dont want children my wonderful husband does

For some of you women who are having similar problems may understand... im 25 and i haven't yet got married to my fiancee I work two jobs and my finacee works one we live together and we been together for 8 years and we've finally decided to tie the knot we haven't set a date yet. When i first met my husband we been honest with eachother i told him upfront that i love kids but thier not for me and i dont plan on changing my mind even if i do get older. On the other hand my finacee does want children and he said it was ok if i didnt want children now but maybe later i would possibly change my mind but i told him i wouldn't and i was sure of my decision he understands that i dont want children but what i'm afriad was he probably still has hope when ever this topic comes up i give him the answer but now that we're getting married i don't know if he still understands that im gonna stick to my decison. Do you think he'd be understanding that if he did happen to marry me that we'd be a child-less couple or would he resent me for it. We been together for quite a long time and it'll hurt the both of us to know we'd have to part both ways for this situation. And finacially speaking i have two jobs in order to keep our place, pay the bills and more. i am a bit frugal when it comes to money i save and  pay of all my bills and etc. although my finacee does spend frivoulously. my finacee doesn't bring much but it is enough for us to care for ourselves and frankly i don't think hes thinking this through he wants someone to play with but theres more to it then he thinks my parents fostered i was the oldest child always babysat and looked after the kids so  i understand the responsabilty of a  kid and the expenditure. if i do agree to this i know i will resent him for it which i don't want to do to him or the kid. He's not the kind of man who takes much responsability when it comes to taking care of kids no experience but he is very diligent at work. so if do have a kid  i'll  be stuck doing the dirty work which i don't want ... what should i do do you think this calls for couples counselling, theres no option of leaving him, or should i get out of his system  tell him to volunteer somthing that involves with children?

 people plz disregard the second one i donno how i got two my apologizes on that

Original Post by vikifernandes:

most women have similar problems such a these more later in thier marriage but im thinkin ahead im 25 and i havnt yet got married to my fiancee but i dont think i was quite clear to him i told him when we first met that i had no intention of having children and im guess he assumed id be different once i got older i was 19 when i told him that now tht im 25 he still brings tht topic up an i dont know how to answer hes my lover and best friend i just dont want to break his heart  telling him that he can never be a father if do get married i dont want to lose him  i know im being selfish and not compromising but ive decided this my whole life i dont want children its to much of resposabilty and frankly im happy with my perfect body which im not willing to lose i work two jobs which i dont think can even give me enough time to even think bout having kids and financially i dont think we can take care of a kid but he says we can manage will he leave me and turn down his proposal and soon too be wedding on the account i dont think having kids a big thing with marriage i mean told him to think bout we cld go out more date night or he can hang with his buddies without a care of coming home early to help take care of the kids and we can go traveling and more plzzz help me

periods would help us understand what you are saying.

"i dont think we can take care of a kid but he says we can manage will he leave me and turn down his proposal and soon too be wedding on the account i dont think having kids a big thing with marriage"

does that mean he WILL leave you if you tell him you won't have kids? 

Either way, don't lie to him.

if you dont want kids ever ever then the sooner you break up the better. dont drag his heart around while hes hoping for something you will never give him. thats dishonest and disrespectful of both you and him.

i felt the same way when i got preg at 25. my boy changed my life.

That is a deal breaker- you may love each other but you have different wants and needs. In the long run it will ruin your relationship and cause major resentments on both sides. Just be clear with him that you feel that way and you do not ever see it changing.

You don't need to feel badly for not wanting kids- a lot of people choose that path these days and the world is already over populated so don't sweat it! You can to decide what you can do and what you want to do- if you change your mind in the future you can always have a child later in life.

For now it is just best to be honest and upfront so neither of you stay in a relationship that wont fulfill your long terms desires.

I'm with hotfuss--periods would  be beneficial. =)

In regards to your actual post, though. Having children is something a couple can't come to a compromise for. You either have a child, or you don't. You can't have 1/2 of a child--it's just impossible. You need to tell him that under no uncertain terms do you want children. You will probably have to break it off because the two of you are incompatible with these two very different long-term goals (you, no children and him, children).

