But how can I eat 1,800 calories if...?

I posted on here a few days ago about my current concerns, and I received a lot of encouraging and helpful advice.  I don't want to bore everyone again with my long and tired story, so if you need it for more information on how to answer me with the further question, it is here:

http://caloriecount.about.com/add-more-calori es-ft150823

So, this afternoon, I finally worked up the courage to weigh myself.  I did it before lunch on purpose because I was too nervous to see the real number in the morning.  Yesterday and today, I have really been struggling with body image issues, as I keep looking at my body and thinking that it has gotten bigger.  When I got on the scale just a little bit ago, I weighed in at 98.2 or so pounds.  This was after eating two bananas, one tablespoon of peanut butter, a serving of protein cereal, and a glass of skim milk.  I had also drank 1.5-2 glasses of water, and did the elliptical for 40 minutes.  Now, I am wondering, would that be my true weight, or would it be a little less or a little more (since I burned off most of the calories)? 

I really want to get my calories back to 1,800, as everyone suggested that I really do, but I am scared to go to that amount if I am gaining on 1,600 or possibly maintaining?  Now, I just feel more scared and confused.  I don't know what to do, so any help and advice would be very much appreciated, as always.  Thank you A TON.=)

You are 5 4  which is underweight. Also you should when you do weigh yourself first thing. Food and liquids add weight. Like everyone else here underweight at leats 2500. I would stop weighing yourself right now because your body is confused and is going to hold onto water and why you may gain on a low amount. You need more for repair as well.You are going to feel scared because recovery is scary. There is no easy answer other then to sit with the feelings and focus on being healthy and all the ed takes away. Are you in therapy?

i dont even know what you're asking? your post makes no sense.... why are you eating all that stuff and then weighin yourself. you are just bullsh**ing yourself. you shouldnt be on the elliptical for 40mins either. now ppl here are wonderful for advice and encouragement but nobody here will tolerate B.S. you need to get to 2500 and unless you are prepared to weigh yourself under proper circumstances then dont bother weighing at all.

there is little or no point in trying to pre-empt your metabolism. it'll work out the way it works out.

I apologize that the post didn't make sense.  I should have reread it.  I just get really nervous and stressed about weight, calories, etc.  I was just mainly asking if the weight that I saw was my true weight, or about how off it would be after eating, drinking a little, and exercising.  I know that I am still considered underweight, and I was at 2,500-2,700 calories for about 5 weeks and put on 18-20 pounds rapidly.  It seemed like so much so fast, and I am scared to go back to that amount because it seemed like I would never stop gaining.  Anyway though, thank you for reading and helping me out.

Regardless of whether you burned off the calories or not food is a substance that has weight. So the calories you burn are not going to be reflected on the scale. If I drink 2 liters of water and sit on my butt I've burned off the calories because water doesn't have any, so when I step on the scale and see that I now weigh 5 pounds more is this real weight? Of course not. Same applies here.

You shouldn't be exercising and you're eating below maintenance when you should be gaining. So you have really not committed to this process at all. You might think you have but if you look at your actions you know you're not trying hard enough. Stop weighing yourself if you know its going to cause anxiety. Stop exercising to counter the increased calories. You are basically still starving your body because you're burning more calories to compensate for the increased cals. So how can you ever recover.

To answer the question, no its not real weight. But sweetie you have to committ to this process if you're going to get better. You have to want it or else it will never happen, and you know that. What are you afraid of anyway? Even if it were "real" what would you do? If you'd stop then clearly you don't want to recover because you're still underweight even at 100 pounds. So just think about what your goals really are. If you need support just reach out to someone...I would love to hel¶ you but you have to want to help yourself first.

hard words to hear but its all so true , only you can do this, its a battle but can be done , you are still trying to maintain at a unhealthy weight although  you still are undereating , your body will be trying to get you to be healthy again . better to weigh yourself weekly not everyday this just feeds the illness and gives inacurate readings. you need to get on weekly and try and deal withit , everyone on here is here to help you . i really should challenge your need to exercise it not a good road to go down plus you have a bad ankle . rest and more food is the only medicine hard i know but you must nourish your body better thinking of you h xxx

Kerri, the last time I talked to you, you were at 100+ pounds.

You are NOT gaining nor maintaining. You are losing. End of story.

Furthermore, its a fact that if you weigh yourself immediately after exercising, you weigh one to two pounds MORE because your muscles are holding onto water and glycogen. Your body does not immediately lose weight after eating just because you burned calories. You still have all the "weight" of the water in your belly, and 2 glasses of water could easily add 1-2 pounds to you for a few hours.

I know you are scared Kerri, but the fact that you are so obsessive and fearful just proves that you are by no means near a healthy place quite yet. It means that the eating disorder is still ruling you, and your life. I really think you need to see a therapist, or some other kind of professional that can help you work through all of your issues while you get to a healthy weight.

double post.

I hear that you are scared and understand the fears of what if's when the body seems to be gaining rapidly. I hope that you can remind yourself of the facts and that is you are still underweight. When you reach a healthy set point weight the body should start to maintain. Your body is craving food and to be replenished. It is holding onto water and the more you restrict back to the old habits the harder it will be for your body to trust and adjust. Being consistent through the fears is the only way. The others have given you great advice. I hope you can set up a plan to get back into recovery. We are all facing similar fears and if you set some goals we can help support you through

Do me a favor, because this is what I'm doing. I whine to my journal here. I moan to the boards. I post all of these questions and even some full out just neurotic things here. I do it because I'm getting it out.

Then, I go and eat and I keep eating.

I'm a better mom when I do it, a better student, I sleep better, I function better, and I appreciate more.

I still have to grapple with the issues, but at least having the nutrients in my body allows me to work through them rather than just living in a vicious cycle.

I want everyone here to get well. You have to trust that your body wants to be at a good weight. It needs to heal and it needs energy to do it. Please, get well now so that you're not beating yourself up about it 10, 15 years from now when your youth has flown by.