I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm 21, 5'8" and 138 lbs. Healthy, right?

No, digustingly fat and worthless.

I just want to recover, I really do. I've been eating lately, which is an improvement, but I've still only been consuming ~300 cals/day. Fine, its a start. And then I go and blow it tonight with a major binge/purge/lax session.

I'm posting my frustration here instead of my usual pro-ana site because I don't want to cloud my head with negative thoughts. But I just don't get it. I have no support whatsoever. My best friend lives an ocean away and has been less than supportive. My friends have barely noticed that I have to hold on to my pants when I walk. And my dad hasn't said a thing.

Perhaps I should mention that I've lost 40 lbs. since New Years.

But I just can't stop. I can't do it myself. I live in an unsafe and violent environment. I have no health insurance. And I'm nearly broke.

Ensha'allah, I'll be on here in a month with the same posting, but 20 lbs. lighter. 

The heck with this.

You made the right choice by posting here instead of a pro-ana site.  however, I think you need true, in-person help from either a doctor, counselor, or anything of that sort. 

Check around online for any sort of free clinics or meetings or anything similar to that in your area that you could go to.

Please find help, you'll start to feel better about yourself once you can find help and start eating healthily again :)

OmG Politica,

you need to get a hang of yourself, it seems like ur asking for attention.

you need to seek counselling. 138 sounds like a healthy weight for your height.

I have a friend who had lost 50 lbs this way but now shes becoming healthier.

It's hard at first but it gets easier.

if u need someone to talk to i am always here!

I do not know where you live, but is there a shelter in your area.  We have Hiatus House, which is a shelter for abused women.  They will even pay your cab fare to get there.  They will help you find a new place to live, welfare and they have counciling, both one on one and group.
Please look in your yellow pages under social programs or call the operator and ask.  Please get out of your violent situation and be safe.

Hey- you have some serious stuff going on don't ya'?  I'm 49, 5'3" 173 pounds and unable to work.  I'm seeking my disability so right now I'm broke. I am bi-polar and have been on meds. most of my adult life.  I've been in three mental health hospitals in fifteen years.  I inherited all this from my father who suffered from the same illness but died at age 53 from a major heart attack.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are in a bad place right now and I understand completely.  I don't have a eating disorder, but I am disgusted with myself because my weight has gotten out of control and I can't stand to look at myself.  I also know that binging and purging is not going to help me or you at all.  I also know that I can lose weight by eating healthy and getting off my big butt and getting some exercise.  There are no quick fixes.  I think you need to worry about what is making you feel the way you do now and get some help.  I can think of positive things for each of the negatives you mentioned in your e-mail.  I'm sure you can too.  Get some help, please.

politica, i wish i could help you, i really, really do. but it's gotta come from you, you've got to make an effort to eat more and get better no matter what. i'm sure you know 300 cals a day is really low, but start by not purging. i know it's easier said than done, but you've somehow gotta do it. where do you live? are ther any local groups you can go to for support?

I agree with the others, look for some free program in your area, there are lots of them.

Do you have any family member at all who will help out?  Even someone you don't know very well? 

Do you belong to a church?  If so, go to your Minister to ask for advice. 

just walk into the Salvation Army and ask what help they can give you, or call.

you are not worthless.  You have value as a human being totally independent of how much you weight or what problems you have.

Here's the treatment facility that was featured in the documentary, Thin:

http://www.renfrew.org

You should watch the documentary, if you can.  Here's a promo on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-N2Cv52gB8

Enjoy!
Louise :)

hey i don't like your final words - and its not the swearing i'm concerned about - it sounds like something someone might say who is looking to hurt themselves after the given content of your message - please get some professional help - ur dealing with an unsafe situation - that's ur first priority - ur worth it - we all are

Calorie-count does not condone behavior that is unhealthy and dangerous.  For treatment of a serious eating disorder such as yours, you need to seek professional help. 

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You need to stop beating yourself up (or allowing someone else to do it if that might be the case) and get out of the situation you are in.  If you live in a violent and unsafe environment, you need to just get out of there.  You are probably not eating right because you are stressed out and scared.

I grew in a violent household and I would never allow myself to get back into that same environment.  My sister finally told my father about all of the abuse when I was 11 and he got us out of there as fast as possible.  Talk to the police, call a shelter, find some family members, do whatever you can to protect yourself.