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i dont want children but my wonderful husband does
i have never had any desire to have children. my husband has been heartbroken for years, and starts talking about it every 6 months. we've separated because of this, and then got back together and it's just as bad. i'm not sure what to do:
a. live a selfish life and leave him heartbroken forever (i cant stand it and hate myself for having ever done that!)
b. leave him (tried. unsuccessfully. we're together now though we keep fighting about it) or
c. somehow convince myself to have children, although i'm sure i will be a bad mother because i dont want them at all!
he's an angel, and i cant stand this any longer
Reason: Locked since the OP hasn't logged on in months.
All women are giving natural instincts about that kinda stuff. Our bodies respond to our children without us even realizing it.
Im sorry, but I have to disagree with that statement. I have known several women over the years who did NOT have natural instincts about "that kinda stuff". Their bodies did NOT respond to their children (or anyone elses). The continued part of your post proves that. You state that she shoulnd't worry about not doing a good job because our instincts take over, then you state your mother did not want you and she did not do a good job.
I think it's great to be able to know what you want and know what you don't want. It's better than lying to yourself.
Seeking counciling sounds like a great idea, though. Get your feelings out there with your husband. Do you have any friends who have small children? Offer to babysit...even over a weekend so they can have a chance to get away! You and your husband may feel unhappy interacting together around children. All the early bedtimes and temper tantrums may be enough to turn him off. Go into it with an open mind, though.
What are your husbands reasons for wanting children? To bring you closer as a couple? To share something unique with you? To mingle your DNA? To pass his genetic information onto the next generation (sorry for the last 2---I am a biologist, afterall) ;)
good luck!
My boyfriend wants children and I don't. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. He just turned 44 and I just turned 46. He's known all along that I don't want kids, mainly because of my age. I feel like I'm way too old to have a baby (and if I could even conceive). We have lived together for the past year and are still blissfully in love, so it makes things all the more difficult. He has been bringing up the issue much more lately, and last night we discussed it again with me ending up in tears. I told him that I love him so much and want him to be happy that I would understand if he left me for someone who wants children. He said he loves me so much, so I know this is hard on him too. On the other hand, I don't want him to resent me if we stay together.
I would possibly consider marriage and having a child if we were 8-10 years younger but it's just not that way. Life is so unfair sometimes.
Do you think your husband would be open to mentoring children or coaching a sports team? Or possibly being a Big Brother? Looks like you posted this a few months ago - have you two come to a resolution?
I know where your coming from. I've never wanted children and told my husband before we got married. He married me anyway. We would argue about this all the time. The reasons for not wanting children:
1) I enjoy my lifestyle and freedom.
2) Deathly afraid of childbirth.
3) I thought I couldn't have children and didn't care to look into it.
I just found out I'm pregnant. I panicked for a few hours. Then something came over me...sheer joy. If anything I'm afraid of losing the baby. It's crazy but true! You've heard it before, something comes over you. I'm not very fertile so it makes it extra special.
You have to look inside and ask yourself why you don't want to have them. You might find out they stem out of fear like mine did. I didn't realize these fears until after I was pregnant.
You can have a baby and continue living the same lifestyle with several modifications. You might look at other parents and say "that's not me". But that won't be you. You'll have a different experience of your own.
Can you picture a life without children at the age of 50, 60, or 70? Can you picture a life without grandchildren? I never wanted children but I couldn't imagine being happy without having grandchildren over for Christmas when I'm old.
If you decide not to have them I would suggest breaking the relationship or therapy. This is a very important issue that will keep creeping in and out. Especially when you see family & friends with their children.
Ps) I'm 31 too. I lived my youth to the fullest. From the college years, to the nightclubs, to dating, and vacations, I did it all. I think that makes a huge difference. A baby shouldn't make you feel you "miss out" on anything but sleep.
Found this forum doing a search. I had actually posted a similar topic in the Female Calorie Counters but nobody has replied yet. Anyway not sure if anyone is still reading this thread but though I might as well post my thoughts here too and see what happens:
My situation is a little bit different in that I do like children but am unsure about my ability as a mother. I have nieces that I adore but what would it be like 24/7 with the added responsibility that they are my own - I cant hand them back when it gets too much!
Basically I am 29years old and all my life I didn't think that having children was for me. Dont get me wrong I love kids - at least when they are behaving. But I have always seriously doubted my ability to be a good mother and able to cope with the responsibility of an innocent life. I have a great husband who I know would be a good dad, although I also know he doesnt truely understand just how much work they can be.
