"But you don't need to lose weight!"

Since I have started on my journey to drop these extra pounds, I have been told - by friends, family, and co-workers - "But you don't need to lose weight!"  These comments generally come when I refuse a piece of bread and butter at dinner, order a salad without dressing at lunch, or don't partake in the birthday cake in the breakroom.  "Oh, you must be on a diet.  But you don't need to lose weight!  Have a piece of cake!!!"

But the fact is, I DO need to lose weight.  I am currently "slightly overweight" based on my BMI (5'2", 140 pounds - down from 147 since November! - but still some work to be done).  Not to mention the fact that I feel miserable with this extra weight and the larger sizes ..... but I am not "on a diet."  I am just being reasonable with my choices.

So I was wondering if anyone else has encountered these people, who I know are not trying to sabatoge my efforts, but rather are just trying to "be nice."  What is your response to these comments?  I don't really want to get into a huge discussion about BMI or my own personal desire to drop extra pounds, and I especially don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (I have found that these comments often come from people who feel guilty about their OWN indulgence in that piece of cake ...), but I also want to send the message that this is important to me, and needs to be a focus of mine right now!

Any thoughts?

Just say... 'I'm heavier than I look' and smile.  They are only saying it to be nice, you're right.  They can see you're overweight really....

absolutely!  don't let them know you're trying to lose weight.  it's YOUR business, not theirs.  you are trying to eat healthier!  :D

hey, if some of that weight falls off, fine.  ;)

yeah, i've had friends & family tell me that for my last 30 pounds!  then, after reaching my goal & going to the doc 3 months later, he was on my case for being up ONE pound!  the jerk...  i'm sure he's just looking out for me.

obviously, i'm STILL not too skinny if the doc is gonna get on my case over ONE stinking pound.  anyway, it was winter & i was wearing heavier clothes.  i didn't say that, though.  i just agreed that that pound has got to go & it did.  lol

good luck & do what you need to do.  don't let friends & family bother you.  that was the hardest part of my 86 pound loss!  family getting over it...

I'm so glad you posted this, I got this today!  I told a friend who just got back in town that I was finally on a diet and I'd lost 3lbs and she was like "Why?  You don't need to lose weight, you look healthy!" which to me is saying Yeah ok, your a little heavier than you should be probably but your not fat so just get over it lol.  I know she wasn't trying to be dismissive, even though she is really thin and healthy herself...but I'm 181 and I'm 5'7.  I do carry my weight well, I dress well too.  But I'm still not a healthy weight.  So I try to say Well I know I don't look fat but I haven't been eating gret lately and I want to get it under control before I DO have a problem, and they tend to respect that.

Honestly?

Looking at your profile, you don't really need to. You may WANT to, but you don't need to. It's not out of line, you have no health concerns based at your current weight, from a health perspective you are just dandy.

You probably have been bombarded you with a million images that tell you if you don't have a 6-pack you're morbidly obese and you might as well die in a ditch somewhere for all the value you have to society.

Don't believe it... and don't believe that guys think you're eww uck huge if you're bigger than a size 2. Some might, but those are the kinds of douchebags who are looking at you as a sort of accessory, the way you might match up shoes and a belt.

Yep, I hate it! A few years ago I was 8 or so pounds heavier and when I dropped the weight everyone thought I had an eating disorder.  NOW if I mention working out I have to hear how I don't need to.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a healthy weight and trying to be healthier.

I have to hear it too!  I am not over weight at all but I would like to have a toned body. That includes the abs and you can not get any muscle to show unless you have very little fat on your stomach. People get mad when I tell them i am going to work out of that I am watching what I eat. I just  tell them there is always room for improvement and that they shoudlnt put me down for making good healthy choices in my life. Its better to start somtime then never at all. Dont let anyone get you down and do what you feel is right for you as long as you do it in a healthy manner, which it sounds like you are. Keep up the good work!

I absolutely detest how normalized being heavy is here in the U.S.

I don't really eat around anyone but my family so luckily I don't have to deal with that anymore, but it drove me crazy when I was in school. It sounds like a non-answer I know, but I think the best thing really is just to ignore it/brush it off with a smile.

