Dont like the way I feel!

Overworked. Never give myself time to "play"... feeling that its time wasted in reaching my goal and dream.  I am a photographer and owner of www.bloempages.com (local directory for my city)  I have a teenage son that is driving me up the wall.  My husband stays/works abroad and cant actually be bothered to what goes on at home.  I just feel emotionally tired and found that lately skeletons have come out to haunt me... I haunt myself, crucify myself... i am just so hard on myself.

I have ended a 6 year friendship, because she was too controlling... then now another friendship has come to an end ... disrespecting my mother and a friend... there is no doubt which i will pick!  My dad passed away in September 2008, leaving my mother moving in with me (we are 4 sisters) and no doubt i have never been the favorite, but they are not able to provide for her.

Life is just getting too much for me.  I dont know how to balance.  All i do is work.  I am so driving its sickening.

I am on medication, but lately under the circumstances nothing is working... Right now i just want to be left alone... and cry myself to sleep (which i dont do)

I hide my feelings and emotions and lately they have come out in huge outbursts which has everybody stunned at my behavior.  Right now I just feel like being selfish and think only of myself and how to get myself out of this emotional mess i got myself into...

Hi Ginette,

Wow, reading your story was like reading my diary 20 years ago. Like you, I was a caretaker for many years, almost all my married life, and raising my only child, a girl, was rough but now I think it was worse for her than for me. My husband coudnt stand my mom, (I dont blame him she would meddle in everything and would say the most incensitive things all the time) I lived like the ham in the sandwich for a long time, to the point I tried to end it all twice... I had to make a decision, and would hurt me till the day I die, but had to call my sister to pick up my mom. There is damage in my family that it will never be repaired, but at least there is a little bit of peace, we didnt have ever. Just think about what is the most important thing you need to be. Is it a mother or a daughter? If you have siblings, maybe you all can take turns and give you a brake. Take a weekend alone with your son and spend some time with him. He might be going through stuff he is not telling you outright. I wish I could go back in time and had been a better mother. Now the only thing I have is the present and the future, how can I make it better. Being there for my loved ones, but taking care of myself, taking time alone to recouperate all the troubles and hardships one day at the time. I quit all my medications, and I am concentrating in bringing myself to health - the natural way. Being able to share these feelings are very helpful. I hope my experience can help you focus and ease the pain and overwhelming feeling of doing way too much. Have a great night!

Violet