I don't know who I am anymore

I am really lost at life and myself lately.  I knew I was overweight but I try. Here's my story and I need help.... I have been married for almost 14 years.  I learned a couple of weeks ago that my husband and my cousin had been messing around.  Ouch! I am so hurt by this in every aspect.  The thoughts running through my head are me and everything possible that I did wrong.  Number one being my weight, if I didn't look like a cow, maybe it wouldn't have happened.  The first several of days I couldn't eat.  Finally I made myself eat a little but ended up vomitting.  Now I find myself eating once a day and then making myself vomit.  I have not had any food in my stomach (that stays anyway) for 17 days.  I cant stand the food in my stomach and how it makes me feel.  I feel so ugly, fat and pathetic.  I am depressed, sad and angry at the same time.  This is not fair to my children or myself but I do not know what to do. I just want to cry.  I need to loose weight fast to make myself feel better as a person.  I am considered severly overweight on this site and that does not help matters, everywhere I turn I just feel worse about myself.  I need to loose 80 pounds. 

Oh, im so sorry to hear all of this!

You need to have more respect for yourself though. A man should always treat a woman like gold - and this clearly isn't whats happening in your life right now.

I need to point out a major red flag - this is where eatng diorders start. Yes, you are overweight but i can see the beginnings of bulimia at work. I am so very concerned for you and your mental health - please i urge you to seek out the help of your doctor and/or psychologist!!!

Best of luck, mommy of 2. Be strong for your children.

You poor thing.  But place the problem where it really and truly lies.  That is... not with you but with your husband.   Listen to me.... Did being a mega-thin super-babe stop Jennifer Aniston losing Brad Pitt?  Or prevent David Beckham playing away from home?  Exactly.

Yes, you're depressed, sad and angry - absolutely you are.  But you don't need to lose weight to make you the better person in this scenario... just as you are, you are 100% on the moral high-ground and holding.

Let me tell you... at the time in my life when I was at my slimmest and most gorgeous, my arsehole of a husband left me for someone a foot shorter and forty pounds heavier.  It is all about the dangly thing between their legs and not about the chunky stuff around your butt....

Cry... cry a lot!!!  Enjoy crying. Scream. Shout.  Do not throw up because you're better than that and, besides, it's dangerous.  And then do something positive like cutting up his shirts or running your keys down her car doors.  What you do next is talk to your friends & family,  get him to pack his bags and then regroup.  It's not easy & you're probably sitting there hoping that if you lost some weight it would all turn out OK ... but, trust me, it won't be OK.  Once you square up to that you will feel so much better when he's out of your life. 

Good luck

Everything you are feeling is totally valid.  It's normal to react to betrayal with depression, anger, revulsion etc.  And loss of appetite is a normal symptom of depression.   But you are not to blame for this - and nothing you could ever have done could have prevented this.  It's not up to you to exercise moral judgment and self control for others - it's outside of your control.

I used to think that relationship with the man I loved would have worked if only I was slimmer, it tore me apart - and it's total nonsense.  It does me a disservice by placing the blame on myself instead of where it really lies - the person who did the betraying, who was unworthy of my love and who behaved with total disregard for my feelings hopes and dreams.  So part of your recovery, (and revenge) is to squarely direct the anger and blame back where it belongs.  This is not your fault.  Being sick and not eating is punishing yourself, and it's not you who has done wrong.

So surround yourself with friends and family who love you, get support from wherever you can, be good to yourself, because you are worth it.  When you feel a bit better about things (and I promise you will in time), you can build a better and healthier life for yourself and your children.....

Take good care,

Ax

I agree with everything gi-jane said. Please don't blame or punish yourself.

(((((hugs)))))

Ahh, am sorry you are having such a tuff time. Loosing weight will be great, but, just think that you are much better than all the pain he has given you. You go girl! Good luck with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened but why punish yourself when you are not in the wrong? You've been hurt enough by other people, you need to look after yourself. Men who cheat don't do it because their wives aren't good enough in some way, they do it because they are spineless and weak.