Original Post by hatamoto:

Honestly?

Looking at your profile, you don't really need to. You may WANT to, but you don't need to. It's not out of line, you have no health concerns based at your current weight, from a health perspective you are just dandy.

You probably have been bombarded you with a million images that tell you if you don't have a 6-pack you're morbidly obese and you might as well die in a ditch somewhere for all the value you have to society.

Don't believe it... and don't believe that guys think you're eww uck huge if you're bigger than a size 2. Some might, but those are the kinds of douchebags who are looking at you as a sort of accessory, the way you might match up shoes and a belt.

 How can you tell that based on her profile?  Her BMI is 25.6 right now, and when she started, her BMI was 26.9.  No, she is/was not obese, but based on that yes, she is in the overweight category. 

Just because someone isn't obese doesn't me an they shouldn't lose weight.  Even a few pounds oveweight can increase your risk for heart problems and some cancers.  Who is to say who NEEDS to lose weight and who SHOULD lose weight or who WANTS to lose weight?  If she feels unhealthy, then she feels she needs to lose weight to get healthy, assuming the numbers aren't way off (like if she was 110 and said I NEED to lose weight).  I feel like dismissing her and saying Well all those people are right cause I looked at your picture and I decided it must be so.

Besides...noone NEEDS a piece of cake or another piece of bread with butter. 

People tend to like things to stay the same.  That tends to include the size of the people around them.  I like gi-jane's answer best, but any approach that frames the issue as "I want to be healthy" rather than "I want to be thinner" will tend to get questioned less. 

I've lost 25 pounds and, after 15, my parents expressed concern about how much more I planned to lose.  When I pointed out that my goal weight was my mum's current weight (we're the same height), they relaxed.  They just didn't see me as heavy; they saw me as me.  Kind of like how I don't hear their accents; I just hear their voices - even though they have very different accents from me or anyone else I see on a daily basis.

And if people insist on accusing you of unreasonable dieting (like my sister does to me; apparently, it's "annoying" that I want to know the ingredients or nutrition info. for my food and "unsafe" that I work out with weights) when you're not, explain once and, after that, smile and ignore.

Original Post by dovelette:

 How can you tell that based on her profile?  Her BMI is 25.6 right now, and when she started, her BMI was 26.9.  No, she is/was not obese, but based on that yes, she is in the overweight category. 

Just because someone isn't obese doesn't me an they shouldn't lose weight.  Even a few pounds oveweight can increase your risk for heart problems and some cancers.  Who is to say who NEEDS to lose weight and who SHOULD lose weight or who WANTS to lose weight?  If she feels unhealthy, then she feels she needs to lose weight to get healthy, assuming the numbers aren't way off (like if she was 110 and said I NEED to lose weight).  I feel like dismissing her and saying Well all those people are right cause I looked at your picture and I decided it must be so.

Besides...noone NEEDS a piece of cake or another piece of bread with butter. 

I stand by my words. Medically, from the information she had available, there's no compelling reason why weight loss would be an issue. Therefore, the most compelling reason is a personal desire to be thinner.

There's nothing wrong with selfish reasons for weight loss. My own goals include two different weights: the one where my BMI is sane and I'm no longer at serious risk for weight-related health complication (around 100kg), and the one where I'd like to be based on vanity (around 90kg). I know both are within reach... the question comes down to "How much harder am I willing to work in order to reach my vanity weight?"

It's not 'dismissal' to say someone doesn't need to lose weight any more than it's 'dismissal' to say that I personally DO. In fact, it's entirely the opposite... personally, I think it takes much more determination to do something purely out of the desire for self improvement than to do it because if you don't, you're more likely to suffer premature disability or death.

... and you're absolutely right. Noone NEEDS that cake... but many WANT it. Thank you for proving my point for me.

You say, "Oh, thank you very much!  I just don't want that right now.  I hope you don't mind."

Thank you! That happens to me allllll the time. I was maintaining for most of last year and at the moment I'm just trying to drop the few inevitable Christmas pounds, but people can be so irritating! My boyfriend is the worst offender. I know it's because he loves my body the way it is, but it's as if he can't understand it if I stay off the drink for a few weeks or if I don't want to eat after dinner!

