I Just Don't Get It.....HUSBAND

My husband has had a back problem for the past 20 years, had surgery 6.5 yrs ago...he is 37 yrs. old. He has high cholesterol & blood pressure and is on medication for both. His Drs. have been telling him to lose weigh and exercise. If you get the extra lbs off, especially the big tummy he will feel relief in your back, streghten your core, they tell him. He often says it sucks getting old...YOU"RE 37, NOT 67...AGHHHHHHHH, I reply!

I put on lots of lbs after having 3 kids, emotional, stressful eater. Although I need to lose weigh, which I am doing, I have always been active. We started eating right together for ourselves and for our children about a month ago, he did great for the first week.  He went to the dr, and his dr was very pleased with the weight loss...keep up the good work. Well the 1/2 gallons of ice cream, Doritios, cookies, soda have all returned to the house, I refuse to buy any of it, ( I want to through it all out, but don't want to cause conflict). I just can't figure him out, he is well aware of what he should be doing and we discussed better eating for the entire house. I don't want to control him, I want to help him help himself.

Any suggestions for motivating him???

I keep telling him he is losing out on the best years of our children's lives because his back is always an issue or he doesn't feel like doing things. If

I feel much more motivated to lose weight ( because he has dropped the ball, I find that an odd response) and do many more things with my children, that I haven't done because I've been embarrased by my weight.

 Sometimes, I feel like I need to be the mother and the father.

 

First, don't nag! That is a must. It will only make him not want to listen to anythign you have to say about the topic. Second, try to find sneaky ways into getting him to exercise with you. Try things like going to the mall and walking for a while, or go to an actual christmas tree farm to find "the perfect" tree for this year. Little things like that. Another thing you can do is put information in his way (discretely, not in a "Hey look at this" way) that informs him of the benefits of loosing weight and easy ways to take of a few lbs or of the downside of being overweight. I know my Uncle has very bad back problems, high blood pressure and high colestorol. He is almost 100lbs over weight and he carries it all on his stomach. He didn't get a wake up call until recently when he read that being obese, especially around the stomach, greatly increases the occurance of Alzhiemers (I know i didn't spell that right). My grandfather (his dad) died last year after dealing with the disease for over 10 years.

Hope this helps.

My b/f is the same way, one week of eating healthy and then I come home to find BBQ chips and a quart of ice cream in the freezer.  It's very frustrating but I've come to realize that I can't control him and I just have to do what's best for me.  If/when he's ready to eat healthy again, I'll support him 100%.  I know this isn't helpful, just know you're not alone in this battle!  Good luck and I hope he sees the light soon!

I think men fear failing therefore best not to try in the first place. Also they think that they will have to cut out all the food they enjoy and just eat lettuce. Why dont you motivate him by cooking good healthy food but that is still hearty and appealing. A home cooked dinner is far preferable to pizza and he'll soon see that eating healthily doesnt have to mean a rabit food diet. Still let him have treats but make them smaller and just one a day. Once the scales start dropping it will motivate him. Guys seem to lose weight easily so you should need to be to strict to start seeing little results.

My partner has been unconditionally wonderful and supportive of me on my journey but never wanted to lose weight himself... until my results became significant. :)

Now, he has spontaneously started reading food labels at the grocery store, and sometimes asks me how many calories are in something. He isn't counting and hasn't started losing weight in a huge way, but he is down 6 lbs or so (he's about 80-90 lbs over his healthy weight). Yesterday he made brown rice and veggies for me (he is not a fan of brown rice) and wound up eating it himself (I'd already had dinner - one of the risks of "surprise" cooking for someone! though I tasted it and praised him, fear not).

I try to be supportive and reassure him that I love and desire him at any weight. You need a really solid self-esteem to do this and have it work, because insecurity makes you get discouraged and soothe yourself with food. He's not at the point yet where his switch has flipped, like mine did last May, but with enough love and time and modeling he will get there. Neither of us used to be that big (we gained together) so I am confident that we will eventually wind up "matching" again. :)

My best advice is don't nag, don't even address his weight, be all sweetness and light, and lose weight like a mofo yourself. That'll be all the motivation he needs - not only will he see that a) it's possible and b) it's simple (not easy, but simple)  but also he'll want to be a better "match" for you, for obvious reasons!!!

