I Don't Know What To Do!!!!!!!!!! :'[

I'm leaving for an eating Disorder residential called Mirasol (in Tucson AZ) bright and early tomorrow morning. I will be staying there for 2-4 months. I am driving there from NJ (4 full days of driving), because I basically can't handle seeing people who would be on a plane(I haven't left the house in 4 months due to my intense depression and fear of seeing people/being seen by people)

I am going to be living with 9 other girls, all of whom have EDs. In the past (I've been IP 5 times), being with other people who have EDs has been incredibly triggering for me. 2 of the girls there have BMIs in the 15.6-17.5 range. As I stay ther longer, there will probably be more girls coming in who are within that weight range. I'm so body-sensitive right now that I can't even look at my 11 year old sister, because she is thin and it makes me freak out.

I have no idea what to do. I have panic attacks if I'm in the car and I drive past people and see them out the window. I only sleep 1.5 hours a night because A. I keep myself up because I cry too much and B. I avoid sleeping because I have really terrible nightmares about all of the treatment centers I've been too, all of which were extremely traumatizing.

I don't know what to do!! I'm turning 15 in a few days (yes, my parents are sending me in a few days before my birthday), thus I am a minor, and I have absolutely no say in the matter. I've hidden razor blades so that I can bring them, and I am considering cutting enough to get sent to the ER, just so that I don't have to stay with a bunch of anorexics (that sounds mean to refer to them that way, but I'm just really sensitive)

You sound like you're in a really bad way and it's obvious that you really need this help at this time in your life.  The razor blade idea is disturbing and stupid.  OK you'd be in ER for a while but you could end up on a psychiatric ward that way as well.  Potentially much more scary than... what are we talking about here?... girls just like you.

Your poor parents must be at their wits' end to see their beautiful baby daughter in such a terrible emaciated and depressed state.   My heart goes out to them it really does.  They must love you so much to drive you for 4 days to get help.  I'm really glad you have no say in the matter because it sounds like Tucson is all that's standing between you and the pearly gates.

Go hug your parents.  Then go to that centre in the frame of mind that you want to recover.  What alternatives have you honestly got?

Its probablly too late now to get your treatment centre changed. I imagine that becuase you are being sent to a treatment centre you are very unwell and desperatly need to go. I strongly advise you to hand over the blades to you parents or the intake assesor at the centre. Most likely they will search your stuff anyway.

Give this centre a go. Its residential which means there is a higher staff to patient ratio than in IP. You will have staff there that you can seek out and talk to if you are not handeling things well.

If you give the centre a try and it really doesnt help you then try discussing your concerns with your parents and your treatment team. Maybe there is another option. Ive never been IP for my ed, i have however been IP for other mental health issues. What i can tell you is that going to a general psych IP unit may be just as triggering as being in an residential ED centre. When ive had to go IP i was triggered by other people and to be honest its really scary being in the same unit as other kids who are psychotic etc. I think that perhaps anywhere you go right now is going to be hard for you. You NEED to give this another try.

Im 21 now. Ive had mental health issues since i was your age. Ive been IP for those issues i think 5 times and to residential twice. Thankfully ive been stable for the last couple of years and not had a stay in hospital since i was 19. Ive been out of mental health services for a little over a year now. I have career goals, and life goals, i want to have a family one day. In the last 16 months i have developed an ED, maybe its just another way my problems are being expressed. Im finding it almost impossible to get help to get better and to live a normal life. You are still young, you have so much to look forward to. Can you imagine looking back on your teenage years and wishing things had been different, getting upset becuase you missed out on so much. Thats how i feel. I missed out on all the normal stuff that other kids my age were doing becuase i was so unwell and in and out of pych hospitals. I am still missing out on life. I HATE IT. Please give yourself a chance. Work hard to get well becuase there is a future for you!!!

Good luck, i hope that you are abe to recover in the treatment centre. You deserve recovery, wellness, and happiness.

Oomboo, I really don't know what to say to help you/make you feel better because I don't know how I would handle being in that kind of situation myself. I read your journal entries and my heart just went out to you. So I just wanted to say I really feel for you right now and I will be thinking of you a lot. I can only imagine the state of mental anguish you must be in right now, and all that you've gone through and all that you will continue to go through. You are so strong though, and I really believe you can make it through this and I hope to God you do.