If you want to lose weight do it for yourself and your children. Don't do it for some piece of **** who's hurt you. He doesn't deserve it. You do.

Cry as much as you want. Scream, shout, throw things, whatever. You have every right to be angry AT THEM.

But above all, reach out to people, your friends and family who can help you through this. Good luck xxx

its not your fault your husband strayed, it wouldnt matter if you were supermodel thin, your husband strayed because he's selfish, he's doesnt value your relationship and your family together. Everyone tends to blame themselves when something bad in their lives go wrong, so while your blaming him straying on your weight gain, your children may also think its there fault daddy left cause they didnt play nicely (i dont know if he is still in the picture or not, just speculating). The point im trying to make is...yes scream, scream loud, and cry...get it out, get the anger out and use this time to discover a new direction. Dont make yourself sick, you need your energy, this is the time when your family needs to strong. You have got it in your head that food is the reason you couldnt keep your husband faithful, food is not the enermy. Food did not make your husband cheat with your cousin, food doesnt cause relationships to break down. Food is there cause you need it to survive. You need to be strong for yourself as well as your children. You need to be able to think clearly and focus on the future. Please go seek professional help for this, i have seen first hand the effects an eating disorder can have on a person and the people surrounding them.

I understand completely what you are going through because it happened to me too.  But it was with a couple of women I didnt know.  This is what I learned:

1.  Its not your weight gain.  Your husband and your cousin are to blame for their actions.  You get to decide how you are going to handle it.

2.  When you lose weight, do it for you.  You always have you, no matter what anyone else does or says.  You love yourself.  Be good to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

3.  I realized that I was holding my husband on high pedastal.  Even though we made a vow, bottom line is we are all still human and subject to human failures.  You have to decide if the 14 years you had together is worth continuing on with the marriage.  Only you and your husband can decide that.  I highly suggest going to counseling.  If he wont go (as my husband didnt go), then you go by yourself, for yourself.  There is a good book that my counselor gave me to read: "After the Affair".  You can get it on Amazon.  Get that book and read it.  It will help your healing process.

4.  As one of the other members said....scream...scream....cry, and scream and cry some more.  Get it out.  BUT....not in front of the kids.

5.  Learn to take care of YOU!  As wives and mothers, we often put everyone else before ourselves.  Leaving us weak and often void of self love.

You must tell yourself that you ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER, Life is not over!

Its a long haul...but baby believe me, you can get through this!  Exercising will help your mind, and your body cope with this crisis.

I want you to feel free to email me at nleonwill@yahoo.com if you want to talk about it.  You don't need to tell everyone about this, but you do need to talk to someone you trust (if you don't go to a counselor). 

God Loves you!  And he is with you to help you though this.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Our experience and hurt binds us together in love.

Leontyne

Thank you everyone for your posts.  I know in the back of my mind that I didn't do anything wrong but at this point I can't believe it.  Everyone has said to talk to famliy and friends, I don't feel I can do this.  I have never felt that I have a special relationship with a "friend". Sure I know people and consider them friends but not one to share things with.  This has bothered me for some time, I think I am too busy to develop one and it seems they are too.  My husband was my BF, I shared everything with him.  And family, well you can tell right now I don't feel close to them.  I have bottled eveything up lately because I truely feel I have nobody but my wonderful children.  I think the reason I feel I did wrong, it's the way I look and I must of been a bad wife is because this isn't the first time.  My husband had an affair with my best friend 9 years ago.  I think that is the friend thing coming in, I can't trust.  We worked on it, went to counseling, and he showed me he wanted to make our marriage work.  It was hard but I was able to move on.  So now again, I am hurt.  How many times has he done this in 9 years and not been caught, can he be faithful, how can he say he loves me.... He wants to work on our marriage, again, but will it happen again the next time he is tempted? How much can I take? I feel so belittled, unworthy of love and friendship, and feel like a nobody.  I don't feel I can talk to my mom.  She was there for me the first time.  I'm not sure if I can't talk to her because she would think bad of him or if it is because of how she would feel of me. Me stupid enough to let it happen again, letting him walk all over me again.  I still can't eat but I feel so weak that I can't even exercise.  I don't want to do anything or even care about anything. I love him. It sounds so dumb at this point but I hate him at the same time.  I honestly do not know what to do. 