The only caveat here is all the crap food in the house. Ask him to limit that - not for his weight, but for yours!! Ask him to at least buy junk food you don't like, or only one kind at a time (my BF has haagen-dazs in the house, but not chips or cookies etc...).  And make sure it is kept out of sight, off your countertop (put it in the cupboard, back of fridge or freezer, etc). Promise to be supportive of his NOT losing weight, i.e. you will stop nagging entirely, as long as he is supportive of your losing weight by not sabotaging your efforts.

Dear c-weed

People can only make the change when they truly are ready to. It has to be his decision - not yours, or the doctor's or anyone else's. I know just how frustrating this can be because I was the person that was kept on being told to lose weight and did not do anything until I decided that I was eating myself into in a very very unhealthy life (high blood pressure, high cholestrol and then diabetes). It really is a shame that it took me so long to come to the realization but it was only when I did so was I really ready to eat very healthy foods and do regular exercise.

Tell your husband you love him. Model for him the good behavior (eating well, exercise) without any lectures. Do what is good for you - don't let anyone else dictate that - and it will be his decision how he will lead his life. Only he can control and decide this. We only have the possibility of changing ourselves, not others. But if the other feels our love and caring, and receives our support, then there is hope...

my best

Wow, it's like we have the same hubby!  Mine is also 37, and has a condition with his spine called "degenerative disc disorder", in which the liquid filled discs between the vertebrae start drying out. 

My hubby is also overweight, most obviously seen around his midsection, and doctors have been telling him for years that the best way to help his back, even with the disorder, is to lose some weight.  To date, he has not found the motivation to do so, and continues to snack on ice cream, eat fast food, and eat more than a normal portion of what would normally be a healthy entree.  Don't get me wrong - he fully supports my change to healthier eating.  He usually does all the shopping, so he buys me the lean stuff, the oatmeal, and the veggies.  It's just that he buys himself all the other "stuff" too.  He does eat the veggies with me for dinner, and I'd even say that most of his eating is not incredibly over the top a lot of the time.  His big downfall is the lack of exercise, and the limitations he feels are there because of his back.

So, the best advice I can give is what rae said:  don't nag.  When I decided to make a change to get healthy, it wasn't because I was pressured into doing it - it has to be a conscious choice, and I know there's no way I could have stuck with it if I felt I was forced into it.

But above all:  let him know you love accept him regardless of his health, but still be a good example.  I've already got mine eating more veggies because of my changes, so I'm looking at it as one small change at a time.  Next I'm going to try to encourage him to spend some time on the treadmill, and I'm even considering getting him a new TV to put in front of it as a possible incentive (he really likes his electronic toys...)  I'm going for a combination of small changes that will show him that it's not as hard as he thinks. 

Good luck to us both!

I'm trying my best not to nag him, and I've found myself just giving him a look, which I know I shouldn't do either. I hope he does wake up soon, I don't like doing all the things we use to do together by myself. I want him to be healthy and happy.

I cook practically every-night, chicken, fish, steak,rice, potato, pasta,veggies, etc. If he isn't in the mood for what I cook or really doesn't enjoy what's on the menu he will go to the store and buy something for himself.

Original Post by c-weed:

If he isn't in the mood for what I cook or really doesn't enjoy what's on the menu he will go to the store and buy something for himself.

Now, that's something you can have a frank conversation with him about, and it would have nothing to do with his weight.  How economically feasible is it to shell out money and time for two separate meals?  Other than that, there's just the general principle that you're not actually sharing a meal together.

Perhaps he could have more input into what's on menu so you don't have to have separate meals.  I don't know what your schedule's like, but eating dinner together is the first time of the day where we have an opportunity to talk.  I know from experience that if that reduced significantly, or went away, our relationship would suffer.

Original Post by c-weed: My husband has had a back problem for the past 20 years, had surgery 6.5 yrs ago...he is 37 yrs. old. He often says it sucks getting old...YOU"RE 37, NOT 67...AGHHHHHHHH, I reply!

Show him this:

I read this yesterday in Forbes Magazine. The article itself has nothing to do with health and fitness, but a paragraph about the subject of the story got my attention.

