'm not surprised that you are so emotionally exhusted. I've been there many times myself, and it truly sucks. Your self esteem is in a hole right now, and before you go any place, you need to lift it out and take some care of yourself. Because regardless of your weight and what you eat, you are still a human being, still deserving to be valued, loved and respected. 

Peace, x

dwf

Sara - I am so glad I found your thread about Wagon Jumpers, it could not have been more appropos!! Thank you for accepting me to the group, I have strong intentions, but will need the support.

piplifa -  you made me cry all over again. None of us ever get enough of that. Thank you!

danceswithforks - I love your screen name, I wish I'd been that creative with mine, it just makes me giggle! There is no need to admire me, but thank you. I have thought and thought about it all, and I figured part of the problem is that I am not being honest with myself. Who knows, maybe public confession was my "moment in time". Thanks for the good tips, and thoughtful thoughts. It looks as if you are doing well, keep up the good work.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when I am perfectly happy eating 1000 calories. But other days, 3500 calories creeps up and I realize I am way out of bounds. And it seems those higher days are more frequent as time goes on. And it's showing, because of my wardrobe. Thank you all for reading and responding. Its comforting to know I am not alone.

~Nanny

I love your post. It was so well written and describes probably 90% of the people here. I can so relate.

From the moment I was a teen and realized that I was different from my friends. Watching them eat cheeseburgers, cookies, drink soda and not gain a pound. Knowing that if I did the same thing, I'd balloon up like a blow fish. It's a sad lesson we learn at a young age, but even more sad because I knew what would happen if I ate that way, but I didn't care.

I am 35 years old now. When I was 34, I topped the scale at 320 lbs. The biggest, scariest, depressed I've ever been in my life. I didn't eat purely for hunger. I ate because I felt empty inside. Empty of emotions. Empty of self worth. I was going to eat my way into an early grave and I didn't care. I would eat without thought.

Today at 35, I weigh 256 lbs. What was my motivation? I mean aside from the obvious, wanting to look thin and sexy, my motivation was loving myself again. The first thing I did was some serious soul searching. I decided that I am worth it. I don't want to die. I don't want to eat myself to death. I had to learn to love myself again. That was the biggest thing for me. At 320 lbs, I didn't love myself. I was void of all emotions except for depression.

I counted my blessings. Looked at my life in a whole new light. I like who I am. I made some mistakes, but I am a good person and I don't want to die young. I lost 50 lbs without even trying. Without even dieting. How? Because I loved and respected myself enough. The weight just started to come off because I wasn't so empty inside anymore, I didn't need to fill my body with all the calories and crap food.

Please learn to love yourself and accept yourself for any mistakes you make. We are our own worse critic. Don't be so hard on yourself. When you feel yourself starting to think thoughts like, "God how could you eat that? Do you have no willpower? You are sick. Gross! (thoughts I used to say to myself)" Just step back, look at the mistake you made and examine it as if someone else just told you they were the one to make that mistake. How would you respond to them? I seriously doubt you'd make them feel bad for it, so you shouldn't do it to yourself either.

It took a lot of work for me to love myself again. I still have moments where I feel upset. I still have moments where I try to talk bad to myself, but I quickly push it aside. I am so empowered right now. I quit smoking 5 months ago and lost 14 lbs since then. I am strong when all this time I thought I was weak. You will be surprised when you do some soul searching the person you have inside that is just waiting to come out.

You can do this! Good luck.

Separated at birth?  Nanny- are you my long lost twin?

I lost 20 pounds last year and have put it all back on and then some.  I too have no clothes that fit.  I had Wendy's for lunch.  I had plenty of healthy food available to me.  I just ignored it.  UGH.

Added you as a friend... let's stay in touch and help each other out.

It may be that you're restricting yourself too much.  If some days you're content with 1000 calories, there are going to be other days when your body reacts from that and you scarf everything in sight.