Original Post by gi-jane:

You sound like you're in a really bad way and it's obvious that you really need this help at this time in your life.  The razor blade idea is disturbing and stupid.  OK you'd be in ER for a while but you could end up on a psychiatric ward that way as well.  Potentially much more scary than... what are we talking about here?... girls just like you.

Your poor parents must be at their wits' end to see their beautiful baby daughter in such a terrible emaciated and depressed state.   My heart goes out to them it really does.  They must love you so much to drive you for 4 days to get help.  I'm really glad you have no say in the matter because it sounds like Tucson is all that's standing between you and the pearly gates.

Go hug your parents.  Then go to that centre in the frame of mind that you want to recover.  What alternatives have you honestly got?

 This is incredibly unhelpful and hurtful. This is a 14 year old girl who is obviously unwell and needs help. You are shaming her, making her feel bad for something that she most likely has no control over at this point.

Telling her that she is hurting her parents is probablly extremely upsetting, she already knows how much pain she is putting her parents through. When i was a teenager i had some quite serious mental health probelms which require IP treatment. I still to this day feel the most incredible guilt for the pain that caused my family. BUT it wasnt my fault. Mental illness is not the persons fault. Its just the same as any other illness. Would you shame someone with diabeties or heart disease. NO. But you are shaming her becuase you probablly think that its her fault.

Eating disorders are a mental illness. They are a physical way that emotional pain is shown. You are only adding to the pain by shaming her.

Shame on you!!

well, I live in Tucson, so if you ever need any support you can call me up! (:

Damaging yourself is an extremely serious issue - it's frightening and traumatic for anyone who has a friend or loved one involved with it or with suicide attempts.

Please leave those razor blades at home or give them to your parents or to the facility when you arrive. Cutting yourself is not a solution, even a temporary one, to your problems and fears. You can go to this treatment center and give it your best shot. Yes, people are scary and disturbing, but you will probably find that is because you don't know them yet. They should have counselors to help you work on all of your issues. This is the first step of not staying at home all the time and not having panic attacks.

Yes, it stinks to be sent right before your birthday, but the timing is probably due to the facilities schedule. If they didn't love you so much they wouldn't try to help you.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, the most important step you can take is to talk to someone about it - either a medical professional or a trusted person in your family, school or organization.

If you don't know who to talk to, please call 1-800-784-2433.

We strongly encourage anyone who needs help to seek it from an appropriate professional.

Sara

Volunteer Moderator

I'm aware that at this point, I have no choice but to give it a try. I'm just terrified of memories. I have such awful flashbacks from the places I have been to so far. There are songs that make me flip out because they were always on when I was IP, shows I can no longer watch, books I can no longer read, activities I can no longer do, etc.

"Your poor parents must be at their wits' end to see their beautiful baby daughter in such a terrible emaciated and depressed state.   My heart goes out to them it really does.  They must love you so much to drive you for 4 days to get help.  I'm really glad you have no say in the matter because it sounds like Tucson is all that's standing between you and the pearly gates....................Go hug your parents."

gi-jane: A. I'm not emaciated B. My mother yelled at me for hours because I refused to take a plane. She chose to drive to Mirasol because there is a children's illness fund in NJ that will cover the cost, so she doesn't want to go anywhere else. Shes not driving because she loves me. Shes driving more or less to save money. C. I would never kill myself. I'd go to hell, and I'm smart enough to know that hell would be worse than this. Also, I'm not denying I need to go IP. I wanted to go to a place called Moonridge, which is more centered around cutting and depression (and does not have a bunch of emaciated anorexics, which is the hardest part for me) I actually REALLY REALLY wanted to go there. But my mother only wants to go to Mirasol. D. I'm not going to hug those who have caused me this much pain. And I don't just mean putting me in residential. You really cannot judge them when you don't know some of the things that they've done. I'm sorry. I know you were trying to be helpful, but it was just...incorrect.

Also, I would prefer a normal psych unit to an ED place. I've been in places like that. Out of the 5 hospitals stays I've had, the one at the psych ward was the best. Its like... they aren't "normal", but they're normal in ways that I'm not. Which helps.

