What to do when you dont fit in.....

I work at a major retailer.  I am part of management.  I started out at the very bottom of the totem pole and worked up.  Every single day, I come home feeling like a complete & total idiot.  All day long, people question my ability.  They take the smallest thing, blow it up and spin it to make me look like a moron.  I get absolutely NO respect what so ever from anybody. 

I know part of my problem is that I dont speak up.  I'm not a pushy, loud, forcefull person, and apparently that's what it takes to be a part of the group.  I am never in the loop.  It seems like I'm the last to know anything.  Everyone at work hangs out & does things outside of work-not me.  I get to hear about it after the fact.  The only things I'm invited to are tupperware partys or something that involves buying what they're selling out of their living room.

Should I even try to fit in?  Should I just go to work, come home & cash the check & not worry about it?  I dont know.  All I know is, right this very moment, I feel like complete & total crap.

Perhaps some assertiveness training might help?  I have heard of seminars that help with people, especially those who manage others, who could use a bit of a boost in that area.  Your HR department might be able to steer you toward something like that.

BUMP

"Should I just go to work, come home & cash the check & not worry about it?  I dont know"

Yup. That's just what I do. Just do the job, take the money and have fun with it. I always avoid team building and corporate parties, don't care, I have my very own personal life, my favourite activities, my friends and family and I'm to young to start living for and at work. I just need the cash. That doesn't sound very good but it works wonders.

I find I can never fit into the clique. Thats really OK with me. But you can make your job a lot more pleasant if you are:

confident in your own abilities - this means speaking up with self assurance,

friendly with others (you dont have to go overboard - just say hi and smile)

If you dont agree with someone - dont fight about it. Just be assertive and calm! Oh yeah the calm part is really important. But know when the subject is not worth discussing.

Ignore the people that have nothing to do with your career advancement if they are unpleasant and schmooze (lightly) with those that matter.

If you are out of the loop dont wait for others to include you - include yourself. If you get wind of something, just ask about it. You might feel stupid at first but your desire to know will net information and show that you care about what is going on.

I could say more but the kiddo is hammering me with questions about fish - good luck!

Just want to add that all of the above will net respect.  It takes time but they seem to pick on you because your lack of confidence makes you an easy target.  People dont like to mess with people that are confident and self assured.

Work is a large portion of life for all but the most privileged and unprivileged of society. As such, you really do want it to be a positive experience.

By your own admission, you think your lack of assertiveness is making things less-than-awesome for you. It may well be a useful track to follow. I'd also suggest talking to HR, if you find a good person there who gives a crap about the overall morale of the office, s/he might be able to help you out.

Ultimately, if you feel alienated and stressed every day at work, you're going to inevitably develop a disdain for the environment. Work will never be a 'positive' experience and eventually the bitterness will show up in your work and affect other areas of your life. If you see that coming to be, seriously consider finding a position in another part of the company or with another company. You'll end up happier for it.

Fitting-in is overrated.  I have always reveled being different from most people.  I have worked in offices where there was a sorta matriarchal hierarchy.  If the main women didn't like me, I didn't last long.  That can be a problem when you have bills to pay. 

If you enjoy what you do then sink into that.  If its just a paycheck, do the work and take the money.  In that case, its just a job. 

I have always been a pretty talkative person, open.  Still, I've not had a lot of freinds.  I prefer it that way.  Its less complicated and dramatic. 

Also, if these people are rude enough to single you out, you probably wouldn't like them anyway.  Its not worth making freinds with people who are jerks.  People like to have a scapegoat, a target upon which to focus thier angst about life.  Sorry you're it at your job.  But there is always one wherever you go.  Silly humans. 

And a great way to bolster confidence is to take a marital-arts class. 

And one more thing.  Kinda silly really.  But I have found that smiling and beating people to the "hello," is a good way to disarm people.  A little cleavage helps too - both genders, regardless of sexual pref. 

Original Post by mspw:

Fitting-in is overrated.  I have always reveled being different from most people.  I have worked in offices where there was a sorta matriarchal hierarchy.  If the main women didn't like me, I didn't last long.  That can be a problem when you have bills to pay. 

If you enjoy what you do then sink into that.  If its just a paycheck, do the work and take the money.  In that case, its just a job. 

I have always been a pretty talkative person, open.  Still, I've not had a lot of freinds.  I prefer it that way.  Its less complicated and dramatic. 

Also, if these people are rude enough to single you out, you probably wouldn't like them anyway.  Its not worth making freinds with people who are jerks.  People like to have a scapegoat, a target upon which to focus thier angst about life.  Sorry you're it at your job.  But there is always one wherever you go.  Silly humans. 

And a great way to bolster confidence is to take a marital-arts class. 

 Funny you should mention that-I've always wanted to take martial arts.

"I have always been a pretty talkative person, open.  Still, I've not had a lot of freinds.  I prefer it that way.  Its less complicated and dramatic."

^This is the best policy.  Making close friends at work leads to conflicts and drama.  People get their feelings hurt.  People feel taken advantage of. 

You also said you are in management.  Who are the people who aren't including you? If it's your underlings, that is because you're the boss.  You're different.  You can't be their friend if you're their boss.  If it's your superiors, that's probably why.  People tend to socialize laterally on their own level.

If you want to stay in management and keep moving up the ladder, you're going to have to take an interest in your job.  Fitting in is important.  Some things you could do:

Talk to people, ask them about their kids, their cat, their hobbies.  Pick two, one on the upper rungs, one on the lower rungs of the ladder.  Remember what they said and ask them about it the next day, or next week, or next time you see them.  Tomorrow, pick two other people.  Remember them!

A friend of mine is in upper management at a big company and he always talks to the janitor.  He says you can learn so much about what's going on that you wouldn't normally hear, and if you're interested in everybody, you will increase loyalty toward yourself.