I do believe that you shouldn't have to torture yourself to maintain a 500 calorie deficit, but you do have to either limit the quantity of the treats that you have or the frequency.

As far as exercise goes, there are only a few forms that I like and those involve group classes, so perhaps trying to be a bunny on a treadmill or a hamster on an elliptical is as bad for you as it is for me.  I get my exercise by prepaying for group classes.  If I miss a class, then I'm out the cash and I also have other regular people asking me if I've been sick when they haven't seen me.

Nanny and others,  You all hit the nail on the head..I think we have all felt this way from time to time. But this really describes my issues to a T!

I think I have a food addiction..of sorts.. I am like a heroine addict in that if I have a little of something to eat it triggers me to go off on a mini calorie binge and i feel like a bottomless pit. My weight has gone up 10# in the past 2 mths and i feel like I'm in a constant battle of wills against my urge to eat.

I have the same problem with my clothes not fitting. I have a rule that I will not buy bigger clothes because then I will just expand even further, so when I gain weight like now, i have nothing to wear.  i end up wearing the long baggy dresses and skirts and the same 2-3 pairs of pants. The majority of my wardrobe consists of "skinny" clothes because when i buy clothes is when i am rewarding myself for losing weight... So.. **sigh** I have the most awesome wardrobe when I am 10-15# thinner than I am right now! Ha!

I'm glad i found this thread. Maybe we can all commiserate and maybe if we talk about it enough and vent about it we will be able to resolve some of our issues.

It's just nice to know you are not alone sometimes.. ;)

I totally can relate- as I think most people can that log on here- we aren't here because are so very successful or we wouldn't be here-misery loves company and all that lol.  I have fought the scale for all of my adult life with lots of ups and downs but one thing that has finally reached my skinny side of my brain-  and thats to take a day or two off but weigh yourself so that you dont slip up into too many pounds.  If you slip up at one meal or snack then get right back at it for the next meal or snack dont wait until next week to try again.  Gained five pounds over the weekend?  Use the week to lose it!  Calcium is a great help in controlling hunger/ 6 small meals a day helps also for that plus helps boost your metabolism.  The trick is to still pick healthier foods most of time with some room for the naughty snacks.  Its all in moderation-that being said the hardest thing is putting into motion and not giving in.  Like you I eat when I am upset or bored but I am working on asking myself each time I want to reach for a bad snack is if its worth it and will it help?  We just cant give up!!  We can do this!! If other people can do this we can too!! Chin up girl!!

Well put piplifa!  We need to take care of our emotional side too!!

Back to what Piplifa said, "be nicer to yourself.... it's on ly natural to want to eat nice food." I have been thinking of this for the past few hours, and my conclusion is, that when I am "nice" to myself, its usually a food reward. I know I could reward myself with taking a walk on this beautiful evening, or with listening to some of my favorite music, or reading a magazine, or a bubble bath, or getting my nails done, what ever.... But me, no, I'd rather have a popcicle, or drink a lite beer.

That's my form of relaxation, FOOD. See, vicious cycle. It's not like I want cake all the time. Sometimes, I want a nice salad, with feta, and olive oil, and red vinegar... But I want you all to know that I am not going to sugar-coat this within myself any more. I have to speak the truth or I won't get anywhere, AND it would be patronizing of me to say "thank you all for all your support, it has helped so much!" And then turn around and go eat some left over spaghetti. ( I don't mean to come across as crass, I am just upset with me!) Thank you again for your kind words. I am a stubborn piece of work most of the time! But yes, I can. I can do it.

danceswithforks - I am really trying to turn around.. LOL! In fact, this is the day of mental purging!! Tomorrow, I will have read up (the Wagon Jumpers thread that Sara hosts) and will have a bona fide PLAN. Water... yes water. Thank you, WATER.