It's unfortunate, but if you knew from the very beginning and were upfront with him at the start of your relationship, you have to be firm and inform him AGAIN that you haven't changed your mind and you (most likely) never will. Some of the childfree do change their minds, but it's a smaller number than a lot of people like to think it is. If you don't want children, that's cool, but you have to make sure he absolutely understands that you mean EVER, and not "I don't want any right now." If he can't understand this and still has hope for children later on in your lives, you're going to have to move on and find another partner, because he'll probably grow to resent you if you never provide him with children. And if you were to get pregnant and have a child despite the fact that you don't want one, you're also likely to end up resenting him for never listening to you in the first place. And that's a bad place to be in a marriage. =/

Again, periods, commas ect would be very helpful!! :)

You can not lie to him.  You can not lead him on.  You HAVE to tell him the truth and you have to do it soon.  It's not fair to him for him to think you two are heading toward a life together that will never be. 

His ultimate goal in life is to become a father. You don't want to be a mother. While you say you love him and want to be with him forever, he still wants to be a father one day. So either you accept that and compromise by having kids (& losing your 'perfect' figure, nights out, travelling etc....do you know how selfish that sounds, but thats another deal...) or let him go to fulfil his dream with someone else. Theres no other answer.

Be honest, this is a  big deal and a deal breaker.  If he definitely wants kids and you don't, break the relationship off......better now then later.  You guys will just get married and he will keep pushing for kids and you will just argue.  Either he will convince you to do something you don't want to, and you'll resent him and the child, or he will realize you aren't willing to be parents.....either way, it's a pretty good shot at a divorce.  It may hurt now, but its better then a divorce later.

After reading through your post several times, I have to say I agree with everyone else.  You HAVE to tell him how you feel, and you have to do it NOW.  Your goals are different, and that just doesn't work.

There is nothing wrong with wanting kids, or not wanting kids, but you have to find a partner that is OK with your views.  Or work it out somehow.  Adoption, fostering, volunteering, etc, might be a way for him to release his fatherhood desires, but likely not.

Give him a chance to get out now, if that is what it takes, because neither one of you will be happy as things stand right now.

I didn't read your whole post because without punctuation, it's too difficult to understand, but I did read enough to get a good idea of what's going on.  I'm going to agree with the others that this is probably a deal breaker for you and your fiance.  If he really wants kids and you really don't then you need to make the hard choice to go your separate ways, otherwise someone is going to have to go along with something they don't want.  If you really don't want kids, then it would be wrong to have them just to please him and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the children you would have.  By the same token, if he really wants kids, he needs to be with someone who shares that ambition.  For either of you to think you can change the others mind would be setting yourself up for failure of a most hurtful kind.  Be honest with him about how you feel and if he wants to move on because of this, then that is for the best for both of you.

Double post somehow, sorry!

I'm with everyone else on this.  With finances it can be managed to go from 2 salaries to 1 if need be, but that's if you want to have kids to begin with.  Since you don't honestly there's no reason to keep it going any longer.  

It's not going to be easy but what else is? One of you resenting the other since there is no way to really compromise on this.

Easy.

Tell him again - no way will I get a kid. If he doesn't get it, don't marry him.

Tell him that he can't spend money frivoulously. If he doesn't get it, don't marry him.

For his need of something to play with - get a dog. I'm not mocking, I'm serious. A pet takes responsibility and is a playing partner. Will have him satisfied in that area and make him more responsible.

But really, think about if you are totally sure you want to marry someone irresponsible, not agreeing with you on major desicions who can't handle money. Ask youself if you want to marry him because he is really the right person or because you got used to him. No offense.

Best of luck.

Well, if you are really sure and serious about never wanting kids, have you thought about sterilization?  I am not talking about doing it to "stick it to him," I mean if it's something you really want, maybe that's something to think about.  If you're really serious and it's a decision you want to make for yourself, it would send a very clear message to him, there would be no hoping on his part.  He would have to accept it or leave.  That is a decision you would have to make with only yourself in mind though, not to solve this problem only.

Original Post by huggitbear:

Well, if you are really sure and serious about never wanting kids, have you thought about sterilization?  I am not talking about doing it to "stick it to him," I mean if it's something you really want, maybe that's something to think about.  If you're really serious and it's a decision you want to make for yourself, it would send a very clear message to him, there would be no hoping on his part.  He would have to accept it or leave.  That is a decision you would have to make with only yourself in mind though, not to solve this problem only.