 

Edit: I realized this post seams very defensive. I apologize. I'm fully aware that I am f***ed up and need help. I'm just... well... f***ed up, so I act like this. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

for kylie87.... that's particularly offensive.  I would never be so crass as to shame a person for being sick.  I have direct experience of someone with a very serious mental disorder.... like the OP they were suffering from depression, agoraphobia, paranoia plus other symptoms besides.  They didn't believe they needed help, were terrified of treatment and believed (wrongly) that those closest to them were trying to destroy them.  Ultimately they only achieved any kind of a normal life because the treatment was forced on them.   The OP is in a similar place.  I wish her well.

I'm glad that you're going even if it's not the place that you want to go to.  It's hard to say if it's all about the money or if there's another reason.  Personally, if you were my kid, I'd probably try all the places that are covered by insurance first (unless I was certain they wouldn't help at all) and then if those still weren't working, then I'd go for whatever I needed to do get you help.  Not every treatment place will be helpful to you, even if they are completely qualified.  That's more dependent in my opinion on the people that are actually at the treatment center to help you and what kind of bond you can create with them.  You can go through all the steps and motions without making any progress.  I'm hoping that whatever connection you need to help you to recover will be just waiting for you at the treatment center.  Given that you've felt you were in some really traumatic places, you've survived those so I doubt that this one is going to be any worse and it will probably be better.  Just talk to the counselors and try to let them help you, even if it sounds stupid.

gi-jane & kylie87 both of you seem to want the best oomboo2 even if you disagree on the best way to phrase it.  Please don't argue about it in this thread.

oomboo, Okay its not where you want to go true. Once again control is being taken from you and your panicing.  Its probably doing its own number on triggering you.    Its obvious someone has hurt you whoever that might have been.  Girls don't just become anorexic because they see thin actresses and models, no matter what the media might have us believe.  It always goes along with some other major form of trama. 

It is here that your problem lies.  A regular Psych ward might help you deal with that trama, but they don't have what they need to deal with the medical issues of an eating disorder.  If all you did was cut then the Psych ward would be perfect for you.   But, your not.  You do need the help of people who deal with eating disorders.

When you get there, as soon as you get there, let them know that seeing other people is a trigger for you.  It won't be the first time they have heard that.  I am sure of all the girls there at least one or two will be the same way.   This place is going to be equiped to handle all of your issues.  A Psych ward wouldn't be able to.   A Psych ward would medicate you into oblivion.  This place, will help you face all that crap, let it go and deal with your issues all at one time. 

I know its scary.  But, as you pointed out, your parents seem to be at least partly to blame for your mental state.  Getting that far away from them for a while could do you some good.  Yes I know  you see it as abandonment and just one more time no one is listening to what you want.  But, sweety the first step in curing yourself is realizing that you cannot control everything.  Truth is we can't really control anything except ourselves.  Control is an illusion. 

You have used your eating disorder to control your world.  Most of the time when people feel as though someone is trying to manipulate and control them they fight back and they do it usually with very poor choices.   Your parents are probably making poor choices, but at the same time, those choices are forcing you to face your first major stumbling block head on.  You can't control this. 

You obviously believe in a higher power.  If you believe you would go to hell for killing yourself, then you must also believe that God doesn't put anything on you that you can't handle.   Everything has its reasons.  They are rarely clear to us in the beginning but everything has its reasons.    Obviously there is someone in this place that  can help you and that needs your help.  If you go into it from that perspective and keep  your mind open and accepting to the posibilities instead of giving into the fear, you just might find that your mother was right in sending you there.

Embracing fear and anger along with your need to control is what got you into this postion in the first place.  Maybe now its time to let go of those things and just let it happen.  For whatever reason, it has been put in front of you to accept or fight.   You must learn to pick your battles.  You know this one isn't one you can win already.  So accept it.  Embrace it.  Make yourself look forward to it.   Act as if this is the best thing to ever come along for you.  Acting as if, gets me through a lot of things.   Its never failed me and Ive never regretted it.

An open mind and an open heart go a lot further than a closed mind and a closed heart.  I know you have been hurt and its  hard to open up.  But, its the only way you will ever heal.  You have to trust someone sometime.  Maybe she isn't the best mother in the world, but at least she is trying.   She could have just thrown up her hands and quit.  And despite what you might think,  Driving won't save her money over flying.   Not with current gas prices.  Shes driving because she thinks it will make it easier on you. 

 

*I'm in a general hospital right now. I strted havng major panic attacks at the residential and was transferred here. 2 of the girls have bmis below 12. It just really freaked me out. I'm prob. going back in a few days though :(