gingin - What occurs when we bear our hearts is truth, and the truth will set us free. "well written" ????? WOW, its just letting what is inside come out. LOL! I think I am getting the hang of what you guys are all saying to me now... It's my emotions that are the problem. Yes... you are so right! "my motivation was loving myself again." I have said this time and time over. Truly! Oh how I have forgotten where I have been. You are worth it, and I am worth it!! See, I can jump on the wagon! LOL!! I am not being facetious, I DO HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET EXCITED AND MOTIVATED, but what irritates me to death is... I FALL OFF. That's what bugs me!! I have great success, then I sabotage it! Grrr. And therefore, anger @ self. Vicious circle, again. BUT, I will do this. I must. Good luck, and thanks for your encouragement!

kthompson - MY TWIN!! LOL! Come read the Wagon Jumpers thread with me tonight. Sara has SO MUCH info!! I am excited because I think we could all benefit!

smwhipple - thanks for stopping in, and I have thought a lot about the cash thing, there is also much to be said for accountability. Weight Watchers is right down the street! Why haven't I gone? Maybe I'd rather hide here in my stretch pants... But yes, when you put cash into it, there is a higher level of commitment. I will definitely consider some yoga or aerobics. I tried to get my boyfriend to purchase bikes for us, but so far, nothing. Thanks again.

lifeinkcals - I have though I may have an eating disorder as well. Not just a food addiction. And what ever it is, its not severe. I mean, I don't really binge, or purge, or starve... Its more like OCD behavior. I pick things apart, like the Twix bar, I eat all the chocolate off, then the caramel, then the cookie. In that order. Every time. Same for a Snickers. My french toast has to be cut into 9 equal squares. Etc... food can touch on my plate tho.. LOL!

I have that rule too, that's why I am so upset!! Autumn is here, and all i have to fit are sweats. ugh. I do have one pair of jeans. Thank goodness! But I am def NOT BUYING anything, until this is off me!

I am glad I got so much response! We definitely need to back each other up!

dawnbmist - misery def loves company... LOL! What foods to you use for your calcium sources? As far as giving up, as I have mentioned in replies to others, this is my purge the brain day. I can give up no more than you or anyone else. Even though that would be the easy road, we all know that very little good ever comes easy. Thanks for commenting! Tomorrow, I hope to have a semi-firm plan in my head. I would be happy to share it.

Another way to get some accountibility is to found a group geared towards whatever you're wanting to do.  For instance, I founded the 100 push ups group and now I'm the slacker...I simply cannot allow that to continue to be the case so this morning I started up again and reported my progress and reading about other people's struggles and progress also helps to motivate me.

nannygrabber-you are able to portray your feelings so well. I've always had trouble with that-must be my Welsh background. I've realized too that this "thing" with weight loss is emotional for me. I can go hungry for long periods if I'm in the right frame of mind....other times, you guessed it, I wouldn't stop eating until I'd eat the refridgerator itself if I could.  Would you be so kind as to give us a link or address for the "wagons" thread you spoke of?

smwhipple - I like your idea, and I will definitely consider it for future possibilities. In the Wagon Jumper group I learned that I have to slowly get into this lifestyle thing, and not JUMP, like i have so many times in the past. Simply because I always fall off. So at the moment, I am trying to temper what I commit to, because I would definitely not want to fall off yet another wagon. LOL! I would love to come by and visit your 100 pushups gang!

risabella - I will check her out, always looking for new input.

noni200 - This type of expression for me is like a good cathartic cry. It feels good, and once it starts flowing, its hard to stop! LOL! Here is the link to the thread, I hope it works. If you cant get the click to go, message me, and I will email it to you. You can also go into the forum and find it under the Motivation Category. http://caloriecount.about.com/wagon-jumpers-s eptember-th-group-closed-ft115244 , and actually the first response to this thread was by the author of Wagon Jumpers... supersized is her screen ID, her real name is Sara.

Thanks again to everyone who is responding. Hope your day is good!

~Nanny