Other factors are that I would like to try and be a stay-at-home mum at least for the 1st 5 years. So this would mean a substantial drop in income - which I think we could cope with but would have to adjust our lifestyle quite considerabley and I'm not sure if this is something I want to give up - selfish??
Overall it is fear of the unknown and something that would be mostly outside of my control. However the ladies in our office have been bringing in their grandchildren of late and friends are started to have babies so its sort of got me thinking (feeling a bit clucky?). So my question is how do you know when you are ready - do you ever really know or just take a chance and hope for the best? It seems like such a huge gamble and I'm not a big risk taker...
to the OP- wow, I guess you should've talked about this before you got married.
Probably you should go your separate ways.
I see now this thread is old....
bigtum: i can only share my own experience. I knew for my entire 20's that i wasn't ready to have children. I was not even sure I want them. Eventually, one day... in the future... My mother even offerd me as a gift on my 27th birthday a baby doll that was crying and saying "mama"... When I "entered" the 30's I suddenly discovered I would like to have a child and tryed for 2 years to get pregnant. I finaly succeded and i am now 7 weeks into the pregnancy (so, just found out more or less) and a few days ago I was all panic that i am not going to be a good mother, I will not be able to raise my child as I would love to do.. Then i discovered that the simple fact I am asking myself of this will help me not to do huge mistakes. I have no idea how will turn out but I am willing to take the risk (and i am not a huge risk taker either).
By the way, me and my hubby were thinking yesterday that our unborn baby needs a brother or a sister... How sick is that?????
Original Post by desperate_wife:
i have never had any desire to have children. my husband has been heartbroken for years, and starts talking about it every 6 months. we've separated because of this, and then got back together and it's just as bad. i'm not sure what to do:
a. live a selfish life and leave him heartbroken forever (i cant stand it and hate myself for having ever done that!)
b. leave him (tried. unsuccessfully. we're together now though we keep fighting about it) or
c. somehow convince myself to have children, although i'm sure i will be a bad mother because i dont want them at all!
he's an angel, and i cant stand this any longer
You know what, see if you and hubby can babysit a niece or nephew for a weekend. That way you can have a glimps of what your life will be like with a child in it. You obviously care about this man, so try a counselor to help deal with the negative/hurtful feelings that you both have right now.
If you still do not wish to have childeren, then your husband and you can volunteer to be Big Brothers/Sisters, work at a Boys & Girls Club, or some other venue where you can help and mentor a child. This will be beneficial to your husband because he can be a "father" figure to a child, and to you because you'll get used to being around kids and being a good "mother" figure.
Then, in a couple of years of working with all types of children, maybe broaching the subject about having kids of your own again?
The last thing you shoud do is swallow your feelings and have a child. If you don't think that you're ready for a child, then having a baby isn't going to make you ready!!
Um to make a statement like " i'm sure i will be a bad mother" isn't something to take lightly. I suggest seeking counseling maybe on your own first and then with your husband. There maybe other things that are deceiving you.
Either way I hope everything works out for you.
I saw from another post that he knew beforehand that you didn't want kids, but still was hoping to change your mind. A little background about me: I'm 23 and a mother of one, and both my husband and I want lots of kids. I understand that having lots or any kids at all isn't for everyone, but whether or not you want any, you have to take some things into account.
First of all, since you're already married, separation/divorce shouldn't even be an option. Unlike most people in America believe, marriage was intended to be a union of two souls FOR LIFE. Richer, poorer, sickness, health, 'til death do us part. You will have to make this resolution stick in your mind first and foremost for this to work.
Once your set about that, you can move on to this next one, but it's a doozy: submit to your husband. In this day and age, not only does that sound oppresive and unfair to most women (American or not), it's downright crazy. I won't lie to you: it's hard. Some women have an easier time of it than others, given their perhaps meeker nature, but even for them it's tough to do.
This doesn't, of course, mean that you will now have no opinion of your own and do everything he tells you to do like a mindless zombie, but it does mean that when you have an important decision to make that the both of you disagree about, he should have the final say.
As in whether or not to have children (if you're able).
If you really love him as much as you seem to, then you'll give having a child your best try. Love is about selflessness not selfishness (something I'm learning to put into practice even as I type this).
Being a mother is indeed hard work, whether or not maternal instincts come naturally to you. However, if you start to think of that new child being an extension of the love you have for your husband, and if you work really hard at it, I'm sure you'll do a fine job of mothering.
My own mother didn't want kids at all, but my father wanted lots of them (like 6 or 7). Both came from large families: she has 5 siblings (she was second youngest), and he has 6 siblings (and he was the middle child). My mother got pregnant and had me in her late/mid twenties, but said that was it.