This also happens to me. I have lost 25 lbs since May 2008.

I simply tell them that food is fuel and that I'm not hungry. You don't put more gas in your car when you have a full tank, do you?

I'm currently at my goal. Now when people talk about the fact that I'm "too thin" (5'6, 122) I simply tell them that my BMI is healthy and that I'm happy.

And some of the above posters are correct. It's not really anyones business that you're on a diet. Just tell them that you're eating what you want or that you're not eating because you don't want it.

I think you're right that they're just trying to be nice, unless they keep trying to shove food at you. I've said it to friends sometimes too, when they tell me they're dieting, because it seems rude to me to say "Yeah, you shouldn't eat this cake."

Like people already mentioned, no one likes change. If you change, you're knocking over their little apple cart; not to mention many people feel guilty for shoving down cake and the fact you're not makes them feel worse. This is from my own personal experience. I don't go around commenting on thin people not eating cake, but I do notice and it and it makes me feel even more guilty. It just sucks that some people can't keep their big traps shut and let someone else eat what they want

Kristin,

At least you are too young to have people say to you "Don't lose any more, at our age you begin to wrinkle".  I'll take my chances on wrinkles!

Thanks to everyone for the feedback.  I agree that I am not in a SEVERE need to lose weight - and yes, hatamoto, some of the pounds I want to lose are indeed vanity pounds, I'll admit - but a huge motivation point for me to lose weight now is to change history, to shape my own destiny, to refuse to be overweight like many others in my family.  After putting on an unnecessary 20 pounds over the past few years, I had my wake-up call!  Nip this in the bud now or pay for it later.  And yes, I AM trying to be healthier, not JUST lose weight.

And carameldrops: "I absolutely detest how normalized being heavy is here in the U.S."  I couldn't have said it more perfectly.  Please, please do not misunderstand me and think I am being judgmental or biased; I simply am arguing that we, as a culture, are over-indulgent (in most all aspects of life) and ignorant to the consequences.  I have many issues with the marketing that we are bombarded with day in and day out ... most of the messages we are getting we don't even REALIZE that we are getting.  And again, hatamoto hit home with this comment: "You probably have been bombarded with a million images that tell you if you don't have a 6-pack you're morbidly obese and you might as well die in a ditch somewhere for all the value you have to society."  How interesting is it that we are spoon-fed images of perfect, often unattainable bodies along with the implication that if we do not look like that, we are worthless ... then told that we should eat a Baconator, large fries, and a Coke for dinner??  But THAT is a topic for another day ...

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for the comments.  Best of luck to all of you in your own journey ... I love the support network here on Calorie Count, and I know that together we can all achieve our own successes!!

carameldrops - So true! Obesity IS normalized in the U.S. and it really bothers me that thin people are looked upon as having a problem or depriving themselves for making their health a priority all their life, instead of trying to compensate for years of indulgence. Some people tend to think only overweight people are allowed to make healthy lifestyle changes, such as not eating desserts, and when normal-weight people do it, it's in vanity or they must have an ED.

kb206000 - You might just want to be extra careful around people who may be overweight themselves, because they could take offense to your mentioning your health goals. They could jump to the conclusion that you think they should be doing what you're doing, too. (the whole "if YOU'RE fat, then what does that make ME?" thing) Just a thought...And the people who say things like "But you don't need to lose weight" are probably being nice, like you said. They don't want to hurt your feelings by not saying anything or, worse, agreeing with you. Just think of how you would respond if your best friend told you she was trying to be healthier/lose weight/etc. You would probably feel the same way toward her - that she is fine the way she is.

Such great answers on this one. 

My best answer to people has been "Look what happened when I was at a healthy weight.... do you really think I want to take a risk now that I'm heavier?" 

I hyper-extended a knee and lost 10 months of my life to complications at a point when I was totally healthy (and very physically fit) and just got up the wrong way at work.  They've more or less stopped saying anything when I bring up joint issues later from extra wear now.