@Hug - I like your answer but I s'pose the TO isn't over 35. I don't know how the rules are in other countries but in the two I lived you either had to have kids already or be over 35 to get sterilized.

But it's possible for men to get a vasctomy earlier (not fair but oh well..), and it is reverseable.

But I guess her hub-to-be wouldn't agree to that

Original Post by kittyisaround:

Original Post by huggitbear:

Well, if you are really sure and serious about never wanting kids, have you thought about sterilization?  I am not talking about doing it to "stick it to him," I mean if it's something you really want, maybe that's something to think about.  If you're really serious and it's a decision you want to make for yourself, it would send a very clear message to him, there would be no hoping on his part.  He would have to accept it or leave.  That is a decision you would have to make with only yourself in mind though, not to solve this problem only.

@Hug - I like your answer but I s'pose the TO isn't over 35. I don't know how the rules are in other countries but in the two I lived you either had to have kids already or be over 35 to get sterilized.

But it's possible for men to get a vasctomy earlier (not fair but oh well..), and it is reverseable.

But I guess her hub-to-be wouldn't agree to that

With enough shopping around in the States, one can find a doctor that'll sterilize you even if you are younger than 35 and have no kids. In fact, many of the childfree have managed to do just that--or get IUD's placed (which a lot of doctors won't do if you haven't had a child yet). It would take quite a bit of work, though, to find a doctor that was completely comfortable with the idea of sterilizing someone young.

It all depends on the area she's in, too.

Original Post by armandleg:

Original Post by kittyisaround:

Original Post by huggitbear:

Well, if you are really sure and serious about never wanting kids, have you thought about sterilization?  I am not talking about doing it to "stick it to him," I mean if it's something you really want, maybe that's something to think about.  If you're really serious and it's a decision you want to make for yourself, it would send a very clear message to him, there would be no hoping on his part.  He would have to accept it or leave.  That is a decision you would have to make with only yourself in mind though, not to solve this problem only.

@Hug - I like your answer but I s'pose the TO isn't over 35. I don't know how the rules are in other countries but in the two I lived you either had to have kids already or be over 35 to get sterilized.

But it's possible for men to get a vasctomy earlier (not fair but oh well..), and it is reverseable.

But I guess her hub-to-be wouldn't agree to that

With enough shopping around in the States, one can find a doctor that'll sterilize you even if you are younger than 35 and have no kids. In fact, many of the childfree have managed to do just that--or get IUD's placed (which a lot of doctors won't do if you haven't had a child yet). It would take quite a bit of work, though, to find a doctor that was completely comfortable with the idea of sterilizing someone young.

It all depends on the area she's in, too.

Oh ok I hadn't know that. I tried to find someone in both countries I lived/live in (Germany & Australia) and they all refuse to... maybe I should give the US a try ;)

[But we just came to the desicion that BF getting a vasectomy is much easier anyway, so woot for that alternative]

Break up with him. 

I met my former husband when I was 23 and told him on the first date that I wanted children.  He was older than I was, and already had children.  He agreed that he wanted kids too...(little different from you...) so long story short, after 9 years, still no kids.  I talked about it ALL the time during these years and he would always find a way to divert the conversation.  We got along, we had been together for a very long time, had a life together, but the minute I finally realized that he was not willing to have more kids, I left him.  It was horrible.  I hated to do it, but I NEEDED to be a mother.  I WISH he had been up front with me in the beginning...I WOULD NOT HAVE married him. 

Bottom line, I found someone, got remarried, and my wonderful husband is the father of my two beautiful boys, 4 and 1, and I could not be happier...I wish I could have had my children younger (I was 38 with my last) and I wish more than anything that my ex had been honest with me when I was 23.

Good luck.

My sister was in a realtionship for 6 years hoping her boyfriend would change his mind about kids.  He never did and they didn't work out.  Wasted years and wasted tears. 

While I totally understand your feelings about your parents foster situation and your role in it...that is NOT raising your own child.  Babysitting for a night or watching/raising "siblings" is completely different.  Sure the tasks are the same but the emotions behind why you do these tasks are coming from 2 different places!  I do things for my kids that I never would have done for any other kid OR adult for that matter. 

I would suggest counseling before making a final decision on babies & the relationship.  Good luck :O)