As a child (and heck, even now), I always wanted at least one other sibling, but it's been just me these two decades. Not long ago, my mother confessed to me that she wished she had done what my dad wanted and had more kids. This was not necessarily b/c she likes children, but b/c she loves my father.
I've seen that other posters here have urged you not to have kids if you don't want them, maybe b/c they themselves never liked kids and/or didn't want them. I never liked kids, myself, since the time I was a kid. I always thought they were annoying and disobedient and in general more trouble than they were worth. But when I look back at those kids that made me think that, I realize they were all spoiled and selfish and had not been properly disciplined.
My daughter is 19 months old and behaves better than most teenagers I knew in high school. I'm not saying this to brag, but to illustrate a fact. If you think something's wrong with the kids, it's likely b/c the parents didn't discipline them properly. Admittedly, there are some kids (and adults) that, no matter what you do to them, they seem set on doing whatever the heck they want.
However, as a comparison to the majority of children in America today, I would like to present my last church. (We left the church b/c of a matter of doctrine that has nothing to do with children or marriage or anything like that; we still dearly love everyone there.) At that church, it was pretty common for families to have lots of kids. Most newlywed couples had at least one kid within a few years (including my husband and myself), and the veterans had between 3 and 6. The largest three groups of kids were 6, 8, and 11. Yes, eleven. And every single one (maybe with the exception of those under 2) was well-behaved. What I mean to illustrate by this example is that the way children behave is not based solely on "how they are" or what the schools teach them...but what their parents teach them.
Also, if you do decide to have a child (or more), if at all possible breastfeed. I know a lot of women don't like the idea, or think it'll be troublesome, but it's better for both you and your child. In most cases, it helps you lose your pregnancy weight (my mom lost it in about 2 weeks), but it also releases hormones into your body that help you to bond with your baby. And there's nothin' sweeter than watching your baby cuddled up to you, sleep on your lap. Essentials if you breastfeed: nursing pillow, nursing cover (large as you can find it), nursing pads, nursing cream.
But I digress (rather a lot, lol). Bottom line is, your husband wants kids, you don't, so you...suck it up and have 'em anyways (if you can; I'm not very fertile, so I can understand if it's hard). He's your husband. Whenever you make a choice in this life, there will be some things to lose and some to gain. You chose to marry him, giving up the single life (whatever you did beforehand). That means no more "you and me", "your stuff and my stuff"; it means "us" and "our stuff", etc. Some of the other posters have urged you to continue to be independent in your marriage, but that's the exact opposite of what a marriage is about. It doesn't mean you have to ask your husband if you can scratch your nose, but it does mean that major decisions don't get made with the attitude "you do what you want, and I'll do what I want". This is a union, here.
I completely understand things getting tough enough that you think of divorce, b/c my husband and I have been there, too (over other issues). However, for us, divorce isn't even an option, isn't on the table, and it shouldn't be for you, either. Stick to the vows you made, take a deep breath, and get used to the idea of kids, then tell your husband you're willing to try. It will be a hard road, but the Lord can guide you through it all.
God bless you, your husband, and your marriage...and any children he should happen to give you.
I suggested that she doesn't have kids yet, and I'm a mother of two, and I love children dearly. That is why I think she should be absolutely ready to be a mother so that she will not harbor resentment against the child or her husband.
( This is a general observation, it has no bearing on the OP AT ALL) I feel that alot of child abuse and neglect is brought forth from unprepared parents. Women and men who didn't want children, or who didn't fully grasp the concept of what having and raising a child entails. Regardless of the parents marital status or religious beliefs, children are way to precious and all consuming for a woman to just go have a baby because her husband wants one
My Great grandma never, EVER wanted children. Great grandpa did. When she finally had my grandmother, she would tell her almost everyday that she wasn't wanted, that she was a mistake. That kind of resentment towards a child can damage them for the rest of their life.
All I'm saying is give counseling a try, be around children of all ages for a few months or years, and then talk about having kids again. If you still don't want a baby or a toddler, than maybe adopt an older child. There are thousands of older children out there waiting for a home.
I just noticed that we might be talking to ourselves here.... The OP hasn't logged on to CC since the day she started this thread. So essentially, she probably has not read any of the responses she's recieved or will recieve.
Original Post by cecilyb03:
I just noticed that we might be talking to ourselves here.... The OP hasn't logged on to CC since the day she started this thread. So essentially, she probably has not read any of the responses she's recieved or will recieve.
Yes, I noticed that partway through my gigantic rant...but decided to post it anyways, just in case it might be helpful to anyone, OP or not. Regardless, I really do hope things turn out alright for her (or have already, since it's been months, now).
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