Take responsibility for yourself and your staff.  Look out for them and don't make excuses.  Upper management will be watching.  Remember, you have been moving up the ladder, so there is something about you that they like.

Forget the cleavage.  You're just asking for trouble with that one.

Original Post by huggitbear:

"I have always been a pretty talkative person, open.  Still, I've not had a lot of freinds.  I prefer it that way.  Its less complicated and dramatic."

^This is the best policy.  Making close friends at work leads to conflicts and drama.  People get their feelings hurt.  People feel taken advantage of. 

You also said you are in management.  Who are the people who aren't including you? If it's your underlings, that is because you're the boss.  You're different.  You can't be their friend if you're their boss.  If it's your superiors, that's probably why.  People tend to socialize laterally on their own level.

 I'm talking anybody-people higher than me, under me or at the same level as me.

Take the confidence classes. But use them to find yourself a new kick-ass job. You have management experience - you are a valuable asset.

If people truly don't respect you, and you are in management... that's just a toxic mix and not worth the stress you are going to have on a daily basis.

But I urge you to be strong and question whether that is actually the case.  I've had close friends "turn on me" when I became their manager; testing limits, questioning my judgement or authority.  I think it's natural at first.  My style has been to make sure they understand I value their opinion -- but when a decision is made, we all need to be on board.

Sometimes it feels like everyone is against you, but it's more of an adjustment period for everyone.

If you continue to get the same attitude, after being firm and communicating ground rules; then I'd start looking for a new job.  Sometimes the culture is just too toxic to be worth fighting against.

Original Post by rosieblue:

If you want to stay in management and keep moving up the ladder, you're going to have to take an interest in your job.  Fitting in is important.  Some things you could do:

Talk to people, ask them about their kids, their cat, their hobbies.  Pick two, one on the upper rungs, one on the lower rungs of the ladder.  Remember what they said and ask them about it the next day, or next week, or next time you see them.  Tomorrow, pick two other people.  Remember them!

A friend of mine is in upper management at a big company and he always talks to the janitor.  He says you can learn so much about what's going on that you wouldn't normally hear, and if you're interested in everybody, you will increase loyalty toward yourself.

Take responsibility for yourself and your staff.  Look out for them and don't make excuses.  Upper management will be watching.  Remember, you have been moving up the ladder, so there is something about you that they like.

Forget the cleavage.  You're just asking for trouble with that one.

 

 I totally agree with this post.  If you don't take an interest in others, you can't expect them to be interested in you.  And as management, you need to take the first step.  You don't have to be a suck up, just show an interest in others, above you and below you. 

Just be yourself, you shouldn't have to change for anyone. If anything just try to speak up more.

Sometimes it's best to not be into the clique that way you aren't brought into all of the drama and crap that goes along with people's gossip. Heh.

Just be friendly, assertive and be you. You're there to work to get a pay check, I would mostly focus on that. If there is some people at work you feel you can relate to, then try starting conversations with them. You don't have to hang with everyone.

I guess work is a lot like high school, huh? :P

Original Post by silentdeadlyrose:

Just be yourself, you shouldn't have to change for anyone. If anything just try to speak up more.

Sometimes it's best to not be into the clique that way you aren't brought into all of the drama and crap that goes along with people's gossip. Heh.

Just be friendly, assertive and be you. You're there to work to get a pay check, I would mostly focus on that. If there is some people at work you feel you can relate to, then try starting conversations with them. You don't have to hang with everyone.

I guess work is a lot like high school, huh? :P

 This sums it up-it is JUST like high school.  I didnt fit in there either.  I find that most of the folks that are at the top or at least closer to it than me got there by kissing butt.  It is not in my nature to do this and I wont.  Starting conversations isnt a problem for me.  I'm sure if you asked my coworkers, they would tell you that I am super friendly. 

 The more I read the other posts, the more I start to realize what my real problem is-I work with a bunch of bitches.  If they arent in their teens, they are stuck up and talk down to everyone not at their level.  I have zero patience for people who do that.

I guess what I need to do is either find another job or make friends with the only truly nice people in he building-the elderly folks & the janitor.

Have you really considered whether you are truly happy with this job? I know that you may consider the job "just a job and I need the money", but you've also invested some valuable time there. I also know exactly how you feel when you say you feel left out. It would make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Excellent advice above, (but stay away from the cleavage suggestion!). I am wondering how old you are because there are people out there who become annoyed when given instructions from a boss who is much younger than themselves.

For me personally, a challenging job which allows me to work independently is the most suitable job for me. I have been a litigation/real estate paralegal for over 20 years, and I am very good at what I do.

Perhaps a little training in another or similar field with commensurate pay might be an option. It sounds like you have earned some experience at your current job. I'd run with it and apply that experience/knowledge to a fresh new job or perhaps a career which will satisfy you in the long run.

I truly wish you the best of luck!

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Original Post by mypuppymylife:

Have you really considered whether you are truly happy with this job? I know that you may consider the job "just a job and I need the money", but you've also invested some valuable time there. I also know exactly how you feel when you say you feel left out. It would make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Excellent advice above, (but stay away from the cleavage suggestion!). I am wondering how old you are because there are people out there who become annoyed when given instructions from a boss who is much younger than themselves.

For me personally, a challenging job which allows me to work independently is the most suitable job for me. I have been a litigation/real estate paralegal for over 20 years, and I am very good at what I do.

Perhaps a little training in another or similar field with commensurate pay might be an option. It sounds like you have earned some experience at your current job. I'd run with it and apply that experience/knowledge to a fresh new job or perhaps a career which will satisfy you in the long run.

I truly wish you the best of luck!

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 Age is another part of this issue.  I look 19, but I turn 30 in two weeks.