It is a very confusing time for you right now.  All the strong and sometimes conflicting emotions.  All of this on top of all the things you still have to do as a mother and employee if you are working.  It is a lot to deal with.

You are somebody....you are somebody with a purpose, with feelings, with thoughts, and ideas. 

This is a tough situation to deal with and you shouldnt do it alone.  I personally dont advise talking to friends and family.  They love you but they will never see your husband the same....they will have bad feelings towards him even if you have forgiven him and moved forward.  I strongly advise seeking out a counselor either at church or in the secular arena.

You cant judge yourself by the actions of someone else.  You could have been the perfect wife, always glamerous, well dressed, all of that...but that will not stop someone from acting on a temptation.

Stop beating yourself up.  You should use this as a learning experience on how you look at yourself. 

You should also go see your doctor.  Your doctor may be able to prescribe a short term anti-depressant for you.  I found that I needed that for a short time just to get through the days and just to be able to pull myself out of the bed in the mornings.  Girl, no joke...it is a tough time.  But you have what it takes to survive.  You have to dig deep within yourself, for your sake, and for your children, and find those things that will keep you going. 

Dont shut yourself off from people.  You should draw near to the friends and family you do have.  Maybe go to lunch with one of them....Do something to get yourself out of the house.  Dress yourself up and put on your make up and go out and enjoy yourself. 

Its hard to think of it right now, but everything will be alright.  You will get through this.  I did.  And countless others have too.  You WILL get through this.

NleonWill

I think I understand the difficulty of going back to people who supported you through round one 9 years ago. My situation with my first husband was very different (he was an alcoholic) but there are similarities in that I remember feeling that family and friends get tired of supporting you when you "keep going back". I too was trying to protect him from having my family think badly of him.

However, I expect your mom will absolutely support you this time as much if not more than last time, as my family supported me. Frankly, your husband is an adult as was my ex-husband. While I understand that my ex had a monstrous addiction (and perhaps yours does as well), it was his addiction and not mine.  And, in fact, that was my wake-up call -- it suddenly dawned on me that he was going down his path and either went down with him or I saved myself. No other option.

Fifteen years after I left him and made a new life with a wonderful man, I found out my ex had re-married, had two children, had tried rehab several times and it had failed. His new wife left with the kids and two years after that he killed himself. He wrote her a cruel suicide note telling her it was all her fault. This is tragic and horribly true. While nine of ten women will stay with alcoholic husbands, only one in ten husbands stay with alcoholic wives. This is not because men are jerks, but probably more because men are trained to have a better sense of boundaries in their lives.

I loved my ex-husband dearly. Learning of his suicide was very painful. I cried for him, his estranged wife and his children. But I would be lying if I didn't also think that if it had not been for my ah-ha! moment that forced me to recognize that his path would not change, that suicide note would have been addressed to me. I do hope that some day we will get a much better medical understanding in figuring out how to help those with serious addiction, but it is clear that I would've lost the battle to fight for him on his behalf.

It is your husband's issue alone now. You have yourself (and in your case your kids too) to save. My life, once I dragged myself through the initial 6 months of hell when I left my ex (I had absolutely no appetite and just cried and slept for weeks), has turned out as it should. I am adored whatever my size. While I know how to nurture and support, I now also know how to ensure that all that nurturing and support is self-directed first so I can help those I love.

I fervently wish this for you as you deserve it. And, by putting yourself at the centre of your world, your children will flourish too. I can see from all the responses so far that everyone here is in passionately and completely in agreement: You are important and you matter.

Hi Mom!  I know it's SO much easier said than done, but take that finger of blame away from you and point it at him!  If it wasn't your weight (which there is nothing wrong with in the 1st place), you would be picking at other things you could have done differently.  Now is a time to focus on yourself, especailly your physical health.  If you aren't taking care of the technicalities, than it will be so much harder to heal emotionally.