“Clad in a tight white t-shirt and spandex shorts and weighing all of 153 pounds at 5 feet 8 inches tall, he sits at a leg-lifting machine with his knees at his chest. He pushes 375 pounds out and back ten times in a row, rests three seconds and does it again. “He has the muscle mass of someone under age 40”, says his trainer, Fredrick Hahn who owns the gym.”

“He” is Hank Greenberg, CEO of C.V. Starr and Company. Mr. Greenberg is 82 years old.

To be fair to your husband, I'm in better shape at 55 than I was when I was 37. At about that age, I had a temporary back problem too. I found out it was caused by muscle weakness and working out cured it. I think I'm more motivated now because I know I can't control my age so I control what I can.

Edit: One other thing. Is your husband otherwise okay? I know I used to be in a stressful job that I just hated and would eat and drink to excess because of it. The job is gone and my health is better.  

 

Thank goodness your man is controlling his blood pressure, but he still has a responsibility to you and your kids not to die of a heart attack. I would remind him of it until you are arguing about it every day...

If I had a chance to do it over, I would have fought with my husband endlessly if it had meant keeping him alive.

Eeks! That's a tough one. No matter how much he SHOULD do it, he's not going to until he's ready. It's hard to do but try reversing the situation in your mind -- your hubby & doctor on you to loose weight. In that situation most of us just dig in our heels and don't cooperate. My ex was a pain to me so I don't ever want to do that to someone. My husband has the same problems - back/weight. I'll tell you how I handle it but I don't have any majic answers for you. I don't think we can do much about someone else.

I only stopped buying his trigger foods when he asked me to. I think as an adult he needs to make his own decisions about things like that. Fortunately I fell in love with him at a high weight so I just find him sexy as heck no matter what. I do worry about his health!

We've been married for a year and a half and he's lost over 10 pounds just by loosing some of the late night munching alone time.  (I gained about 10 pounds and that's why I started CC.)  I make meals with my own diet in mind and then portions are up to him. I do try and offer something reasonable for night time snacks before he picks something on his own. It's hard when you want something so much for someone you love but you really have very little power. Try not to resent what he does -- he'll pick up on it and you'll just have another problem. I really think the best we can do is take care of ourselves, keep our mouths shut about it but help when asked.

I will call him in the morning after the kids get on the bus, while he is driving to work, and ask him what he would like for dinner, 99% of the time his reply is I can't think about dinner right now, I'm not even hungry. Or i'll ask the night before, same answer. Sometimes as a family we will make a menu for the week to come, makes shopping so much easier, the kids usually come up with some good ones, his answer is usually tacos or I can't think that far. I am on the verge of not caring any more about what he wants to eat, that's his choice and he is making things for me and the kids a bit too difficult. I will continue to make foods that we all like and if he eats, he eats. I really enjoy having dinner with my kids and husband and now that the kids are gettting older it will start to get tougher and tougher to keep them in for dinner. He is setting the perfect example, that it's ok to skip family dinner time.

Original Post by c-weed:

 He is setting the perfect example, that it's ok to skip family dinner time.

Well, it seems to me that there's a bigger issue than just what he eats.  If it's important to you as a couple to have that meal time as a family, you need to discuss it with him.  Lay down some ground rules that you can both abide by so that this can be addressed as a priority.  However, if it is not a priority, or a even a concern, to your husband that the family has challenges eating together, then you need to have a different conversation with him.  Until you're on the same page with him on this, it will just be a source of conflict and stress.

I kind of get that bigger issue feeling sometimes but hopefully I'm wrong and he's just being a spoiled brat!!!! Thank you for all of your replies, great thoughts and suggestions are always an excellent source of empowerment, thanks.

Would it help if you and your husband took turns cooking? One week, I cook and my husband does the dishes and the next week vice versa. This way, if he put the time and effort to make something, he might want people to stick around and eat it.

 As for the snack thing, it might help to count out portions before hand. For example, take a bag of Doritos and portion them out in gladware or something. I found this very helpful because I could still enjoy a treat without accidentally eating the whole bag in one sitting.

Good luck. 

I was (note the key is was) married to a man with back problems also.  He went thru several surgeries and I was very supportive.  It came to a point that our life together became very inactive, in all arenas) because his back was ALWAYS an excuse.  I found that it was much easier for him to lay around (because he has good reason) than help himself thru physical therapy or exercise.  I finally had to leave(per my doctor) to save my own sanity.  It's impossible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  To this day he has taken a disability retirement and doing pain management (still not exercising).

This past Jan I had back surgery (I thought it might be pay back time).  I had rods/screws put in my back (spinal fusion) and I feel great.  I understand that core strengthing and exercise are the key.  I do understand back pain and the limitations but it's hard for me to understand not wanting to help oneself.

So, bottom line, I doubt that his problem is "healthy eating".  Back pain has become a convenient fall back that no one can deny.

Please, for your health and your children's health, be a healthy example.  You need to for your own sanity even if it means creating your own life with your own friends.  Please don't let his bad back drag you down.  By doing this, you can be a good role model for both him and your children.

I have to agree with jstewartdesigns.  I don't think it's just a problem of healthy eating or not.  I don't know many people for whom the problem is that and only that anyway.  There are many people who eat and refuse to exercise or engage in any number of other activities to their own detriment for psychological (mental and emotional) reasons.  Not all but some people who refuse to help themselves may benefit from therapy, particularly if depression is a problem ... even "borderline" depression can be a big, and often missed, factor in being unwilling to help yourself.

That said, you simply can't force a change in him.  But you can take responsibility for your own health and life and set a good example for your children.  I suggest you let your husband know the concerns you've shared here, particularly how his decisions are affecting you and your relationship but without any guilt tripping or negativity.  Just present the facts so that later there will be no grounds for the well-you-didn't-tell-me-how-you-felt response.  And then continue to live your life even if that means without him actively participating.  As unhealthy as it would be for you to try to push him along, it's equally unhealthy for you to have to put your life and dreams and goals on hold.  Your children also shouldn't have to miss out on things they want to do because their father chooses to not take care of himself.  He's choosing his pain and his comforts over the family (that's only my unexpert opinion and I'm not trying to be hurtful).  You can't allow yourselves to be dragged down with him.  If you can't do things as a family then you can at least do things as a mother with children.  I think you said it clearly yourself when you wrote that you feel as though you have to be both mother and father.  That's because you probably really are living it.  I don't think there's an easy solution here and I can see how frustrating and demanding this problem can become for your whole family.  I really hope things work out for you all.  Please feel confident in asking for help from anyone if you need it, whether online or in your personal life.

What helps motivate my hubby is having good magazines around the house (and in the bathroom).  His favorite is Runner's World, but there's a ton of men's health magazines (if there's pretty girls, you know the guys'll read 'em  ;)  ).  After we get an issue he's much more motivated to work out and eat healthy.  When we don't have it, he's back to eating junk and getting lazy.

Sounds silly, I know.  But motivational bathroom reading. LOL.

:)

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, it is great to talk with people outside the family about this.

Over the summer, we did have a very serious talk,after a few not so serious talks, and i told him much of what Bombshell suggested. I said that he is missing out on so much and that I'm tired of watching him waste his life away and that I will be doing what me & the kids want to do. I informed him that I was over holding myself back and the kids because he has chosen not to do anything to better himself. He definitely has depression issues and he brought it up to his dr. years ago, tried so meds that he had a reaction to & that was the end of that. I have suggested that he goes to therapy to work out his issues. I also informed him that I am 100% behind him when he choices to help himself.

I am trying so hard not to let him drag me and the kids down anymore and hopefully he will wakeup. I hope that the love of my life will realise what he has.

I am in pretty much the same boat as your husband (43, back surgery in 2000, over weight, cholesterol through the roof). In the spring I was about 205 (5'10"), Dr said I was in danger of going diabetic if I didn't drop some weight.  Without trying too hard I got down to 195 over the next few months.  Then I bought the book "Younger next year", For most of my adult life I had been semi-athletic. This book was a light bulb coming on. I've dropped another 11 pounds since Halloween, my back almost never hurts (does when I don't exercise). I'm averaging 1500-1800 calories per day, gym in the morning and walking the dog at night.

Bottom line, he has to choose to become active/eat right. But the book for xmas, it is a great read and makes you think.  Good luck.